February 2019

February was cold and involved a lot of hibernating.  On top of the bleak weather, February is the month where my heart is the most heavy missing Luke.  Looking at the below pictures though, I can see how with each other, we got through a tough month.  Here are the kids below in clockwise order from top left: Emma, decoding Leonardo Da Vinci's secret code writing, the girls enjoying homemade waffles and home school, Emma and Lucy holding up their art work from their latest art class at the local art center by our house, and finally, Violet reading to me from one of her favorite books - The Lady with the Alligator Purse.

 Lots of fun was had indoors because of the weather.  In clockwise order from top left: Violet hiding under the piano bench, Emma and Violet with their Baby Sister Playpen that they invented to keep Opal out of what they were playing with, playing with Duplos, playing with packaging materials, and Violet's hands after working on an art project.

The girls love spending time with Will, and because he is gone for work a lot of the time, he becomes even more special to them when he is home.  Will also cracked the code of the Rubix cube (with some help from YouTube) that he got Emma for Christmas.  Or did he get it for himself?  It took about two weeks to solve it, and then about twenty seconds with Opal to scramble it up again.

One morning I opened up the curtains and saw a mama deer and her two babies in the wildflower garden beds in our yard.  Our bees are all still alive, despite the harsh winter we have been having and one day this past month when we had a temporary warm up, we found a honey bee on our drive way that was struggling to make it's way home.  Will got it onto a stick and helped it back.

Lucy has been sewing up a storm this winter, and she was super excited to have her herbal eye masks  to sell at my latest bee event.  Between the event and posting them on social media, she sold out.  She is saving up to have her ears pierced, and now the only thing between her and pierced ears is us finding a place to have them done.

The bee event was a family affair, which is how I like it best. Will's flexibility and the kids' willingness to help really make for a lovely, although exhausting, family day for us.  I love how something that we enjoy is also teaching them so many life skills.

Besides the bee event, we didn't get out too much this past month.  We did go and visit one of our favorite Girl Scouts and support her the best we could via cookie purchases, and I also braved a big shopping trip at our local craft store with all four girls in tow.  They usually love going to the craft store, but by the end of this one, they were cranky and so was I.  In the check out line they spotted their favorite Big-Eyed stuffed animals, as they call them, and gave me their own Big-Eyes Begging.  Of course, I gave in, but they had to use their own money.  Life skills, baby!

 We enjoyed time outdoors when the weather was warm enough.  I took the kids to the local elementary school sledding hill...

 ...we went hiking, and I also tried out the ice on a pond near us.  The bottom, right hand picture below is of a sunset from our front porch that the girls took for me.

 Our own driveway had a huge patch of ice that the girls enjoyed playing on...

...and Charlie enjoyed snuggles from me as with gloves and a winter coat on, I am protected from cat-induced hives!  He's such a lover boy, and I wish every day that I wasn't so allergic to him.  And yes, in the bottom, left-hand picture I am singing to him.

 I tackled a fever and taxes all on the same day this past month, despite security issues where I ended up needing to use two computers and my phone to log in and do what I needed to do with various banks and accounting software.  Based on how complicated it is to log in to my own accounts, I have no idea how hackers have such an easy time with other people's accounts.

 One weekend, I decided to make a bunch of pies for the freezer.  Chicken pot pie and mixed berry pies for the win!  As I type this, they are all gone and I'm thinking another pie day is in order soon.

We celebrated Valentine's Day with fresh donuts from the local donut shop and homemade cards and store bought chocolates.

We also did our best to celebrate Luke's 11th birthday.  It is so hard to believe it has been over a decade since we saw his sweet face and held him for the first and last time in our arms.  While certain aspects of the missing get easier with time, it is still a day that for the most part is something that I dread.  We released one balloon this year, and I continue to be torn about the environmental impact of this tradition.  It means so much to my kids though, and for them, they believe that the balloon goes from their hands to the hands of Luke in heaven.  I wish that his birthday was during butterfly season and we could release butterflies to heaven, but alas, it is not.

The day of Luke's birthday was quiet, and I am sad to report that I had no signs from Luke.  I spent much of the day trying not to be cranky, and feeling a type of loneliness that is hard to describe.  The very next day though, when we went to the craft store and the kids each got to buy a stuffed animal, Lucy realized hers had the same birthday as Luke.  I think that was a sign, although it would have been nice on his birthday to feel his presence.

We ate all of the foods I craved while pregnant with him, and I made a yummy chocolate cake for dessert.  My sister sent us something called Wish Paper that you write a wish on and then hold over a candle.  As it burns, it causes the paper to float up into the air and all that remains is the wish you wrote on it.  I'm hoping that this can be our tradition in the future, and it meant a lot to me that my sister found this for us.

Eleven years have gone by, and we have celebrated Luke's birthday much the same way each year.  This year, I started feeling that I wanted to do something different.  My kids however love the routine and tradition.  Perhaps next year though, we will all find a solution that honors all of our needs.  Here is Luke's family below, hopefully creating a legacy of love on earth for him, so that when we are all together again, he will be so proud of all of us.

It's the simple truth when I say that I am always glad when February is over.  For me, Luke's birthday each year is the darkest day of the winter.  Once his birthday has passed, my soul is ready to shed the weight and darkness of sadness and embrace spring, weathered but lighter, and hopefully wiser and more at peace as well.