Wee T.'s Name

Lucy Anne Timmerman

Lucy means bringer of light and our daughter has definitely done that for her parents. Lucy is also the feminine version of Luke. Will and I feel that Luke and Lucy will always have a special bond and we wanted that reflected in his little sister's name. The middle name Anne is from my favorite childhood books Anne of Green Gables. Coincidentally, the author of these beloved books was named Lucy too.

I have been calling Wee T. Lucy almost since we found out we were pregnant, and it just feels right. Will is the one who picked out her first name, and I immediately loved it (especially since it wasn't a flower name or Gertie like he'd been suggesting most recently).

I also never understood parents who revealed both the gender and the name of their child before they were born. I feel differently now. As I mentioned in my last blog, I am sorry that Luke's name wasn't publically known until after he was gone. Life is short and precious. Lucy deserves a name here and now.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Will and I had a nice Christmas. There were some rough patches, especially at the cemetery this morning, but overall we are doing okay. I would have never imagined a year ago today that we would be standing at our son's grave on Christmas morning, instead of trying to get our 10 month old to open his presents and watch him play with the boxes they came in. Lucy just gave me a little kick as I type this though, and is a constant reminder that life does move on, but we will take our love for Luke with us until we are all together again.

Merry Christmas,
Love,
Liz, Will & Lucy with Luke forever in our hearts

Merry Christmas Eve

I've been wanting to post for the last couple of days, and finally got a moment. All of my cookies are baked and iced, the presents are wrapped, and the house is clean. Throughout all of these preparations, I can't help but wonder how things would have been with a 10 month old this Christmas. I probably wouldn't have been able to bake the 4 varieties of Christmas cookies, or leave the wrapped presents sitting under the tree. Oh how I wish things were different and Will and I could experience the joy of the Christmas season with Luke. Life doesn't always turn out the way that we had hoped or planned, and we just have to trust that God knows what he is doing. Luke is having his first Christmas in Heaven this year, and I can only image the joy that he gets to be a part of. We do have the hope of his baby sister kicking and wiggling inside of me which is helping us put our eyes toward the future and smile again.

As we look back on 2008, it has been quite a year. Will and I have felt the joys and sorrows of parenthood in a way that we hope few go through. We are grateful that we have two children - a son and a daughter. We are grateful for all of the blessings we have received through our supportive and loving families who have been with us through the loss of Luke. They continue to love Luke, and talk to us about him. This means the world to us that his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins still think about him, love him and miss him. We are also thankful for all of the friendships, new and old that have been strengthened through our son Luke. Truly during times of great pain do you find out who your friends are. We couldn't be more blessed than to have the friends we do. I would name you each individually, but I hope that I have been able to convey to you each personally just how much you have helped us. From feeding us, to listening, talking, hugging, crying, laughing and praying with us. My heart is full with gratitude and love.

I am excited to say that Will and I have finally decided on a name for Wee T. and would like everyone to come to know her better by announcing her name. I regret that we didn't have a name for Luke until after he was gone, and I will never make that mistake again. Since we do not know how long we get to have our children for, Will and I want to bond with and love on Wee T. as much as we can. It doesn't take being born to make you a person and a member of our family. Wee T. is a much loved member of our family right now and we can't wait to share with our family and friends her beautiful name. You will have to wait until tomorrow though, as we have made the unveiling of her name a part of the grandparents Christmas present, and we don't want to ruin the surprise.

So, until tomorrow.... Merry Christmas Eve!

Miracle

I wanted to share on this blog a recent realization that I came to about Luke. When I was pregnant with Luke, it never occured to Will and I that we could lose him. We were full of hope and believed that he was a strong fighter, and would make it through all of the tough surgeries ahead of him. It was a complete shock to us when we arrived in the ER concerned that we hadn't felt him move that day and the heartbeat monitor only picked up my heartbeat. The stillness of our constantly active baby on the ultrasound monitor will be an image Will and I will never forget. In that moment, we knew that we had lost him. Leaving the hospital with empty arms and only a head full of memories, a heart full of sadness and a camera full of pictures was one of the hardest things we ever had to do.

When we came home, we wanted to put reminders of Luke around us everywhere. I printed our favorite picture of Luke and put it in the only empty frame we had at the time - a frame that was given to us when we were pregnant that said "Miracle" across the bottom. Up until now, the irony of those words have always bothered me. How can it be a miracle that we are holding our dead son? How can it be a miracle that we had to leave the hospital without him? How can it be a miracle that we will never see his sweet face, or watch him grow on this earth? How can this endless pain that we are learning to live with on a daily basis be a miracle?

Two amazing women who have wonderful blogs have opened my eyes to the miracle this morning. EVERY life is a miracle. No matter how short. Luke's life has forever changed my life and that in itself is a miracle. Luke didn't have to utter a cry or feel any pain on this earth, and yet still is our son, and will live in our hearts forever - that is a miracle. All Luke ever felt was the love of his parents, and the warm enclosure of my stomach. When God decided it was Luke's time to go home, he took Luke while his parents were peacefully sleeping side by side. Miracle.

I am missing my Luke today as always.

Wee T's a She!

Yes, it's true! Wee T is a healthy baby girl. Will and I went in for our 20 week ultrasound this afternoon, and heard good news for the first time in the Royal Oak Fetal Imaging Department. It was amazing to us to see little Wee T's healthy spine, healthy three vessel umbilical cord, two kidneys, and a working stomach. Not to mention her healthy heart, brain and limbs. As far as they could see, everything is healthy with Wee T. She weighs about 10 ounces right now, and is average in all of her measurements. Luke was right when he told me that he would have a healthy baby sister. When the ultrasound tech was trying to get Wee T's measurements, we caught a glimpse of Wee T yawning. She seemed to be saying, "Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep here!" Little does she know just how happy her parents are to have her here with us.

Here's two of the pictures from this afternoon. One is her profile, the other is her caught in the middle of a wee yawn.

9 Months Ago...

...I held my baby boy. Nine months ago today, I had to say goodbye. I have now come to the point where I have missed my Luke longer than I had him with me. It is a strange thing to consider. I can still close my eyes and feel his warmth, and his weight in my arms. I can still smell his earthy, sweet baby smell. Every day, I still play back the events in my mind of the day we found out we lost him, the day we finally got to meet him. Such bittersweet memories. I would do it all again though, even knowing the ending. I am thankful for every day we got to have Luke with us, and although I wish it was longer, much, much longer, I am thankful. We have a son! A beautiful, sweet boy who is laughing and playing in heaven with all of our friends and family that have gone before us. A wonderful mom named Susan who cannot be on earth with her daughter - she is watching out for Luke for me and giving him the love only a mom can. My grandpa, who loved to rock in his great big rocking chair - he is rocking Luke for me. My Uncle Mike, who was always such a joker -he is making Luke laugh. My Great Uncle Bill - he is filling heaven with his great big hearty laugh, and making Luke smile. And Will's grandpa, who we never got to meet - I know he is loving Luke and making up for all the grandkids on earth that he never got to hold. So although my arms are empty and aching for my son, I know that he is well loved and taken care of in heaven. I hope our family and friends up there are telling Luke just how much he means to his parents, and just how much we love him.

Wee T was 17 weeks old on Monday. I am starting to feel her kick and wiggle more and more. This is my favorite part of being pregnant. She squirms at the most random times, and always brings a smile to my face when she does. Wee T has no idea yet just how happy she is making her mom and dad. On Monday, December 1 we have our first ultrasound scheduled. We are hoping to find out then that all is healthy with Wee T, and we are hoping to confirm her gender as well! I will post as soon as we hear anything. Until then, if you could keep us in your thoughts and prayers on December 1, we would appreciate it. We have so many memories attached with the fetal imaging department at Royal Oak Beaumont. We are hoping December 1 will be the first time we hear good news there. Either way, I know it will be emotional, but I really can't wait to catch our first real glimpse of Wee T.

Remembrance Service

On Monday evening, we went to a Remembrance Service at our church for all the families who have lost loved ones in the past year. Both of our parents came, and three of my siblings. It was very well done. Each deceased loved one's name was read during the service, along with the chime of a bell. A cross with Luke's name that laid on his casket during his funeral service was also presented to us. It was quite emotional, but we were happy for the chance to attend something in Luke's honor. After the service, my mom presented us with cookies she made for us that were hearts, with a hole in them to represent the hole in all of our hearts now that Luke is gone. They were so beautiful! It means a lot to Will and I to know that Luke is missed by more than just his parents.

I was 15 weeks on Monday. Wee T got to vote for the first time yesterday, and will have to wait at least another 18 years before she can do that again! God Bless America!

Joyous

This past weekend, Will and I had the honor of standing up in the wedding of my oldest friend, Lindsay in Saugatuck, Michigan. We have known each other since 5th grade and I have always felt an 'other' world connection with her. No matter where our lives take us - different colleges, different cities, different states, the connection is always there. She has been such a blessing in my life. This past weekend can be summed up into one word: Joyous. Lindsay and Jim, your wedding was absolutly beautiful. The flowers, The Belvedere, the dress, the bride, the groom, the autumn colors, the details. But that just describes the background. What was truly beautiful was the love that you both clearly share, and the way that both of your amazing families and friends came together. The utter joy and happiness that you could almost reach out and touch. I kept thinking as I watched your guests dance and interact that this is what heaven must be like. The love, happiness and JOY was tangible. It was an amazing weekend. Thank you Lindsay and Jim for giving us the chance to share in such joy. On a side note, Wee T was happy that she got to dance to Abba's Dancing Queen for the first time with her mom's friends.

On Sunday, we were able to take Wee T for a hike to see Lake Michigan. The fall colors were amazing. We were slightly disappointed though that when we got to the last sand dune, we couldn't go over it to see the water because the wind was so strong and sand was blowing everywhere. We did hear the water though, and it sounded like an ocean! Either way, it was a nice ending to a wonderful weekend.

I was 14 weeks on Monday and am into the second trimester now. This is supposed to be the honeymoon trimester where the morning sickness is all but gone and I'm not big enough to be uncomfortable yet. I keep reminding myself to appreciate it!

Wee T's Heartbeat!

Yesterday was Will's birthday, and about a month ago I had the brilliant idea of making the heartbeat appointment for our little one on his birthday for a meaningful present. As the appointment got closer, I started to panic though. What if we heard bad news? What if they couldn't find the heartbeat? The last time Will and I went in to hear our baby's heartbeat, we found out that Luke was gone. Needless to say, our wonderful doctor found the heartbeat, but it took a few panic stricken seconds where I know both Will's and my heart felt like they stopped. Never have we heard such a sweet sound though, as little Wee T's heartbeat. Thank God! So, it did end up being a great birthday present for Will.

And yes, Wee T is the nickname we are giving our new little one, and from here on out (until testing proves otherwise!) I will be referring to Wee T as a she/her to avoid using 'it'. Baby T will always be Luke's so we felt like we needed something different for this baby. Fortunately, when talking to my friend Lindsay about our search for a name, her fiance (soon to be husband this coming Saturday!) Jim came up with Wee T, which Will and I both thought was so cute. We won't go into where Jim got this name from, but will say that we are still waiting to hear back from him on what Wee T's super powers are.

Wee T has had an eventful week - Wee T was on the 11 o'clock news on Friday night for a financial segment, and then traveled to Kalamazoo on Saturday for Lindsay's bachelorette party. Wee T even got to sip on some non-alcoholic martini's that Piper and Stacy so thoughtfully made. Then on Sunday, she got to go to a good friend's baptism, where her Mom and Dad were so honored to be the Godparents of baby Killian. Wee T rounded out the busy couple of days by showing off her heartbeat for her Dad's birthday.

Luke would have been 8 months on Sunday. Lukey, we love you! Please keep Wee T safe!

Luke's going to be a big brother!

Will and I are happy to say that Luke is going to be a big brother! We are expecting our second child to arrive sometime in April. About a month before we found out we were pregnant, I asked Luke to send me a sign so that I wouldn't worry as much during our next pregnancy. A month later, right before we found out we were pregnant, I had a dream that I was holding a healthy baby girl. So, hopefully Luke got the gender right (because I'm referring to the baby as a girl now), but I think the important thing he wanted his mom to know is that this baby is going to be healthy.

Being pregnant again has brought a strange mix of emotions. In fact, I think it has caused us to miss our Luke even more. I am still not over missing my baby boy. I still think about him every day. I still wish for him back. I am still his mother. Just because we are happy to have a second child doesn't mean that we have forgotten or hope to replace Luke. No matter how many children we have, none of them will replace Luke and there will always be a part of our family that is missing. While we are now looking forward to our second child, we will always have a hole in our heart and life where Luke should have been. Another baby cannot fill that hole. This baby is new to me, and does nothing to erase the pain of missing Luke. I may be able to better handle my grief, to hide it, to live with it, but it is still there. I still mourn and love my Luke while celebrating our new baby. This new baby does not exclude or 'make up for' missing our Lukey. Luke will always be our firstborn, and we can't wait to tell our new little one all about their big brother in heaven.

With that being said, please keep us in your prayers as we find the balance between celebrating our new child, while still grieving for our son Luke.

Today, Luke would have been 7 months old. We miss you Luke, more than we know how to say.

Luke Thomas Timmerman

On Tuesday, February 19 at 11:14 am, Will and I welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world - Luke Thomas Timmerman. He was 5 lbs. 1 oz., 19 inches long and had dark hair like his mom. Sadly, Luke had passed away the Sunday earlier because the umbilical cord had wrapped around our son's tiny little leg. We would like to think that if Luke had anything to do with it, he would be here with us today, our strong little fighter. Luke has his mom's feet - and they were really big! Luke also has his mom's hands and his dad's forehead, nose and ears. Will and I have never been so proud to meet such a tiny person, and are so happy that we have a son. He is our little boy up in heaven and we can't wait to one day be able to hold him again. Until then, he will be a part of our daily lives and Will and I are so much happier for having met him.

Luke's funeral will be Saturday, February 23 at 10:00am at St. Jane Frances de Chantel (Ryan Rd., between 16 & 17 Mile Rd.). Visitation will be at 9:30am. A private burial will follow at the cemetary.

Thank you to all of our family and friends for your support over the last several months. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we grieve the loss of our beautiful son, Luke.

Baby Timmerman's Little Face

Here is one of the ultrasound pictures from this past Thursday. You can see Baby T.'s little chubby cheek resting on his/her arm. The darkness along Baby T.'s hairline is just where the ultrasound left off - not hair, as I was hoping. So, it is still a mystery as to what type of hair, if any, that our baby has.

Ultrasound Update

Today Will and I had our weekly doctor appointment, followed by an ultrasound. It has been 4 weeks since our last ultrasound. This time we were actually able to see our baby's face in 3D, and noticed that his ears and nose look like Will's. However, he looks like he inherited my feet. Poor kid! It is amazing how clear the picture is on the high tec equipment at Royal Oak Beaumont. The best news is, there didn't seem to be any fluid on the baby's brain, which is great because a large percentage of babies with spina bifida do have fluid on the brain that needs to be drained with a shunt once they are born. So far so good for our little one though. The levels of amniotic fluid are still very high, and as we were leaving this afternoon, the doctor reminded us with a laugh to not forget our beach towel. Nice, huh.

Interesting side note - for the last week or two I have been having sharp pain under my ribs, and seasoned mothers have told me that is the baby kicking. Well, today during the ultrasound I was having those same sharp pains under my right ribs. So, the ultrasound tech investigated and found out that the baby's feet were nowhere near my ribs, but that my gall bladder was right there. So - a public apology to Baby T.! Mom is sorry for accusing you for the rib pain!

That's it for now. I'm going to go put my feet up. My ankles have swollen, and have been replaced with kankles! I hesitate to blame Baby T....

33 Weeks

On Saturday I was 33 weeks. Only 7 to go! At this point however, I will be shocked if I make it another 7 weeks. Last week at our doctor appointment, the doctor said I was measuring at 37 weeks because of the excessive amounts of amniotic fluid that I have. The good news about the large amounts of amniotic fluid, is that our baby's one kidney is working as that is what makes the amniotic fluid. The bad news is that because our baby's esophogus isn't connected to his stomach, he is unable to swallow the amniotic fluid and pass it through his umbilical cord and out through me. So, the amniotic fluid keeps building up with no place to go. We thought the doctor was joking at our last ultrasound, when she told us to carry around a beach towel. I guess the pressure from all of the fluid will eventually cause my water to break like Niagra Falls. I am just really hoping that doesn't happen in public somewhere!

Will and I are continuing to make preparations for the baby. On Saturday we had a tour of the hospital, and the neonatal intensive care unit where our baby will be after he is born. We feel a lot better now, knowing exactly where everything will take place, and are comforted by the fact that everyone we spoke with was very nice. I think we will be in very good hands.

A note about the arrival of Baby T. - we learned on Saturday that Baby T. will be staying on a seperate floor from me, in the neonatal intensive care unit, and will be unable to have visitors without either Will or I accompanying them, one at a time. Unfortunately we are going to have to request that our friends and family wait until Baby T. is stablized before we can have visitors, as it will be too difficult for Will to play tour guide while I am on a different floor recovering. This definitely isn't how we anticipated the arrival of our first child going - as we are very excited to introduce Baby T. to our friends and family. We will just have to make do with the situation we are given. So - upon Baby T's arrival, expect to find pictures on this blog to tide you over until we can accept visitors. The good news is - Beaumont has wireless interenet so we will be able to post the pictures quickly. AND, yesterday we bought a new digital camera just for this event, so hopefully the pictures will be top notch!

Hello to all of our family and friends

Will and I thought it would be helpful to keep our family and friends updated on Baby T's arrival with a blog. Especially since in the coming weeks, it will be difficult for Will and I to keep everyone in the loop. We appreciate all of the support and prayers we have received from our circle of family and friends over the past couple of months. Stay tuned for updates, and of course, pictures when Baby T arrives!

A little background:

We are anxiously anticipating the arrival of our first child - due March 22, 2008. This past fall, we learned that our baby had spina bifida, and then a couple of weeks ago we learned that he has the syndrome VATER. VATER is an acronym for a group of birth defects - each letter stands for a different birth defect. At this point, testing has confirmed that our baby has 3 out of the possible 5 - spina bifida, his esophogus isn't attached to his stomach, and he only has one kidney. Baby T faces many challenges when he is born, but we know that our child is a fighter due to the constant kicks to my sore ribs!