Happy Halloween!

We began our Halloween festivities at our local farmer's market on Saturday where the vendors had trick or treating for the kids. It was a lot of fun, and a great way to say goodbye to the farmer's market until spring.  Lucy was a huge hit with the kids.  You would have thought Lucy was the next big thing, because throughout the morning random kids would shriek "ELMO" and practically pass out from excitement when they saw Lucy.  

People had no idea that Emma was Oscar the Grouch, and instead commented on her cute hat, and asked where we got it.  When I informed them that the fur was supposed to be a grouchy eyebrow, they either gave an awkward laugh or just stared.  So much for the homemade costume!  

And speaking of homemade costumes, when we were leaving JoAnne Fabric last week with the items for Emma's costume Lucy stopped us in the check out line, and with a look of horror on her face proclaimed, "What about Simone!?!"  She then proceeded to tell us that Simone was going to be Abby Cadabby, Elmo's pink and purple fairy friend on Sesame Street.  She was so convinced of this, we went back and picked out some pink and purple felt and pipe cleaners to create Simone an outfit too.  Below are the three Muppets along with the head Muppet Handler taking a break at the farmer's market.

The following day we visited the cemetery and put a pumpkin on Luke's grave.  We had hoped to get Emma in the picture too, but she was fast asleep in the car and we didn't have the heart to wake her up.

After the cemetery, we went to a family Halloween-themed birthday party where Lucy had a ton of fun running around with her cousins, playing Halloween games with the big kids and eating candy.  Here she is below with Will's cousin Jake who wrapped her up like a mummy.

Here's the family tonight, minutes before trick or treating.

Not only was it Emma's first Halloween, but her cousin Ellen's as well.  We had a great time with my brothers John and Mike, sister-in-law Jenna, niece Ellen, sister Jane and her boyfriend Matt.  Here's Ellen the football with her biggest cheerleader, mom and football star, dad.

 Here's Emma wanting out of her trash can.

My proud brother Mike looking at his cute little football girl.

This picture of Lucy was surprisingly taken BEFORE trick or treating where she was wound up on pure excitement!

Below is my brother John getting smiles out of Emma and proving that she really is no grouch.

Elmo decided that we needed to go trick or treating NOW!

Here Lucy is waiting by the pumpkins we carved, while the adults gathered coats, costumes and babies for trick or treating.

 Here's the gang trick or treating.  Every time Lucy got candy from a house she would quietly and shyly say "thank you" and then turn and run for her Aunt Jane while yelling at the top of her lungs, "AUNT JANE, I GOT MORE CANDY!"

 And finally, here is Lucy getting a lift between houses.  She made out pretty good this year and had a blast.

We hope you had a blast too!  Happy Halloween!

You and me baby are stuck like glue

This past week Emma celebrated her half birthday!  When Lucy turned six months, we celebrated with a fall photo shoot so we decided to carry on that tradition.  It was a lot harder this time around to get two kids looking at the camera.  Emma was freezing cold and more interested in eating leaves than smiling, and Lucy was hard-pressed to sit still.  The three 'unique' pumpkins came from our garden.  Below is our best attempt at showcasing both children and pumpkins.

Here is the photo from Lucy's half birthday fall photo shoot two years ago.  I like to compare Lucy and Emma pictures and see how similar and yet how different they both are.

Emma is such a big girl, now that she is half a year old.  This past month we introduced solid foods to her.  First, we brought up Lucy's old high chair from the basement and let Emma get a feel for sitting in it.  We even gave her an empty bowl to try out.

She seemed to pass these steps with flying colors, so we decided she was ready to try something a little more substantial.  We were temporarily delayed however, as we couldn't find any of our rubber coated baby spoons from Lucy (Will thinks I donated them, which is entirely possible - if we haven't used it in a year, out it goes!).  But then last weekend when we were at our local supermarket making the samples round, we realized the little black plastic spoon that came along with the bite of cake in the paper cup was perfect for a baby spoon!  

So far, she has eaten rice cereal, bananas, butternut squash and applesauce.  Banana is her favorite but she gags every time she tries the squash.  I can't really blame her, as I prefer butter, cinnamon and brown sugar on mine and she can't have those ingredients yet.  Until then, I mix the squash with a bit of apple sauce and she only makes mild grimaces when the food touches her mouth.

It seems Emma is starting to exhibit more of her own personality.  As much as I have tried to let her be her own person, I need to admit that I have been routing for Emma to be the 'laid back' sister.  And although she may be laid back in certain aspects she is definitely beginning to show her own stubborn streak.  She also has become a genuine 'mama's girl' and refuses to be with anyone else if she can see me.  For some reason, this has taken me by surprise as I only assumed that subsequent children naturally accept that their parents have divided attention.  Nope, Emma could care less that it is difficult for me to cut her older sister's food, wipe mouths and bottoms, cook meals and generally run a household one-handed.  She is stuck to me like glue.  She can hold out for hours, screaming until I can feed her or rock her to sleep.  It makes having evening plans almost impossible and extremely stressful for babysitters.  And as tiring as it is to be someone's one and only, I melt whenever she cries and reaches for me.  So I guess it is a two way street and a better description would be that we are like Velcro.

Fortunately, Emma does peel herself off of me for plenty of floor time.  She loves to be on the floor next to Lucy while playing and rolls to whatever it is she wants.  

She even gets up on her hands and knees to rock back and forth, causing a bolt of terror to run down my spine as I realize it is probably time to re-baby-proof the house.

Besides being a mama's girl, she is also Lucy's number one fan.  She lights up whenever Lucy comes into the room, and wants to be wherever Lucy is.  Lucy is the only one that can make her laugh uncontrollably and just when I think Lucy really hurt her, Emma breaks out in giddy laughter.  Emma adores Lucy.  Here Emma is below playing baby doll with Lucy in the bouncer...

in the doll stroller...

 and in Lucy's play car.

Emma eventually gets her fill, and finds her way back in my arms.

She has been a little Miss Fussy Pants lately.  Her crying really flusters me, and I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on whatever task is at hand when she is upset.  This past month I shook up a container of orange juice with the cap off, left a cup of water filling in the fridge door and didn't notice until the water spilled into the dining room, and almost blew through a stop sign.  Fortunately, none of these incidents happened on the same day, and I did stop halfway into the intersection with only a mild reprimand from my backseat driver - "Whoooa, Mom!"  We are hoping that she is cutting teeth and that this fussy phase will go as fast as it came.  Until then, stay tuned for next month's post and I will end this one with a picture of Emma at her very first annual Timmerman Apple Picking event.

Apparently the only person looking at the camera was the only person interested in the numerous aunts, uncles and cousins behind the camera who were jumping up and down and making strange noises.

Model Citizen

My neighbor summed up this past month with Lucy quite nicely the other day.  He told me that he hadn't heard any defiant screams of NO! or out of control crying lately.  I told him that is probably because it's been cooler out and our windows are now closed.  But seriously, even with the closed windows, he is mostly right. Lucy has had a great month.  She has been helpful when Emma is fussing and plays really well on her own most of the day.  She is taking solid naps again and sleeping well still at night.

That is not to say that we don't have our setbacks still.  A couple of weeks ago she had a horrible bladder infection that seemed to come out of nowhere.  She lost all control of her bladder, and would just stand helpless as puddles formed around her and she screamed in pain.  If you know Lucy, not having control of her bladder was almost as bad as the pain.  At one point, there were seven different puddles strewn about the first floor of our house with random cloths thrown on them - a baby blanket on one, kitchen towels on another, bath towels on yet another.  They were happening so fast all I could do was grab the nearest absorbent object, throw it on the puddle, and comfort her.  Earlier that day we had taken her to the doctor for an emergency visit because she was in so much pain and peeing blood.  That doctor visit will go down in the record books as one of my most stellar mom moments.  There I was in the doctor's office bathroom with Emma strapped to me in a carrier, squatting next to a toilet holding a little plastic cup under Lucy who was perched above while I pleaded with her to pee in the cup.  I tried every tactic I could think of to convince Lucy to pee.  As my legs grew numb and Emma's fussing turned to full on screams I grew desperate.  I wondered if the nursing staff could hear Lucy's screams over Emma's.  I hoped that no one was waiting to use the bathroom.  Finally, I said something no mother should ever say - "Lucy, I'll give you anything you want if you pee in this cup.  Anything.  You name it and it's yours!"  As my mouth said the words my stomach clenched and I immediately started regretting it.  What would she come up with?  I was really in trouble now.  Lucy looked me in the eyes, stopped crying and told me without pausing, "I want two juice boxes and Elmo stickers."  "DONE!"  I replied with a ton of relief.  Her eyes had not unlocked from mine though, and she repeated, "TWO juice boxes mom.  AND stickers."  And with that she filled up the cup.  Once she hopped down I was faced with the dilemma of whether or not the top for the cup that had earlier dropped in the toilet would flush down or if I had to pull it out.  As I reached my hand in the public toilet, I told myself at least Lucy didn't demand a Barbie Dream House and hot dogs every night for dinner for the rest of her life.  I am happy to report that the antibiotic worked within the first eight hours and Lucy has been fine ever since.

Yup, Lucy has been a model citizen and we think it is because she now has an alter ego who does all of the bad things that Lucy used to do.  Simone has taken over where Lucy has left off.  Lucy is forever telling us of the things that Simone has done.  The other day she told me, "Mom, Simone just pooped on the floor.  On the carpet.  With no pants on Mom!"  My response, "Wow, what did you tell Simone after she did that?"  Lucy, "I told her, 'Simone, no pooping on the floor!  Poop only on the potty.  Poop is dirty Simone!'"  Then, a brief moment later Lucy added, "Mom, can you clean it up please?"  Or she will tell me, "Mom, Simone just woke up Emma.  I told her, 'No Moan, you can't wake Emma up!  She is sleeping!' But she wouldn't listen Mom.  She just woked her up."  Even better, after Will tucked Lucy in last night she called Will back up stairs multiple times because "Simone isn't eating right dad.  I think she needs to burp."  and also, "Simone is hurting me dad - I told her 'No Moan!  No hitting!' but she keeps hurting my arm dad."  I'm thinking of maybe getting a special doll-sized chair for Simone to sit in for some quiet time when she acts up.

Lucy continues to be a picky eater, although she eats the most odd things at times.  She loves helping herself now to the fridge, and continues to drive me crazy by leaving the door wide open.  I tried explaining to her about the baby penguins and how we need to conserve energy, but she doesn't seem too concerned.

 Here she is below eating salsa out of the container with a spoon.  Now keep in mind she would never eat a tomato cut up on her plate, but a vat of salsa?  Apparently that's different.

 Lucy likes to think outside of the box when it comes to her vegetables, as last week she ate a mushroom in the backyard.  Again, she would never have eaten it if we had put it on her plate and told her it was dinner.  We freaked out and called poison control who was super helpful.  They even called back twice in the following 24 hours to monitor Lucy's condition.  She fortunately was no worse for the wear, but gained some new material to tell people that Simone did.

The other day when we were shopping at Kohl's, Lucy saw a double seater shopping cart available, and decided it was perfect for her and Simone.  Slightly annoyed I told her no, I wasn't going to push that big thing around with one hand because I had Emma already in a front carrier on me.  A sales lady overheard the conversation and misunderstood - she thought Lucy was fighting me and wouldn't go in the shopping cart.  This well meaning but highly aggravating woman picked Lucy up and put her in the shopping cart while telling her that she should be a good listener for her mommy.  The good fortune was not lost on Lucy and she shot me a smile as she was placed in the cart.  Deciding it wasn't worth fighting I placed Simone in the front seat and off we went.  As we were waiting in line after we were done shopping, Lucy started telling me about how there were three Christmas trees next to us, one for Lucy, Emma and Simone as she pointed to her upheld three fingers.  An older woman behind me was listening and asked which one was Simone, as she loved that name.  Slightly embarrassed, I pointed to the doll in the front seat of the double shopping cart and watched as the woman took a step back and said, "Oh, I thought you had another daughter in school."  Needless to say, she was not amused.  Awkward silence ensued as we waited for what seemed like forever for it to be our turn.

Life is never dull at our house.  I did discover a great alternative to a Pack and Play (a.k.a. portable crib and play pen) though.  Lucy and Emma actually sat in here long enough for me to throw together dinner.  Priceless!

A message from heaven

Fall especially reminds me of Luke.  Since he was my first pregnancy, my experience with morning sickness and other early pregnancy symptoms are still vivid in my memory and they took place in the fall.  The smell of ripening tomatoes on the counter, the chill in the air, apple picking and back to school all bring me back to when he was here with me.  I still have a hard time eating tomatoes, and it's not so much the taste as it is the smell.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and wonder how his personality would have unfolded and what types of things he would have done to drive me crazy and melt my heart.  I wonder how he would interact with Lucy and Emma.

The other day as I was tucking Lucy into bed for the night she had me retell the story of before she was born.  I told her again of how Luke visited me in a dream one night as she was growing in my tummy.  In that dream, Luke told me that I was going to have a healthy baby girl named Lucy.  She interrupted me in the story and asked, "Lukey called you on your phone, mom?"  I told her I wish, but that people can't call you on the phone when they are in heaven.  Instead, they can visit us in our dreams to tell us things.  But geez, how great would that be if we could just dial up heaven?

Last week Lucy picked out the story Puff the Magic Dragon from her bookshelf to read before bed.  I had never read it to her before, but I had read it to Luke, and I had completely forgotten about it until I started reading it to Lucy and the words choked up in my throat.  I read to Luke often when I was pregnant with him - I had lots of free time then, since I didn't have any other kids to chase around!  Will even took a picture of me reading this exact book to Luke.  Based on the date of the picture, I am estimating that I was 33 weeks here - two weeks before we lost Luke.  It hurts to see the happiness and hope on my face.  Little did we know how short our time was with Luke, and how much a simple story would mean to me over three and a half years later.

Luke continues to show us his presence in subtle ways.  Last month I enlarged a photo of our family from Emma's baptism to hang in our bedroom.  This picture held special significance, as it is part of the tradition we started in front of the stained glass window at our church where Luke was laid out in front of at his funeral.  At Lucy's baptism we made sure to get a picture of the three of us in front of the window as a way to include Luke's memory in the day.  With Emma's baptism, we continued the tradition.  It became an obsession for me to make sure we got a picture in front of that window before the baptism so I wouldn't have to worry about it during the ceremony.  Things did not go smoothly however, and our camera's memory card was full and we didn't have a backup.  My dad tried taking it with his camera but accidentally hit a button that changed a setting and he couldn't get it to work.  Finally, the priest came over to us and asked us to go sit down so he could get started.  Reluctantly, we sat down but I couldn't keep my mind off trying to get that picture.  As soon as the baptism was over, we went back and tried the picture again.  My dad had figured out his camera and took a couple of pictures.  I didn't think about it again until I ordered one of the photos in a 5x7.  As I was hanging it up in our bedroom, my eyes locked in on a fifth person in the picture.  There in the stained glass window, perfectly positioned between us was a little boy looking at Will.

Now I know why we couldn't get the photo on the first try.  We weren't standing in the right spot!  I like to believe that Luke is showing us that although we can't see him, or call him up on the phone, that he is still very much present with us, every day.  We love you Lukey!

Emma's 5 Months!

Emma is a week into her fifth month, and I am just getting a chance to sit down and type up this post.  With Will back at work, my free moments are even fewer and farther between than before.  There are definitely more times than not where I feel like I am having an outer body experience, watching and listening to the craziness unfold around me.  I call it my Happy Place, where I am able to watch myself simultaneously yell "Lucy Anne!" as she squirts a juice box all over the floor, grab the pot off the burner as the oatmeal is burning and bounce Emma up and down on my hip while holding the pacifier in her mouth and chanting "it's okay Emma, it's okay..."  In this Happy Place, I am amazed that people all around the world and from the beginning of time have had more than one child.  Really, this fact alone is enough to create awe and wonder in me.  Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe my Happy Place is the last place I can go before I really do hit Crazy Town, but it's like I have to remove myself from the chaos around me so that I can see the humor in it.  Will claims at times like this that I get a distant, glassy look in my eye, and that I do not hear a word he is saying.  The fact of the matter is - I hear him, I am just unable to respond because, well, I am in my Happy Place!  

With that being said, this seems like it has been a crazy month.  Emma has new frustrations about being stuck in one place and I think this has added to our household's stress.  She isn't content anymore to sit in her bouncer or lay on her play mat while I get stuff done.  Trying to go anywhere in the mornings is like trying to round up a three ring circus that speaks a different language than you do.  It is a good morning if we have all eaten breakfast by 9:30 a.m., and an even better morning if I have showered before breakfast too.  It is the best morning ever if I've slipped in a workout on the elliptical and remembered to put on face moisturizer and deodorant after my shower.  The brochure on Motherhood was definitely lacking some very important details when I signed up for this gig!  But the craziest part about my experience with Motherhood so far, is that I wouldn't go back to my days of free time for the world.  I love being Luke, Lucy and Emma's mom and the truly awe inspiring thing is that even with all the chaos, I still find moments throughout the day to have a different outer body experience - when I look at my two beautiful girls who are happy and content (for the moment) and think, wow, how did I get so lucky to be their mom?  Then I remind myself to soak it in, as in the next minute or so, someone will be crying and the craziness will start all over again.

Emma continues to get stronger and doesn't understand that she is still unable to move on her own.  Most times when we hold her now, she will throw her body towards the ground or an object that looks interesting, full expecting to be able to propel her body without our support.  When she realizes she cannot in fact walk, crawl or support herself for more than a minute on her own she gets frustrated and starts crying.  Poor girl - one of these days she will be able to do all of these things, but until then, it is as if she is trapped inside a body that just doesn't do what her mind is telling it to do.  Here Emma is below trying to crawl and getting mad.

Emma sits on her own now, which does help her frustration a little bit.  She can also easily roll from her tummy to her back this month too, which somewhat helps her move to what she wants.

Because of her uncanny ability to throw her body in the direction she wants to go, we are wondering if her days in the bouncer are limited.  As we were getting ready to sit down to dinner the other night, we found Emma helping herself to the mustard.  Maybe she will like mustard as much as Lucy.

I continue to fall deeper in love with this little girl, and as I mentioned earlier, cannot imagine my life without her in it.  She is such a joy to be around when all her needs have been met!  Here she is below, getting her need for attention met as we went for a walk downtown a couple of weeks ago.

 She rarely stays long in the expensive double stroller we invested in.  It kind of makes me a bit regretful to think what we spent on this stroller when 80% of the time only one child is in it.  But on the occasions both girls are content to sit in it, it does make for some glorious walks!  Lately, Lucy lets Emma play with her toes which does buy us some time.

 Speaking of Lucy and Emma.  The other day we were packing the kids up in the car when Lucy kept ranting "Where's my sticker?" over and over again.  I told her in so many words or less, "For the love of God - get in your car seat and stop ping-ponging around the backseat of the car!"  Finally, she settled down and got in her car seat.  No sooner was the car backed out of the garage when Emma started seriously choking.  I jumped out, opened Emma's door, got her out of her car seat and thumped her on the back.  She recovered quickly, but I never did find out what caused her to choke like that.  Until the next day when I was changing Emma's diaper.  There, slightly larger than a quarter was a completely intact sticker of a fairy.  I called Lucy in and showed her the contents of the diaper.  Her response?  "My sticker!"  I had to swat her hand away as she reached for it.  How that sticker made it through completely intact can only be the working of a fairy - or as we are now calling it, the poop fairy.  We then had a nice little chat about what we can and cannot feed to Emma.

Up until this past month, we have been swaddling Emma with her arms wrapped up and putting her to sleep on her back.  The other day she woke up crying which was unlike her.  She usually wakes up and happily chats to herself for a couple of minutes before the crying begins.  So I ran upstairs to her room and found her face smashed into her pacifier laying on her stomach.  She must have rolled over and then was unable to roll back as she didn't have use of her arms being wrapped up like a burrito.  The fact that she was able to roll from her back to her stomach without the use of her arms to begin with was surprising, but for fear of night time suffocation, we have been swaddling her with arms free now.  She hasn't been sleeping as good because her arms sometimes startle her awake, but at least I don't have to worry about her suffocating.  The good news is that she is able to put her pacifier back in her mouth when it falls out, now that her arms are free so that evens out the startling I guess.

The above picture documents a moment in time of Motherhood where I think to myself, "All is right with the world, and it's good to be a mom!"

Emma's 4 Month Photo Shoot

As promised, here are some of the pictures from Emma's 4 month photo shoot last month.  I'm beginning to think that Lucy has a secret wish for these photos to not go public, since she stuffed something in my CD drive, and also spilled a glass of water on the CD.  As you can see, I found a CD drive that works and the disc miraculously dried out and still works too.

So, here is our little Emma.  She definitely was more interested in eating her dress than smiling for the camera which made it super easy to pick our favorite pictures.

I like to think that in the below picture, she is granting each of us one wish.

My Grandma

As a lot of you know by now, my grandma passed away last week.  Since then I have been slowly processing that she is no longer here on earth with us.  I've been wanting to do a post on her, but frankly it has been too hard until now for me to even put into words what I am feeling.  There is still a lot of shock.  To me, my grandma had too much fight in her to ever die.  She was one of the most real people I have ever known.  How can someone so real ever die?  She could tell you off in one sentence and then tell you a dirty joke in the next.  If she didn't like you, she didn't hide it.  If she thought the world of you, she let you know - not caring that other people were in the room.  Comments like, "you are my most beautiful granddaughter (not talking about me)" to "your husband is so good looking" (talking about me).  She would repeatedly tell Will that if he was only 50 years older, or she was 50 years younger that I would have to fight her for him.  When saying goodbye or hello to her, she would ask Will, "Aren't you going to kiss me on the lips?" after Will respectfully kissed her on the cheek.  She was extremely smart and had an amazing memory.  She had tricks that she used to remember everyone's name and even birthday.  She would make a game out of it, and you knew she liked you if she gave you a nickname.  Whenever we would visit her, she would greet Lucy by saying, "Loooooooo-Seeeeeee" in a sing-song voice.  I will never forget it, and I will remind Lucy of it as she grows bigger and the memories of my grandma begin to fade from her mind.

Speaking of Lucy and my grandma.  Lucy always called her "Mama's grandma" instead of great grandma and they had a special bond.  My grandma's nursing home was a half mile south of our house, so we got to visit her a lot the last two years.  These were special visits, as Lucy would always bring something for my grandma, whether it is a book she wanted to read to her, a picture she drew or a toy she wanted to show her.  The three of us would sing songs, and Lucy would cuddle my grandma on her lap in her wheelchair or in her hospital bed.  My grandma ate these visits up.  She would tell anyone who would listen how Lucy was the smartest girl she has ever known.  This would embarrass me sometimes, but I knew it was just my grandma's way of showing how much she loves Lucy.  After all, everyone needs someone who believes in them that much.  Lucy had a special place in my grandma's heart, as she was her first great-granddaughter.  Amazingly, this past year as my grandma began to steadily decline, she became the great-grandma of four more girls - Emma, Kate, Ellen and a baby girl due any day now.  When I asked her in her last couple of days what she thought about all these girls she responded with, "Oh Boy!"  I just wish my grandma had had the chance to get to know each of them like she got to know Lucy.  She did get to meet Emma fortunately, but never got to know her.  I told my grandma repeatedly though that Emma has her eyes, and that brings me some comfort to know that my grandma lives on not just in memories but in the physical traits of her family as well.  I also think Lucy has inherited some of her spit-fire personality.  Maybe that is why my grandma took to Lucy so well - she recognized the likeness.

When we were first dealing with the news of my grandma's passing, Will and I weren't sure to what level we should involve Lucy in the funeral.  After talking to several friends and family, we decided that Lucy belonged with her family and needed to be a part of my grandma's goodbye.  Lucy was with me, Will and Emma when we said goodbye to my grandma the day before she died and so we decided that it would be important for Lucy to see the next steps involved in my grandma's journey to heaven.  Heaven is a regular topic at our house already, what with her big brother being there but Lucy wasn't here when Luke died and was buried, nor for the toughest part of our journey through grief.  Will and I struggled to find words to explain to her what was going on.  We decided to be as brief as possible in our explanations and let her questions show us what she needed to know.  When I got the phone call from my mom that my grandma had passed away, Lucy watched me intently and even brought me a kleenex.  After I hung up the phone I explained to Lucy that grandma had gone to heaven and that I miss her so much.  Later that day Lucy started running around the house yelling, "Where are you mama's grandma?" and then kept looking out the front door saying, "I can't see her mama, I can't see her."  Then she would come to me and tell me, "Heaven is far away mama, we can't see it."  At the funeral home Lucy was very curious about my grandma laying out in the casket.  She called it "Mama's Grandma's crib" and would tell people to go and kneel in front of it, sometimes leading them by the hand to the kneeler.  She even lined up kleenex across the railing of the kneeler so they would be handy when someone needed one.  She also kept asking me to touch my grandma and so I would with Lucy watching.  The following day, during the funeral mass Lucy kept saying in a sad voice, "Where is mama's grandma?  Where is she mama?"

I was especially nervous about the burial at the cemetery.  We go there often as a family with Lucy to visit Luke's grave and were very careful to never say that he was actually buried in the ground there, but that instead we were going to spend time with his memory.  I knew we would have some explaining to do when she witnessed my grandma's casket being lowered into the ground as my grandparents plots are right next to Luke's grave.  She never did ask any questions, but happily skipped around during the burial and tossed flowers onto my grandma's casket once it was lowered into the ground.  I stood on Luke's headstone for this part, and it brought me great comfort knowing that my grandma was with Luke in heaven now, and probably already telling everyone else up there that Luke was the smartest boy there.

Grieving while seeing the world through a two year old's eyes has been very interesting.  This is uncharted water for me, even though I had thought I was a seasoned veteran at grieving since losing Luke.  It is interesting to me that losing someone brings with it it's own unique grieving process and it is like learning a new language each time.

Throughout the goodbyes last week I thoroughly enjoyed the time I got to spend with my aunts, uncles and cousins.  Each of them had a different perspective and memories of my grandma and I got to hear stories and learn things I had never heard before.  I was in awe as my grandma's immediate family huddled around my grandma while they closed her casket for the last time and we solemnly followed her into the church.  It struck me as amazing that a single woman (along with my grandpa who passed away 8 years ago) was responsible for all of us gathered together that day as family - her five children, their spouses, sixteen grandchildren and six great grandchildren.  And how the underlying feeling present in the room was love.  My aunt and uncle and two cousins sat in front of us in church.  My aunt rubbed my uncle's back during the service and my cousin wrapped his arm around his crying little sister.  Beside me was my cousin who had gone to work super early that morning so that he could take time off for the funeral and sit next to his mom.  Behind me was my aunt, uncle and their four kids and significant others - all sitting together as a solid wall of support.  At the very front was my parents, my mom's parents, my aunt and my siblings - all shoulder to shoulder and supporting each other.  I am proud of my family and I have to believe that my grandma's love for us is what got us all here today - able to smile through our tears and remember her for who she really was - the perfect blend of sweet and sour as my brother Joe so eloquently put.  She was by no means perfect, but we loved her just as she was.  She has taught me that to be genuine is one of the greatest traits we can offer, and to not worry about whether or not people will like you.  My grandma never asked us to take her as she was, but we did, and I am glad.