Happy 3rd Birthday Luke!

Three years ago today we welcomed our first child into the world. Luke Thomas Timmerman was born at 11:14 am on February 19, 2008, weighing 5 pounds and 1 whole ounce and measuring 19 inches long. We were so proud to finally hold him in our arms after so many months of longing to meet him. I will never forget what it felt like to finally feel the weight and warmth of his little body in my arms and wished that I could hold him forever. Luke's birth was still, quiet and calm. We spoke in whispers. Luke did not cry, but emerged silently. My biggest fear at that point was that he would look scary, since he had already passed and I kept bracing myself for that. When I first laid eyes on him though, my breath caught in my throat as I realized he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Pride filled my heart, and Will and I couldn't stop beaming. Yes, he was gone, but oh, how long we had waited to see his sweet face and to hold his little body. Finally, our arms were weighed down by him, and we couldn't believe that he had broken the 5 pound mark by 1 ounce! If he had been born alive, 5 pounds and 1 ounce was heavy enough by hospital terms to bring a preterm baby home. The doctors had all warned us how small and sickly he would be, even if he was born alive, and here in our arms was a healthy looking, chubby cheeked, beautifully perfect in every way little baby boy. I of course pointed out to Will that Luke did in fact have the hair I had been telling him about - it was actually quite long, and as dark as mine. He had my identical feet and hands (and my dad's as well), which I think of every time I look down at my own hands or feet. It is nice to have that physical connection in my memory with him. After soaking Luke in for a while, we called in our parents and siblings who had been in the waiting room while we delivered Luke. Again, a peaceful silence filled our crowded hospital room as our family took turns holding Luke, and looking upon his beautiful little face. My mom kept cradling his little bare feet in her hands, which is another memory that will live in me forever. The grandparents were so proud to finally meet their first grandchild, on both sides of the family. Our siblings got to hold their first nephew. I am so grateful our families got to meet Luke and hold him that day. It was the kind of day where time seemed to stand still, and I don't think Will and I even ate the entire day. We feasted our eyes on our beautiful son, and God's grace allowed us to focus on the present moment in a way we had never done before. Eventually, our families left and we spent the rest of the afternoon with Luke. When the time came that evening to say our final goodbyes, God again granted us the strength to be able to do something I would never have been able to do on my own - we said goodbye to our son for the last time. God was truly with us on February 18, 2008 and never once did I feel like He had abandoned us. It was the most I have ever felt His presence. This quote I read a while ago sums Luke's birthday up for me:

"Joy is not the absence of sadness, but the presence of God."

I can honestly say today was a great day. I was happy and excited to start the birthday traditions that we had planned, and Will and Lucy also shared in this happiness. When I walked downstairs this morning, the first floor was fragrant with the smell of the tulips on our dining room table. We watched the sunrise through the stained glass windows in our living room that we had designed in honor of Luke and Lucy. I swear that Luke was in the light, shining in on us.

We took an early morning journey to the cemetery to wish Luke a happy birthday, and to leave a container of birdseed cupcakes for any visitors to take home with them.

After the cemetery, we went out to breakfast and then went shopping at some local baby stores. Will and I realized later that we always seem to spend more money than usual on Luke's anniversary dates. We have a set of leather couches, a bookcase, and various other big ticket items that we have bought to prove this. I'm guessing it is symbolic to us trying to fill that empty feeling in our hearts that happened the day we lost Luke. Fortunately, we realized this today before we made a big purchase at the baby store. We will sleep on it tonight, and if we still feel it is a good idea to buy, we will purchase it tomorrow. We are learning. Anyways, while at the baby stores we did make fun, planned purchases to prepare for Emma's arrival, as well as some fun things we had been promising to get for Lucy. Lucy was her usual happy self, and ran around the baby stores yelling "Baby ELMO!" everytime she saw an Elmo, which is more than you would ever think possible. That red furry monster is everywhere! Her excitement really made shopping fun though, and kept us smiling. It was just a nice, fun morning.

When we got home, we had a lunch of some of Luke's favorite foods - pickles, grilled cheese and kettle potato chips. Then we began preparations for Luke's birthday dinner. This year we decided to make beef roast, as this was one meal I craved over and over again while pregnant with him. Will did an excellent job on this, and we rounded out the menu with a side of frozen pears (thanks to my faithful friend Theresa remembering I loved to eat this treat while pregnant with Luke). I made a chocolate marble cake for dessert, which Lucy saw before dinner and decided to save her appetite for. She refused to eat any dinner besides a couple of bites of ketchup. Yup, ketchup. I figured, it's her brother's birthday - if all she wants to eat is ketchup tonight, so be it. She didn't seem to have any outward signs of sugar overload after a dinner of ketchup followed by cake and ice cream, so no harm done hopefully.

Overall, it was a great day. I never thought I'd say that. Maybe I got all of the crying out the last two days because believe me, there was a lot of crying. Either way, I am grateful that today was so nice. It is exhausting to be sad, and frankly, I was ready to stop crying and move on. I feel like we are in a good place. After I post this, Will and I are going to sit down and go through Luke's memory box which is sure to bring on the tears, but I still think we will be okay. We miss our little guy as much as ever, but the traditions we have put in place have really helped us. Plus, having Lucy able to participate in the traditions this year really made it feel like a family affair. I am looking forward to when Emma will also be able to help us honor Luke.

Thank you for lifting us up in your thoughts and prayers as we made it through these last couple of days. It means more to Will and I than we could ever say. You continued to let us know that we were loved and cared for, each in your own special and unique ways and we are forever grateful. Thank you for remembering our son, and for loving us so well.