Luke's 9th Birthday

Today we celebrated our firstborn's 9th birthday.  With each passing year it becomes harder to believe that it has been that long since we held our son last.

Over the past week, memories have been coming back to me of the time that we were told Luke had no heart beat, to two days later when Luke was born, and then his funeral a couple of days after that.

Losing Luke was the first time that my heart had been truly broken.  Having a heart that has been shattered so thoroughly is a very lonely experience.  I've realized after nine years that the entire month of February, but especially the week of the most significant dates of Luke's life and death, I need to baby myself and give myself time and space to feel all of the emotions and remember all of the details of Luke's time here, no matter how painful.  Sometimes the pain is actually welcome, as the intensity of it proves to me that Luke was in fact here.  I struggle with feelings of validity - how can I miss someone so badly, even when I only knew them for nine short months  - and those nine months I never even got to see his face or know his personality.  But it is there, the love for my boy, and a hole in my heart that nothing else could ever fill on this earth.

Fortunately, there were things that helped put a smile on my face this past week.  The pictures in clockwise order from top left below are of little gifts I received throughout the week, reminding me of Luke's presence still: The sun, coming through the yellow tulip stained glass windows in our living room, Will coming home with yellow tulips after a shopping trip with the girls, a Luke balloon at our friend's birthday party the day before Luke's birthday, and finally, letters arriving for all four of my children the day before Luke's birthday too.  What a gift it was to see all four of my kids names on envelopes in the mail - a completely random occurrence, and it brought a smile to my face.

Violet slept horribly the night before Luke's birthday, and so I woke up cranky.  We headed to the cemetery after a quick breakfast and put out a bag of tootsie rolls (a candy I craved when I was pregnant with Luke) and did a balloon release.  The balloons were given to us at a birthday party the night before, and really made it that more special to know that Luke was remembered.

The weather today on Luke's birthday was amazing.  Usually his birthday is one of the coldest and windiest days of the year and we can barely handle the time it takes to release the balloons at his grave because it is so cold.  Not today.  Today, it was a balmy 60 degrees and we laughed when we considered the fact that we could have had a picnic at the cemetery today!  We took our time, writing a note in Luke's birthday journal that we leave each year at the cemetery as well as watching our balloons float away, one at a time.

 We took our signature feet picture at Luke's headstone - one more way we have found to include Luke in our pictures.  And although his tiny footprints etched in stone will never grow larger like his sisters on this earth, it still is a comforting way to include him in our family.

 After the cemetery we headed to the bee property north of our house to check on my last remaining bee hive.  It was doing well in the warm weather, and it was nice that the weather was warm enough that I could include something I love - my bees - on a day that is so tough.

 We also went to a friend of mine's bee yard to see her bees that were doing well too and then headed to the library to pick up some items.  We took a walk around our neighborhood and even though it was past 5 o'clock when the cemetery by our house closes in the winter, it was still open and we enjoyed our walk through the beautiful pathways that we always leave feeling uplifted and happy from.  Once back home, Lucy hung a birdseed ornament outside in honor of Luke.

 The girls were supposed to have their swim class today, but Emma woke up with a fever so we canceled it.  Emma's energy didn't seem too dampened by her fever, but it did add to some of the crankiness that we experienced today.  I'd say all four of us girls had our turns with grumpiness although it was a good day overall.  Here Lucy is below making balloon animals with Will before dinner.

 I was going to make the cake while the kids were at swim lessons, but instead baked it while Will and the girls made balloon animals.  I made a banana cake with cream cheese frosting - a family favorite - and decorated it with chocolate chips.  I always choke up when we sing happy birthday to Luke, and the girls started to tease me for crying.

I think that is why I was borderline cranky all day.  The fact that my kids kept teasing me about crying throughout the day really started to wear on me, especially because it made me feel like I needed to hide my emotions.  I finally started to openly cry after dinner when Emma asked me why I was crying in all of the pictures with Luke from the day he was born.  We ended up having an emotional but needed conversation about dying and heaven and how it is not only okay to cry, but NOT something that you tease people about.

I explained to Emma that when a Mom and Dad have a baby, a piece of their heart is given to the baby and as long as the baby is there with them, we don't really mind that piece of our heart being gone.  When Luke was born, he took a piece of our hearts and it went with him to heaven.  Now we have a hole that hurts us and it won't feel better until we are all together in heaven.  Then I went on to say that when Lucy was born, and Emma, and Violet, a piece of my heart broke off and is now held inside of each of them.  But I am okay, because they are on earth with me and I get to see them grow, and learn, and play.  It is such a strange mix of happy and sad.  I am grateful to have my girls here with me, but will always miss Luke at the same time.  Plus, with all of my girls' usual neediness today - hunger, pee accidents, fighting, sickness, laundry, dishes, etc. - I couldn't help but wonder how Luke would have added to our family's dynamics.  Parenting children on earth is hard work, and I will never have the opportunity of losing my patience with Luke, or raising my voice out of frustration at him.  I will also never have the option of seeing his face light up from excitement, or smelling that heavenly scent of his hair after playing outside in the sunshine, or even just having him keep me up all night (although between his three sisters I do feel like I've stayed up all night enough for all four of my kids!).  And what I wouldn't do for some Luke snuggles!  Hugging my kids is my favorite parenting perk, and I really miss that opportunity with Luke.  This year, Will's Aunt Nancy is in heaven with Luke, and as a grandmother herself, I just know she is giving Luke some extra special hugs today.  Another birthday is now past, and we have made it through as a family of five on earth.  Thank you to my friends and family who have shown in their own ways that they love us, and that they hold space for us as we come through this emotional week.  Happy birthday Luke, we love you!

January

January was a relatively quiet month for us.  On New Year's Day we had our burning bowl ceremony that we usually do on New Year's Eve.  Because of Charlie's emergency trip to the vet, we missed out on our New Year's Eve tradition of burning up all of the things we wanted to let go of from 2016.  You better believe "Charlie getting attacked by other cats" was written onto a slip of paper, along with my friend's cancer, colitis, kidney stones, car accidents, and various things the girls wrote down as well.  And our burning bowl ceremony is more like a honey bee smoker ceremony, but it does the same job with the materials we have on hand.

The weather on New Year's day was mild enough that we enjoyed a walk, which is always a great way to start any new chapter.  Charlie was quarantined for 10 days in the upstairs of our garage and when he was finally allowed to go outside again, kept us at arm's length for several days.  We aren't sure if he was making us pay for locking him up for so long, or if he thought if we got to close to him, we would lock him up again.  Mid-January, Charlie came home smelling strongly of someone else's perfume.  I picked him up to check him out and he refused to look me in the eye.  He has since returned to his loving and devoted-to-us self, and we are letting the two-timing episode go on account of he was confused from his long confinement. 

 The girls went to a birthday party this past month for a friend of ours and they painted cats - and of course Lucy and Emma both painted portraits of their tabby cat Charlie.

 Violet came for the food and left the party with Will after she had eaten her fill.

We had a nice visit with Will's grandma this past month, Lucy learned how to make biscuits (my brother Joe's recipe!) with my mom, and we had a fun play date with friends of ours on a day they had off from school.

Before Will went back to work in the New Year, we took our annual trip to a town an hour north of us where we buy a Christmas ornament and enjoy a delicious chicken dinner, some sight-seeing and shopping.  This year we finally found a doll store complete with a baby doll nursery that several of our friends are always telling us about.  It was in the basement of one of the famous chicken dinner restaurants and it was all Will and I could do to get our kids to leave that store!

My roommate from college came to town and spent a weekend with us.  We had a lot of fun with her, and she taught us how to crochet which was priceless.  We visited the Fire & Ice Festival that our town puts on every winter, and were able to vaguely see the ice sculptures forms as they were melting fast and furious with the mild weather we were having.  The festival had to get creative since there was no snow for the giant snow lunge they usually have and it wasn't cold enough for ice skating.

On her last day in town, we went to a Coffee, Tea and Chocolate exhibit with my friend and Will's cousin at the Art Institute downtown.  That was a lot of fun, and of course finished off with some delicious Polish food from a restaurant downtown that we frequented a lot when we were in college.

 That weekend was the mildest weather we had all month and I was able to get into my beehives to see how they were making it through the winter.  Unfortunately, five out of my six hives were gone but the wild one I caught last May was still very much alive.  I moved some of the honey left from the empty hives into the hive that was alive and I really do hope that they will make it through the second half of the winter.  Below are pictures of Violet, upset and pouting because we wouldn't let her come outside while we cleaned up the hives with Charlie guarding nearby, and the mouse we discovered in one of my dead hives on the property north of us.  Charlie has ensured the hives at our house are never invaded by a mouse, but north of us the property is so large, that mice are an inevitable part of beekeeping.

That mild, warm weather didn't last long and we had several ice and snow days where Will was off, and we were all excited to have extra time with Will and snow to play in.  

On an ice day Will had off, we had fun taking the girls to see their first movie in a theater.  We watched Sing, and the entire family enjoyed it.  I was a little worried at the beginning when the previews were going and Violet was scared and crying that she wanted to go, but as soon as the movie came on, she settled in and thoroughly enjoyed the homemade popcorn, juice boxes and fruit snacks I had smuggled in.  Again, Violet may have just been there for the food!  I was so glad that their first movie was a good one though, and I hope that at least Lucy and Emma will remember the excitement of it all for years to come.  My kids are scared of most movies, so having a movie in the theater that they could handle was worth the wait.  Don't get me wrong, they are able to watch some movies at home because they can leave the room when it gets too intense for them, but that is harder at a theater with a giant screen and loud sounds.  Another day off that Will had we were able to all go to the Chiropractor's together where Will got to witness how our kids build forts and adjust their baby dolls with our chiropractor who always seems to love and appreciate them.  Afterwards, instead of going home like we usually do, we went out to lunch with Will.

We missed several different classes throughout the month because of the weather, but it did make for a more relaxing month with the unexpected breaks from commitments.  Here the kids are below in clockwise order from top left: At a nature hike with friends, on the hike, the girls doing Geography on my bed while I practiced my new crochet skills in the rocking chair, putting together a puzzle with Emma and Violet while we waited for Lucy who was in vision therapy, and the center picture is of Lucy and Emma at their piano lesson.

Mondays are the busiest day of the week for us, with vision therapy, chiropractor appointments and dance, while trying to fit their school for the day in there too.  There is no downtime for me.  This is the perfect day for a crock pot meal, and you can imagine my disappointment when Will sent me this text while the girls and I were at dance class:

On a good Monday, Will gets home from work early enough to take the girls to dance.  When that happens I get a little breather from our busy schedule and can make dinner and catch up on computer work.  I was smiling so big when Will sent me this text while he and Violet shopped at the Salvation Army while Lucy and Emma were at dance:

Will found the mother load of Barbie clothes, and at a dollar a piece, he and Violet had fun picking out outfits to share with Lucy and Emma.  Will came home and told me that he made sure to buy all of the professional outfits that fit Ken, as he wants his girls to know that they should look for a guy with a job.  I thought that was funny, and now the girls have more than surfer shorts and tuxedos for their Ken dolls.  He also picked out some really classy Barbie outfits, per my request.

Will would do anything for the girls and most of the time I feel like I am the mean parent because of it.  It doesn't help that I am with them all day, every day so that when Will is home, he is exciting and new.  He is a lot of fun to climb on, dance with, play games, and watch movies together.  Will finds most any kid movie entertaining where as I can only stomach certain ones and it takes a lot for me to sit on the couch during their one hour of tv time a day - it is the best hour of the day for me to get something efficiently done with minimal interruptions.  It's actually how I am writing this blog post right now!

In an effort to show the girls that the world does not revolve around them, I was excited when our church put on another service day for families this past month.  My kids loved helping and feeling like what they did matters, and I loved being able to have something that contributes to those in need that my entire family can participate in.  My church does a wonderful job of this and we are so grateful!  Here we are below, at the service day our church hosted.  We packed snack bags, lunch bags, put Bible verses on tissue packs and chapstick tubes and colored pictures for kids in need. There were other activities to participate in as well, but they were more appropriate for older kids.  Someday though, my kids will be able to make scarves and blankets,  and write letters to people in prison or in the hospital. 

We are now into February, and already we can see the light changing and the days getting longer as we get closer and closer to spring.  February is an emotional month for us as we remember Luke and honor his life on the significant dates of when we were told there was no heart beat, the day he was born, and the day we buried him.  The girls are excited to celebrate his birthday, and I am thankful that he has three little sisters on earth that share the connection between earth and heaven that Will and I feel so strongly.  It is hard sometimes when the world has moved on and there is no physical reminders left of our first born who we love so much.

Above are pictures of Luke's little sisters, who think that snow angels are how you play in the snow with your brother who is in heaven.  

Violet at 33 Months

Violet continues to bring cuteness and laughter to our family.  Our youngest daughter can be sweet, if she wants to, but she excels at being sassy and definitely knows what she does and doesn't want.  I have to constantly dilute her demands with reminders of saying "please" and "thank you".  She will then rephrase her request with, "Mom get me milk please and thank you."  She may have a lot of needs, but she does love to help as well.  Here she is below, earning her keep by helping me in the kitchen.

 Violet loves to play with Will or I, and sometimes can get Emma to play with her too, until Lucy convinces Emma to play with her instead.  Here Violet is below, in various stages of play in clockwise order from the top left: Violet loves playing with Play Doh and figured out how to roll balls out of the dough, Violet playing a linking game with me, Violet on top of her dresser playing with her doll early one morning, Violet playing the linking game, and Violet holding her baby doll named Annie (but also sometimes named Brady, depending on what real life baby we have just spent time with).

 Violet has a clothes source from someone other than her older sisters and always feels special when my friend drops off clothes that her daughter has outgrown.  This month Violet got a pair of pretty purple snow pants that fit her better than the hand me downs she was wearing and actually match her winter jacket too!  Violet was so excited for the snow pants that she asked me to take a picture of her wearing them.

 Besides having to deal with recycled styles from not one but two older sisters, she also does a lot of waiting while her older sisters are in classes.  Violet is just happy to be with us though, and we sure find ways to have fun while we wait.  In the below left hand picture Violet is pulling a doll around the Salvation Army while her sisters are in dance class.  In the right hand picture below, Violet is proudly showing off her picture in the newspaper, which was taken at the nature center when we were waiting for Lucy and Emma who were in a class there.  Waiting has it's perks, and Violet and I do enjoy our one on one time together.

 Violet is very excited to begin her first dance class in the fall and talks about how she will be in the Pre-Dance class at the studio where Lucy and Emma take classes.  The other day Lucy asked me how Violet will be able to have her hair up in a bun for class since it is still so short.  Violet overheard Lucy's question, and told us, "My hair is growing as long as Rapunzel's hair!  Soon it will be growing all the way to my butt hole!"  At which point Emma informed Violet, "you crossed the line Violet."  I about fell out of my chair at the word "hole" but to hear Emma inform Violet that she had crossed the line in acceptable things to say was the icing on the hilarious cake for me.  Here Violet is below, getting her hair cut from Will's cousin.

I am still number one in Violet's book and am loving every moment of that title. I know that she will outgrow me as her favorite person soon enough, and so I cherish it more than I can say.  Violet also knows that her affection makes me happy.  The other day Will was working late and I realized that dinner was late to be made and the house was trashed.  I sat down on the couch feeling overwhelmed and sighed, saying that the house was a disaster.  Violet came over to me, climbed up into my lap and laid her head on my shoulder.  I asked her if she was tired (feeling even more guilty that dinner was going to be late) and she said, "No, I am making mama happy."  Surprised, I asked her, "You came over to snuggle me because you knew I was feeling tired?"  She smiled at me and said "yes, I know how to make you happy mama!"  Oh Violet, yes you do!

In fact, Violet knows how to make each of us happy and is always finding ways to do that.  Usually she is telling Lucy and Emma that she will give them something for their birthday when they are feeling sad.  And for Will, she goes over to him and scratches his back.  She has also been known to come over to me and rub my back with a foam roller if I mention that I have a headache.  Our little sweetie knows she is loved, and we also bask in the fact that she loves us fiercely back.