Luke's 7th Birthday

It has been seven years since I held Luke in my arms.  Seven years since we said hello and goodbye.

I think about Luke every single day, just as I think about my other children.  But there is an added level of sadness with my thoughts about Luke on significant holidays.  With the anniversary of his birth and death, my thoughts become nostalgic and full of ache.  I wish that I could go back in time and prepare my young, hopeful self for a tragedy that I never imagined would happen to me.  I think about moments in time where I found the strength to say goodbye to Luke for the final time and watch the nurses take him away from me.  Or how not even 24 hours after giving birth I was hobbling through a frigid and wind swept cemetery to pick out my baby's grave plot.  Seven years ago today I became a different person.  Not only did immeasurable sadness fill my heart leaving a deeply engraved hole, but I also experienced for the first time in my life the tangible Grace of God.  There were moments throughout Luke's birth and funeral where a peace that surpasses all understanding surrounded Will and I.  We could almost smell heaven, we felt God's grace that much.  Luke's birth and death are not just sad to us.  He is our son, and we are proud of him, and love him as much as we love Lucy, Emma and Violet.

So, how do you celebrate a day so laden with pain and joy?  How do you honor your son when he is not here?  Well, first we went to the balloon store.

Then we awkwardly explained to the sweet woman behind us in line who the balloons are for when she asked us who's turning seven.  Bless her heart that she didn't shy away from us, but engaged us in a meaningful conversation even when it became uncomfortable.  She showed us true bravery and compassion.  In fact, all of my friends and family who have honored Luke with their love, remembrance and silent prayers have all shown us true bravery and compassion.  It is so hard to know the right thing to say or do in this type of situation, and yet our loved ones reached out to us still.  I cannot tell you how much that means to us.  I am especially grateful for the gift of my Godson's mama, who bravely answered my question about what a seven year old boy on earth would be like to mother.

We made birdseed ornaments with ice this year since we are in a record cold snap.  I forgot to take pictures of the finished product, so I will try and post them in my next blog post.  We then made a grocery list for all of the birthday foods and Will went to the store and picked up the ingredients.  

The girls were inspired to draw multiple pictures of them with Luke, and spent most of the morning coloring for their brother.   Lucy came up with the idea around lunchtime to make rubber band bracelets for Luke to attach to the balloons when we let them go, so that Luke can have rubber band bracelets in heaven.  She ended up turning the bracelets into rings so that the balloons would still float.  Each balloon had a ring on it, with special colors and patterns, exactly what Lucy thought Luke would like.

We went to the cemetery after lunch, as we were hoping to be there at the warmest part of the day.  It was 4 degrees when we arrived.  God only knows what the windchill was, as the breeze was so strong it made Emma cry.  Fortunately Will remembered to bring the shovel, and he cleared a path to Luke's grave while the rest of us stayed warm in the car.  Violet napped and Lucy, Emma and I munched on Tootsie Rolls - my favorite candy when I was pregnant with Luke.

We let our balloons go and laughed when mine got stuck and then cheered when it broke free and continued on its path to heaven.  Will's got stuck too, but didn't break free.  Lucy reminded Will not to worry though, because when we bought the balloons the day prior, Will's balloon broke free and made it's way heaven-bound while we watched in the parking lot.  The balloon store gave him a new one for free.

While we were at Luke's grave, Will got a text from work saying that school was canceled for tomorrow due to the extreme cold.  The timing was nice, and we couldn't help but think of it as a gift from Luke.

We ate all of Luke's favorite foods from when I was pregnant with him - cinnamon rolls and eggs for breakfast, grilled cheese, Clausen pickles, potato chips and frozen pears for lunch, and beef roast for dinner.

For Luke's birthday dessert, the girls and I made Thunder Cake, which is a chocolate cake recipe from one of our favorite illustrated books by Patricia Polacco by the same title.  In the book, the cake is made by a grandmother and her grand daughter to help the little girl overcome her fear of thunder.  There is a secret ingredient in the recipe, which we cringed when we added, but it turned out tasting fine.  It was a toss up if the secret ingredient was the pureed tomatoes I added, or the piece of hair I found in my first bite when we were eating it.  At the last minute I decided to ice the cake with my grandma's frosting recipe because I realized I didn't have the ingredients for the icing the book called for and I didn't feel right about sending Will out for the third time in record cold for another ingredient we had forgotten to put on our list.  It was nice, making my grandma's frosting, and picturing her with Luke in heaven.  It tasted good too, just how I remembered she made it, except hers was on a German Chocolate cake with sweetened coconut sprinkled on top of the frosting.

It was a relaxing day, spent with our little family on earth.  We didn't get a chance to read our signature Luke books, but we did listen to Luke songs on repeat throughout the day which was nice.  Violet kept me from dwelling on any emotion for very long, which perhaps was a blessing as I believe the secret to a good day is living it fully in the present.  This is tricky, when you are celebrating a life that is now in the past but meeting the demands of my earthly children kept me grounded and happy.  The weather was painfully cold, but it did result in us staying cozy and warm in our little house, enjoying our blessings without any outside pressures - Will's work was canceled and the girls yoga class was as well.  

All in all it was a good day.  Thank you Luke, for choosing us for your family and for showing us a glimpse of heaven through you.  Happy birthday sweet boy.