Luke's 7th Birthday

It has been seven years since I held Luke in my arms.  Seven years since we said hello and goodbye.

I think about Luke every single day, just as I think about my other children.  But there is an added level of sadness with my thoughts about Luke on significant holidays.  With the anniversary of his birth and death, my thoughts become nostalgic and full of ache.  I wish that I could go back in time and prepare my young, hopeful self for a tragedy that I never imagined would happen to me.  I think about moments in time where I found the strength to say goodbye to Luke for the final time and watch the nurses take him away from me.  Or how not even 24 hours after giving birth I was hobbling through a frigid and wind swept cemetery to pick out my baby's grave plot.  Seven years ago today I became a different person.  Not only did immeasurable sadness fill my heart leaving a deeply engraved hole, but I also experienced for the first time in my life the tangible Grace of God.  There were moments throughout Luke's birth and funeral where a peace that surpasses all understanding surrounded Will and I.  We could almost smell heaven, we felt God's grace that much.  Luke's birth and death are not just sad to us.  He is our son, and we are proud of him, and love him as much as we love Lucy, Emma and Violet.

So, how do you celebrate a day so laden with pain and joy?  How do you honor your son when he is not here?  Well, first we went to the balloon store.

Then we awkwardly explained to the sweet woman behind us in line who the balloons are for when she asked us who's turning seven.  Bless her heart that she didn't shy away from us, but engaged us in a meaningful conversation even when it became uncomfortable.  She showed us true bravery and compassion.  In fact, all of my friends and family who have honored Luke with their love, remembrance and silent prayers have all shown us true bravery and compassion.  It is so hard to know the right thing to say or do in this type of situation, and yet our loved ones reached out to us still.  I cannot tell you how much that means to us.  I am especially grateful for the gift of my Godson's mama, who bravely answered my question about what a seven year old boy on earth would be like to mother.

We made birdseed ornaments with ice this year since we are in a record cold snap.  I forgot to take pictures of the finished product, so I will try and post them in my next blog post.  We then made a grocery list for all of the birthday foods and Will went to the store and picked up the ingredients.  

The girls were inspired to draw multiple pictures of them with Luke, and spent most of the morning coloring for their brother.   Lucy came up with the idea around lunchtime to make rubber band bracelets for Luke to attach to the balloons when we let them go, so that Luke can have rubber band bracelets in heaven.  She ended up turning the bracelets into rings so that the balloons would still float.  Each balloon had a ring on it, with special colors and patterns, exactly what Lucy thought Luke would like.

We went to the cemetery after lunch, as we were hoping to be there at the warmest part of the day.  It was 4 degrees when we arrived.  God only knows what the windchill was, as the breeze was so strong it made Emma cry.  Fortunately Will remembered to bring the shovel, and he cleared a path to Luke's grave while the rest of us stayed warm in the car.  Violet napped and Lucy, Emma and I munched on Tootsie Rolls - my favorite candy when I was pregnant with Luke.

We let our balloons go and laughed when mine got stuck and then cheered when it broke free and continued on its path to heaven.  Will's got stuck too, but didn't break free.  Lucy reminded Will not to worry though, because when we bought the balloons the day prior, Will's balloon broke free and made it's way heaven-bound while we watched in the parking lot.  The balloon store gave him a new one for free.

While we were at Luke's grave, Will got a text from work saying that school was canceled for tomorrow due to the extreme cold.  The timing was nice, and we couldn't help but think of it as a gift from Luke.

We ate all of Luke's favorite foods from when I was pregnant with him - cinnamon rolls and eggs for breakfast, grilled cheese, Clausen pickles, potato chips and frozen pears for lunch, and beef roast for dinner.

For Luke's birthday dessert, the girls and I made Thunder Cake, which is a chocolate cake recipe from one of our favorite illustrated books by Patricia Polacco by the same title.  In the book, the cake is made by a grandmother and her grand daughter to help the little girl overcome her fear of thunder.  There is a secret ingredient in the recipe, which we cringed when we added, but it turned out tasting fine.  It was a toss up if the secret ingredient was the pureed tomatoes I added, or the piece of hair I found in my first bite when we were eating it.  At the last minute I decided to ice the cake with my grandma's frosting recipe because I realized I didn't have the ingredients for the icing the book called for and I didn't feel right about sending Will out for the third time in record cold for another ingredient we had forgotten to put on our list.  It was nice, making my grandma's frosting, and picturing her with Luke in heaven.  It tasted good too, just how I remembered she made it, except hers was on a German Chocolate cake with sweetened coconut sprinkled on top of the frosting.

It was a relaxing day, spent with our little family on earth.  We didn't get a chance to read our signature Luke books, but we did listen to Luke songs on repeat throughout the day which was nice.  Violet kept me from dwelling on any emotion for very long, which perhaps was a blessing as I believe the secret to a good day is living it fully in the present.  This is tricky, when you are celebrating a life that is now in the past but meeting the demands of my earthly children kept me grounded and happy.  The weather was painfully cold, but it did result in us staying cozy and warm in our little house, enjoying our blessings without any outside pressures - Will's work was canceled and the girls yoga class was as well.  

All in all it was a good day.  Thank you Luke, for choosing us for your family and for showing us a glimpse of heaven through you.  Happy birthday sweet boy.  

January

We began the first month of the year by creating vision boards for 2015.  We spent several days flipping through magazines and cutting out any words or images that fit with our hopes and goals for this coming year.  I was surprised with how much everyone enjoyed this family project.  Our vision board turned out great - with each of us taking a triangle segment of the board, pasting things from candy, sprinkles, Disney World, books to read, health to obtain and life to live.  Right now it is propped up on our piano, and looking at it several times throughout my day is definitely a great reminder to make sure we are living the life we consciously are choosing.

We have spent a lot of time indoors this past month due to the freezing cold weather.  The girls don't seem to mind though, and have had fun in various creative endeavors, from putting on shows, planning a birthday party for one of Lucy's dolls complete with a homemade piñata (bottom left picture), creating a craft class (bottom middle picture) and playing many variations on the theme of "store".

 As I've mentioned before, I am constantly balancing the fine line of allowing creative freedom while keeping the house from being destroyed.  I was okay with the girls painting objects, baby sister and even myself with water on paint brushes but I must admit I lost my cool when I found hair of varying colors all over their beds and the carpet in their room.  Lucy was surprised by my reaction, and took me by the hand and showed me how she cleaned up and put all of the hair she had trimmed from her Barbies in the garbage can.  See bottom right hand picture below.

The girls have been making rubber band bracelets all month.  Lucy taught Emma how to make them, and the rest is history.  Besides worrying about the tiny rubber bands falling on the ground and being found by Violet, this is a relatively harmless creative outlet for them.

We have been busy with schoolwork.  This past month the girls learned about the human body, did various science experiments with Lucy's new science kit from Christmas and we had a ton of fun making paper snowflakes and decorating cakes for their play kitchen complete with faux icing and cake toppers compliments of Kiwi Crate.

During the week we get out of the house for socialization and exercise with the girls science class at the library, yoga class and dance class.  If it wasn't for the fact that I am paying for two of these classes you would have to pay me to leave the house with three kids and all of the winter accessories that must be put on to brave the cold.

Thank goodness for my grocery delivery service that I continue to LOVE.  Words cannot express how happy I am each week when they knock on my door with my fresh groceries.  Below are all of the fun things we cooked up in the kitchen - in clockwise order - water kefir cherry soda, chocolate chip cookie bars, frozen chocolate peanut butter banana bites, and fermented garlic and dill flavored carrot sticks. The center picture is of a creamy chicken dish I made with fresh garlic, spinach and mushrooms.  The girls love helping in the kitchen, and Emma loves sampling anything chocolate.

We had an eye doctor appointment for Lucy this past month which she was pretty nervous for, even though she was secretly hoping to get glasses.  She was bummed when her eyes checked out perfect while Will and I did a happy dance for all of the money we would save.  In the bottom left hand picture, I gave Lucy a pair of my old reading glasses from when I used to work as an editor.  I thought that the prescription was mild enough that she can use them for fashion glasses when she plays.  Will tried on the glasses when he got home from work and nixed the play glasses idea as he said looking through them gave him an instant headache.  Both girls had a dentist appointment too.

We also made it out of the house for time with friends at play dates, birthday parties, and covert lunches in the library.

We visited with Will's grandma this past month and had a really nice time.  Emma "secretly" raided the proverbial candy bowl and all of the girls enjoyed playing hide and go seek and making Great Grandma J. smile.

Winter is a difficult time of year with small kids in my opinion and there were several days this past month where I thought our house was just too small for the many emotions our three girls bring - until someone pointed out that if I had boys, it would probably be too small for all of the energy they would bring.  I guess it is safe to say that the winter days are long when you can't get outside as much as I would like.  Here are the sisters below, including me with one of my sisters!

Will is proud of his girls (I'm pretty sure I'm included in this) and is the first to speak up that he loves us if someone says they feel bad for him with all of those girls at his house.  He has finally found a downside to having four girls in the house though - clogged drains.  Here he is below, snaking the bathtub drain.  Yes, that is a giant hair clog that he caught, and it was heavier than my pony tail.  

I like to point out to Will that he isn't the only boy in our family on earth - he has Charlie after all.  Will gets annoyed when I tell him this (which is why I love to point it out as often as possible) and claims that the only reason that we have Charlie is because the rest of us love our cat so much and Will loves us.  Here Will is below, bringing Charlie in for some cuddles on a cold winter day.  Charlie enjoys our cuddles for a bit, but then wants back outside.  In Charlie's ideal world, we would live outside with him.  He really has no interest in being in the house.  We are looking forward to warmer days when we can at least spend our days outside with him!

In the meantime, we make it a point to get outside whenever the wind chill is above twenty degrees.  Here we are below on winter hikes with friends, sledding and snowman building.

Next month is traditionally the most difficult month for our family as we remember Luke's birthday.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we brave significant emotions and impatience for spring.

Violet at 9 Months

Violet has kept us entertained all month.  She loves to bounce up and down while kicking her legs when she is happy.  In the above picture, she is excited to be riding in the shopping cart for the first time.  Emma was a good sport, seeing as she was demoted from the front seat. Fortunately for all of us, Emma only has love for Violet.

Violet has tested our patience this month by the stuff she has gotten in to from splashing in the pee left in Emma's potty chair, to sucking on the toilet plunger (!).  Here she is below from the top left, in clockwise order: turning off the water to the toilet, stuck between the couches, destroying her big sisters' Lego creations, opening the cabinet door and discovering the kitchen garbage can, and eating crumbs under the dining room table.  We need to get back in the habit of keeping the bathroom doors closed as it seems most of Violet's trouble happens in the bathroom.

Her theme song is Taylor Swifts, "Trouble" and she starts bouncing and grinning when we sing, "I knew you were trouble when you walked in…"  To complicate things further, Violet can now pull herself to a standing position, bringing yet another level of discovery into her playing field and worry to mine.

Violet loves watching her sisters play, and when they include her, she can hardly contain her excitement.  Here she is below, taking a wagon ride and reading stories with her sisters.

Her sleep is still not great, but at this point in my motherhood career, I've given up trying to fix it and am focusing on the fact that she will eventually be past this phase.

Violet loves a little baby doll that Santa put in her stocking.  We have named the doll Rosie, and Violet carriers her everywhere with her and absolutely has to have her baby to sleep.

Violet may not be the best sleeper, but she has a great appetite.  She already seems to eat more than both of her older sisters combined and loves vegetables.  She doesn't care for fruits except prunes and absolutely loves the chicken and beef broths that I make for her.  She sits at the table so long sometimes that she has to rest her head on the table in between bites.  Usually I am the one ending mealtime because she can't keep her head up or I need to move on with the day.

Violet is definitely growing.  She measured in the 95% percentile for height and 50% for weight and head size at her nine month well check up so it's no wonder she is eating so well.  All of that eating leads to a lot of diaper changes.  She soaks her diapers so thoroughly that anything she is laying on or sitting on needs to be washed.  Here we are below getting an early morning sink bath because she soaked through her jammies, the bed and me when I unknowingly picked her up.  Violet does not like baths so I try to make them as quick as possible.

Violet gives great hugs, knows what she wants when she wants it (read: very persistent and will not be distracted), and doesn't stay upset for long - if she gets what she wants.  She loves playing peek-a-boo, dancing and jumping.

I love how wide her smile is while she squints her eyes shut.  I love snuggling with her and kissing her chubby cheeks.  I love all the baby sounds she makes, and how I am her number one, favorite person.  I am savoring these things with Violet, in between the craziness of taking care of my three girls.  Violet has now officially been a part of the outside world for as long as she was growing inside of me!  We love you Violet Rose!