Today we celebrated our firstborn's 9th birthday. With each passing year it becomes harder to believe that it has been that long since we held our son last.
Over the past week, memories have been coming back to me of the time that we were told Luke had no heart beat, to two days later when Luke was born, and then his funeral a couple of days after that.
Losing Luke was the first time that my heart had been truly broken. Having a heart that has been shattered so thoroughly is a very lonely experience. I've realized after nine years that the entire month of February, but especially the week of the most significant dates of Luke's life and death, I need to baby myself and give myself time and space to feel all of the emotions and remember all of the details of Luke's time here, no matter how painful. Sometimes the pain is actually welcome, as the intensity of it proves to me that Luke was in fact here. I struggle with feelings of validity - how can I miss someone so badly, even when I only knew them for nine short months - and those nine months I never even got to see his face or know his personality. But it is there, the love for my boy, and a hole in my heart that nothing else could ever fill on this earth.
Fortunately, there were things that helped put a smile on my face this past week. The pictures in clockwise order from top left below are of little gifts I received throughout the week, reminding me of Luke's presence still: The sun, coming through the yellow tulip stained glass windows in our living room, Will coming home with yellow tulips after a shopping trip with the girls, a Luke balloon at our friend's birthday party the day before Luke's birthday, and finally, letters arriving for all four of my children the day before Luke's birthday too. What a gift it was to see all four of my kids names on envelopes in the mail - a completely random occurrence, and it brought a smile to my face.
Violet slept horribly the night before Luke's birthday, and so I woke up cranky. We headed to the cemetery after a quick breakfast and put out a bag of tootsie rolls (a candy I craved when I was pregnant with Luke) and did a balloon release. The balloons were given to us at a birthday party the night before, and really made it that more special to know that Luke was remembered.
The weather today on Luke's birthday was amazing. Usually his birthday is one of the coldest and windiest days of the year and we can barely handle the time it takes to release the balloons at his grave because it is so cold. Not today. Today, it was a balmy 60 degrees and we laughed when we considered the fact that we could have had a picnic at the cemetery today! We took our time, writing a note in Luke's birthday journal that we leave each year at the cemetery as well as watching our balloons float away, one at a time.
We took our signature feet picture at Luke's headstone - one more way we have found to include Luke in our pictures. And although his tiny footprints etched in stone will never grow larger like his sisters on this earth, it still is a comforting way to include him in our family.
After the cemetery we headed to the bee property north of our house to check on my last remaining bee hive. It was doing well in the warm weather, and it was nice that the weather was warm enough that I could include something I love - my bees - on a day that is so tough.
We also went to a friend of mine's bee yard to see her bees that were doing well too and then headed to the library to pick up some items. We took a walk around our neighborhood and even though it was past 5 o'clock when the cemetery by our house closes in the winter, it was still open and we enjoyed our walk through the beautiful pathways that we always leave feeling uplifted and happy from. Once back home, Lucy hung a birdseed ornament outside in honor of Luke.
The girls were supposed to have their swim class today, but Emma woke up with a fever so we canceled it. Emma's energy didn't seem too dampened by her fever, but it did add to some of the crankiness that we experienced today. I'd say all four of us girls had our turns with grumpiness although it was a good day overall. Here Lucy is below making balloon animals with Will before dinner.
I was going to make the cake while the kids were at swim lessons, but instead baked it while Will and the girls made balloon animals. I made a banana cake with cream cheese frosting - a family favorite - and decorated it with chocolate chips. I always choke up when we sing happy birthday to Luke, and the girls started to tease me for crying.
I think that is why I was borderline cranky all day. The fact that my kids kept teasing me about crying throughout the day really started to wear on me, especially because it made me feel like I needed to hide my emotions. I finally started to openly cry after dinner when Emma asked me why I was crying in all of the pictures with Luke from the day he was born. We ended up having an emotional but needed conversation about dying and heaven and how it is not only okay to cry, but NOT something that you tease people about.
I explained to Emma that when a Mom and Dad have a baby, a piece of their heart is given to the baby and as long as the baby is there with them, we don't really mind that piece of our heart being gone. When Luke was born, he took a piece of our hearts and it went with him to heaven. Now we have a hole that hurts us and it won't feel better until we are all together in heaven. Then I went on to say that when Lucy was born, and Emma, and Violet, a piece of my heart broke off and is now held inside of each of them. But I am okay, because they are on earth with me and I get to see them grow, and learn, and play. It is such a strange mix of happy and sad. I am grateful to have my girls here with me, but will always miss Luke at the same time. Plus, with all of my girls' usual neediness today - hunger, pee accidents, fighting, sickness, laundry, dishes, etc. - I couldn't help but wonder how Luke would have added to our family's dynamics. Parenting children on earth is hard work, and I will never have the opportunity of losing my patience with Luke, or raising my voice out of frustration at him. I will also never have the option of seeing his face light up from excitement, or smelling that heavenly scent of his hair after playing outside in the sunshine, or even just having him keep me up all night (although between his three sisters I do feel like I've stayed up all night enough for all four of my kids!). And what I wouldn't do for some Luke snuggles! Hugging my kids is my favorite parenting perk, and I really miss that opportunity with Luke. This year, Will's Aunt Nancy is in heaven with Luke, and as a grandmother herself, I just know she is giving Luke some extra special hugs today. Another birthday is now past, and we have made it through as a family of five on earth. Thank you to my friends and family who have shown in their own ways that they love us, and that they hold space for us as we come through this emotional week. Happy birthday Luke, we love you!
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