Merry Christmas Eve

I've been wanting to post for the last couple of days, and finally got a moment. All of my cookies are baked and iced, the presents are wrapped, and the house is clean. Throughout all of these preparations, I can't help but wonder how things would have been with a 10 month old this Christmas. I probably wouldn't have been able to bake the 4 varieties of Christmas cookies, or leave the wrapped presents sitting under the tree. Oh how I wish things were different and Will and I could experience the joy of the Christmas season with Luke. Life doesn't always turn out the way that we had hoped or planned, and we just have to trust that God knows what he is doing. Luke is having his first Christmas in Heaven this year, and I can only image the joy that he gets to be a part of. We do have the hope of his baby sister kicking and wiggling inside of me which is helping us put our eyes toward the future and smile again.

As we look back on 2008, it has been quite a year. Will and I have felt the joys and sorrows of parenthood in a way that we hope few go through. We are grateful that we have two children - a son and a daughter. We are grateful for all of the blessings we have received through our supportive and loving families who have been with us through the loss of Luke. They continue to love Luke, and talk to us about him. This means the world to us that his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins still think about him, love him and miss him. We are also thankful for all of the friendships, new and old that have been strengthened through our son Luke. Truly during times of great pain do you find out who your friends are. We couldn't be more blessed than to have the friends we do. I would name you each individually, but I hope that I have been able to convey to you each personally just how much you have helped us. From feeding us, to listening, talking, hugging, crying, laughing and praying with us. My heart is full with gratitude and love.

I am excited to say that Will and I have finally decided on a name for Wee T. and would like everyone to come to know her better by announcing her name. I regret that we didn't have a name for Luke until after he was gone, and I will never make that mistake again. Since we do not know how long we get to have our children for, Will and I want to bond with and love on Wee T. as much as we can. It doesn't take being born to make you a person and a member of our family. Wee T. is a much loved member of our family right now and we can't wait to share with our family and friends her beautiful name. You will have to wait until tomorrow though, as we have made the unveiling of her name a part of the grandparents Christmas present, and we don't want to ruin the surprise.

So, until tomorrow.... Merry Christmas Eve!

Miracle

I wanted to share on this blog a recent realization that I came to about Luke. When I was pregnant with Luke, it never occured to Will and I that we could lose him. We were full of hope and believed that he was a strong fighter, and would make it through all of the tough surgeries ahead of him. It was a complete shock to us when we arrived in the ER concerned that we hadn't felt him move that day and the heartbeat monitor only picked up my heartbeat. The stillness of our constantly active baby on the ultrasound monitor will be an image Will and I will never forget. In that moment, we knew that we had lost him. Leaving the hospital with empty arms and only a head full of memories, a heart full of sadness and a camera full of pictures was one of the hardest things we ever had to do.

When we came home, we wanted to put reminders of Luke around us everywhere. I printed our favorite picture of Luke and put it in the only empty frame we had at the time - a frame that was given to us when we were pregnant that said "Miracle" across the bottom. Up until now, the irony of those words have always bothered me. How can it be a miracle that we are holding our dead son? How can it be a miracle that we had to leave the hospital without him? How can it be a miracle that we will never see his sweet face, or watch him grow on this earth? How can this endless pain that we are learning to live with on a daily basis be a miracle?

Two amazing women who have wonderful blogs have opened my eyes to the miracle this morning. EVERY life is a miracle. No matter how short. Luke's life has forever changed my life and that in itself is a miracle. Luke didn't have to utter a cry or feel any pain on this earth, and yet still is our son, and will live in our hearts forever - that is a miracle. All Luke ever felt was the love of his parents, and the warm enclosure of my stomach. When God decided it was Luke's time to go home, he took Luke while his parents were peacefully sleeping side by side. Miracle.

I am missing my Luke today as always.

Wee T's a She!

Yes, it's true! Wee T is a healthy baby girl. Will and I went in for our 20 week ultrasound this afternoon, and heard good news for the first time in the Royal Oak Fetal Imaging Department. It was amazing to us to see little Wee T's healthy spine, healthy three vessel umbilical cord, two kidneys, and a working stomach. Not to mention her healthy heart, brain and limbs. As far as they could see, everything is healthy with Wee T. She weighs about 10 ounces right now, and is average in all of her measurements. Luke was right when he told me that he would have a healthy baby sister. When the ultrasound tech was trying to get Wee T's measurements, we caught a glimpse of Wee T yawning. She seemed to be saying, "Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep here!" Little does she know just how happy her parents are to have her here with us.

Here's two of the pictures from this afternoon. One is her profile, the other is her caught in the middle of a wee yawn.

9 Months Ago...

...I held my baby boy. Nine months ago today, I had to say goodbye. I have now come to the point where I have missed my Luke longer than I had him with me. It is a strange thing to consider. I can still close my eyes and feel his warmth, and his weight in my arms. I can still smell his earthy, sweet baby smell. Every day, I still play back the events in my mind of the day we found out we lost him, the day we finally got to meet him. Such bittersweet memories. I would do it all again though, even knowing the ending. I am thankful for every day we got to have Luke with us, and although I wish it was longer, much, much longer, I am thankful. We have a son! A beautiful, sweet boy who is laughing and playing in heaven with all of our friends and family that have gone before us. A wonderful mom named Susan who cannot be on earth with her daughter - she is watching out for Luke for me and giving him the love only a mom can. My grandpa, who loved to rock in his great big rocking chair - he is rocking Luke for me. My Uncle Mike, who was always such a joker -he is making Luke laugh. My Great Uncle Bill - he is filling heaven with his great big hearty laugh, and making Luke smile. And Will's grandpa, who we never got to meet - I know he is loving Luke and making up for all the grandkids on earth that he never got to hold. So although my arms are empty and aching for my son, I know that he is well loved and taken care of in heaven. I hope our family and friends up there are telling Luke just how much he means to his parents, and just how much we love him.

Wee T was 17 weeks old on Monday. I am starting to feel her kick and wiggle more and more. This is my favorite part of being pregnant. She squirms at the most random times, and always brings a smile to my face when she does. Wee T has no idea yet just how happy she is making her mom and dad. On Monday, December 1 we have our first ultrasound scheduled. We are hoping to find out then that all is healthy with Wee T, and we are hoping to confirm her gender as well! I will post as soon as we hear anything. Until then, if you could keep us in your thoughts and prayers on December 1, we would appreciate it. We have so many memories attached with the fetal imaging department at Royal Oak Beaumont. We are hoping December 1 will be the first time we hear good news there. Either way, I know it will be emotional, but I really can't wait to catch our first real glimpse of Wee T.

Remembrance Service

On Monday evening, we went to a Remembrance Service at our church for all the families who have lost loved ones in the past year. Both of our parents came, and three of my siblings. It was very well done. Each deceased loved one's name was read during the service, along with the chime of a bell. A cross with Luke's name that laid on his casket during his funeral service was also presented to us. It was quite emotional, but we were happy for the chance to attend something in Luke's honor. After the service, my mom presented us with cookies she made for us that were hearts, with a hole in them to represent the hole in all of our hearts now that Luke is gone. They were so beautiful! It means a lot to Will and I to know that Luke is missed by more than just his parents.

I was 15 weeks on Monday. Wee T got to vote for the first time yesterday, and will have to wait at least another 18 years before she can do that again! God Bless America!

Joyous

This past weekend, Will and I had the honor of standing up in the wedding of my oldest friend, Lindsay in Saugatuck, Michigan. We have known each other since 5th grade and I have always felt an 'other' world connection with her. No matter where our lives take us - different colleges, different cities, different states, the connection is always there. She has been such a blessing in my life. This past weekend can be summed up into one word: Joyous. Lindsay and Jim, your wedding was absolutly beautiful. The flowers, The Belvedere, the dress, the bride, the groom, the autumn colors, the details. But that just describes the background. What was truly beautiful was the love that you both clearly share, and the way that both of your amazing families and friends came together. The utter joy and happiness that you could almost reach out and touch. I kept thinking as I watched your guests dance and interact that this is what heaven must be like. The love, happiness and JOY was tangible. It was an amazing weekend. Thank you Lindsay and Jim for giving us the chance to share in such joy. On a side note, Wee T was happy that she got to dance to Abba's Dancing Queen for the first time with her mom's friends.

On Sunday, we were able to take Wee T for a hike to see Lake Michigan. The fall colors were amazing. We were slightly disappointed though that when we got to the last sand dune, we couldn't go over it to see the water because the wind was so strong and sand was blowing everywhere. We did hear the water though, and it sounded like an ocean! Either way, it was a nice ending to a wonderful weekend.

I was 14 weeks on Monday and am into the second trimester now. This is supposed to be the honeymoon trimester where the morning sickness is all but gone and I'm not big enough to be uncomfortable yet. I keep reminding myself to appreciate it!

Wee T's Heartbeat!

Yesterday was Will's birthday, and about a month ago I had the brilliant idea of making the heartbeat appointment for our little one on his birthday for a meaningful present. As the appointment got closer, I started to panic though. What if we heard bad news? What if they couldn't find the heartbeat? The last time Will and I went in to hear our baby's heartbeat, we found out that Luke was gone. Needless to say, our wonderful doctor found the heartbeat, but it took a few panic stricken seconds where I know both Will's and my heart felt like they stopped. Never have we heard such a sweet sound though, as little Wee T's heartbeat. Thank God! So, it did end up being a great birthday present for Will.

And yes, Wee T is the nickname we are giving our new little one, and from here on out (until testing proves otherwise!) I will be referring to Wee T as a she/her to avoid using 'it'. Baby T will always be Luke's so we felt like we needed something different for this baby. Fortunately, when talking to my friend Lindsay about our search for a name, her fiance (soon to be husband this coming Saturday!) Jim came up with Wee T, which Will and I both thought was so cute. We won't go into where Jim got this name from, but will say that we are still waiting to hear back from him on what Wee T's super powers are.

Wee T has had an eventful week - Wee T was on the 11 o'clock news on Friday night for a financial segment, and then traveled to Kalamazoo on Saturday for Lindsay's bachelorette party. Wee T even got to sip on some non-alcoholic martini's that Piper and Stacy so thoughtfully made. Then on Sunday, she got to go to a good friend's baptism, where her Mom and Dad were so honored to be the Godparents of baby Killian. Wee T rounded out the busy couple of days by showing off her heartbeat for her Dad's birthday.

Luke would have been 8 months on Sunday. Lukey, we love you! Please keep Wee T safe!