Happy Second Birthday Luke!

We hope you enjoyed your second birthday in Heaven Luke. It doesn't seem fair that something as joyous and happy as a birthday has to share the same day that you left us as well. Today we tried to remember the happy memories of our time with you. In your honor we enjoyed all of your favorite foods today - grilled cheese and clausen pickles for lunch and coney dogs, pringles and frozen pears for dinner. Lucy got to watch your two birthday candles sparkle atop a pair of chocolate cupcakes as we sang Happy Birthday to you. We couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like with you here to blow them out yourself. We know Lucy would have watched you in admiration and wonder. Your dad and I went through your memory box, photo album and baby book. We cried and smiled and laughed as we related stories about the day you were born, reminding each other of little details that one or the other of us had forgotten. My breath caught in my throat when my nose caught your scent in the outfit you wore when you were born. Your scent brought us right back to the day we got to hold you for the first time Luke, two years ago. We would do anything to bury our noses into the nape of your neck and breathe in your beautiful, sweet scent again. We miss you so much it hurts.
We love you Luke.
Happy Birthday.
Mama, Daddy and Baby Lucy

Luke's Upcoming Second Birthday

Will and I are still in disbelief that Luke's second birthday in Heaven is coming up on Friday. This second birthday is different from Luke's first. While the pain is not as raw as it was a year ago, it has turned into more of a dull ache that never fully goes away now. And although we can carry on with our day to day life now and experience joy and laughter again the world still isn't the same without our Luke here with us. Obviously the biggest change is that Lucy is here with us to celebrate her brother's second birthday. This makes things easier and harder at the same time. Lucy is definitely a positive distraction, as her needs demand attention and smiles but it is very painful to realize that we miss Luke not only as our son, but as Lucy's brother too. Lucy just lights up anytime she sees a child or baby and we can't help but imagine how happy she would be with Luke by her side, growing up together.

Will and I tend to classify our life together as before Luke and after Luke. Before Luke the world was rosy with possibility. We could talk for hours planning our future together, imagining our family, hopes and dreams. The day we lost Luke it seems we lost that rosy view of the world. Things still are beautiful to us, but after tasting the sorrow of losing our firstborn, we experience beauty differently now. On this earth there will always be an emptiness that no dream can fill. We still have dreams, and we are happy to report that we are currently watching several of them unfold into reality but there will always be that piece missing, knowing that we can never experience these dreams fully with an incomplete family on earth. It's a tough reality to face - the family pictures missing a child in them, the birthday celebrations, the family vacations, the holidays. Quite honestly, Will and I have been in denial about Luke's second birthday coming up. It is easy to find distractions this year and push the pain away for another time. It's hard to put into words how we are dreading the sadness that comes with February 19 but want to honor and celebrate our son's life at the same time.

A fellow blogger put it into perspective for us - the story of Will's and my life is still unfolding. God is writing each page with love and grace and plans for us to be happy and prosper. We just never expected a chapter called "Luke" that would completely change the course of our lives and the resulting chapters of our story. And although Luke is no longer with us, his presence can be felt on each subsequent page. We don't know what future chapters will hold for us either, but we are holding strong to our faith that God is with us through it all. Will and I are different people in the "After Luke" part of this story. We are glad that we were blessed with the nine months we had with Luke and wouldn't rewrite that chapter for the world. But we do miss him and are forever changed. God is a perfect author and we are looking to our future again with hope on Luke's second birthday.

In honor of Luke's second birthday Will and I made birdseed cupcakes. We will be bringing them to the cemetery on Friday and would like to invite our friends and family to stop by and get a cupcake to bring home and hang in your yard. Like last year, we will also have his journal card in a ziplock bag to keep it from getting wet. We left a pen in there last year, but the ink froze so we'll leave a pencil this time, or you can bring your own pen. You can feel free to leave your own card in the ziplock if you prefer too. If you can't make it to the cemetery, you are welcome to post a note on this blog. It would mean a lot to Will and I.

If you haven't been to the cemetery before, you can find directions at http://www.mtelliott.com/resurrection.html. Or you can follow Will's directions: upon entering the cemetery, take the tree lined entrance road until it ends. Turn right. Take this road until it ends and turn left. Go past one block. The second block on the left is where Luke is at. Go halfway up that block on the lefthand side and about five to six rows back. He is in section 23, plot 731. We have a smaller pine needle grave blanket with a small orange truck and some Christmas ornaments covering Luke's grave. There is also a small snowman that Will made at Luke's headstone. The cemetery is open from 7 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. daily. If you need more specifics on where Luke's plot is, you can ask at the office whose hours are from 9 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, and 9 a.m. - 4 p.m. on Saturday. We will have the card there through the end of the weekend (Sunday, February 21nd). Because the cemetery doesn't like any artificial decorations, the ziplock with the card will be tucked into the grave blanket just below Luke's headstone. Thank you to all of our friends and family who continue to remember Luke in your own special way and bring his name up, even when it feels uncomfortable or awkward. We cannot begin to tell you how much this means to us and we are forever grateful. Please keep us in your prayers as we journey through this week, filled with sad and happy memories of missing Luke.

Above is a snow angel I made for Luke on Sunday at the cemetery.

9 Months In, 9 Months Out

It's hard to believe Lucy has been with us for 18 months now and has enjoyed life outside the womb just as long as she enjoyed life inside. Here is Lucy's past month captured in pictures.

We'll start with my favorite thing Lucy does - kisses and hugs. She still thinks kissing involves teeth so hopefully she doesn't outgrow this as we're thinking this will help to keep the boys away. Here Lucy is hugging me...

And here Lucy is biting - I mean kissing - me...

Lucy really enjoys playing and even knows what "Let's go play!" means. She will crawl all over us but still prefers to get to her destinations via us. This makes for a lot of us crawling around carrying her as she grunts and nods her head to indicate where she would like to go next.Probably the biggest change in Lucy this past month is her increased attention span with books. She will allow us to read to her from a few choice favorites which include books with moving parts, sing-alongs or babies. Usually it goes like this - we sit down in front of the bookcase. Lucy then indicates that she wants to pick a book out by grunting and reaching her hands up. We pull out a book so that it sticks out a bit from the others and she then pulls the book the rest of the way out then sits down in our lap for us to read it to her. The reading could last anywhere from saying the title of the book aloud to reading the entire book, depending on it's level of moving parts, singing or babies. Then, repeat above process multiple times until mom or dad's legs fall asleep and it's time to get up. For the most part, we are sticking with cloth or cardboard books as she can turn more traditional books into shreds and pulp in seconds.

Lucy still only has the two bottom teeth but that hasn't seemed to slow her down when it comes time to eat. Her favorite foods continue to be bananas, cherries and sweet potatoes in that order. She would eat only fruit if she could and we think likes sweet potatoes because it has the word 'sweet' in it. She prefers to eat 'real' food and not baby food and if it comes off of mom or dad's plate she will eat it - fruit or even vegetables.

Despite what it looks like in the below picture, Lucy is still a mama's girl. If I'm in the room and not with her, she becomes obsessed with getting to me. It's nice to have such a loyal follower, but sometimes I do need to get some work done, and Will misses her. She does still light up with excitement when Will comes home from work and makes up for her extreme attachment to her mama by having her very first words be "Hi Dada" this past month. I put a little guilt on Will and told him that the reason she said Dada before Mama is because I taught her it. After I told him that, I heard Will the other day trying to teach her "Hi Mama" and had to laugh. Then I felt guilty and told Will that most babies say Dada first because developmentally the D is easier than an M. The guilt over Will was fun while it lasted though! And it is so cute to hear Lucy's little voice say "Hi Dada" while she waves excitedly at Will.

Lucy has become very good at communicating with us through grunts and head nods indicating yes or no. Here she is in the crib telling us "No, I do not want to be in here, get me out!"Lucy loves babies. She just lights up when she sees a baby and starts babbling away to them. We have several baby pictures up on our fridge of various family and friends' babies as well as a picture of Luke's hands and feet. She has us stop every time we pass the fridge so that she can wave hi, and babble at them. It tears Will and I up when we think about how adoring she would have been of her brother Luke. I think at this point we are starting to grieve anew for our son - this time missing him as a brother for Lucy. It brings the pain back fresh and new as we realize that Lucy will never know what it feels like to have an older brother to adore and look up to on earth. This coming month Luke will be celebrating his second birthday in heaven. As we approach this next milestone for Luke, please keep us in your prayers and check back on the blog for what we will do to celebrate his birthday. Isn't his little sister cute?

Lucy is Eight Months Old Today!

Will is out running some errands with Lucy this evening, so as you can see I am catching up on some blog posts! Lucy is eight months old today, and a lot has changed in this last month.

I had one wish this past Christmas - to see my little Lucy feel better. As many of you know, Lucy has had some serious sleep issues during her short eight months of life and was pretty miserable as well. Will and I took her to a series of doctors and still couldn't find answers to why Lucy seemed to be in pain most of the time, and why she just plain wouldn't sleep. We tried alternative medicine, cranial sacral therapy, chiropractic care and a ton of 'sleep help' books but nothing seemed to help her get comfortable enough to sleep. We began to get seriously concerned when Lucy stopped gaining weight for over two months. Finally, on the recommendation of a new friend of mine, we took her to see a Nurse Practitioner who my friend had taken her sleepless son to with some success. Our new NP was wonderful! She listened to our concerns and didn't write us off to 'poor sleep hygiene' as our last doctor put it. She also agreed with us that a sleepless baby was by no means manipulating us as our second to last doctor put it. She diagnosed Lucy with Silent GERD (basically acid reflux without vomiting), and referred us to a pediatric gastrologist. We finally got in to see the gastrologist the week before Christmas and he put Lucy on Prevacid which has made a world of difference in Lucy's mood and sleep! She is now taking two naps a day and sleeping between 10-12 hours at night. She is still getting up to eat throughout the night, but the screaming and sleeplessness is finally gone. Will and I couldn't be more relieved to see her comfortable and happy. She is like a completely different child! Lucy has even become more vocal overnight it seems too - her cries are heartier and she is babbling baby talk now. Before she would just make sounds like someone trying to warm their hands up on a cold day. The doctor told us that most babies are diagnosed with GERD within the first month of life, but because Lucy's went untreated for almost eight months that it could take another eight months before Lucy doesn't associate pain with sleep. So, we are by no means out of the woods with sleep, but we are definitely on the right path now and it seems she is catching up on her growing by leaps and bounds. It is truly a Christmas miracle for us.

Lucy has developed a fascination with gravity this past month and likes to drop her toys one by one from whatever surface they were on, and then expectantly stare at her Daddy until he gives in and picks them all up so the gravity experiment can begin again.

She continues to enjoy looking out the window from the back of our couch, and can easily pass a half hour watching the world go by through our front window.

Lucy loves to play with Will or I and prefers not to play alone. She is now scooting around on the floor. We have been using the Christmas tree as incentive to get her to crawl. We place her on the ground a couple of feet from the tree, and Lucy excitedly starts crawling... backwards. It is so funny to see the surprised look on her face as the tree gets farther away from her. Finally, she lets out a cry as if to blame us for the tree getting farther not closer from her efforts. Here she is in the below picture, after she backed herself into a wall.

Lucy knows how to smile for the camera and now hugs her dolls and stuffed animals affectionately too. She has added wet sloppy kisses (that sometimes involve her teeth!) to her affection repertoire and also likes to snuggle now too.Lucy no longer smiles at strangers. However, she will still smile spontaneously at children - babies, toddlers, and even kids up to teenagers. She loves kids! She also tries to reach out and touch them while excitedly kicking her legs, pumping her arms and babbling baby talk.

Lucy has become a pickier eater. She would prefer to only eat bananas if she had the choice. She also would prefer to kick anything remotely close to 'baby food' to the curb and eat whatever is on mine or Will's plate instead.

She is starting to recognize more words and we think she even knows her name as Lulu. She definitely knows "eat", "mama", and "daddy." She also will nod her head up and down when you say "yes" and will wave her hand at you if you say "hi" or "bye."

Below are pictures we had taken of Lucy for her Eight Month milestone.

Also, some of you have told me that you have been unable to leave comments on the blog. I have changed some settings around, so hopefully you can leave me a note now. Let me know if you still can't!

Merry Christmas

Christmas with Lucy was definitely a happy day, but not without our moments of sadness missing Luke. It means so much to us, all of our family and friends that were not afraid to remember Luke by name this Christmas and to help us keep his memory alive. Truly, your kindness towards us as we continue to miss our Luke means more than we could ever say.

We are still having a hard time accepting the fact that there is nothing on earth that will ever fill the void of missing Luke. No matter how happy Lucy has made us, she does not replace her older brother - and we wouldn't want her to either. She is her own person, our second born. Last Christmas Will and I had a hard time getting through the holidays. This year was easier, and we were able to start some holiday traditions that included Luke. I made stockings for both Luke and Lucy with their names on it. On Christmas Eve, we filled Lucy's stocking with presents and filled Luke's stocking with a letter written by Will and I. Each year we will write our son a letter, recapping our year without him, and telling him how much we love him. When Lucy is old enough, she can draw him a picture and put it in his stocking to help remember him by. For Christmas, Will gave me a beautiful necklace with Luke's birthstone on it. Lucy wore the necklace pinned on her dress over her heart to represent her brother in heaven when we had her Christmas pictures taken. It's times like that - Christmas pictures, hanging our stockings, and all of our other family traditions - that we really miss Luke.

The below picture was taken on Christmas Eve with Lucy in her PJ's, gesturing just how many presents she thought Santa was going to bring her.

Here Lucy is trying to figure out how to open her present from Santa.

Lucy found the boxes her toys came in even more interesting than the toys themselves!
By the end of the day, Will and I were the ones opening Lucy's presents. I think she was a little over stimulated by it all!

After opening presents at our house Christmas morning, we headed out to the cemetery to visit Luke and to decorate his grave blanket with Christmas ornaments. The weather was less than ideal. It was pouring rain and freezing cold. After we put the ornaments on his grave blanket, Will and I huddled with Lucy under our umbrella as we talked to Luke. All of a sudden a huge gust of wind surrounded us. It was so strong we had to put the umbrella sideways to keep the rain off of us. We felt like it was Luke wrapping us in a hug with the wind. It definitely choked us up. But then the wind wouldn't let up, and was literally pushing us towards our car. I think Luke wanted us to know that he is still with us, but that he wanted to see us get on with our day and enjoy Christmas with Lucy. We got the message and got out of the rain and headed to Grandma's house.
Lastly, here are some of the Christmas pictures we had taken of Lucy.

I like to think in this picture below, Lucy is looking up at Luke in Heaven.

This last one is a favorite of mine - to me it captures the joy of Christmas through a child's eyes.

Merry Christmas!

Seven Months

What a month it has been for our little Lucy! She is developing quite a personality which catches me by surprise more often than not. I feel privileged to watch the miracle of a new life growing, learning and changing before my very eyes every day. It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that she isn't staying the same. The growing, learning and changing is something we didn't get to watch Luke do. As much as I picture what he would have been like at one month, one year and now approaching closer to two years old, my visual memories of him are of the day he was born and of that same day where we had to say goodbye. He is forever immortalized as my newborn baby in my heart and mind. I have been missing him more than usual these past couple of weeks. Maybe with the upcoming holidays, or maybe because that is just how grief is. Thanksgiving does remind me of Luke though. One of the scariest days of my life was two years ago, the day before Thanksgiving, when we had an amnio to determine exactly what health issues Luke had. Then came the joyous news, on the day after Thanksgiving, that our baby would surely live! Such contrasting emotions on as complete opposite ends of the spectrum as you can get. The hope we were given on the day after Thanksgiving two years ago carried us through our first and last Christmas with Luke. I just remember Christmas morning when I was pregnant with Luke how Will and I couldn't wait until the following year when we could see Christmas through Luke's eyes. Part of me wishes that we knew that it was to be our only Christmas with Luke, and the other part of me realizes that at least we got one Christmas with Luke that was filled with innocent hope. Okay, so maybe the reason I have been missing Luke more than usual is because it's the holiday season now, and my family just doesn't feel complete without him here. But, Lucy is here now, and we are definitely looking forward to seeing Christmas through Lucy's eyes for the first time. And some day when she is old enough to understand, she will help us keep her brother's memory alive through the holiday season.

So, back to the personality that Lucy is developing! My favorite thing that Lucy learned this month is how to give hugs. She will put her hands on each side of our face and squeeze them together while pressing her face as hard as she can into ours. This is usually with her mouth open, so it is a very sloppy and wet hug but we love it! She also has become quite good at reaching for the parent she wants - usually it turns into a game, and she'll reach back and forth for Will and I until she's distracted by something else. Lucy has figured out that strangers like smiling at her, so now she will smile excitedly first when she sees a stranger in the store or at church. It breaks my heart though when some strangers either don't realize Lucy is smiling at them, or they just plain don't smile back. It makes me wonder if all humans are born with a heart so open they smile whenever they see another person and if over time, once the smile isn't returned enough times, their heart eventually loses that spark of joy as well. So sad! If only we all kept that joy into adulthood.

Lucy still has a special smile reserved just for her daddy. She loves to watch for him to come home from work. When Will is about five minutes away, we go to the couch next to the front window, and peak over the edge while we watch for Will to come home. When Will pulls in the driveway, Lucy starts smiling. Once Will gets out of the car - Lucy starts pumping her legs up and down, her little heart starts beating a mile a minute, and she starts panting in excitement. It is the cutest thing. Then her daddy walks through the door and she can hardly contain herself. Unfortunately Will can't scoop her right up because he has to wash all the germs off from school first. But then! Oh, it is priceless to watch her hug her daddy hello!

Lucy has also accomplished many things physically this past month. At the beginning of the month her left bottom front tooth popped through, and two days ago the right bottom front tooth also made it's debut. She is also sitting on her own better, and gets the biggest kick out of sitting in 'grown up' chairs by herself. Here she is in a rocking chair, smiling for the camera.

The picture below shows Lucy sitting in our new Amish-made chairs that were finally delivered from our vacation to Shipshewana this past summer.

Lucy loves to bang the keys on the piano - here she is making some beautiful noise.

Lucy has discovered tags, zippers and strings this past month. Forget the toy - she wants the tag attached to it! Here she is below playing with the tag on her doll Brenda.

Lucy started eating table food this month. Her 'gateway' food was rice cereal, and then avocado, sweet potato and bananas. Her favorite so far is definitely avocado.

Lucy tried sweet potatoes for the first time on Thanksgiving. It was great to have her at the table with us. Will and I alternated between feeding her so that we could pace ourselves with the turkey and stuffing.

Lucy is still having difficulties sleeping. We are now seeing a new doctor who we really like, and she seems to think that Lucy may have acid reflux. She referred us to a gastrologist this coming month to see if we can find a way to help our little Lucy sleep better. If you could keep us in your prayers so that we find the cause of Lucy's sleeplessness, we would really appreciate it!

We hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

LuLu the Littlest Lady Bug

Lucy was a Lady Bug for Halloween, and she helped make it the best Halloween ever for Will and I. We couldn't help but laugh every time we looked at her, and she would just stare back at us with a confused look on her face. She just couldn't figure out what was so funny!