9 Months Ago...

...I held my baby boy. Nine months ago today, I had to say goodbye. I have now come to the point where I have missed my Luke longer than I had him with me. It is a strange thing to consider. I can still close my eyes and feel his warmth, and his weight in my arms. I can still smell his earthy, sweet baby smell. Every day, I still play back the events in my mind of the day we found out we lost him, the day we finally got to meet him. Such bittersweet memories. I would do it all again though, even knowing the ending. I am thankful for every day we got to have Luke with us, and although I wish it was longer, much, much longer, I am thankful. We have a son! A beautiful, sweet boy who is laughing and playing in heaven with all of our friends and family that have gone before us. A wonderful mom named Susan who cannot be on earth with her daughter - she is watching out for Luke for me and giving him the love only a mom can. My grandpa, who loved to rock in his great big rocking chair - he is rocking Luke for me. My Uncle Mike, who was always such a joker -he is making Luke laugh. My Great Uncle Bill - he is filling heaven with his great big hearty laugh, and making Luke smile. And Will's grandpa, who we never got to meet - I know he is loving Luke and making up for all the grandkids on earth that he never got to hold. So although my arms are empty and aching for my son, I know that he is well loved and taken care of in heaven. I hope our family and friends up there are telling Luke just how much he means to his parents, and just how much we love him.

Wee T was 17 weeks old on Monday. I am starting to feel her kick and wiggle more and more. This is my favorite part of being pregnant. She squirms at the most random times, and always brings a smile to my face when she does. Wee T has no idea yet just how happy she is making her mom and dad. On Monday, December 1 we have our first ultrasound scheduled. We are hoping to find out then that all is healthy with Wee T, and we are hoping to confirm her gender as well! I will post as soon as we hear anything. Until then, if you could keep us in your thoughts and prayers on December 1, we would appreciate it. We have so many memories attached with the fetal imaging department at Royal Oak Beaumont. We are hoping December 1 will be the first time we hear good news there. Either way, I know it will be emotional, but I really can't wait to catch our first real glimpse of Wee T.

Remembrance Service

On Monday evening, we went to a Remembrance Service at our church for all the families who have lost loved ones in the past year. Both of our parents came, and three of my siblings. It was very well done. Each deceased loved one's name was read during the service, along with the chime of a bell. A cross with Luke's name that laid on his casket during his funeral service was also presented to us. It was quite emotional, but we were happy for the chance to attend something in Luke's honor. After the service, my mom presented us with cookies she made for us that were hearts, with a hole in them to represent the hole in all of our hearts now that Luke is gone. They were so beautiful! It means a lot to Will and I to know that Luke is missed by more than just his parents.

I was 15 weeks on Monday. Wee T got to vote for the first time yesterday, and will have to wait at least another 18 years before she can do that again! God Bless America!

Joyous

This past weekend, Will and I had the honor of standing up in the wedding of my oldest friend, Lindsay in Saugatuck, Michigan. We have known each other since 5th grade and I have always felt an 'other' world connection with her. No matter where our lives take us - different colleges, different cities, different states, the connection is always there. She has been such a blessing in my life. This past weekend can be summed up into one word: Joyous. Lindsay and Jim, your wedding was absolutly beautiful. The flowers, The Belvedere, the dress, the bride, the groom, the autumn colors, the details. But that just describes the background. What was truly beautiful was the love that you both clearly share, and the way that both of your amazing families and friends came together. The utter joy and happiness that you could almost reach out and touch. I kept thinking as I watched your guests dance and interact that this is what heaven must be like. The love, happiness and JOY was tangible. It was an amazing weekend. Thank you Lindsay and Jim for giving us the chance to share in such joy. On a side note, Wee T was happy that she got to dance to Abba's Dancing Queen for the first time with her mom's friends.

On Sunday, we were able to take Wee T for a hike to see Lake Michigan. The fall colors were amazing. We were slightly disappointed though that when we got to the last sand dune, we couldn't go over it to see the water because the wind was so strong and sand was blowing everywhere. We did hear the water though, and it sounded like an ocean! Either way, it was a nice ending to a wonderful weekend.

I was 14 weeks on Monday and am into the second trimester now. This is supposed to be the honeymoon trimester where the morning sickness is all but gone and I'm not big enough to be uncomfortable yet. I keep reminding myself to appreciate it!

Wee T's Heartbeat!

Yesterday was Will's birthday, and about a month ago I had the brilliant idea of making the heartbeat appointment for our little one on his birthday for a meaningful present. As the appointment got closer, I started to panic though. What if we heard bad news? What if they couldn't find the heartbeat? The last time Will and I went in to hear our baby's heartbeat, we found out that Luke was gone. Needless to say, our wonderful doctor found the heartbeat, but it took a few panic stricken seconds where I know both Will's and my heart felt like they stopped. Never have we heard such a sweet sound though, as little Wee T's heartbeat. Thank God! So, it did end up being a great birthday present for Will.

And yes, Wee T is the nickname we are giving our new little one, and from here on out (until testing proves otherwise!) I will be referring to Wee T as a she/her to avoid using 'it'. Baby T will always be Luke's so we felt like we needed something different for this baby. Fortunately, when talking to my friend Lindsay about our search for a name, her fiance (soon to be husband this coming Saturday!) Jim came up with Wee T, which Will and I both thought was so cute. We won't go into where Jim got this name from, but will say that we are still waiting to hear back from him on what Wee T's super powers are.

Wee T has had an eventful week - Wee T was on the 11 o'clock news on Friday night for a financial segment, and then traveled to Kalamazoo on Saturday for Lindsay's bachelorette party. Wee T even got to sip on some non-alcoholic martini's that Piper and Stacy so thoughtfully made. Then on Sunday, she got to go to a good friend's baptism, where her Mom and Dad were so honored to be the Godparents of baby Killian. Wee T rounded out the busy couple of days by showing off her heartbeat for her Dad's birthday.

Luke would have been 8 months on Sunday. Lukey, we love you! Please keep Wee T safe!

Luke's going to be a big brother!

Will and I are happy to say that Luke is going to be a big brother! We are expecting our second child to arrive sometime in April. About a month before we found out we were pregnant, I asked Luke to send me a sign so that I wouldn't worry as much during our next pregnancy. A month later, right before we found out we were pregnant, I had a dream that I was holding a healthy baby girl. So, hopefully Luke got the gender right (because I'm referring to the baby as a girl now), but I think the important thing he wanted his mom to know is that this baby is going to be healthy.

Being pregnant again has brought a strange mix of emotions. In fact, I think it has caused us to miss our Luke even more. I am still not over missing my baby boy. I still think about him every day. I still wish for him back. I am still his mother. Just because we are happy to have a second child doesn't mean that we have forgotten or hope to replace Luke. No matter how many children we have, none of them will replace Luke and there will always be a part of our family that is missing. While we are now looking forward to our second child, we will always have a hole in our heart and life where Luke should have been. Another baby cannot fill that hole. This baby is new to me, and does nothing to erase the pain of missing Luke. I may be able to better handle my grief, to hide it, to live with it, but it is still there. I still mourn and love my Luke while celebrating our new baby. This new baby does not exclude or 'make up for' missing our Lukey. Luke will always be our firstborn, and we can't wait to tell our new little one all about their big brother in heaven.

With that being said, please keep us in your prayers as we find the balance between celebrating our new child, while still grieving for our son Luke.

Today, Luke would have been 7 months old. We miss you Luke, more than we know how to say.

Luke Thomas Timmerman

On Tuesday, February 19 at 11:14 am, Will and I welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world - Luke Thomas Timmerman. He was 5 lbs. 1 oz., 19 inches long and had dark hair like his mom. Sadly, Luke had passed away the Sunday earlier because the umbilical cord had wrapped around our son's tiny little leg. We would like to think that if Luke had anything to do with it, he would be here with us today, our strong little fighter. Luke has his mom's feet - and they were really big! Luke also has his mom's hands and his dad's forehead, nose and ears. Will and I have never been so proud to meet such a tiny person, and are so happy that we have a son. He is our little boy up in heaven and we can't wait to one day be able to hold him again. Until then, he will be a part of our daily lives and Will and I are so much happier for having met him.

Luke's funeral will be Saturday, February 23 at 10:00am at St. Jane Frances de Chantel (Ryan Rd., between 16 & 17 Mile Rd.). Visitation will be at 9:30am. A private burial will follow at the cemetary.

Thank you to all of our family and friends for your support over the last several months. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we grieve the loss of our beautiful son, Luke.

Baby Timmerman's Little Face

Here is one of the ultrasound pictures from this past Thursday. You can see Baby T.'s little chubby cheek resting on his/her arm. The darkness along Baby T.'s hairline is just where the ultrasound left off - not hair, as I was hoping. So, it is still a mystery as to what type of hair, if any, that our baby has.