A New Year

I can't say that Will and I are sad to see 2008 come to a close. It has been a difficult year to say the least and perhaps the hardest year Will and I have ever traveled through. In reflecting back on the year though, Will and I are trying to focus on the positive things. At the beginning of 2008 we were able to spend a lot of time with Luke going to doctor appointments almost every other day for him. I treasure my memories of him wiggling around inside of me, and pressing Will's hands to my stomach so he could experience the strength our son had. Then of course there was the day Luke was born, and we were finally able to hold him in our arms, and see his beautiful face. We had a summer filled with peace and healing that started off in June with a trip to Colorado to visit our dear Aunt Jeanette who surrounded us with love and wisdom, beautiful scenery and magnificent National Parks. The rest of our summer Will and I spent as much as possible hiking, walking and biking. For us, there is nothing more healing than time spent together outdoors. Then there was the day we found out we were pregnant with Lucy, and the day we heard her heartbeat for the first time on Will's birthday. Finally, our ultrasound in December where we found out that our baby girl was healthy. It is safe to say that Will and I are changed people from our 2008 journey. We have a renewed value for the miracle of human life, a deeper appreciation for our family and friends and a richer marriage. We also have a changed perspective on what truly matters in this life. Even still, we are happy to bring in 2009 and look with hope to the day we get to finally meet our daughter, hold her, cover her in kisses, see her first smile, change her dirty diapers, snuggle with her and tell her about her brother Luke. We are glad it is 2009.

This past Tuesday, Will's Grandma Timmerman passed away. Before Christmas she had fallen and hurt her hip. She mentioned at the time that she believed this was the beginning of the end for her. She was right. In the last couple days of her life, she suffered greatly but with grace. She was surrounded by all of her children when she died. Will was unable to say his goodbyes to her in person due to a severe flu epidemic at the nursing home, however his dad held up the phone to her ear and Will said goodbye that way. Will told her that he loved her, and asked her to hold Luke when she got to heaven, and to tell him just how much his mom and dad love him. I've only known Will's grandma the last eight years of her life, and have never really seen her interact with young children or babies. I couldn't picture her holding Luke in heaven. To put it nicely, she had made her children's lives difficult the last couple years of her life and didn't strike me as the cuddly type. In her final days though, she made a point to tell her children how much she loved each of them and asked their forgiveness for her imperfections. At the funeral home yesterday I got the chance to look over several photo boards that her children had put together. It was then that I was able to catch a glimpse of her before old age had overtaken her. In these pictures she was surrounded by her children and grandchildren. My favorite picture I saw was of her with a grandbaby just months old, curled up on her chest fast asleep. It was in that instant that I knew exactly what she and Luke were up to in heaven. They are both healthy and whole, and Luke is curled up and snuggled on his Great Grandma. I know she is whispering to him as he sleeps all about his dad and the family she so recently left on earth.

Today was Grandma Timmerman's funeral. The sun was shining down on us (a rare occurrence in January in Michigan) as we said our final goodbyes. It was so nice to have the entire family together - all seven children, thirteen granchildren and their significant others. I can't remember the last time everyone was together. It meant so much to Will and I that the family remembered Luke during the funeral and even on the spray of flowers on Grandma's casket with the ribbon that said Loving Great Grandmother. Today is what life is all about. Family and friends coming together to celebrate a life and to say goodbye for now until we are all together again.

It is our hope that 2009 is filled with hope, health and happiness for our family and friends.

Wee T.'s Name

Lucy Anne Timmerman

Lucy means bringer of light and our daughter has definitely done that for her parents. Lucy is also the feminine version of Luke. Will and I feel that Luke and Lucy will always have a special bond and we wanted that reflected in his little sister's name. The middle name Anne is from my favorite childhood books Anne of Green Gables. Coincidentally, the author of these beloved books was named Lucy too.

I have been calling Wee T. Lucy almost since we found out we were pregnant, and it just feels right. Will is the one who picked out her first name, and I immediately loved it (especially since it wasn't a flower name or Gertie like he'd been suggesting most recently).

I also never understood parents who revealed both the gender and the name of their child before they were born. I feel differently now. As I mentioned in my last blog, I am sorry that Luke's name wasn't publically known until after he was gone. Life is short and precious. Lucy deserves a name here and now.

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Will and I had a nice Christmas. There were some rough patches, especially at the cemetery this morning, but overall we are doing okay. I would have never imagined a year ago today that we would be standing at our son's grave on Christmas morning, instead of trying to get our 10 month old to open his presents and watch him play with the boxes they came in. Lucy just gave me a little kick as I type this though, and is a constant reminder that life does move on, but we will take our love for Luke with us until we are all together again.

Merry Christmas,
Love,
Liz, Will & Lucy with Luke forever in our hearts

Merry Christmas Eve

I've been wanting to post for the last couple of days, and finally got a moment. All of my cookies are baked and iced, the presents are wrapped, and the house is clean. Throughout all of these preparations, I can't help but wonder how things would have been with a 10 month old this Christmas. I probably wouldn't have been able to bake the 4 varieties of Christmas cookies, or leave the wrapped presents sitting under the tree. Oh how I wish things were different and Will and I could experience the joy of the Christmas season with Luke. Life doesn't always turn out the way that we had hoped or planned, and we just have to trust that God knows what he is doing. Luke is having his first Christmas in Heaven this year, and I can only image the joy that he gets to be a part of. We do have the hope of his baby sister kicking and wiggling inside of me which is helping us put our eyes toward the future and smile again.

As we look back on 2008, it has been quite a year. Will and I have felt the joys and sorrows of parenthood in a way that we hope few go through. We are grateful that we have two children - a son and a daughter. We are grateful for all of the blessings we have received through our supportive and loving families who have been with us through the loss of Luke. They continue to love Luke, and talk to us about him. This means the world to us that his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins still think about him, love him and miss him. We are also thankful for all of the friendships, new and old that have been strengthened through our son Luke. Truly during times of great pain do you find out who your friends are. We couldn't be more blessed than to have the friends we do. I would name you each individually, but I hope that I have been able to convey to you each personally just how much you have helped us. From feeding us, to listening, talking, hugging, crying, laughing and praying with us. My heart is full with gratitude and love.

I am excited to say that Will and I have finally decided on a name for Wee T. and would like everyone to come to know her better by announcing her name. I regret that we didn't have a name for Luke until after he was gone, and I will never make that mistake again. Since we do not know how long we get to have our children for, Will and I want to bond with and love on Wee T. as much as we can. It doesn't take being born to make you a person and a member of our family. Wee T. is a much loved member of our family right now and we can't wait to share with our family and friends her beautiful name. You will have to wait until tomorrow though, as we have made the unveiling of her name a part of the grandparents Christmas present, and we don't want to ruin the surprise.

So, until tomorrow.... Merry Christmas Eve!

Miracle

I wanted to share on this blog a recent realization that I came to about Luke. When I was pregnant with Luke, it never occured to Will and I that we could lose him. We were full of hope and believed that he was a strong fighter, and would make it through all of the tough surgeries ahead of him. It was a complete shock to us when we arrived in the ER concerned that we hadn't felt him move that day and the heartbeat monitor only picked up my heartbeat. The stillness of our constantly active baby on the ultrasound monitor will be an image Will and I will never forget. In that moment, we knew that we had lost him. Leaving the hospital with empty arms and only a head full of memories, a heart full of sadness and a camera full of pictures was one of the hardest things we ever had to do.

When we came home, we wanted to put reminders of Luke around us everywhere. I printed our favorite picture of Luke and put it in the only empty frame we had at the time - a frame that was given to us when we were pregnant that said "Miracle" across the bottom. Up until now, the irony of those words have always bothered me. How can it be a miracle that we are holding our dead son? How can it be a miracle that we had to leave the hospital without him? How can it be a miracle that we will never see his sweet face, or watch him grow on this earth? How can this endless pain that we are learning to live with on a daily basis be a miracle?

Two amazing women who have wonderful blogs have opened my eyes to the miracle this morning. EVERY life is a miracle. No matter how short. Luke's life has forever changed my life and that in itself is a miracle. Luke didn't have to utter a cry or feel any pain on this earth, and yet still is our son, and will live in our hearts forever - that is a miracle. All Luke ever felt was the love of his parents, and the warm enclosure of my stomach. When God decided it was Luke's time to go home, he took Luke while his parents were peacefully sleeping side by side. Miracle.

I am missing my Luke today as always.

Wee T's a She!

Yes, it's true! Wee T is a healthy baby girl. Will and I went in for our 20 week ultrasound this afternoon, and heard good news for the first time in the Royal Oak Fetal Imaging Department. It was amazing to us to see little Wee T's healthy spine, healthy three vessel umbilical cord, two kidneys, and a working stomach. Not to mention her healthy heart, brain and limbs. As far as they could see, everything is healthy with Wee T. She weighs about 10 ounces right now, and is average in all of her measurements. Luke was right when he told me that he would have a healthy baby sister. When the ultrasound tech was trying to get Wee T's measurements, we caught a glimpse of Wee T yawning. She seemed to be saying, "Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep here!" Little does she know just how happy her parents are to have her here with us.

Here's two of the pictures from this afternoon. One is her profile, the other is her caught in the middle of a wee yawn.

9 Months Ago...

...I held my baby boy. Nine months ago today, I had to say goodbye. I have now come to the point where I have missed my Luke longer than I had him with me. It is a strange thing to consider. I can still close my eyes and feel his warmth, and his weight in my arms. I can still smell his earthy, sweet baby smell. Every day, I still play back the events in my mind of the day we found out we lost him, the day we finally got to meet him. Such bittersweet memories. I would do it all again though, even knowing the ending. I am thankful for every day we got to have Luke with us, and although I wish it was longer, much, much longer, I am thankful. We have a son! A beautiful, sweet boy who is laughing and playing in heaven with all of our friends and family that have gone before us. A wonderful mom named Susan who cannot be on earth with her daughter - she is watching out for Luke for me and giving him the love only a mom can. My grandpa, who loved to rock in his great big rocking chair - he is rocking Luke for me. My Uncle Mike, who was always such a joker -he is making Luke laugh. My Great Uncle Bill - he is filling heaven with his great big hearty laugh, and making Luke smile. And Will's grandpa, who we never got to meet - I know he is loving Luke and making up for all the grandkids on earth that he never got to hold. So although my arms are empty and aching for my son, I know that he is well loved and taken care of in heaven. I hope our family and friends up there are telling Luke just how much he means to his parents, and just how much we love him.

Wee T was 17 weeks old on Monday. I am starting to feel her kick and wiggle more and more. This is my favorite part of being pregnant. She squirms at the most random times, and always brings a smile to my face when she does. Wee T has no idea yet just how happy she is making her mom and dad. On Monday, December 1 we have our first ultrasound scheduled. We are hoping to find out then that all is healthy with Wee T, and we are hoping to confirm her gender as well! I will post as soon as we hear anything. Until then, if you could keep us in your thoughts and prayers on December 1, we would appreciate it. We have so many memories attached with the fetal imaging department at Royal Oak Beaumont. We are hoping December 1 will be the first time we hear good news there. Either way, I know it will be emotional, but I really can't wait to catch our first real glimpse of Wee T.

Remembrance Service

On Monday evening, we went to a Remembrance Service at our church for all the families who have lost loved ones in the past year. Both of our parents came, and three of my siblings. It was very well done. Each deceased loved one's name was read during the service, along with the chime of a bell. A cross with Luke's name that laid on his casket during his funeral service was also presented to us. It was quite emotional, but we were happy for the chance to attend something in Luke's honor. After the service, my mom presented us with cookies she made for us that were hearts, with a hole in them to represent the hole in all of our hearts now that Luke is gone. They were so beautiful! It means a lot to Will and I to know that Luke is missed by more than just his parents.

I was 15 weeks on Monday. Wee T got to vote for the first time yesterday, and will have to wait at least another 18 years before she can do that again! God Bless America!