36 Weeks and Waddling

It is strange for me to be past 35 weeks pregnant, as I never got farther than that milestone with Luke. I feel like I am navigating uncharted waters now, and it is kind of bittersweet. It is sad to me that Lucy is now older than her older brother (at least in earth time) and also a bit scary because now if just feels like borrowed time. Plus, the longer Lucy is here, the farther away her brother seems to me and that is enough to make my hormone pumped body cry about. The sweet part comes in though when I think about the fact that in less than a month Lucy will be in my arms and I will be able to cover this much awaited baby in kisses. All of my bottled up mother's love that needed a baby to love on since we said goodbye to Luke can finally find a release with Lucy. I just wish I could cover both my children in kisses this side of heaven.

Last night Will and I were talking before we fell asleep about how Luke seems to be fading from our memory as Lucy's presence is felt more and more each day. We talked about our memories with Luke, and promised each other that we would continue to talk about our firstborn to each other, and to Lucy. It is just a tough transition - hope and joy with the pending arrival of Lucy mixing with the sadness and heartbreak of missing Luke. My mother's heart could never forget him, but it does feel like the world is moving on.

On a happier note, I finished my second round of knitting classes today and am proud of my latest achievement - meet Lambert, a knitted bear disguised in a lamb suit. It was a lot more complicated than I thought it would be, and based on the time and effort I put into it - it may be more of a 'shelf' toy than a toy box toy!

34 Weeks and Knitting

It has been a while since my last post, so I thought I would take a moment this afternoon to give everyone an update. Everything is going well with Lucy, and I am still feeling good with little to no swelling or backaches. I'm just tired constantly, mostly because my nightly routine involves me falling asleep on my right side, waking up with my right side numb and an urgent need to use the bathroom then hoisting and stumbling out of bed to the bathroom. Upon my return to bed, I give my left side a try, and if I'm not asleep within the hour, roll with great effort back to my right side and repeat the entire process every two hours. I think this is probably nature's way of getting me used to being up all night with a newborn.


And if having a 5 lb. baby wriggling around in my stomach isn't enough to keep me awake at night, the fact that Will and I had an offer on our house this week is. We are now looking at the prospect of moving in the next couple of weeks, and am not sure how the timing will work out with Lucy's arrival. We are extremely excited that our house has sold in this marketplace, but now have to wait on our bank to approve it since we are selling it for less than what we owe. To make a long story short, the bank is in control, and we won't have much notice if and when they decide to approve the sale. In the meantime, we have started packing items that we use the least in an attempt to maintain some sort of control over this and the much anticipated arrival of our daughter.


It continues to amaze Will and I to watch God's plan for our lives unfold. Believe me, if I was in charge we would have moved months ago. But God's plan is perfect, and I keep reminding myself that he doesn't want Lucy to arrive in this world homeless. This past week we signed on with a new realtor who happens to also be a friend of ours, and within hours of our condo's pictures being posted online we had a call for a family to view our house. An hour after the family viewed our house, they put in an offer for $4,000 more than we were asking for. Our realtor keeps saying that this is amazing timing, especially in this economy, and she believes that she is just an instrument for Divine Intervention. I believe she is right, and God sure did pick a sweet and oh so capable woman to help unfold his plan. For now, our prayer is that our mortgage company agrees to the sale and that we are able to coordinate a move and a new baby with grace and enough sleep to remember what is really important here - the much anticipated arrival of our baby girl Lucy.


Here's a picture of me and Lucy at 33 weeks and 6 days, taken by Will on Saturday.

And here are some pictures of the cute little things I am knitting Lucy, while my feet are propped up and she wiggles around inside of me. Does life get any better than this?

Happy First Birthday Luke

Sweet Luke, your dad and I hope that you enjoyed your first birthday in heaven. Today we imagined who shared the celebration with you, and we had to smile when we thought of all of our loved ones in heaven with you. Your Great Grandpa Hines and Great Grandpa Timmerman along with your Great Grandma Timmerman would have been passing you back and forth on their laps. Your Great Uncle Thomas, Great Uncle Paul and cousin John who went to heaven when they were young too sat by your side. Gabriel, Kayla, Rielle, Audrey and Isaac were your playmates at the party and Haley's mom Susan made sure everything was perfect for you today. Julie's dad got you your first fishing rod and is going to take you camping, and your Great Uncle Mike made sure that you had plenty of smiles and laughs by doing his Yogi the Bear impression. Your Great Great Uncle Bill made sure you had plenty of cuddles today and Jesus was the guest of honor. Luke, we couldn't imagine a better party for you. We wish more than anything we could have been there too.

Here on earth, we honored your birthday the best way we could while missing you. Your dad and I slept in a little bit, and then stayed cuddled on our bed talking about you and remembering what it was like the day you were born. The weather was much the same as it was today - cold and windy. At 11:14 a.m., we cried while we remembered your debut into the world and how proud we felt when we saw your beautiful face for the first time and felt the weight and warmth of you in our arms. We had waited so long to hold you Luke and once you were in our arms we never wanted to let you go. Your dad kept saying how beautiful you were and called you his Little Buddy. Your grandparents and aunts and uncles were so happy to meet you too, and to hold you. I will never forget Grandma Hines cuddling your cute little bare feet in her hands and your uncles carefully holding you.

Your dad and I could not have gotten through this day without our friends and family. We could feel their love lifting us up and carrying us through. Each of our loved ones had their own way of letting us know they cared and we treasure each one. Katherine who would have been your playmate on earth told me today "Happy Birthday Luke" in her sweet 2-year-old voice. I will never forget it. Not to mention all of the emails, cards and phone calls we received letting us know you are not forgotten. We are going to end your special day by eating a bowl of frozen pears - one of your favorite desserts while I was pregnant with you. I had forgotten about this until your honorary Aunt Theresa reminded me.

Happy Birthday sweet son of ours.

Love,
Mom, Dad & Lucy

Luke's Birthday

This past week we received some "Luke Mail" from Toys R Us, inviting us to join Luke in their birthday club, and giving helpful tips on planning his first birthday party. Contrary to what you may think, Will and I are always wistfully glad to receive mail relating to Luke because in some way it shows us that Luke was in fact here. This particular piece of mail peaked my curiosity because I have been wondering what it would have been like to plan Luke's first birthday. Picking a theme, deciding what type of cake to make him, sending out invitations and even figuring out how to fit all of our friends and family in our house. This past week has been difficult to say the least. I have been trying to find a meaningful way to celebrate Luke's birthday while at the same time hoping to just get through it.

After talking to Will and with many tears and deliberation, here is what we have planned for our little guy's first birthday this Thursday, February 19th. We invite all of our friends and family who are able to stop by and visit Luke at the cemetery and leave a special note for him on a card that Will and I will be leaving at his grave in a ziplock bag with a pen to keep it from getting wet. You can leave your own card too if you wish. If you can't make it to the cemetery, you are welcome to post a note on this blog.

If you haven't been to the cemetery before, you can find directions at http://www.mtelliott.com/resurrection.html. Or you can follow Will's directions: upon entering the cemetery, take the tree lined entrance road until it ends. Turn right. Take this road until it ends and turn left. Go past one block. The second block on the left is where Luke is at. Go halfway up that block on the lefthand side and about five to six rows back. He is in section 23, plot 731. We have a smaller pine needle grave blanket with a small orange truck tucked into a blue snowflake bow covering Luke's grave. The cemetery is open from 7 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. daily. If you need more specifics on where Luke's plot is, you can ask at the office whose hours are from 9 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, and 9 a.m. - 4 p.m. on Saturday. We will have the card there through the end of the weekend (Sunday, February 22nd). Because the cemetery doesn't like any artificial decorations, the ziplock with the card will be tucked into the grave blanket just below Luke's headstone.

We will also have a bag of tootsie rolls in honor of Luke tucked into the grave blanket as well. Please help yourself - you may need to let it thaw a bit before you eat it. As some of you know, this 'garbage' candy is something I craved all throughout my pregnancy with Luke. Although I never cared for tootsie rolls myself, Luke obviously liked them. Maybe they taste different filtered through an umbilical cord. We can hope! I know Luke will be smiling down on us as we try not to loose our fillings on this old fashioned treat.

If there is enough snow, feel free to leave a snowman or a snow angel in memory of Luke. Will and I will be spending the day quietly at home with each other, surrounding ourselves with pictures of Luke, yellow tulips (they remind us of Luke) and probably eating a grilled cheese sandwich with a Clausen pickle for lunch since this was also something I craved while pregnant with Luke. Please say a prayer that we get through the day.

Thank you for all of your support over the last year. Will and I have truly discovered the type of caring and compassionate friends and family that we are blessed to have. We couldn't have journeyed through this past year without you.

Love,
Liz, Will & Lucy, with Luke forever in our hearts

Too bad Luke's buddy Mr. Snowman melted last week!

Eleven Months

Yesterday Luke would have been 11 months old. Will and I stopped by the cemetery to visit our little guy yesterday, and had to unbury his plot from almost 2 feet of snow. I wish that Luke was here to see the snow. Sometimes the pain is still fresh like the day we lost him and it stops us in our tracks. Yesterday was such a day. I am getting very apprehensive about Luke's one year anniversary coming up next month. I feel like I've been robbed of Luke's birthday since the day he was born is also acknowledged as the day he died. Birthdays should be a day of celebration, but Luke's is tied to the saddest day of my life. I wish with all my heart that I was planning a 1st birthday party for him right now - getting the invitations ready and deciding what kind of special cake to make him. Oh how I miss you and love you Luke.



Lucy is doing well as far as we can tell. She is kicking around and let's me know if my pants are too tight or if I'm sitting in a position she doesn't quite like. She also let's me know if my bladder is encroaching on her space, as she will stomp on it until I make more room for her. Sorry if that is too much information. They say that every pregnancy and every child is different and I am definitely sensing that she is a girl who knows what she wants. Luke was more laid back I think, like his dad. Lucy may give me a run for my money, and I honestly can't wait. She weighs just over 2 pounds this week, and is almost 15 inches long according to my pregnancy books. She is as snug as a bug in a rug right now too, braving all of this snow and cold weather warm inside my stomach. I love how she will be born around the same time spring starts sprouting up around here. It will be springtime for Will and I in more ways than one on the day our Lucy is born.


As I watched our new president sworn into office today, I couldn't help but think that as bleak as our world is right now, I have hope in a nation that welcomed their first African American leader as the 44th President of the United States. Lucy will definitely be arriving to an interesting world this 2009, and I hope that equality and the pursuit of happiness for every human being - no matter the age, gender or race will be something very real in her life time.

A New Year

I can't say that Will and I are sad to see 2008 come to a close. It has been a difficult year to say the least and perhaps the hardest year Will and I have ever traveled through. In reflecting back on the year though, Will and I are trying to focus on the positive things. At the beginning of 2008 we were able to spend a lot of time with Luke going to doctor appointments almost every other day for him. I treasure my memories of him wiggling around inside of me, and pressing Will's hands to my stomach so he could experience the strength our son had. Then of course there was the day Luke was born, and we were finally able to hold him in our arms, and see his beautiful face. We had a summer filled with peace and healing that started off in June with a trip to Colorado to visit our dear Aunt Jeanette who surrounded us with love and wisdom, beautiful scenery and magnificent National Parks. The rest of our summer Will and I spent as much as possible hiking, walking and biking. For us, there is nothing more healing than time spent together outdoors. Then there was the day we found out we were pregnant with Lucy, and the day we heard her heartbeat for the first time on Will's birthday. Finally, our ultrasound in December where we found out that our baby girl was healthy. It is safe to say that Will and I are changed people from our 2008 journey. We have a renewed value for the miracle of human life, a deeper appreciation for our family and friends and a richer marriage. We also have a changed perspective on what truly matters in this life. Even still, we are happy to bring in 2009 and look with hope to the day we get to finally meet our daughter, hold her, cover her in kisses, see her first smile, change her dirty diapers, snuggle with her and tell her about her brother Luke. We are glad it is 2009.

This past Tuesday, Will's Grandma Timmerman passed away. Before Christmas she had fallen and hurt her hip. She mentioned at the time that she believed this was the beginning of the end for her. She was right. In the last couple days of her life, she suffered greatly but with grace. She was surrounded by all of her children when she died. Will was unable to say his goodbyes to her in person due to a severe flu epidemic at the nursing home, however his dad held up the phone to her ear and Will said goodbye that way. Will told her that he loved her, and asked her to hold Luke when she got to heaven, and to tell him just how much his mom and dad love him. I've only known Will's grandma the last eight years of her life, and have never really seen her interact with young children or babies. I couldn't picture her holding Luke in heaven. To put it nicely, she had made her children's lives difficult the last couple years of her life and didn't strike me as the cuddly type. In her final days though, she made a point to tell her children how much she loved each of them and asked their forgiveness for her imperfections. At the funeral home yesterday I got the chance to look over several photo boards that her children had put together. It was then that I was able to catch a glimpse of her before old age had overtaken her. In these pictures she was surrounded by her children and grandchildren. My favorite picture I saw was of her with a grandbaby just months old, curled up on her chest fast asleep. It was in that instant that I knew exactly what she and Luke were up to in heaven. They are both healthy and whole, and Luke is curled up and snuggled on his Great Grandma. I know she is whispering to him as he sleeps all about his dad and the family she so recently left on earth.

Today was Grandma Timmerman's funeral. The sun was shining down on us (a rare occurrence in January in Michigan) as we said our final goodbyes. It was so nice to have the entire family together - all seven children, thirteen granchildren and their significant others. I can't remember the last time everyone was together. It meant so much to Will and I that the family remembered Luke during the funeral and even on the spray of flowers on Grandma's casket with the ribbon that said Loving Great Grandmother. Today is what life is all about. Family and friends coming together to celebrate a life and to say goodbye for now until we are all together again.

It is our hope that 2009 is filled with hope, health and happiness for our family and friends.

Wee T.'s Name

Lucy Anne Timmerman

Lucy means bringer of light and our daughter has definitely done that for her parents. Lucy is also the feminine version of Luke. Will and I feel that Luke and Lucy will always have a special bond and we wanted that reflected in his little sister's name. The middle name Anne is from my favorite childhood books Anne of Green Gables. Coincidentally, the author of these beloved books was named Lucy too.

I have been calling Wee T. Lucy almost since we found out we were pregnant, and it just feels right. Will is the one who picked out her first name, and I immediately loved it (especially since it wasn't a flower name or Gertie like he'd been suggesting most recently).

I also never understood parents who revealed both the gender and the name of their child before they were born. I feel differently now. As I mentioned in my last blog, I am sorry that Luke's name wasn't publically known until after he was gone. Life is short and precious. Lucy deserves a name here and now.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Will and I had a nice Christmas. There were some rough patches, especially at the cemetery this morning, but overall we are doing okay. I would have never imagined a year ago today that we would be standing at our son's grave on Christmas morning, instead of trying to get our 10 month old to open his presents and watch him play with the boxes they came in. Lucy just gave me a little kick as I type this though, and is a constant reminder that life does move on, but we will take our love for Luke with us until we are all together again.

Merry Christmas,
Love,
Liz, Will & Lucy with Luke forever in our hearts