Preparing for Emma

Let's hope Emma's arrival isn't as overdue as this post about our sweet third child. As of today, we have less than a month until Emma's birthday! This stat fills my heart with excitement and yet makes my palms sweat with anxiety. On one hand, we cannot wait to feel the weight and warmth of Emma in our arms, and see two of our children together on earth. The moment when Emma and Lucy meet is something I dream about like a girl dreams of her wedding day. I really just can't wait to see my children together. But then there is the giant worry of integrating all of the tasks that another small person in our household will bring and wondering if I will be able to juggle it all. As with any life change, there is a period of adjustment or a learning curve, and I am anxious for that learning curve to begin, so that I can settle into life as normal again. Lucy and I have a good groove going right now, and I know I will miss the one on one time with Lucy as my baby.

I read a great piece of advice in a book the other day that made me feel like both Lucy and Emma will be okay sharing their mom and dad. Harvey Karp of the Happiest Baby on the Block books states that "sure, your older [child] got more attention from you, but what your new one doesn't get from you, [s]he will receive five times over from your older child. No one else will make your baby laugh or learn as much as [her] older sibling... A first child lives in an adult world, but a second child lives in a child's world. After you have two, they mostly just keep you around to provide them with a steady supply of love, kisses - and hot food!" I would be okay with that!

Because our family has a child in heaven, Will and I have felt like Lucy has missed out on having a sibling pretty much from the day we brought her home from the hospital. I am so glad that we have been blessed with Emma, and that Lucy and Emma get to experience the joys (and trials!) of siblinghood together. Siblings are our oldest friends. No one else understands us quite like our siblings who were raised right along with us and share the most common experiences, memories and genes! A friend pointed out to me that until they hit about 18 years of age though, it will be a constant battle of rivalry and keeping them from poking each other's eyes out. I say with every challenge overcome, there is great reward and it is our hope that Lucy and Emma will be each other's life long friends. To me, there is no better preparation for the real world than learning human relations from your siblings.

With that said, I have been documenting with pictures all of the preparations we have been making for little Emma. Sure, these preparations are no hand-knit sweaters, hats, booties and bears like I had the luxury of making while awaiting Lucy's arrival, but they were done with just as much love and meaning as the different preparations we made for Lucy.

To start off with, I have craved less with Emma than I did with Luke and Lucy. This is a good thing, as it has helped me to watch the weight gain a little bit better this time. The cravings have also been less weird, and in more moderation. Favorites of Emma's seem to be pineapple, Mediterranean food, Coke, Breyer's raspberry chocolate chip ice cream (yes, that specific!) and BACON. Lots and lots of bacon. And it has to be a certain very expensive, high-quality brand, and it only tastes good if Will makes it. A different brand or prepared by someone else is enough to make me gag. Will has surprised me on several occasions by getting up early and making me a pile of crisp bacon before he leaves for work in the morning. This is no small feat on his part, since he leaves around 6 a.m. Yup, Will not only brings home the bacon, he crisps it to perfection as well!

I have also not been as absent minded with this pregnancy either, although I am starting to wonder if it is all relative and at this point I don't even realize I am not as sharp as I used to be. Probably the most entertaining thing I've done with Emma induced pregnancy-brain is still mild compared to some of the things I did while pregnant with Luke and Lucy. We have a small dish soap bottle we keep on top of our kitchen counter, and a giant Sam's Club refill bottle we keep under the sink. It takes forever to refill the little bottle, so I had the brilliant idea to prop up the refill bottle on top of the small bottle and come back in a couple of minutes. After rigging up this ingenious time saving system I left the room and the project left my mind. Later that evening I returned to the kitchen - probably to get a bowl of Breyer's raspberry chocolate chip ice cream - and found this:

The dark colored granite counter top makes it difficult to see that there is an entire super-sized bottle of dish soap all over the counter, down the cabinets and onto the floor. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to wipe up pure, concentrated dish soap? I think I ended up having to use an entire roll of paper towel because rinsing out the dish rag was near impossible and I felt like I was reenacting an episode of I Love Lucy with the amount of bubbles it created.

Speaking of Lucy, my Lucy has really bonded with Emma throughout this pregnancy. I guess this only makes sense, as Lucy knew her baby sister's name before Will and I did. We bring her to every doctor appointment for Emma, and Lucy excitedly listens to Emma's heartbeat and watches the doctor measure my stomach. One day Lucy found a pedometer and put it on my stomach, then took a Kleenex and wiped where the pedometer was. I didn't realize what she was doing until she ran into the other room and came back with a metal tape measure of Will's and proceeded to measure my stomach with it. The pedometer was the heartbeat monitor! She tells Emma every morning, "MORNING TIME EMMA! WAKE UP!" and then talks to her in a language I do not understand but am guessing that Emma understands every word of it. Lucy also will impatiently yell "OUT, EMMA, OUT!" and firmly believes that Emma can see the world through my belly button. I hardly notice now when Lucy lifts my shirt and points my stomach in the direction of whatever it is that Lucy feels Emma should see. It is still kind of embarrassing when she tries this in public though. Here Lucy is below hugging Emma.

Lucy also talks about when Emma is born how she will hold her on the boppy pillow, and how Emma will cry. Lucy was very attached to her boppy and so a couple of months ago we told Lucy she could go to the store with us to pick out a boppy for Emma. She was extremely proud to do this, and talked about it for days. After picking out a new boppy for Emma, she decided that she was done with her boppy and has used Emma's ever since for playing and sits on it when we rock her before naps and bedtime. I am assuming Emma will be using Lucy's old boppy - or worse yet, none at all at this point! Here Lucy is below, practicing how she will hold Emma on her new boppy.

Part of our preparing for Emma's arrival involved a new found determination to tackle several items still on our to-do list from our move into our house a year ago now. One of the things we loved about our house when we found it was the fact that it had walk-in closets that were freshly painted and spacious, but didn't have any shelves or rods. Before moving in, I thought this was a former organizing professional's dream come true. They were a blank slate and I could turn them into whatever I dreamed up. Upon moving in, I found that it was impossible to unpack any boxes because most of what you box up and move is kept in closets on shelves and hanging from rods! Since there was a million more important things to do when we moved in, we designed and built the master bedroom closet and stacked boxes in all of the rest. Emma's room was the only closet in the house that had been left with shelves and rods, so we hung everything else from winter coats to formal wear in her closet. Not to mention that Emma's room was then turned into a giant walk-in closet for all of the boxes we just had no idea what to do with. So, to empty out Emma's room and closet, it caused a chain reaction through the rest of the house - we began by building the closet in the living room to get the winter coats out of Emma's closet. From there, we moved on to the office closet which needed a caution sign hanging from it as random objects would fall on you anytime you opened the door. Once that was built and organized to my heart's content we moved on to Lucy's closet. Here Will is below in Lucy's closet. Seconds before the picture was taken, he narrowly missed losing an eye to a closet rod wielding toddler.

And then finally we were able to walk into Emma's room without stubbing our toes, and assess it as a future nursery. It was at this point we determined that the room was better suited as a giant walk-in closet than a bedroom. To save on space and to avoid having to guide the door between the blades on the ceiling fan every time we wanted to open or close it (yes, the room is that small), we decided to install a pocket door. This was a great idea in theory, although while the wall was torn out we encountered more than a few surprises and a ton of dust. Perhaps the most stressful part of the whole thing was that half the upstairs was veiled in plastic only days before Christmas, while our Christmas decorations on the main floor were covered with a fine sprinkling of white plaster and drywall dust that I could only wish would melt away in the spring like snow. Here is the wall, pre-demolition.The wall post-demolition:And finally, the finished door pre-paint and pre-clean-up. Now that it is finished, it was a great idea, and I am so glad we (Will) did it. It makes the room seem so much bigger and is more space efficient. Not to mention we don't have to worry any more about leaving the ceiling fan on when we open or close the door because the truth of the matter is, if Will and I couldn't remember to turn the fan off before we exited or entered the room, how could we expect our toddler to remember or better yet, care!?!

Once the door was installed, the real fun began. We picked out a light mint green color for the walls and decided on a purple butterfly theme. Upon searching the internet for decorating inspiration we realized that not only was Emma's name one of the most popular girl names of the past decade, so too was our 'original' butterfly theme one of the most popular baby girl nursery decors.

I created and sewed a butterfly patterned French memory board for Emma's room while Will painted some really cute three dimensional butterflies we found at Target in various shades of purple.We then hung the memory board and butterflies this past week, and they really have made Emma's room as unique as a girl named Emma with a butterfly-themed room could be.

Here is Emma's finished room. The only thing missing is a crib, as we are still playing the waiting game to see if Lucy will outgrow hers before Emma moves out of the bassinet in our room. Worst case scenario we will buy a second crib, but we are going to hold out for as long as possible to see how things unfold.Finally, I completed a much dreaded task for my sweet girl's arrival, and I don't mean labor and delivery! We used cloth diapers for Lucy and saved a ton of money as well as hopefully the environment. When we bought the set of diapers for Lucy, it was a big upfront cost, but we had determined that the savings for Lucy alone would make it worth it and then we could sit back and watch the savings multiply with each subsequent child that wore them. After 20 plus months of use though, the diapers were in sad shape. It became clear once Lucy was diaper-free that if we had any hope of getting another child through them they would need some serious sewing repairs. The company who manufactures the diapers sells a refresher kit for $1/diaper and I decided that for $32 and a little of my time it would be well worth it. It was just so tedious!!! But I am finally finished, and feeling very proud of myself. The diapers are again ready to hold poop and pee!So you see, sweet Emma, I may not have had the time or energy to knit you cute little baby items, but I did grit my teeth and sew repairs on 32 cloth diapers for you. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. I know, I know, they are hand-me-down diapers, previously pooped and peed in by your sister, but with my repairs look almost as good as new and I can't wait to put them on your little bottom! Being the second living child in a family is quite different from the first, but I promise you Emma, you have been a much loved member of our family since the day we learned about you growing in my tummy, and we have truly enjoyed the last several months preparing a place for you in our home.

22 Months

This month just flew by. Before I sat down to type this post, I was a little worried that the running list of Lucy quips that I keep by my desk for each month was a bit short. However, now that I am actually drafting up this past month's stories, it seems that there is plenty of Lucy material!

Here Lucy is below playing in her favorite spot in the house - her parent's bed. She loves to play tent, where you put the blanket over your heads and giggle a lot, and she loves to play with her favorite doll Simone, also pictured below. Her enthusiasm of our bed doesn't seem to be diluted at all by the fact that she hits her head on the head board at least once during each play session.

Lucy also loves to play baby. She does this by asking to be wrapped up "snug as a bug", and then will proceed to fake cry.
That's about all she does that's even remotely baby-like these days though. She is talking in complete sentences now when she feels like it, and cracks us up with her response to things. When asked something along the lines of "Lucy, are you going to let me put your socks on now, or what?" She will look us straight in the eye, and say as serious as ever: "What." This is preferable to another frequent response to our requests by yelling, "NO, NOT!" Will pointed out to her once that this was in fact a double negative, and did that mean she actually was saying 'yes'? She responded by yelling louder, "NO! NOT!!!". Okay then!

Lucy is of the personality where she loves all things equally. In the morning when picking out what to wear, she isn't content with the two choices of shirts I give her - she pulls open the drawer with the rest of her shirts, and says "All of those!" She then proceeds to get upset when I try to explain to her that she can't possibly wear all of her shirts at the same time. The same goes for jammie time. She has three sets of different Elmo jammies. Each night we go through the same routine - she wants to wear all three of them, as if the other two pairs of Elmo jammies would have hurt feelings if she didn't. When packing up a bag to go on a day trip, Lucy spreads her arms wide and indicates that the entire contents of her crib - the piles of 'favorite' blankets, beloved stuffed animals and dolls all must come. "All of them!" She yells as we begrudgingly add one after the other of blankets and toys to the bag.


Lucy has also become fluent in singing some of her favorite songs, including Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Ring Around the Rosie. When singing the "ashes, ashes, we all fall down" it is impossible for Will and I not to laugh because it sounds remarkably similar to "ah, sh**, ah, sh**, we all fall down." Lucy also loves explaining to us whenever we can't find something we are looking for that it is "hiding." Most of the time, she is the one that hid it too.


And then there is her favorite phrase of the month, "DRY AND CLEAN!" which she proudly shouts for anything. Her Elmo jammies are dry and clean as I pull them out of the dryer. Her Mickey Mouse spoon and fork are dry and clean as I pull them out of the dishwasher. And best of all, her pants are dry and clean when I get her out of bed in the morning and after naps. That's right, she is officially potty trained. No more diapers for little Miss Lucy! And she would have it no other way. The best is when she tells us to clap after she deposits something in her froggy potty. She is definitely the one calling the shots around here, in case you hadn't picked up on that. Ah, yes. And she has also intelligently discovered that pee pee time and poo poo time can get you out of most anything. Your crib, a dinner that is less than appetizing, and boring church sermons. Pee and Poop time is the ultimate wild card in Lucy's deck and she doesn't hesitate to use it. Once Will decided that she was just stalling bedtime, and refused to get her out of her crib to use the potty 'one last time'. Lucy then proceeded to proudly pee the entire contents of what seemed to be a gallon sized jug of lemonade. When Will told me that she did it on purpose, I told him that was impossible, a child her age doesn't understand "on purpose". Flash forward a couple of days, and she tried getting out of a nap by telling me it was "Poo poo time." I told her she just went (which she did), and that she could hold it until after her nap. I thought I had nap victory when the baby monitor went silent for a couple of minutes - until I heard her proudly yell "POOP Momma! POOP!" I ran upstairs to her room, and sure enough, the little angel had pooped her pants!!! On purpose! The icing on the cake of wild cards though, was this past Sunday in church. We had already left for "pee pee time", and she did a great job. No sooner did we make it back to the pew when she started telling me it was "poo poo time". I told her no, we just went, and she could hold it until after church. She then started frantically yelling at the top of her lungs "POO POO TIME!! POO POO TIME!!!" at which point we made a huge scene as my pregnant belly and screaming toddler complete with a diaper bag slung over my shoulder shuffled back through the pew and over people's feet and left red faced and embarrassed. And no, she didn't go poop when we got to the restroom and I missed the entire sermon. Will and I still haven't figured out how to trump the pee and poop card Lucy keeps pulling. For now, we will chalk it up to the price of her new found potty freedom and hope it is a passing phase.
As you can see below, the froggy potty also travels. Who would have thought I'd have a roll of toilet paper and a pink and green froggy potty riding in the back seat of my sport sedan?

Lucy has been having a growth spurt this past month. She is finally tall enough to open door knobs and climb up on most anything - including her car seat and booster seat, which has been a great help as Emma continues to strain my back with each passing week. Lucy also got her last tooth (until her two year molars) and has a full set of teeth flashing back at us when she grins. Thank God we get a little break now of teething pain. Probably when Emma starts cutting her first tooth, Lucy will start cutting the two year molars. But we will enjoy the peace while it lasts! And probably the most exciting physical achievement of her little growth spurt this past month is enough hair on her head for me to put pigtails in! Finally!


When not walking on snow, as seen below...
Lucy loves playing with her silly face magnet set given to us by my Aunt Bridget. She called me into the office the other day where she and Will were playing and showed me a portrait she did of Will and I. Can you guess which one is Will and which one is me? Don't laugh too much, or you'll be her next subject!
And do not fear, I have not forgotten my promise of an Emma post. Stay tuned!

Happy 3rd Birthday Luke!

Three years ago today we welcomed our first child into the world. Luke Thomas Timmerman was born at 11:14 am on February 19, 2008, weighing 5 pounds and 1 whole ounce and measuring 19 inches long. We were so proud to finally hold him in our arms after so many months of longing to meet him. I will never forget what it felt like to finally feel the weight and warmth of his little body in my arms and wished that I could hold him forever. Luke's birth was still, quiet and calm. We spoke in whispers. Luke did not cry, but emerged silently. My biggest fear at that point was that he would look scary, since he had already passed and I kept bracing myself for that. When I first laid eyes on him though, my breath caught in my throat as I realized he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Pride filled my heart, and Will and I couldn't stop beaming. Yes, he was gone, but oh, how long we had waited to see his sweet face and to hold his little body. Finally, our arms were weighed down by him, and we couldn't believe that he had broken the 5 pound mark by 1 ounce! If he had been born alive, 5 pounds and 1 ounce was heavy enough by hospital terms to bring a preterm baby home. The doctors had all warned us how small and sickly he would be, even if he was born alive, and here in our arms was a healthy looking, chubby cheeked, beautifully perfect in every way little baby boy. I of course pointed out to Will that Luke did in fact have the hair I had been telling him about - it was actually quite long, and as dark as mine. He had my identical feet and hands (and my dad's as well), which I think of every time I look down at my own hands or feet. It is nice to have that physical connection in my memory with him. After soaking Luke in for a while, we called in our parents and siblings who had been in the waiting room while we delivered Luke. Again, a peaceful silence filled our crowded hospital room as our family took turns holding Luke, and looking upon his beautiful little face. My mom kept cradling his little bare feet in her hands, which is another memory that will live in me forever. The grandparents were so proud to finally meet their first grandchild, on both sides of the family. Our siblings got to hold their first nephew. I am so grateful our families got to meet Luke and hold him that day. It was the kind of day where time seemed to stand still, and I don't think Will and I even ate the entire day. We feasted our eyes on our beautiful son, and God's grace allowed us to focus on the present moment in a way we had never done before. Eventually, our families left and we spent the rest of the afternoon with Luke. When the time came that evening to say our final goodbyes, God again granted us the strength to be able to do something I would never have been able to do on my own - we said goodbye to our son for the last time. God was truly with us on February 18, 2008 and never once did I feel like He had abandoned us. It was the most I have ever felt His presence. This quote I read a while ago sums Luke's birthday up for me:

"Joy is not the absence of sadness, but the presence of God."

I can honestly say today was a great day. I was happy and excited to start the birthday traditions that we had planned, and Will and Lucy also shared in this happiness. When I walked downstairs this morning, the first floor was fragrant with the smell of the tulips on our dining room table. We watched the sunrise through the stained glass windows in our living room that we had designed in honor of Luke and Lucy. I swear that Luke was in the light, shining in on us.

We took an early morning journey to the cemetery to wish Luke a happy birthday, and to leave a container of birdseed cupcakes for any visitors to take home with them.

After the cemetery, we went out to breakfast and then went shopping at some local baby stores. Will and I realized later that we always seem to spend more money than usual on Luke's anniversary dates. We have a set of leather couches, a bookcase, and various other big ticket items that we have bought to prove this. I'm guessing it is symbolic to us trying to fill that empty feeling in our hearts that happened the day we lost Luke. Fortunately, we realized this today before we made a big purchase at the baby store. We will sleep on it tonight, and if we still feel it is a good idea to buy, we will purchase it tomorrow. We are learning. Anyways, while at the baby stores we did make fun, planned purchases to prepare for Emma's arrival, as well as some fun things we had been promising to get for Lucy. Lucy was her usual happy self, and ran around the baby stores yelling "Baby ELMO!" everytime she saw an Elmo, which is more than you would ever think possible. That red furry monster is everywhere! Her excitement really made shopping fun though, and kept us smiling. It was just a nice, fun morning.

When we got home, we had a lunch of some of Luke's favorite foods - pickles, grilled cheese and kettle potato chips. Then we began preparations for Luke's birthday dinner. This year we decided to make beef roast, as this was one meal I craved over and over again while pregnant with him. Will did an excellent job on this, and we rounded out the menu with a side of frozen pears (thanks to my faithful friend Theresa remembering I loved to eat this treat while pregnant with Luke). I made a chocolate marble cake for dessert, which Lucy saw before dinner and decided to save her appetite for. She refused to eat any dinner besides a couple of bites of ketchup. Yup, ketchup. I figured, it's her brother's birthday - if all she wants to eat is ketchup tonight, so be it. She didn't seem to have any outward signs of sugar overload after a dinner of ketchup followed by cake and ice cream, so no harm done hopefully.

Overall, it was a great day. I never thought I'd say that. Maybe I got all of the crying out the last two days because believe me, there was a lot of crying. Either way, I am grateful that today was so nice. It is exhausting to be sad, and frankly, I was ready to stop crying and move on. I feel like we are in a good place. After I post this, Will and I are going to sit down and go through Luke's memory box which is sure to bring on the tears, but I still think we will be okay. We miss our little guy as much as ever, but the traditions we have put in place have really helped us. Plus, having Lucy able to participate in the traditions this year really made it feel like a family affair. I am looking forward to when Emma will also be able to help us honor Luke.

Thank you for lifting us up in your thoughts and prayers as we made it through these last couple of days. It means more to Will and I than we could ever say. You continued to let us know that we were loved and cared for, each in your own special and unique ways and we are forever grateful. Thank you for remembering our son, and for loving us so well.

Luke's 3rd Anniversary in Heaven

Today, February 17th, is Luke's third anniversary in heaven. The entire month of February has been hard for me, but the week leading up to Luke's birthday is the most difficult. My mind fluctuates between remembering the most acute details of my last days with Luke wiggling around inside of me, to practicing the fine art of denial. It is a strange balance. Night time is the worst though, as my hands are no longer able to be busy and my mind wanders to my sweet firstborn, and how much I still miss him. Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping much this week. I remember the last times I felt Luke move inside of me. It was a Saturday night, February 16, 2008 and we had spent it at Will's parents house. I remember doing my daily kick counts that evening to make sure that everything was okay with Luke. My doctor had told me that if Luke passed his kick counts (10 movements within an hour at around the same time each day) then I could rest easy knowing he was okay in there until the following day's kick counts. Luke passed his kick counts within minutes, as he always did. The doctors told me he was super active because he had more room than most babies his age, on account of all the extra liters of amniotic fluid I was carrying. What I remember distinctly is that he had hiccups when I did the kick counts that night, and I could also feel his head turning from side to side, and even the hairs on his head, moving against my stomach. Will would always look at me in slight disbelief when I told him this part, at which I would respond - wait and see, he will be born with hair on his head!


That evening, Will and I had no idea as we snuggled in bed that it would be the last time we would be together with Luke on earth. When I think about it now, it still chokes me up to realize that Luke went home to heaven while his mom and dad were peacefully sleeping, warm and comfortable together in each other's arms. As any woman in her 35 week of pregnancy can attest - a peaceful night's sleep when your stomach is as big as a house is not easy to come by. Plus, with all of Luke's health concerns, my mind wouldn't shut off the worry most nights and I usually watched the sunrise, relieved that night was finally over. But I remember telling Will the next morning how well I had slept. I like to think that God gave us the gift of a good night's sleep because He knew what lay ahead, and how many sleepless nights would unfold. I also like to picture Jesus coming into our bedroom in the still of the night to bring Luke home, and Luke looking back on his parents with love, happy to see us so relaxed and at peace, together as a family on earth for the last time, and Luke's last picture of life on earth.



We had a very busy day that Sunday, which involved two different social engagements, I cleaned the house from top to bottom, and we also borrowed Will's parent's pickup truck to pick up a bookcase that they gave us for Luke's storybooks. It is ironic to me how busy that day was - how usually I was always so in tune with Luke - but that I didn't have time to pause for a moment that day and think about the last time I had felt him move. Not until we were getting ready for bed on Sunday night, and I sat down to do my kick counts did it occur to me that I hadn't felt him move since the night before. After the first hour of nothing, I drank some orange juice and walked around. After the second hour of no movement, it began to dawn on Will and I that something was seriously wrong. Luke never sat still for a moment - he was always kicking and poking me. When it occurred to me that I couldn't recall any movement from him all day, we called the doctor and they advised us to go the ER immediately to get checked out. The ride to the hospital around 11 that night was completely silent. It was freezing cold and dark, and I just remember pleading in my head to Luke to wake up and move, while squeezing Will's hand like it was the last concrete thing I had to hold on to for life. I have never experienced such fear. I have never prayed so fervently to God.



When we arrived at the ER, the events seemed to take place to someone else. They checked us in, and we had a bed in triage before we had time to think twice. They put the ultrasound on my stomach, and I swear the entire hospital went silent. I think Will and I both held our breath as we waited for Luke's image to come up on the screen. Will and I had still not let go of each other's hands, and they were numb and sweaty from the pressure. When Luke's image finally came up on the screen, the truth hit us like a blow to the stomach. We knew immediately that our little guy was gone. We could see his still form, usually so active with movement, still and lifeless on the screen, gently floating in the amniotic fluid. It is an image that Will and I will have as clear as the moment it happened, ingrained in our minds until the day we die. Doctors and nurses surrounded us, still not giving up, trying to find a heartbeat and shaking my stomach to try and wake him up. But Will and I locked eyes and we KNEW. He was gone. Finally, a nurse took my free hand and told me she was sorry, but that our baby was gone. We nodded at her. Silently, the doctors and nurses filed out of our curtained triage room. The silence was broken by a giant, shaking sob which I realized with surprise was coming from me. Will and I clung to each other.



What was left of February 17th, and into the next morning was filled with the most empty feeling I have ever experienced, coupled with numbness and disbelief. We had decisions to make. We had people to call. We had doctors and nurses to talk to. My body was subjected to multiple pokes and prods. All of this occurred as if through a dimly lit dream. These were the darkest hours of my life. Looking back, I can see the hand of God gently leading us through this dark place. I cannot imagine how else I came through it. To have my baby boy still inside of me, but yet to know he was gone was surreal. I didn't want him to ever be born, but on the other hand, I wanted him out so that I could move through this pain. I kept my arms tightly wrapped around my swollen stomach for most of this time, and would look at Will and cry because he couldn't hold Luke like I could. I kept reminding myself that I was only holding Luke's little body, that his spirit was soaring with the angels already, and that he was healthy and whole. But my heart wanted him here with me. I still want him here with me.



I have gone over the above scene probably a million times in my mind. Driving in the car, laying awake in bed at night, and staring off into space while I eat lunch. It is like my mind has to keep going over and over it again and again to finally be able to come to terms with all that has happened. Three years later, I feel like I am happy again, and able to experience life to the fullest - something I never thought would happen after losing Luke. But it is still different. There is still a hole that can never be filled on this earth. Will and I are different people. We have lost the hopeful thoughts of the future that the young are blessed with. We have seen the future. We are older. We are wiser. And although we can look to the future again with hope, we also understand that futures can contain both happy AND sad times.



Will and I have weathered losing our son together, and have emerged as a stronger couple. But I still look back on those days before losing Luke, and miss the carefree people we once were. We had no idea how our vows of for better or for worse would play out. So February 17th is a difficult day for me. And I'm not through the worst of the anniversary dates yet. There is still Luke's birthday, and then the day we buried him.



This year, I have Lucy to think about as well. She talks about her brother in heaven, and knows that Will and I miss him. She talks about how when she was born, she cried, and that when Emma is born she will also cry. Then she says, "Luke. Born. Cry?" This sends a knife through my heart when I tell Lucy that "No, Luke didn't cry when he was born but mama and dada did." Lucy also talks about how she can't wait to hold Emma when she is born. She then transitions into how she wants to hold Luke, and again I have to choke back the tears. I tell her, "I want to hold Luke too, more than anything, but we have to wait until we go to heaven." For now, Lucy is okay with these answers. I do wonder how these conversations will play out in the future. After having Lucy, and now being pregnant with Emma, Will and I have realized a new grief we are working through - the grief of our other children missing their brother.



For Luke's birthday this year, we want to celebrate our son's life with Lucy, and make it a happy day for our family. This is easier said than done, but we will be trying to do that. Lucy told us that Luke wanted a chocolate cake for his birthday, so we will make that as well as eat all of his favorite foods for the day. We will also be putting out a dozen or so birdseed cupcakes at the cemetery, along with a card for anyone who stops by this weekend to sign. All of these traditions are more for us than for Luke, but it is important to Will and I to celebrate Luke the same way we would our other children. It is my hope that my living children will know their brother, even though he isn't physically with us on earth, and that they will also realize that death cannot separate or lessen their parent's love for their children.



And so I began this week much like I would any other week where a child of mine's birthday will be celebrated. I made a grocery list and a to-do list to get ready for the big day. I also planned out the meals for Luke's birthday, and bookmarked the recipes in my cookbooks. There is a vase of yellow tulips now sitting in the center of our dining room table. At meals, Lucy will point to it and say "Luke." Yup, those remind us of Luke we respond back. They are for Luke's birthday. This year, Luke has another little sister who will celebrate (in her own way) with us, and make the trip to the cemetery, and for that I am grateful. Life is to be celebrated, no matter how short it's stay on earth. Truly every beat our heart makes is a miracle and Will and I feel so blessed that we had the miracle of Luke for the 35 weeks that we did. He will be forever woven into our family and our lives.



Feel free to stop by the cemetery this weekend. We will have the birdseed cupcakes there until Sunday evening, along with the card and of course Luke's favorite candy, tootsie rolls. Send me an email if you would like directions to his plot and cemetery hours. Otherwise, if you could lift our family up in your thoughts and prayers as we journey through this weekend, it would mean more to us than we can say.

The below picture is of me with Luke happily swimming in my belly at 31 weeks.

Luke, through all the pain, you were worth it to your mom and dad, and we would do it all again, even now, knowing the outcome. We are so glad we have a son named Luke, and we are so very proud of you.

Winter Days with a 21 Month Old

Winter has never passed so splendidly for me before. Life has not been dull with a 21 month old running around, even though most days this past month have not broken above the 20 degree mark and we have over a foot of snow on the ground as I type this. Lucy has just been a delight, and Will and I are enjoying our time indoors with her. We started the month out a bit rough I must admit, with Lucy getting a bladder infection that lasted for over two weeks, and then the stomach flu as soon as she recovered from her first illness. It is amazing to me though, how much spunk she has now that she is healthy again, and how much fun we are having. She is sleeping better than she has in her entire life, and continues to learn new things every day.

This girl LOVES a furry red guy named Elmo. As I mentioned in a previous post, Santa was very good to her with all things Elmo. In the picture below she is holding her beloved Elmo, while wearing a pair of Elmo jammies from Christmas.Since Christmas, Lucy innocently believes with all of her might that every present and unopened box contains Elmo in it, and excitedly will shout "Elmo, Elmo" while watching her Aunt Jane open her birthday presents, or while shaking a giant popcorn container at Grandma and Grandpa T's. I can't help but laugh and feel sad for her at the same time - I always hold my breath for disappointment when the present or box is opened to reveal something other than an Elmo inside. She seems to take the disappointment in stride though, and it doesn't seem to dilute her enthusiasm the next time an unopened box presents itself to her.

Lucy has been devotedly watching an assortment of Elmo DVD's either from Christmas or from the library every afternoon after her nap. On one of the DVD's, there is a segment with Elmo and Whoopi Goldberg where they discuss the differences between skin, fur and hair. The other day Lucy was rubbing my arm and said "skin". Then she touched my head and said "hair." I then asked her what was covering the furry little red guy she was holding, and she lovingly looked at Elmo and said "FUR!" This game went on for a while as we talked about the difference between the three, and pointed out what Lucy had on her. Not to leave Daddy out, I asked Lucy what was on Daddy, and she proudly shouted, "FUR!!" To which I responded that yes, Daddy did look like he was covered in fur, but it was in fact just a lot of hair.

To help pass all of the time indoors, we have been enjoying lots of good company of friends and family over this past month. Lucy has loved the social interaction on her own turf, and has been doing a great job of providing the live entertainment for all of our guests. Here she is below with her Aunt Jane and Jane's boyfriend Matt.Lucy's Uncle Mike and Aunt Jenna came over one evening, and Uncle Mike brought his guitar which Lucy loved. Uncle Mike played all of her favorite songs, including Rock-a-Bye Baby and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I was impressed that he could play these songs by ear, and I can't help but think of how lucky his little one, Tiny, due in July, will be to have a daddy who can play such great music for him or her.Lucy also got to hold another baby this past month, when my good friend from Chicago came for a visit with her daughter Eleanor. This brought her endless amounts of excitement in anticipation of getting to hold Ellie, and she has been talking about her ever since.Other favorite things to talk about are holding babies, what to do when a baby cries, and giving the people she misses "hugs" and "kisses". She even went so far as to tell me that when we went to a doctor appointment for Emma last week to hear her heartbeat, that she was going to "Hug and kiss Dr. Cayle". Not to discourage her affection, I went along with it, thinking she would get shy when the doctor came into the room. Let's just say my face turned beet red when Lucy jumped off Will's lap, went to my OB and said "Hug. Kiss." He knelt down for a hug, then went to stand up afterwards at which point Lucy grabbed his face in both of her hands and planted a kiss that landed on his cheek as he moved his face back in surprise. This was not good enough for Lucy though, and she pushed his face in front of hers again and kissed him square on the lips. I asked Lucy why she liked Dr. Cayle so much, and she told me "Emma, heartbeat. Emma out." Well, of course! This guy is going to be responsible for bringing her baby sister into the world (with a little help from me I am assuming) so I guess he does deserve a hug and a kiss!

Speaking of fun vocabulary out of Lucy's mouth, some of the highlights this month include her increasing awareness of the numbers 2 and 3. She now tells me exactly how many of something she would like, and the numbers are always 2 or 3. She also knows that 3 is more than 2, and if it is something she likes, she will ask for 3. If it is something she doesn't, but knows she has to do, she will tell me 2. When she weighs herself on the bathroom scale every morning after I step off, she staves off my depression of my ever increasing numbers when she happily yells "8-10!" We're not sure if this means she weighs 80 pounds, or is saying she weighs 810 pounds to make me feel better about my own weight.

She has added several different ways to say no this month including "uh-uh", "nope" and my favorite said oh so cutely, "no thank you!". When asked a question, she will now hesitate before answering while saying, "ummmm." She also is fond of telling us what time of day it is - play time, potty time, snack time, din-din time, nap time, and nigh-nigh time to name a few. I don't know if I've ingrained too much of a schedule, or if she is trying to ingrain a schedule on me! But probably the most endearing statements out of this little lady's mouth this month include names. She now calls herself, "Me, Loose". When it is her turn, or she wants something she will say repeatedly, "Me, Loose". But even better, and probably as pay back from me laughing at her yelling for Will by name last month, is her increased use of my first name. The best is when she calls me out of a deep sleep from her crib. It goes something like this, "Mumma! Mumma! Morning! Mumma...... Liz!? Liz! Liz!" And when I arrive at her cribside she casually says, "Hi, Liz. Morning." How can you not laugh at that!?!

Developmentally, a lot has been happening for Lucy this past month. You wouldn't think so at first, when I tell you that with all of the talk lately of baby Emma, and holding our friends' babies that Lucy has decided it is a lot of fun to play 'baby'. Here she is below in her old bouncer seat, chewing on a teething toy and holding a doll bottle while loudly 'crying'. We are hoping she gets this out of her system before she realizes that she has to share that bouncer with Emma when she arrives!
But on a more serious note, Lucy has decided that she no longer cares for wearing diapers. At first this really stressed me out because I was not ready for this giant leap to be so cold turkey. I know, I know, Santa did bring Elmo undies for Christmas and I did order two Froggy Potties online that arrived in the mail this past month, but I thought this was just setting the stage for down the road, and that we would practice potty time a little every day and get her used to the idea gradually. Lucy has firmly made up her mind though that she is ready, and is not looking back. She is exclusively wearing her Elmo undies during the day - whether at home or out - and is doing a very good job. Sometimes she will ask for a diaper for bedtime or naps, and sometimes not. I have learned to just go with it, and try to relax and be okay with the inevitable accidents and extra loads of laundry. She is getting better every day, and it still is less work than the cloth diapers we had her in. Here she is below eagerly awaiting the opening of the box that contained her new Froggy Potties.
This is the only decent picture I have of Lucy on her Froggy Potty - closed eyes were better than some of the other things that the other pictures revealed! Her excitement when she puts something in the potty is a sight to behold, and I can't help but catch the joy radiating off of her, and clap my hands and shout along with her. It really has been a lot more fun that I could have ever imagined. To tell you the truth, I was dreading potty training, but no more. Lucy's strong little personality presents many challenges, but it is a definite bonus as we potty learn.

Lucy cut her third canine tooth this past month, and it really didn't seem to phase her - granted a bladder infection and the stomach flu probably paled the pain of tooth cutting. And despite these health inconveniences, like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, she has had a ton of fun this past month just letting her personality shine.

To creatively pass some time while I cleaned up the kitchen, I filled a Rubbermaid bin with a couple inches of water, tossed some toys in and let Lucy have some fun on the kitchen floor. I had my back to her for literally 20 seconds as I scrubbed a pan in the sink, and spun around in surprise when I heard a big splash and Lucy yell "BATH!" She had somehow snuck out of her socks, pants and underwear faster than I could say "Bad Idea" and plopped her naked butt into the water making a huge mess. I learned two things from this - water play is only fun for me in the bathtub or outside, and second - if I have the crazy idea to let her play with a bin of water on the kitchen floor again, I need to make the water much, much colder.We've found the energy it takes to bundle Lucy up for the great outdoors a couple of times this month, and are always underwhelmed when it seems like it takes longer to bundle her up than she spends outside.
She still doesn't know how she feels about the fluffy and cold white stuff, but she did find it in her to make a snow angel for Luke in our front yard so that he could see it from heaven.Now that the calendar has turned to February, we have begun to think and talk about Luke even more. This year Lucy understands birthdays as well as talks about Luke by name. We want to find a meaningful and happy way to celebrate her older brother's birthday while finding a way to balance the sadness that we still feel so deeply. Stay tuned for more on that, and please keep us in your prayers as we approach the third anniversary of Luke going to heaven. I also promise to write a post devoted to Emma soon too.

Until then, stay warm to all of our northern friends and family and thanks for reading!

Lucy at 20 Months

We've had a fun-filled month at our house with little Miss Lucy. It is amazing to me how much a human being can grow, learn and change and yet still be that same little bundle of joy we brought home from the hospital 20 months ago. I'd say the biggest change this past month is her budding imagination. She will go off and create her own little worlds all on her own. The more blankets and dollies involved in the imaginary play the better, and things get really interesting when she chooses otherwise ordinary household objects or locations for props and background. In the below picture I can only begin to guess at the game she is playing with her buddies Elmo and Polly.Lucy also discovered the paper goods drawer in our kitchen, and loves setting up the plates, napkins and plastic cups all over the floor to serve play cookies on.My friend Krista gave Lucy a cookie jar for Christmas, which timed perfectly with Lucy's new vocab word "COOK-eeee". Lucy is also learning shapes, and can point out circles, triangles, squares, and new this month - cookies, which you or I call a star. I am guessing this knowledge is based on the 8 dozen star shaped Christmas cut-out cookies Lucy helped me decorate and eat.Other favorite words this month include her shouting "FLAG!" and "LIGHTS" (as in Christmas lights) everytime we see them while driving, as well as "Thank You". She will now cutely sing to herself "Humpty-Dumpty" every time she is doing something dangerous, like trying to climb on the table or balance on a pedal of our elliptical machine. This is a great clue for me to come running if I ever hear her get to "had a great fall" - I know my time is limited. She also loves singing "Tinkle Tinkle" which is not bathroom talk, but rather a favorite bedtime song. But my favorite word of the month is "Wheel", which is actually Will's name in toddler-speak. She really only says Will's name when shouting it across the house, up the stairs, or when being pushed by me in a shopping cart as we are trying to find Will. What makes it even funnier to me is that Will thinks this behavior is not appropriate, causing me to laugh even more when she does it. I asked Will if he would rather I start referring to him as Dada the next time I am trying to find him in a shopping center. I am still awaiting his answer on that.



Lucy finally saw snow for the first time this season, and as soon as she saw the snow falling, she started excitedly yelling, "SANTA!" She no longer refers to snow as Santa, but when she says it, it sounds like she is saying "No" which always sends a shiver down my spine until I realize it is a description of the fluffy white stuff and not the begining of a tantrum. The first time she walked through the snow, she took extremely small steps as you can see in the picture below, all the while saying "crunch, crunch, crunch."
A dust pan is the perfect sized snow shovel for Lucy!

Because of the snow and cold temperatures, we have spent a lot more times indoors. Thankfully, Lucy is enjoying the activities I have been thinking up for her so far.

Lucy sometimes is content to color at the table for over an hour. As I type this, she is currently coloring.

Lucy loves to run laps through the house - here she is getting ready for me to yell "GO!"

She also enjoys trying her hand at brain teasers, like how to buckle her three point harness on her booster seat at the table. She is really good at buckling, and is now working on how to get it unbuckled. I have to confess that I usually try to distract her before she can figure that part out.

And when she is ready to relax, she loves her new pint-sized snuggi from my friend Krista.

Lucy continues to improve with her sleeping. We have slowly reintroduced dairy back into her diet, and it hasn't seemed to cause any problems. We have also added a certain type of probiotic to her daily diet along with fish oil tablets. For some reason, this is supposed to help digestion go more smoothly and it seems to be working like a charm. She now goes to sleep on her own, and if she does wake up in the middle of the night, will either put herself back to sleep or only requires a couple of pats on her back and some blanket rearranging. This is absolutely huge for Will and I. Lucy's sleep has been such a long road, and I can't tell you the number of nights I have slept on the floor next to her crib because she was uncomfortable and in pain. As with all parenting milestones, I am sure there will continue to be setbacks, but the phase we are in now is unmatchable. It makes Will and I feel like we have finally made it to Easy Street. What better time than now to bring home a newborn and shake things up again!

Speaking of newborns, we have had a lot of friends welcome newborns into their families this past fall. Lucy is infatiuated with all of them, and got to hold baby Chloe a couple of weeks ago. This was the first time she has held a baby, and up until now, has really been the baby in most social settings. This is a big step for Lucy, and she LOVED it. She keeps talking about baby Chloe, and how when Emma gets here, she will hold Emma like she held Chloe. Sitting next to Lucy in the below picture are Chloe's sister and brother, Katherine and Killian. With this picture I found out how difficult it is to get a picture of four kids, all under the age of four!

It has been a great month for Lucy, and to top it all off, she finally cut her top two canine teeth which she has been working on since the summer. She only has the two bottom canine teeth left and we'll hopefully get a break before her two year molars come in.

Here Lucy is below with her Uncle Johnny, who taught her how to 'pound it!'

Happy New Year!