Traditions to Remember

My heart has been heavy missing Luke this holiday and my mind has been consumed by several close family and friends who are missing someone this year too.  The holidays have taken on a different dimension since I lost Luke, and this holiday is no different.  That doesn't mean that I am unable to find joy - I am.  It's just that the joy is made brighter by the missing and the missing is made darker by the joy.  This contrast has tapped into a depth of emotion that I have never experienced before losing Luke.  Maybe because I am pregnant I am just more emotional to begin with, but I have to say that Luke's absence has not been made less by the addition of another little baby to our family.  It is hard when someone's face lights up at my pregnant belly and says, "Oh wow!  You're expecting a third!  How wonderful!"  Or, "Good luck with three!  It is so different from two!"  It is painful to be reminded, no matter how good these sweet people's intentions are, that the world does not know that I already have a son, and the baby growing in my belly is actually my fourth.  Because of this, I cling tightly to traditions that help me to feel the presence of each of my four children together in one place.  Christmas is the perfect opportunity to impart such traditions, and below is my attempt at seeing my little family as together as possible until we all are reunited together in heaven.

I feel so blessed that we were able to find out the health and gender of Baby T four at the beginning of December.  We are having another GIRL and she is healthy!

Because Will and I learned first hand that we do not know how long we get to have our babies on earth, we love to name our children as soon as possible.  And despite my complete surprise at her being a girl - I thought for sure we were having our second boy! - we have named her with the help of one of our first family traditions.  If you will remember, not long after I found out I was pregnant with Lucy I was desperately praying for a sign that this baby would be healthy.  Luke came to me in a dream and told me that I was going to have a healthy baby girl named Lucy.  Several months later our ultrasound confirmed that we were definitely having a healthy baby girl.  Flash forward two years later and I am pregnant with our third child.  We had already found out at our ultrasound that we were having a second little girl but we had yet to have any ideas for a name.  I prayed one Sunday morning that God would give me a sign and that afternoon as Will, Lucy and I were sitting at the table together coloring, Lucy informed us that she was coloring a picture of her baby sister named Emma.  Flash forward three more years and we tell Lucy and Emma that we are having a baby.  Emma immediately informed us that the baby's name was Purple Flower.  Will and I laughed, and thought nothing more of it.  In the months leading up to Baby T Four's ultrasound, I became more and more convinced that I was having a boy and even had a boy name typed on our Christmas card - ready to be printed out as soon as the ultrasound confirmed my thoughts.  Emma continued to tell Will and I that the baby was a girl named Purple Flower but I was so convinced I was carrying a boy that I just laughed and chalked it up to purple being Emma's favorite color and her not wanting a baby brother.  After the ultrasound revealed our fourth child was another girl, we started giving Emma's name consideration.  After all, Luke named Lucy, Lucy named Emma, perhaps we should let Emma name Baby T Four?  But Purple Flower?

With slight modification, we are happy to introduce Baby T Four as Violet Rose Timmerman!

 

Her name has been officially sewn onto her stocking, as well as added to the traditional family Christmas ornament.

I can't tell you just how much I love seeing all four of my children's names together, if even it is just a stocking line up, or four gingerbread ornaments hanging on my Christmas tree.

I also immediately contacted the graphic designer of our Christmas card to change the boy name to a girl name.  She was very non judgemental when she found out I had named the baby as a boy without having ultrasound proof!

Which brings me to my last story.  This year's Christmas card.  I love sending out Christmas cards and updating my family and friends addresses by adding new addresses and names as well as acknowledging the names that have gone to heaven over the past year.  I also love the chance to sign all of our names, including my traditional line of "With Luke Forever in our Hearts."  This is my one chance each year to have Luke's name in a card.  But this year I wanted something completely different.  I wanted to find a way to show all of my babies together in one place, while announcing our fourth child's gender and name.  This is no easy task with one child in heaven and another child still in my tummy.  I finally came up with the above image and found an artist who was able to put our silhouettes into black and white while adding in Luke's and Violet's presence too!  It is my favorite picture of the year by far and I will treasure it forever.  

But there is more to the card than even I could have planned.  Because of the name change needed for the card, I ended up having to pay for rush shipping to get the cards to me before Christmas.  Completely worth the extra cost, but when they arrived on my doorstep the print quality was horrible.  I could barely read the words and the silhouettes were blurry.  I called the company and they told me that there was no way that they could get the reprints to me before Christmas.  In desperation, I called a local printer who has done a great job this year with handling all of our math poster printing.  He had the cards in my hand within three hours of me calling him.  Amazing turnaround and the cards looked great.  The downside however, is that they cost three times as much.  To make my frugal self feel better about the cost, I told myself that there had to be a reason that this happened with the cards and although I may never know, I will trust in a higher power and pay the price to have my Christmas cards out in time for Christmas.  I mailed the check with one of the Christmas cards to my printer.  Christmas eve I received an email from my printer.  He was touched by our Christmas card, and then shared a story about himself that I had NO IDEA about.  And probably never would have.  He has a child in heaven as well.  Comforting words were shared and our children were remembered by someone who knows first hand the scariness and sacredness of sharing our children's story.  I can't tell you how much this has been on my mind and how much it means to me.  I truly believe that his daughter and my son got together in heaven and helped show their parents that they are not alone in their missing and that they are still very much with us.

I am truly blessed and emotional beyond words this Christmas.  The pain, the joy, the love and the remembering are all wrapped up in my heart and it is overflowing with happy and sad tears.  

Here's to a Merry Christmas where you feel the presence of your loved ones near and far, on earth and in heaven.

No Small Talk

Because I haven't had a chance to get a word in edgewise this past month, I have come up with two words to describe Emma at 32 months: Nonstop Chatter.  From the moment she wakes up, until the moment she finally falls asleep, this girl is talking.  Will says she has found her voice.  If we are eating a meal, driving in the car, or accomplishing any mundane daily task, Emma is filling the air with sound waves.  She barely pauses for a breath or to hear a response and so usually she is repeating the same thing over and over again until we find a way to break through the chatter.

"Mom, when can I play with the iPad?  Is it time for me to play with the iPad?  I only played with the iPad yesterday.  Today is today and I need to play with the iPad.  When can I play with the iPad?"  And after I get a chance to answer she runs off and comes back a minute later asking, "Is it time to play with the iPad?  Lucy got to play with the iPad but I didn't.  I never get to play with the iPad.  How about I play with the iPad while you make lunch?  Dad let's me play with the iPad when he makes lunch.  I promise I will share with Lucy.  Can I play with the iPad?  I want to play with the iPad!"

Emma is definitely persistent.  Her favorite things to hound me about are time with the iPad, watching a movie, eating a treat, and having her vitamins.  Of course this doesn't limit anything else she may have decided she can't live without at the moment, but they do seem to be her favorite topics of begging.  After I tell her in so many words "not right now" she most usually responds with, "But Mama! Blah blitty blah blah blah..."  At which point I have tuned her out.  I have to say that I am able to tune a lot of things out.  It drives Will crazy sometimes as I really don't know what triggers the switch in my mind to shut down my "listening ears" and as a result I will occasionally tune Will out.  I've been trying to ease Will's hurt feelings by telling him it is simply an over active survival tactic my brain has employed so that his wife doesn't go to Crazy Town in a Hand Basket.

Just because Emma is talking all of the time doesn't necessarily mean we understand it, even if I am paying attention.  After our Christmas tree was up it took about an hour to realize that she wasn't saying "Trick or Treat" but in fact, "Christmas Tree."  Every week on our way to dance class, a portion of the trip is on a bumpy dirt road. When the tires hit the bumps I always say the line, "Hold on to your britches!" without giving it much thought.  We were on a different bumpy road the other day and she kept saying, "Hole to your bitches!" which I knew must mean something else but couldn't for the life of me figure out what.  That is until I glanced back at her and saw her holding onto her pant legs.  What a relief cracking that code was!

She is quite good natured when she isn't hungry or tired and so usually is a very accommodating little girl.  Here she is below taking pictures with her play camera of Lucy hosting a doll birthday party.  She is generally willing to go along with any play scheme Lucy cooks up and if asked nicely (emphasis on asked nicely!), will fork over any toy that Lucy requests.  Emma is known about our house as answering any request with, "Sure!"

She is still into accessorizing and tries to make sure her outfit for the day includes three things: something purple, a tutu and rings.  The other day we had a Christmas party with my side of the family at a restaurant.  Emma had a ton of fun playing with her cousins and in the hustle and bustle of packing up to go, we forgot her rings at the restaurant.  Emma realized her rings were missing after we had left and cried broken heartedly all the way home.  Under normal circumstances we would have turned the car around and gone back, however it was the first big snow storm of the year and the roads were horrible.  My heart was breaking for her as it was one of those times in parenting where as much as you want to make everything all better, my hands were tied and I had to watch real life consequences unfold.  That really affected me, and so when we got home I gave her a bracelet that I had been holding onto since my childhood.  A band aid, but definitely no replacement for what she had lost.

Here she is below showing off her rings and her self-given manicure polished with purple, permanent marker.

Emma: "Mom, do you like my nail polish?"

Me: "Oh, Emma, where did you find that marker at?"

Emma: "But Mama, do you like my pretty nails?"

Me: "Your nails look very pretty but I wish you didn't use a permanent marker."

Emma: "But Mom!  It's purple!  Purple is my favorite.  Do you like my nails Mama?"

Me: Sigh. "Yes Emma, I like your nails."

Here's Emma below wearing her favorite outfit, while taking a "back ride" up to bed on her favorite guy.

  Off to bed with you my purple princess.  Mama needs some time now to hear her own thoughts!

Arts, Crafts and Coughs in November

I found it hard to believe that we spent most of November sick as I compiled all of the pictures from this past month.  But sick we were and I suppose we just really lived it up in the small windows of health we had scattered through the last couple of weeks.  Will has a super human immune system from working in the school system for the last decade but the rest of us mere mortals were no match for what had to be multiple different bugs.  The girls powered through it, but I was knocked out.  I went from a virus to bronchitis to a sinus infection with a day or two off in between each new bug.  The worst part was that Will was working a lot this past month, and didn't come home till after the girls were in bed many nights.  I finally recovered by the end of the Thanksgiving break thanks to Will having five days off and me being able to catch up on sleep.

I guess I should note that Charlie stayed healthy as well this past month and doesn't seem to be bothered by the colder temperatures.  Lucy and Charlie are still best buds and he always comes running whenever Lucy calls his name.  In the top middle picture Charlie is peeking his head out of the insulated cat bed Will made to help him get through the winter in our garage.  It is two Rubbermaid containers, a slightly smaller one nested inside a slightly larger one with pink insulation between the two boxes and a nice warm blanket inside for Charlie to snuggle up on.  Thank you YouTube and your many videos on how to make easy and inexpensive habitats for cats!

Lucy refers to Charlie as her baby and it is so nice for me to vicariously live through Lucy as I watch her snuggle and love that cat when my allergies hardly allow me to even pet him.  I'm telling you, there is something to be said in watching your kid do something you could only ever dream about.  All of the cliches are true - even if it is something as simple as petting a cat without your throat closing off.

Lucy still loves her baby dolls too, and this past month used my camera to take the classic, "Look at my angel sleeping" photos.  I laughed every time I found these pictures on my camera.

Lucy also hosted some doll birthday parties complete with wrapped gifts, cake, ice cream and of course picture taking.  Here she is below for baby Emma's (the doll is named after her Aunt Emma) first birthday party.

The picture below is of Lucy holding one of her babies that looks like a real newborn.  It actually wears newborn sized clothes and continues to make my heart jump each time I see Lucy come around the corner holding this doll on her hip.

She brought the above doll on some errands a week or two ago and as I was getting out of the car I noticed the doll laying haphazardly face down on the front passenger seat.  It gave me a start and then caused me to put a blanket over it so no one called Child Services while I was in the post office.

Lucy is now interested in Barbies.  My mom was never allowed to play with them growing up, but decided to let me have a few so that I didn't obsess over a relatively harmless doll.  Sure, her figure is less than realistic but as a kid I never thought about it.  I have plenty of fond memories playing with my Barbies and I wish that I still had them to pass along to my daughters.  It became an entirely different situation however, the first time I went to the store to buy my daughter a Barbie.  I was shocked by how "mature" they looked from the barely there clothes to the painted on make up.  After several shopping trips where I left empty-handed, I finally found some Barbies that seemed appropriate for a four year old.  The initial shock has since worn off, and Lucy now owns several Barbies.  Will is having a harder time coming around to this new toy phase however, and is appalled every time he steps on another naked Barbie.  I was thinking of taking some nail polish and painting clothes on them for his sake - a Pinterest inspiration.  Here Lucy is below with the first Barbie she bought with her own money.

Speaking of buying things with your own money, I have been saving up my extra pennies for quite some time after I found out the historic art tile company near us had designed a new honey bee tile.  I finally figured out the perfect use for them and commissioned one of my favorite art studios in Ohio to design and build a mirror around the tiles to hang above my new built in dresser.  I wanted the glaze on the tiles to match, so I had to wait for a new run of tiles to be produced and then once those were finished I had to ship them to Ohio and wait for the studio there to build the frame for the mirror and tiles.  I'd say it took about three months from start to finish but it felt like forever!  I was so excited when the giant box finally showed up on my doorstep this past month.  Notice the packing peanut disaster (background of top right picture below) that occurred when we pulled the mirror out of the box.  Seriously, isn't there a better way to ensure that a mirror can safely cross state lines in a FedEx truck without those static-cling, impossible to pick up packing peanuts?  My excitement was only slightly dampened by the packing peanut mess and the new tiles and mirror look bee-utiful above my new built in dresser.

Thankfully my antibiotics kicked in so that I could still go to the Painting Party my friend Theresa and I put together at a new painting studio by our house.  It seems from my various Facebook friends posts that these Painting Party Places are all the rage these days, and my sister in law is wondering if we will remember them fondly in the years to come, much like Jazzercise and ____.  Either way, it was a great afternoon out with some of my favorite friends and family members and if you missed it, please consider hosting one yourself and inviting me.  My family was impressed with the painting I brought home and Will even took it upon himself to hang it above our toilet and give it an inappropriate name.

In between fevers we made it to a pottery class with friends of ours too.  The girls made cute ceramic angels that they are wrapping up and giving to Will for Christmas.  Because I have written that last sentence and posted the below pictures in this blog post, Will is hereby banned from reading it until after Christmas.

Emma was a bit unsure of the coldness and dampness of the clay, however really enjoyed painting the glazes on the angel I assembled for her.  Lucy was completely immersed in her project and loved every step of it.

We had friends over at the beginning of this month before the great sickness of November hit us, and had fun making gingerbread cookies together.  I was pleasantly surprised when the second grader read the story of the gingerbread man to the younger girls while I was cleaning up.  It is so easy to forget that our children won't be helpless forever, and it was refreshing to be around a first and second grader for the day and to see how just a couple of years makes a huge difference in how they think, see and interact with the world.  I need to smack my sentimental self and remember that each new phase comes with wonderful things too.

I guess we had quite an artsy craftsy month, despite the germs raging through our house.  The girls spent a lot of time making self-directed bead projects while I stood at the stove over a steaming pot of water and oregano oil trying to clear my sinuses.

In the above pictures, each girl is holding in her hand a play doh cookie.  That particular afternoon they played with play doh for over three hours.  My attention span for play doh is about twenty minutes after which I come up with excuses to escape.  This particular time I had an excuse they couldn't argue with - mama's got germs and if I touch the play doh I will have to throw it out.  For once they were fine with me on the sidelines.  The beads in the carpet and the play doh crumbs all over the floor and stuck to our socks were worth the quiet and creative play I kept reminding myself.

Lucy, Lucy.  That girl can dawdle like no one I have ever met before.  She dawdles in the morning getting ready, she dawdles getting in her car seat, she dawdles at meal time.  This past month it felt like she never left the table between meals.  Keep in mind we do not have the clean plate rule at our house - we eat until we are full, and only ourselves decide what goes into our own mouth.  I'd say that is pretty reasonable of us, and a lot easier than I had it growing up and even most kids have it these days.  So why is Lucy sitting there an hour after everyone has finished eating?  One night as bedtime was fast approaching I decided to set the timer and if she wasn't done eating dinner when the buzzer went off, too bad.  The below picture shows the look she gave me after I set the timer.  Needless to say, she refused to take a bite of food until the timer went off.  Game over my stubborn Lucy.  Mama is just as stubborn.  I am happy to report that the next evening - although I still had to set the timer - she finished eating before the buzzer sounded.  Winner winner, she ate her chicken (or turkey) dinner.

Below are the last harvests from our garden.  Our carrots did well, as did our cabbage.  We were very disappointed in our beets however.  Last year they did spectacular and I was planning on a bumper crop again this year.  Imagine our shock when we pulled up what we thought were the beet greens that we had patiently watched grow and watered all summer long and realized that they were in fact Swiss chard.  Lots and lots of Swiss chard with maybe eight beets sprinkled among them.  What a bummer.  I can only eat so much Swiss chard - but beets, oh beets.  I love roasted beets, boiled beets, pickled beets, beets with feta cheese...  I don't know how we confused the seeds this past spring, but that Swiss chard definitely had much too long a life that ended with the chickens feasting on most of it.  I was too disappointed to force myself to eat it based on the only two things Swiss chard has going for it in my opinion - it is healthy and goes well in soups.  I did go to the farmer's market the last weekend it was open this season and buy a bushel of beets so all is well that ends well, it's just too bad all that precious real estate in my garden was hoarded by Swiss chard and not my ruby red Detroit Beets.

We scored all of the above pumpkins for free the weekend after Halloween when the farm stand by our house decided it wasn't worth their time to pack up the remaining bins of orange squash that they had just the day before sold for $5-$15 a piece.  Our chickens enjoy the pumpkin guts, as does our neighbor's sheep so we loaded up as much as could fit in our car and hauled them home.  The glowing red Japanese Maple tree at the corner of our front porch in the above picture looked amazing this past month and maybe was God's way of giving me something ruby red when He saw us plant Swiss chard instead of beets this past spring.

We did spend a lot of time outdoors this month, as the cold air was one of the only things that got our sinuses to drain.  We enjoyed many walks through the Green Space near our house and enjoyed experiencing the beauty of nature after the season's first snow fall.

We had a nice, relaxing Thanksgiving holiday and enjoyed my sister coming to visit, as well as the added sense of security that came with Will joining us on our nature walks.  

Lately I haven't felt as safe in the woods with just myself and the girls and I'm wondering if it is my pregnancy hormones kicking my paranoia into overdrive or if it is my God-given intuition.  Either way, a slightly creepy experience has ruined my nature walks with the girls and I am wondering if we need to stick to the sidewalks unless Will is with us.  This pretty much takes nature walks out of the equation Monday through Friday as it is dark by the time Will gets home and weekends always seem so busy.  I know that the days will be getting longer soon enough, but it is sad that I can't enjoy a nice sunny winter nature walk without Will to feel safe.  

I do think winter hikes are the best - no bugs or sweat to interrupt the view and the air just seems so fresh after being cooped up all day and night in the house.  I have a deeper appreciation of being outside when it is cold as I am only able to do it in short bursts before the cold numbs my fingers, toes and nose and drives me back into the warmth of home.  This in turn gives me a renewed appreciation of my warm and cozy house and there is something so comforting about my slippers and a cup of hot coco or tea after coming inside from a winter walk.  I will be actively pursuing a solution to my nature nervousness because I refuse to give up winter walks with my girls!  Anyone want to come walk with us?