Happy 3rd Birthday Luke!

Three years ago today we welcomed our first child into the world. Luke Thomas Timmerman was born at 11:14 am on February 19, 2008, weighing 5 pounds and 1 whole ounce and measuring 19 inches long. We were so proud to finally hold him in our arms after so many months of longing to meet him. I will never forget what it felt like to finally feel the weight and warmth of his little body in my arms and wished that I could hold him forever. Luke's birth was still, quiet and calm. We spoke in whispers. Luke did not cry, but emerged silently. My biggest fear at that point was that he would look scary, since he had already passed and I kept bracing myself for that. When I first laid eyes on him though, my breath caught in my throat as I realized he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Pride filled my heart, and Will and I couldn't stop beaming. Yes, he was gone, but oh, how long we had waited to see his sweet face and to hold his little body. Finally, our arms were weighed down by him, and we couldn't believe that he had broken the 5 pound mark by 1 ounce! If he had been born alive, 5 pounds and 1 ounce was heavy enough by hospital terms to bring a preterm baby home. The doctors had all warned us how small and sickly he would be, even if he was born alive, and here in our arms was a healthy looking, chubby cheeked, beautifully perfect in every way little baby boy. I of course pointed out to Will that Luke did in fact have the hair I had been telling him about - it was actually quite long, and as dark as mine. He had my identical feet and hands (and my dad's as well), which I think of every time I look down at my own hands or feet. It is nice to have that physical connection in my memory with him. After soaking Luke in for a while, we called in our parents and siblings who had been in the waiting room while we delivered Luke. Again, a peaceful silence filled our crowded hospital room as our family took turns holding Luke, and looking upon his beautiful little face. My mom kept cradling his little bare feet in her hands, which is another memory that will live in me forever. The grandparents were so proud to finally meet their first grandchild, on both sides of the family. Our siblings got to hold their first nephew. I am so grateful our families got to meet Luke and hold him that day. It was the kind of day where time seemed to stand still, and I don't think Will and I even ate the entire day. We feasted our eyes on our beautiful son, and God's grace allowed us to focus on the present moment in a way we had never done before. Eventually, our families left and we spent the rest of the afternoon with Luke. When the time came that evening to say our final goodbyes, God again granted us the strength to be able to do something I would never have been able to do on my own - we said goodbye to our son for the last time. God was truly with us on February 18, 2008 and never once did I feel like He had abandoned us. It was the most I have ever felt His presence. This quote I read a while ago sums Luke's birthday up for me:

"Joy is not the absence of sadness, but the presence of God."

I can honestly say today was a great day. I was happy and excited to start the birthday traditions that we had planned, and Will and Lucy also shared in this happiness. When I walked downstairs this morning, the first floor was fragrant with the smell of the tulips on our dining room table. We watched the sunrise through the stained glass windows in our living room that we had designed in honor of Luke and Lucy. I swear that Luke was in the light, shining in on us.

We took an early morning journey to the cemetery to wish Luke a happy birthday, and to leave a container of birdseed cupcakes for any visitors to take home with them.

After the cemetery, we went out to breakfast and then went shopping at some local baby stores. Will and I realized later that we always seem to spend more money than usual on Luke's anniversary dates. We have a set of leather couches, a bookcase, and various other big ticket items that we have bought to prove this. I'm guessing it is symbolic to us trying to fill that empty feeling in our hearts that happened the day we lost Luke. Fortunately, we realized this today before we made a big purchase at the baby store. We will sleep on it tonight, and if we still feel it is a good idea to buy, we will purchase it tomorrow. We are learning. Anyways, while at the baby stores we did make fun, planned purchases to prepare for Emma's arrival, as well as some fun things we had been promising to get for Lucy. Lucy was her usual happy self, and ran around the baby stores yelling "Baby ELMO!" everytime she saw an Elmo, which is more than you would ever think possible. That red furry monster is everywhere! Her excitement really made shopping fun though, and kept us smiling. It was just a nice, fun morning.

When we got home, we had a lunch of some of Luke's favorite foods - pickles, grilled cheese and kettle potato chips. Then we began preparations for Luke's birthday dinner. This year we decided to make beef roast, as this was one meal I craved over and over again while pregnant with him. Will did an excellent job on this, and we rounded out the menu with a side of frozen pears (thanks to my faithful friend Theresa remembering I loved to eat this treat while pregnant with Luke). I made a chocolate marble cake for dessert, which Lucy saw before dinner and decided to save her appetite for. She refused to eat any dinner besides a couple of bites of ketchup. Yup, ketchup. I figured, it's her brother's birthday - if all she wants to eat is ketchup tonight, so be it. She didn't seem to have any outward signs of sugar overload after a dinner of ketchup followed by cake and ice cream, so no harm done hopefully.

Overall, it was a great day. I never thought I'd say that. Maybe I got all of the crying out the last two days because believe me, there was a lot of crying. Either way, I am grateful that today was so nice. It is exhausting to be sad, and frankly, I was ready to stop crying and move on. I feel like we are in a good place. After I post this, Will and I are going to sit down and go through Luke's memory box which is sure to bring on the tears, but I still think we will be okay. We miss our little guy as much as ever, but the traditions we have put in place have really helped us. Plus, having Lucy able to participate in the traditions this year really made it feel like a family affair. I am looking forward to when Emma will also be able to help us honor Luke.

Thank you for lifting us up in your thoughts and prayers as we made it through these last couple of days. It means more to Will and I than we could ever say. You continued to let us know that we were loved and cared for, each in your own special and unique ways and we are forever grateful. Thank you for remembering our son, and for loving us so well.

Luke's 3rd Anniversary in Heaven

Today, February 17th, is Luke's third anniversary in heaven. The entire month of February has been hard for me, but the week leading up to Luke's birthday is the most difficult. My mind fluctuates between remembering the most acute details of my last days with Luke wiggling around inside of me, to practicing the fine art of denial. It is a strange balance. Night time is the worst though, as my hands are no longer able to be busy and my mind wanders to my sweet firstborn, and how much I still miss him. Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much this week. I remember the last times I felt Luke move inside of me. It was a Saturday night, February 16, 2008 and we had spent it at Will's parents house. I remember doing my daily kick counts that evening to make sure that everything was okay with Luke. My doctor had told me that if Luke passed his kick counts (10 movements within an hour at around the same time each day) then I could rest easy knowing he was okay in there until the following day's kick counts. Luke passed his kick counts within minutes, as he always did. The doctors told me he was super active because he had more room than most babies his age, on account of all the extra liters of amniotic fluid I was carrying. What I remember distinctly is that he had hiccups when I did the kick counts that night, and I could also feel his head turning from side to side, and even the hairs on his head, moving against my stomach. Will would always look at me in slight disbelief when I told him this part, at which I would respond - wait and see, he will be born with hair on his head!


That evening, Will and I had no idea as we snuggled in bed that it would be the last time we would be together with Luke on earth. When I think about it now, it still chokes me up to realize that Luke went home to heaven while his mom and dad were peacefully sleeping, warm and comfortable together in each other's arms. As any woman in her 35 week of pregnancy can attest - a peaceful night's sleep when your stomach is as big as a house is not easy to come by. Plus, with all of Luke's health concerns, my mind wouldn't shut off the worry most nights and I usually watched the sunrise, relieved that night was finally over. But I remember telling Will the next morning how well I had slept. I like to think that God gave us the gift of a good night's sleep because He knew what lay ahead, and how many sleepless nights would unfold. I also like to picture Jesus coming into our bedroom in the still of the night to bring Luke home, and Luke looking back on his parents with love, happy to see us so relaxed and at peace, together as a family on earth for the last time, and Luke's last picture of life on earth.



We had a very busy day that Sunday, which involved two different social engagements, I cleaned the house from top to bottom, and we also borrowed Will's parent's pickup truck to pick up a bookcase that they gave us for Luke's storybooks. It is ironic to me how busy that day was - how usually I was always so in tune with Luke - but that I didn't have time to pause for a moment that day and think about the last time I had felt him move. Not until we were getting ready for bed on Sunday night, and I sat down to do my kick counts did it occur to me that I hadn't felt him move since the night before. After the first hour of nothing, I drank some orange juice and walked around. After the second hour of no movement, it began to dawn on Will and I that something was seriously wrong. Luke never sat still for a moment - he was always kicking and poking me. When it occurred to me that I couldn't recall any movement from him all day, we called the doctor and they advised us to go the ER immediately to get checked out. The ride to the hospital around 11 that night was completely silent. It was freezing cold and dark, and I just remember pleading in my head to Luke to wake up and move, while squeezing Will's hand like it was the last concrete thing I had to hold on to for life. I have never experienced such fear. I have never prayed so fervently to God.



When we arrived at the ER, the events seemed to take place to someone else. They checked us in, and we had a bed in triage before we had time to think twice. They put the ultrasound on my stomach, and I swear the entire hospital went silent. I think Will and I both held our breath as we waited for Luke's image to come up on the screen. Will and I had still not let go of each other's hands, and they were numb and sweaty from the pressure. When Luke's image finally came up on the screen, the truth hit us like a blow to the stomach. We knew immediately that our little guy was gone. We could see his still form, usually so active with movement, still and lifeless on the screen, gently floating in the amniotic fluid. It is an image that Will and I will have as clear as the moment it happened, ingrained in our minds until the day we die. Doctors and nurses surrounded us, still not giving up, trying to find a heartbeat and shaking my stomach to try and wake him up. But Will and I locked eyes and we KNEW. He was gone. Finally, a nurse took my free hand and told me she was sorry, but that our baby was gone. We nodded at her. Silently, the doctors and nurses filed out of our curtained triage room. The silence was broken by a giant, shaking sob which I realized with surprise was coming from me. Will and I clung to each other.



What was left of February 17th, and into the next morning was filled with the most empty feeling I have ever experienced, coupled with numbness and disbelief. We had decisions to make. We had people to call. We had doctors and nurses to talk to. My body was subjected to multiple pokes and prods. All of this occurred as if through a dimly lit dream. These were the darkest hours of my life. Looking back, I can see the hand of God gently leading us through this dark place. I cannot imagine how else I came through it. To have my baby boy still inside of me, but yet to know he was gone was surreal. I didn't want him to ever be born, but on the other hand, I wanted him out so that I could move through this pain. I kept my arms tightly wrapped around my swollen stomach for most of this time, and would look at Will and cry because he couldn't hold Luke like I could. I kept reminding myself that I was only holding Luke's little body, that his spirit was soaring with the angels already, and that he was healthy and whole. But my heart wanted him here with me. I still want him here with me.



I have gone over the above scene probably a million times in my mind. Driving in the car, laying awake in bed at night, and staring off into space while I eat lunch. It is like my mind has to keep going over and over it again and again to finally be able to come to terms with all that has happened. Three years later, I feel like I am happy again, and able to experience life to the fullest - something I never thought would happen after losing Luke. But it is still different. There is still a hole that can never be filled on this earth. Will and I are different people. We have lost the hopeful thoughts of the future that the young are blessed with. We have seen the future. We are older. We are wiser. And although we can look to the future again with hope, we also understand that futures can contain both happy AND sad times.



Will and I have weathered losing our son together, and have emerged as a stronger couple. But I still look back on those days before losing Luke, and miss the carefree people we once were. We had no idea how our vows of for better or for worse would play out. So February 17th is a difficult day for me. And I'm not through the worst of the anniversary dates yet. There is still Luke's birthday, and then the day we buried him.



This year, I have Lucy to think about as well. She talks about her brother in heaven, and knows that Will and I miss him. She talks about how when she was born, she cried, and that when Emma is born she will also cry. Then she says, "Luke. Born. Cry?" This sends a knife through my heart when I tell Lucy that "No, Luke didn't cry when he was born but mama and dada did." Lucy also talks about how she can't wait to hold Emma when she is born. She then transitions into how she wants to hold Luke, and again I have to choke back the tears. I tell her, "I want to hold Luke too, more than anything, but we have to wait until we go to heaven." For now, Lucy is okay with these answers. I do wonder how these conversations will play out in the future. After having Lucy, and now being pregnant with Emma, Will and I have realized a new grief we are working through - the grief of our other children missing their brother.



For Luke's birthday this year, we want to celebrate our son's life with Lucy, and make it a happy day for our family. This is easier said than done, but we will be trying to do that. Lucy told us that Luke wanted a chocolate cake for his birthday, so we will make that as well as eat all of his favorite foods for the day. We will also be putting out a dozen or so birdseed cupcakes at the cemetery, along with a card for anyone who stops by this weekend to sign. All of these traditions are more for us than for Luke, but it is important to Will and I to celebrate Luke the same way we would our other children. It is my hope that my living children will know their brother, even though he isn't physically with us on earth, and that they will also realize that death cannot separate or lessen their parent's love for their children.



And so I began this week much like I would any other week where a child of mine's birthday will be celebrated. I made a grocery list and a to-do list to get ready for the big day. I also planned out the meals for Luke's birthday, and bookmarked the recipes in my cookbooks. There is a vase of yellow tulips now sitting in the center of our dining room table. At meals, Lucy will point to it and say "Luke." Yup, those remind us of Luke we respond back. They are for Luke's birthday. This year, Luke has another little sister who will celebrate (in her own way) with us, and make the trip to the cemetery, and for that I am grateful. Life is to be celebrated, no matter how short it's stay on earth. Truly every beat our heart makes is a miracle and Will and I feel so blessed that we had the miracle of Luke for the 35 weeks that we did. He will be forever woven into our family and our lives.



Feel free to stop by the cemetery this weekend. We will have the birdseed cupcakes there until Sunday evening, along with the card and of course Luke's favorite candy, tootsie rolls. Send me an email if you would like directions to his plot and cemetery hours. Otherwise, if you could lift our family up in your thoughts and prayers as we journey through this weekend, it would mean more to us than we can say.

The below picture is of me with Luke happily swimming in my belly at 31 weeks.

Luke, through all the pain, you were worth it to your mom and dad, and we would do it all again, even now, knowing the outcome. We are so glad we have a son named Luke, and we are so very proud of you.

Winter Days with a 21 Month Old

Winter has never passed so splendidly for me before. Life has not been dull with a 21 month old running around, even though most days this past month have not broken above the 20 degree mark and we have over a foot of snow on the ground as I type this. Lucy has just been a delight, and Will and I are enjoying our time indoors with her. We started the month out a bit rough I must admit, with Lucy getting a bladder infection that lasted for over two weeks, and then the stomach flu as soon as she recovered from her first illness. It is amazing to me though, how much spunk she has now that she is healthy again, and how much fun we are having. She is sleeping better than she has in her entire life, and continues to learn new things every day.

This girl LOVES a furry red guy named Elmo. As I mentioned in a previous post, Santa was very good to her with all things Elmo. In the picture below she is holding her beloved Elmo, while wearing a pair of Elmo jammies from Christmas.Since Christmas, Lucy innocently believes with all of her might that every present and unopened box contains Elmo in it, and excitedly will shout "Elmo, Elmo" while watching her Aunt Jane open her birthday presents, or while shaking a giant popcorn container at Grandma and Grandpa T's. I can't help but laugh and feel sad for her at the same time - I always hold my breath for disappointment when the present or box is opened to reveal something other than an Elmo inside. She seems to take the disappointment in stride though, and it doesn't seem to dilute her enthusiasm the next time an unopened box presents itself to her.

Lucy has been devotedly watching an assortment of Elmo DVD's either from Christmas or from the library every afternoon after her nap. On one of the DVD's, there is a segment with Elmo and Whoopi Goldberg where they discuss the differences between skin, fur and hair. The other day Lucy was rubbing my arm and said "skin". Then she touched my head and said "hair." I then asked her what was covering the furry little red guy she was holding, and she lovingly looked at Elmo and said "FUR!" This game went on for a while as we talked about the difference between the three, and pointed out what Lucy had on her. Not to leave Daddy out, I asked Lucy what was on Daddy, and she proudly shouted, "FUR!!" To which I responded that yes, Daddy did look like he was covered in fur, but it was in fact just a lot of hair.

To help pass all of the time indoors, we have been enjoying lots of good company of friends and family over this past month. Lucy has loved the social interaction on her own turf, and has been doing a great job of providing the live entertainment for all of our guests. Here she is below with her Aunt Jane and Jane's boyfriend Matt.Lucy's Uncle Mike and Aunt Jenna came over one evening, and Uncle Mike brought his guitar which Lucy loved. Uncle Mike played all of her favorite songs, including Rock-a-Bye Baby and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I was impressed that he could play these songs by ear, and I can't help but think of how lucky his little one, Tiny, due in July, will be to have a daddy who can play such great music for him or her.Lucy also got to hold another baby this past month, when my good friend from Chicago came for a visit with her daughter Eleanor. This brought her endless amounts of excitement in anticipation of getting to hold Ellie, and she has been talking about her ever since.Other favorite things to talk about are holding babies, what to do when a baby cries, and giving the people she misses "hugs" and "kisses". She even went so far as to tell me that when we went to a doctor appointment for Emma last week to hear her heartbeat, that she was going to "Hug and kiss Dr. Cayle". Not to discourage her affection, I went along with it, thinking she would get shy when the doctor came into the room. Let's just say my face turned beet red when Lucy jumped off Will's lap, went to my OB and said "Hug. Kiss." He knelt down for a hug, then went to stand up afterwards at which point Lucy grabbed his face in both of her hands and planted a kiss that landed on his cheek as he moved his face back in surprise. This was not good enough for Lucy though, and she pushed his face in front of hers again and kissed him square on the lips. I asked Lucy why she liked Dr. Cayle so much, and she told me "Emma, heartbeat. Emma out." Well, of course! This guy is going to be responsible for bringing her baby sister into the world (with a little help from me I am assuming) so I guess he does deserve a hug and a kiss!

Speaking of fun vocabulary out of Lucy's mouth, some of the highlights this month include her increasing awareness of the numbers 2 and 3. She now tells me exactly how many of something she would like, and the numbers are always 2 or 3. She also knows that 3 is more than 2, and if it is something she likes, she will ask for 3. If it is something she doesn't, but knows she has to do, she will tell me 2. When she weighs herself on the bathroom scale every morning after I step off, she staves off my depression of my ever increasing numbers when she happily yells "8-10!" We're not sure if this means she weighs 80 pounds, or is saying she weighs 810 pounds to make me feel better about my own weight.

She has added several different ways to say no this month including "uh-uh", "nope" and my favorite said oh so cutely, "no thank you!". When asked a question, she will now hesitate before answering while saying, "ummmm." She also is fond of telling us what time of day it is - play time, potty time, snack time, din-din time, nap time, and nigh-nigh time to name a few. I don't know if I've ingrained too much of a schedule, or if she is trying to ingrain a schedule on me! But probably the most endearing statements out of this little lady's mouth this month include names. She now calls herself, "Me, Loose". When it is her turn, or she wants something she will say repeatedly, "Me, Loose". But even better, and probably as pay back from me laughing at her yelling for Will by name last month, is her increased use of my first name. The best is when she calls me out of a deep sleep from her crib. It goes something like this, "Mumma! Mumma! Morning! Mumma...... Liz!? Liz! Liz!" And when I arrive at her cribside she casually says, "Hi, Liz. Morning." How can you not laugh at that!?!

Developmentally, a lot has been happening for Lucy this past month. You wouldn't think so at first, when I tell you that with all of the talk lately of baby Emma, and holding our friends' babies that Lucy has decided it is a lot of fun to play 'baby'. Here she is below in her old bouncer seat, chewing on a teething toy and holding a doll bottle while loudly 'crying'. We are hoping she gets this out of her system before she realizes that she has to share that bouncer with Emma when she arrives!
But on a more serious note, Lucy has decided that she no longer cares for wearing diapers. At first this really stressed me out because I was not ready for this giant leap to be so cold turkey. I know, I know, Santa did bring Elmo undies for Christmas and I did order two Froggy Potties online that arrived in the mail this past month, but I thought this was just setting the stage for down the road, and that we would practice potty time a little every day and get her used to the idea gradually. Lucy has firmly made up her mind though that she is ready, and is not looking back. She is exclusively wearing her Elmo undies during the day - whether at home or out - and is doing a very good job. Sometimes she will ask for a diaper for bedtime or naps, and sometimes not. I have learned to just go with it, and try to relax and be okay with the inevitable accidents and extra loads of laundry. She is getting better every day, and it still is less work than the cloth diapers we had her in. Here she is below eagerly awaiting the opening of the box that contained her new Froggy Potties.
This is the only decent picture I have of Lucy on her Froggy Potty - closed eyes were better than some of the other things that the other pictures revealed! Her excitement when she puts something in the potty is a sight to behold, and I can't help but catch the joy radiating off of her, and clap my hands and shout along with her. It really has been a lot more fun that I could have ever imagined. To tell you the truth, I was dreading potty training, but no more. Lucy's strong little personality presents many challenges, but it is a definite bonus as we potty learn.

Lucy cut her third canine tooth this past month, and it really didn't seem to phase her - granted a bladder infection and the stomach flu probably paled the pain of tooth cutting. And despite these health inconveniences, like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, she has had a ton of fun this past month just letting her personality shine.

To creatively pass some time while I cleaned up the kitchen, I filled a Rubbermaid bin with a couple inches of water, tossed some toys in and let Lucy have some fun on the kitchen floor. I had my back to her for literally 20 seconds as I scrubbed a pan in the sink, and spun around in surprise when I heard a big splash and Lucy yell "BATH!" She had somehow snuck out of her socks, pants and underwear faster than I could say "Bad Idea" and plopped her naked butt into the water making a huge mess. I learned two things from this - water play is only fun for me in the bathtub or outside, and second - if I have the crazy idea to let her play with a bin of water on the kitchen floor again, I need to make the water much, much colder.We've found the energy it takes to bundle Lucy up for the great outdoors a couple of times this month, and are always underwhelmed when it seems like it takes longer to bundle her up than she spends outside.
She still doesn't know how she feels about the fluffy and cold white stuff, but she did find it in her to make a snow angel for Luke in our front yard so that he could see it from heaven.Now that the calendar has turned to February, we have begun to think and talk about Luke even more. This year Lucy understands birthdays as well as talks about Luke by name. We want to find a meaningful and happy way to celebrate her older brother's birthday while finding a way to balance the sadness that we still feel so deeply. Stay tuned for more on that, and please keep us in your prayers as we approach the third anniversary of Luke going to heaven. I also promise to write a post devoted to Emma soon too.

Until then, stay warm to all of our northern friends and family and thanks for reading!