Luke's 9th Birthday

Today we celebrated our firstborn's 9th birthday.  With each passing year it becomes harder to believe that it has been that long since we held our son last.

Over the past week, memories have been coming back to me of the time that we were told Luke had no heart beat, to two days later when Luke was born, and then his funeral a couple of days after that.

Losing Luke was the first time that my heart had been truly broken.  Having a heart that has been shattered so thoroughly is a very lonely experience.  I've realized after nine years that the entire month of February, but especially the week of the most significant dates of Luke's life and death, I need to baby myself and give myself time and space to feel all of the emotions and remember all of the details of Luke's time here, no matter how painful.  Sometimes the pain is actually welcome, as the intensity of it proves to me that Luke was in fact here.  I struggle with feelings of validity - how can I miss someone so badly, even when I only knew them for nine short months  - and those nine months I never even got to see his face or know his personality.  But it is there, the love for my boy, and a hole in my heart that nothing else could ever fill on this earth.

Fortunately, there were things that helped put a smile on my face this past week.  The pictures in clockwise order from top left below are of little gifts I received throughout the week, reminding me of Luke's presence still: The sun, coming through the yellow tulip stained glass windows in our living room, Will coming home with yellow tulips after a shopping trip with the girls, a Luke balloon at our friend's birthday party the day before Luke's birthday, and finally, letters arriving for all four of my children the day before Luke's birthday too.  What a gift it was to see all four of my kids names on envelopes in the mail - a completely random occurrence, and it brought a smile to my face.

Violet slept horribly the night before Luke's birthday, and so I woke up cranky.  We headed to the cemetery after a quick breakfast and put out a bag of tootsie rolls (a candy I craved when I was pregnant with Luke) and did a balloon release.  The balloons were given to us at a birthday party the night before, and really made it that more special to know that Luke was remembered.

The weather today on Luke's birthday was amazing.  Usually his birthday is one of the coldest and windiest days of the year and we can barely handle the time it takes to release the balloons at his grave because it is so cold.  Not today.  Today, it was a balmy 60 degrees and we laughed when we considered the fact that we could have had a picnic at the cemetery today!  We took our time, writing a note in Luke's birthday journal that we leave each year at the cemetery as well as watching our balloons float away, one at a time.

 We took our signature feet picture at Luke's headstone - one more way we have found to include Luke in our pictures.  And although his tiny footprints etched in stone will never grow larger like his sisters on this earth, it still is a comforting way to include him in our family.

 After the cemetery we headed to the bee property north of our house to check on my last remaining bee hive.  It was doing well in the warm weather, and it was nice that the weather was warm enough that I could include something I love - my bees - on a day that is so tough.

 We also went to a friend of mine's bee yard to see her bees that were doing well too and then headed to the library to pick up some items.  We took a walk around our neighborhood and even though it was past 5 o'clock when the cemetery by our house closes in the winter, it was still open and we enjoyed our walk through the beautiful pathways that we always leave feeling uplifted and happy from.  Once back home, Lucy hung a birdseed ornament outside in honor of Luke.

 The girls were supposed to have their swim class today, but Emma woke up with a fever so we canceled it.  Emma's energy didn't seem too dampened by her fever, but it did add to some of the crankiness that we experienced today.  I'd say all four of us girls had our turns with grumpiness although it was a good day overall.  Here Lucy is below making balloon animals with Will before dinner.

 I was going to make the cake while the kids were at swim lessons, but instead baked it while Will and the girls made balloon animals.  I made a banana cake with cream cheese frosting - a family favorite - and decorated it with chocolate chips.  I always choke up when we sing happy birthday to Luke, and the girls started to tease me for crying.

I think that is why I was borderline cranky all day.  The fact that my kids kept teasing me about crying throughout the day really started to wear on me, especially because it made me feel like I needed to hide my emotions.  I finally started to openly cry after dinner when Emma asked me why I was crying in all of the pictures with Luke from the day he was born.  We ended up having an emotional but needed conversation about dying and heaven and how it is not only okay to cry, but NOT something that you tease people about.

I explained to Emma that when a Mom and Dad have a baby, a piece of their heart is given to the baby and as long as the baby is there with them, we don't really mind that piece of our heart being gone.  When Luke was born, he took a piece of our hearts and it went with him to heaven.  Now we have a hole that hurts us and it won't feel better until we are all together in heaven.  Then I went on to say that when Lucy was born, and Emma, and Violet, a piece of my heart broke off and is now held inside of each of them.  But I am okay, because they are on earth with me and I get to see them grow, and learn, and play.  It is such a strange mix of happy and sad.  I am grateful to have my girls here with me, but will always miss Luke at the same time.  Plus, with all of my girls' usual neediness today - hunger, pee accidents, fighting, sickness, laundry, dishes, etc. - I couldn't help but wonder how Luke would have added to our family's dynamics.  Parenting children on earth is hard work, and I will never have the opportunity of losing my patience with Luke, or raising my voice out of frustration at him.  I will also never have the option of seeing his face light up from excitement, or smelling that heavenly scent of his hair after playing outside in the sunshine, or even just having him keep me up all night (although between his three sisters I do feel like I've stayed up all night enough for all four of my kids!).  And what I wouldn't do for some Luke snuggles!  Hugging my kids is my favorite parenting perk, and I really miss that opportunity with Luke.  This year, Will's Aunt Nancy is in heaven with Luke, and as a grandmother herself, I just know she is giving Luke some extra special hugs today.  Another birthday is now past, and we have made it through as a family of five on earth.  Thank you to my friends and family who have shown in their own ways that they love us, and that they hold space for us as we come through this emotional week.  Happy birthday Luke, we love you!

January

January was a relatively quiet month for us.  On New Year's Day we had our burning bowl ceremony that we usually do on New Year's Eve.  Because of Charlie's emergency trip to the vet, we missed out on our New Year's Eve tradition of burning up all of the things we wanted to let go of from 2016.  You better believe "Charlie getting attacked by other cats" was written onto a slip of paper, along with my friend's cancer, colitis, kidney stones, car accidents, and various things the girls wrote down as well.  And our burning bowl ceremony is more like a honey bee smoker ceremony, but it does the same job with the materials we have on hand.

The weather on New Year's day was mild enough that we enjoyed a walk, which is always a great way to start any new chapter.  Charlie was quarantined for 10 days in the upstairs of our garage and when he was finally allowed to go outside again, kept us at arm's length for several days.  We aren't sure if he was making us pay for locking him up for so long, or if he thought if we got to close to him, we would lock him up again.  Mid-January, Charlie came home smelling strongly of someone else's perfume.  I picked him up to check him out and he refused to look me in the eye.  He has since returned to his loving and devoted-to-us self, and we are letting the two-timing episode go on account of he was confused from his long confinement. 

 The girls went to a birthday party this past month for a friend of ours and they painted cats - and of course Lucy and Emma both painted portraits of their tabby cat Charlie.

 Violet came for the food and left the party with Will after she had eaten her fill.

We had a nice visit with Will's grandma this past month, Lucy learned how to make biscuits (my brother Joe's recipe!) with my mom, and we had a fun play date with friends of ours on a day they had off from school.

Before Will went back to work in the New Year, we took our annual trip to a town an hour north of us where we buy a Christmas ornament and enjoy a delicious chicken dinner, some sight-seeing and shopping.  This year we finally found a doll store complete with a baby doll nursery that several of our friends are always telling us about.  It was in the basement of one of the famous chicken dinner restaurants and it was all Will and I could do to get our kids to leave that store!

My roommate from college came to town and spent a weekend with us.  We had a lot of fun with her, and she taught us how to crochet which was priceless.  We visited the Fire & Ice Festival that our town puts on every winter, and were able to vaguely see the ice sculptures forms as they were melting fast and furious with the mild weather we were having.  The festival had to get creative since there was no snow for the giant snow lunge they usually have and it wasn't cold enough for ice skating.

On her last day in town, we went to a Coffee, Tea and Chocolate exhibit with my friend and Will's cousin at the Art Institute downtown.  That was a lot of fun, and of course finished off with some delicious Polish food from a restaurant downtown that we frequented a lot when we were in college.

 That weekend was the mildest weather we had all month and I was able to get into my beehives to see how they were making it through the winter.  Unfortunately, five out of my six hives were gone but the wild one I caught last May was still very much alive.  I moved some of the honey left from the empty hives into the hive that was alive and I really do hope that they will make it through the second half of the winter.  Below are pictures of Violet, upset and pouting because we wouldn't let her come outside while we cleaned up the hives with Charlie guarding nearby, and the mouse we discovered in one of my dead hives on the property north of us.  Charlie has ensured the hives at our house are never invaded by a mouse, but north of us the property is so large, that mice are an inevitable part of beekeeping.

That mild, warm weather didn't last long and we had several ice and snow days where Will was off, and we were all excited to have extra time with Will and snow to play in.  

On an ice day Will had off, we had fun taking the girls to see their first movie in a theater.  We watched Sing, and the entire family enjoyed it.  I was a little worried at the beginning when the previews were going and Violet was scared and crying that she wanted to go, but as soon as the movie came on, she settled in and thoroughly enjoyed the homemade popcorn, juice boxes and fruit snacks I had smuggled in.  Again, Violet may have just been there for the food!  I was so glad that their first movie was a good one though, and I hope that at least Lucy and Emma will remember the excitement of it all for years to come.  My kids are scared of most movies, so having a movie in the theater that they could handle was worth the wait.  Don't get me wrong, they are able to watch some movies at home because they can leave the room when it gets too intense for them, but that is harder at a theater with a giant screen and loud sounds.  Another day off that Will had we were able to all go to the Chiropractor's together where Will got to witness how our kids build forts and adjust their baby dolls with our chiropractor who always seems to love and appreciate them.  Afterwards, instead of going home like we usually do, we went out to lunch with Will.

We missed several different classes throughout the month because of the weather, but it did make for a more relaxing month with the unexpected breaks from commitments.  Here the kids are below in clockwise order from top left: At a nature hike with friends, on the hike, the girls doing Geography on my bed while I practiced my new crochet skills in the rocking chair, putting together a puzzle with Emma and Violet while we waited for Lucy who was in vision therapy, and the center picture is of Lucy and Emma at their piano lesson.

Mondays are the busiest day of the week for us, with vision therapy, chiropractor appointments and dance, while trying to fit their school for the day in there too.  There is no downtime for me.  This is the perfect day for a crock pot meal, and you can imagine my disappointment when Will sent me this text while the girls and I were at dance class:

On a good Monday, Will gets home from work early enough to take the girls to dance.  When that happens I get a little breather from our busy schedule and can make dinner and catch up on computer work.  I was smiling so big when Will sent me this text while he and Violet shopped at the Salvation Army while Lucy and Emma were at dance:

Will found the mother load of Barbie clothes, and at a dollar a piece, he and Violet had fun picking out outfits to share with Lucy and Emma.  Will came home and told me that he made sure to buy all of the professional outfits that fit Ken, as he wants his girls to know that they should look for a guy with a job.  I thought that was funny, and now the girls have more than surfer shorts and tuxedos for their Ken dolls.  He also picked out some really classy Barbie outfits, per my request.

Will would do anything for the girls and most of the time I feel like I am the mean parent because of it.  It doesn't help that I am with them all day, every day so that when Will is home, he is exciting and new.  He is a lot of fun to climb on, dance with, play games, and watch movies together.  Will finds most any kid movie entertaining where as I can only stomach certain ones and it takes a lot for me to sit on the couch during their one hour of tv time a day - it is the best hour of the day for me to get something efficiently done with minimal interruptions.  It's actually how I am writing this blog post right now!

In an effort to show the girls that the world does not revolve around them, I was excited when our church put on another service day for families this past month.  My kids loved helping and feeling like what they did matters, and I loved being able to have something that contributes to those in need that my entire family can participate in.  My church does a wonderful job of this and we are so grateful!  Here we are below, at the service day our church hosted.  We packed snack bags, lunch bags, put Bible verses on tissue packs and chapstick tubes and colored pictures for kids in need. There were other activities to participate in as well, but they were more appropriate for older kids.  Someday though, my kids will be able to make scarves and blankets,  and write letters to people in prison or in the hospital. 

We are now into February, and already we can see the light changing and the days getting longer as we get closer and closer to spring.  February is an emotional month for us as we remember Luke and honor his life on the significant dates of when we were told there was no heart beat, the day he was born, and the day we buried him.  The girls are excited to celebrate his birthday, and I am thankful that he has three little sisters on earth that share the connection between earth and heaven that Will and I feel so strongly.  It is hard sometimes when the world has moved on and there is no physical reminders left of our first born who we love so much.

Above are pictures of Luke's little sisters, who think that snow angels are how you play in the snow with your brother who is in heaven.  

Violet at 33 Months

Violet continues to bring cuteness and laughter to our family.  Our youngest daughter can be sweet, if she wants to, but she excels at being sassy and definitely knows what she does and doesn't want.  I have to constantly dilute her demands with reminders of saying "please" and "thank you".  She will then rephrase her request with, "Mom get me milk please and thank you."  She may have a lot of needs, but she does love to help as well.  Here she is below, earning her keep by helping me in the kitchen.

 Violet loves to play with Will or I, and sometimes can get Emma to play with her too, until Lucy convinces Emma to play with her instead.  Here Violet is below, in various stages of play in clockwise order from the top left: Violet loves playing with Play Doh and figured out how to roll balls out of the dough, Violet playing a linking game with me, Violet on top of her dresser playing with her doll early one morning, Violet playing the linking game, and Violet holding her baby doll named Annie (but also sometimes named Brady, depending on what real life baby we have just spent time with).

 Violet has a clothes source from someone other than her older sisters and always feels special when my friend drops off clothes that her daughter has outgrown.  This month Violet got a pair of pretty purple snow pants that fit her better than the hand me downs she was wearing and actually match her winter jacket too!  Violet was so excited for the snow pants that she asked me to take a picture of her wearing them.

 Besides having to deal with recycled styles from not one but two older sisters, she also does a lot of waiting while her older sisters are in classes.  Violet is just happy to be with us though, and we sure find ways to have fun while we wait.  In the below left hand picture Violet is pulling a doll around the Salvation Army while her sisters are in dance class.  In the right hand picture below, Violet is proudly showing off her picture in the newspaper, which was taken at the nature center when we were waiting for Lucy and Emma who were in a class there.  Waiting has it's perks, and Violet and I do enjoy our one on one time together.

 Violet is very excited to begin her first dance class in the fall and talks about how she will be in the Pre-Dance class at the studio where Lucy and Emma take classes.  The other day Lucy asked me how Violet will be able to have her hair up in a bun for class since it is still so short.  Violet overheard Lucy's question, and told us, "My hair is growing as long as Rapunzel's hair!  Soon it will be growing all the way to my butt hole!"  At which point Emma informed Violet, "you crossed the line Violet."  I about fell out of my chair at the word "hole" but to hear Emma inform Violet that she had crossed the line in acceptable things to say was the icing on the hilarious cake for me.  Here Violet is below, getting her hair cut from Will's cousin.

I am still number one in Violet's book and am loving every moment of that title. I know that she will outgrow me as her favorite person soon enough, and so I cherish it more than I can say.  Violet also knows that her affection makes me happy.  The other day Will was working late and I realized that dinner was late to be made and the house was trashed.  I sat down on the couch feeling overwhelmed and sighed, saying that the house was a disaster.  Violet came over to me, climbed up into my lap and laid her head on my shoulder.  I asked her if she was tired (feeling even more guilty that dinner was going to be late) and she said, "No, I am making mama happy."  Surprised, I asked her, "You came over to snuggle me because you knew I was feeling tired?"  She smiled at me and said "yes, I know how to make you happy mama!"  Oh Violet, yes you do!

In fact, Violet knows how to make each of us happy and is always finding ways to do that.  Usually she is telling Lucy and Emma that she will give them something for their birthday when they are feeling sad.  And for Will, she goes over to him and scratches his back.  She has also been known to come over to me and rub my back with a foam roller if I mention that I have a headache.  Our little sweetie knows she is loved, and we also bask in the fact that she loves us fiercely back.

December 2016

December was an incredibly busy month.  Every year I put a note in the Christmas decoration bin so that when I open it up next December, I will be reminded of things that worked and things that didn't work.  A long-standing note that I continue to agree with every year is to not make Christmas cookies.  I love baking, and bake all year long so for this chapter of my life, it just doesn't make sense to add that to our already full schedule.  Someday I hope to bake more around the holidays, but I'm thinking it will be several years out still.  We did manage to make meatballs in bulk on New Year's Eve for part of our New Year's Eve dinner, and I made chocolate chip cookie bars for Santa (a nice, quick and easy cookie as no time is spent forming cookies - you just pour it into the pan, bake and tastes exactly the same!)  Will also surprised me one night and made rice crispy treats with the kids.  I was busy making items to sell for the holidays for Harding Honey and so there was still plenty of time spent in the kitchen.  We also got our annual order of a 1/4 of a cow delivered for our freezer and scrambled to make room for that.  We know the farmer, and watch in amazement every year as this tiny woman backs up her trailer into our long driveway with no problem and hops out and lifts the heavy boxes like they are nothing.  The first time the cattle trailer backed into our driveway, a neighbor came outside, worried that we were adding more livestock to our backyard.  We watched this same neighbor get hooked up to city water and a new roof this past month, which provided lots of interesting things to watch outside of our windows.

Last year I wrote a note saying that it could be a good idea to take a longer break from homeschooling to be able to pull off all of the holiday traditions and festivities.  I couldn't bring myself to get behind on our school schedule, but I did make sure to not include any new projects or introduce any new topics.  I think next year I really do need to try and scale it back even more.  Part of homeschooling is involving my kids in real life activities and being involved in gifts, cards, cooking and holiday parties IS learning.  I did get creative to keep my exercise routine going despite our busy schedule though and I am continuing it now that the holidays are over - spelling, handwriting and some reading are the perfect topics to accomplish next to me while I am on the elliptical in our basement!  AND - if you get up too early, as my kids tend to do - the new rule is we start school straight away.  As you can see in the bottom left hand picture below, Violet yawning in the background while her sisters work on their school and I burn calories on the elliptical.  One morning we finished school before breakfast so I treated them to breakfast at the cider mill (top middle picture).  It was too cold to eat outside, so we enjoyed our cider and donuts in the car.  In the top right hand picture below, the girls are enjoying art class and in the bottom right hand picture below, I am enjoying a hike with Violet and a friend while our kids were in a class at the nature center.

In the pictures below in clockwise order from top left: Lucy and a classmate doing yoga, Violet trying out a yoga pose at home, Lucy doing the same yoga pose at home, Emma doing a handstand at yoga, Lucy and Emma at art class, Lucy working hard on her print making during art class, a line up of the prints made in art class, some socializing after art class, and finally, Emma and a classmate doing yoga.  Not pictured was time spent in swim class, dance class, catechism, vision therapy and piano lessons!

We saw lots of friends this past month, and in clockwise order from top left: a friend's birthday party, a winter solstice celebration that was an absolutely lovely way to begin our winter, friends taking a brownie break in between putting on a show for us, Lucy with friends after watching one of the sisters ice skate performance, Emma and Violet cuddling our friends' baby, a friend making us lunch, and finally, Lucy and Emma with a friend, watching the ice skating show.

Lucy and Emma had their holiday dance recital this past month, and danced to It's a Small World.  They did an excellent job, and much fun was had by all.  In clockwise order from top left below: Lucy, Emma and Violet with their babysitter who also danced in the recital, Lucy and Emma with their classmates before the recital, Lucy and Emma with their beloved dance teacher after the recital, Emma representing Egypt, Lucy and Emma's cheering team for the recital, and Lucy representing Spain.  In the center pictures below are the girls coloring with the fellow dancers while waiting for their turn to go on stage, and Lucy and Emma with their friends who also danced in the recital.

We also enjoyed a St. Nick party at our church this past month which is always a good time.  The girls get a chance to tell St. Nick what they would like for Christmas and Lucy told him a heart locket and a snow globe, Emma asked for a surprise, and Violet held tightly onto me while she bravely told him she would like a chocolate Santa.  Violet is not a fan of Santa, and so we talked about our meeting him in advance, and she told me she wanted to tell him what she wanted for Christmas, but didn't want to sit on his lap.  I agreed to hold her while she told him what she wanted.  I was so proud of her bravery as she held tightly to me and spoke clearly to him.

I felt like we were barely home this past month, but when we were the girls enjoyed fort making and bead art.

There was of course plenty of Lego play, reading stories and general sister annoyances.  In the center picture below, we drove to a family holiday party about 25 minutes away.  When we arrived and I opened Lucy's car door, she had decorative tape all set up on her door and a mini craft studio going.  I couldn't help but laugh, but geez - it took almost five minutes for her to clean up enough so that she could get out of the car.  That sums Lucy up though - using every spare moment to let her creativity flow and her uncanny ability to make any little space her own.

Emma lost her first tooth this past month and was super excited until she realized that the gap left by the missing tooth was bleeding.  She did NOT like that, and in the top, left hand picture below, Violet was just as disturbed.  Once the bleeding stopped, Emma was all smiles though.  In the top, right hand picture below is Emma at a hearing test.  She needed a recheck from her five year well checkup and we finally got around to having it done.  She passed no problem, which was great news.  Our Emma seems to have entered a new phase of her personality though, and I swear it began when she lost her tooth.  Our sweet and easy-going child has become somewhat of a trouble maker, and enjoys annoying her sisters for attention, not caring that it is negative attention.  The bottom right hand picture below showcases the piece of gum she got in her hair and then made worse because she tried getting it out herself.  I used peanut butter to get the gum out, but had to fight the urge to just cut off that piece of hair as earlier that same day...

...I was trying to get the girls ready for a mini holiday dance recital at our local senior citizen community center when I found a pile of hair in the garbage can in my office.  I called all three girls into the office and asked whose hair it was.  Lucy immediately started acting dramatic and shocked and so I pegged it for her right away.  Emma stood there, saying nothing.  Violet came in shortly after I was about to launch into Lucy about her being old enough to know better.  Violet then announced, "It's ME HAIR!"  Sure enough, there was the missing chunk on the side of her head.  This made me so sad, as Violet is already hair challenged, and for that much to be just cut carelessly off, really made my heart sink.  So I started lecturing Violet about how she is too young to use scissors and from here on out the scissors will be off-limits for her unless I am with her.  I also reminded her that scissors are for paper and that only certain people are skilled enough to cut hair - and that does not include any of us!  Flash forward a couple of hours, and I am showing a friend of mine the side of Violet's head while we wait for Lucy and Emma to come on stage for their dance recital.  I told Violet, "Tell Ms. Bonnie what happened to your hair today."  And Violet responded, "Emma cut my hair!"  Picture me, seeing Emma's sweet, smiling face on stage moments later as I try to process exactly how and what will be done when she gets off that stage!  To me, the worst part is that she had no remorse about her little sister taking the blame.  We had a conversation about bravery, and how it is always better in the long run to be brave FIRST and to tell the truth, as scary as it can be.  Emma's consequences lasted for several days and were much worse than if she had been brave FIRST.

My sister was in town from the east coast for the holidays, and got here in time to join us for our yearly tradition of decorating Luke's grave blanket.  This year we made sleds out of Popsicle sticks.

The girls helped stuff, stamp, seal and mail our Christmas cards and we also continued a tradition we started last year of taking each sister out shopping individually to get gifts for the family.  I had the fun and fortune of taking Lucy and Emma out and I loved seeing the differences of their shopping styles.  When Emma and I went shopping, she had a plan and was a girl on a mission.  Each time I paused from the mission to browse at something shiny that caught my eye she would tell me, "Mom, I can tell you are really in to that, but let's go!"  A couple of days later, Lucy and I went shopping and I realized that Lucy and I shop the exact same way.  We ran super late from too much browsing, and then had to go back out again another day as one of the places on our list closed before we got there.  Shiny objects were our undoing apparently and we had no one to keep us on track!

Will took Violet shopping, and her style was that she picked out something for everyone, including herself.  The best was when Will helped her wrap it, and she had him write on the gift, To Violet, From Violet.  And man, did she love those chocolate whoppers she got herself!  I did most of my shopping online, and was a little worried when all of the packages seemed to arrive on the exact same day.  I thought it would be better to just let Will know (I was being brave!) in a text so that he wasn't so shocked (and I didn't have to feel like I was hiding anything) when he came home.  What did spouses do before texting?  It is such a great way to let someone in easy on a piece of news.  Every year Will makes something with wood for the girls' Christmas present from him.  This year he made doll high chairs and they turned out great.  I sewed little cushions for the chairs as my contribution.

Lucy performed in our church's Christmas pageant and was so excited when she was given the role of Head Angel.  Will and I had a laugh in the pew as we watched our girl smiling so big that it made the shepards around her uncomfortable.  They kept stealing surprised glances at Lucy's big grin and Will and I pictured them wondering why someone would happily participate in this willingly, without the pressure of their moms making them.  Our angel definitely shown brightly, and confirmed what Will and I have already suspected - she was made for the stage!

Christmas Eve mass is one of my favorite celebrations of the entire year.  And, because of Lucy's role in the pageant, it was the first year we got an actual seat.  It was a lovely, quiet evening and such a wonderful part of what makes Christmas Eve so special to me.  It is a sweet pause in such a busy time where I can just bask in the beauty of my family and be surrounded by beautiful music, twinkling lights and an atmosphere of love and anticipation.  We arrived about an hour before the service started so that Lucy could get dressed and ready for the pageant.  I had brought a bag of Christmas books to read to Emma and Violet in the pew, which is a special, hushed experience as well.  I am a little sad that I had no tangible connection to Luke this Christmas but as always we included him in our Christmas card.  See below, my little stacking dolls.  Some people wondered if it was a pregnancy announcement or if the tallest stacking doll was me, but it is in fact Luke with his three sisters and my dear friend designed it for me.

Every year we place baby Jesus in the empty manger in the center of our Advent Wreath and then Santa leaves chocolates and candies in dishes around our display.  This year, Santa left a tiny angel among the candies and Lucy is certain this was Luke's gift to us this year.  I did notice that our traditional picture at the top of the stairs on Christmas morning before we head down to see what magic Santa left us included the cross with Luke's name on it in the background.  See bottom, left hand picture below.  Lucy also held tightly to her Luke Duck, which is one of three stuffed animals we got at Luke's baby shower (and as it turns out one for each of his sisters - a duck, a teddy bear and a hippo) and was Lucy's way of having Luke be a part of our Christmas day festivities.

The girls were so excited about all of their presents.  They were surprised and happy with the doll high chairs and Santa brought them exactly what they had asked for.  Once Violet unwrapped her giant chocolate Santa, she sat contentedly eating it as the happy chaos swirled around her.  Emma's surprise from Santa was a marble maze and Lucy was pleased to see that her snow globe had an angel in it which she told us she had secretly hoped for.  She will be putting a picture of Will and her Godmother, Aunt Jane into her locket.  I am okay with my sister's picture instead of mine in that locket, but believe me when I say if she had chosen anyone else I would have been hurt!

The girls got Calico Critter triple bunk beads from Santa, new quilts for their beds from me, books and movies, new matching pajamas, swimsuits, and Violet got a baby doll carrier and her very own yoga mat from Santa as well.

I guess Violet gets her shopping traits from me, as I bought myself two things and put them under the tree for myself as well - seeds for the garden and a stainless steel water bottle - both bought when I was buying seeds and a water bottle for Will.  Will got me a real, Russian Stacking Doll and a highlight of Will's gifts were a package of Hershey Kisses and Hugs from Emma because Will is always telling her that all he wants for Christmas are kisses and hugs.

Charlie was fed wet cat food on the porch, and we left the front door open so that he could be a part of our holiday without making me sneeze.  We had a lovely, relaxing day and I enjoyed looking up my essential oils that Will got me while sipping hot tea next to my salt lamp while Will worked on the scratch off lotto tickets that he got.  We took a walk and dropped off little homemade gifts to some of our neighbors and the girls played with their presents.  It was the first holiday in a while where the girls didn't get big Lego sets.  Will and I have always loved how the Lego set building keeps them happy and occupied for hours and were a bit nervous this holiday that we would be missing that.  Will ended up buying them a bunch of specialty piece Legos including Lego instruments - think tiny guitars, saxophones, microphones, etc. and little treasure chests, ladders, unique hair for their Lego people and he even did the same with Duplos for Violet - a teapot, a little girl, a bed, etc.  This was almost as good as getting a new set and kept them happily occupied too.

Later that day we went to my parents house where I discovered that my sister's text earlier in the week asking "can you do potatoes" meant, can you bring them to Christmas, and not, can you eat them.  And so my parents frantically peeled up some potatoes they had on hand and I tried not to be too embarrassed as the memory of bring an empty pie shell to Thanksgiving was still weighing on me.  We enjoyed Christmas with Will's family earlier that week as well as a Christmas party on my dad's side of the family where we lined up the great grandkids for a picture.  We had lunch out with my brother after Christmas and then on New Years Eve enjoyed lunch with Will's dad's side of the family.

After our New Year's eve luncheon with family we headed home for our own little New Year's Eve party.  We usually play games, watch a movie and have a picnic dinner of appetizers in the living room.  Things started off great, as Violet even took a nap on the way home from the family luncheon party, buying us more time that evening of her being happy and not cranky.  We had a lovely picnic and enjoyed a movie and then decided to bring Charlie in for a little bit before we played games.  It was at this point that we realized Charlie had a wound on his shoulder and we needed to get him to the vet as soon as possible.  

I spent the last couple of hours of 2016 with Charlie at the Emergency Vet in town and thankfully had my sister-in-law who is a vet in Florida on stand-by so that at least I knew the vet who looked to be no more than 18 years old was doing right by Charlie.  He ended up needing extensive surgery as the wound was a cat bite and had festered and created an infection that wrapped around his shoulder muscle and went down into his leg.  Thank God we got him in and they were able to fix him up.  Our sweet and loving cat purred the entire time and was a very good patient.  The ten days after when we had to lock him in the garage until the drainage tube, sutures and cone of shame came off of his head were another story though.  He wanted out so badly and by the time the ten days were up, the upstairs of our garage only needed some strewn red solo cups to make you think a ten day frat party had just played out.  Spilled liquids, dumped boxes and buckets, kitty litter everywhere... I would like to say some of the mess was because Charlie was clumsy with the cone on his head, but we could hear him throwing fits to get out whenever he heard us below him in the garage.  We made sure to visit him often throughout the day, but as the days went on it became harder and harder to leave without him escaping.

2016 ended with a bang, that is for sure.  Two days before Christmas, Will had taken one for the team when Violet got up before the sun and he took her shopping so the rest of us could sleep.  I got a call around 8 am when his car wouldn't start and he and Violet were stranded in the grocery store parking lot.  We picked them up and over $600 dollars and a couple of days later our car was fixed.  Will also washed two weeks of dress clothes - which is all of the dress clothes that he owns - with two pens.  He found a pen after he pulled them out of the washer and threw it in the garbage and then his unmarked clothes in the dryer.  When the dryer had finished, he was shocked to see that some kind of twisted blue ink spin art had taken place and ALL of his clothes were covered in blue ink.  There was a second pen in one of his pockets apparently and we found it broken and still leaking ink in the dryer.  Thank God for Pinterest, as I found that rubbing alcohol takes ink out of fabric and then, thank God for Costco, as it took a full bottle of rubbing alcohol for each shirt and pair of pants to soak in for about a half hour.  It worked, and it was under $4 for a pack of two bottles of rubbing alcohol which is cheap compared to buying an entirely new wardrobe.  I was a little self-conscious when all six two-packs of rubbing alcohol were on the belt at Costco, but the cashier didn't seem phased.

The day after Christmas Will had his annual kidney x-ray to monitor him for kidney stones.  He has passed about 12 so far in his lifetime, and we believe they all came about when he was sick with colitis in his early twenties.  We were so excited when a couple of years ago he was finally down to only one stone, and it was low enough in his kidney that the doctors were pretty sure that it wasn't going anywhere.  Imagine our shock when his x-ray this past month revealed seven new stones of decent sizes.  It was so disappointing to see, and especially since we know the pain and suffering involved in just one kidney stone.  We are fairly certain that his latest bout with colitis has brought on the seven new stones but it does seem so unfair that three months of colitis equals seven stones when he had colitis for about five years last time and got twelve stones.  After talking over his options with his urologist, we have decided to proactively tackle the biggest two stones with outpatient procedures to break them up rather than wait for the stones to start moving on their own causing all sorts of damage.

2016 definitely did not go easy on us, but I will not say that it was a terrible year.  How can I, when I got to celebrate my babies turning 8, 7, 5 and 2 while watching my three youngest children grow, learn, laugh and love?  And I was able to spend another year of growing, loving and laughing with the love of my life, Will.  My little family is so incredibly blessed and 2016 only served to bring us closer together and to help us not take a single day with each other for granted.  Our lives are not perfect, and the challenges sometimes can seem so exhausting but there is always hope to be found and I have been given a life in which I can't help but be so very grateful.  I can honestly say that there is no place I would rather be, and I am ready for 2017.  Bring it on!