Family Matters in March

March was a very good and busy month at our house.  To start the month out right, we learned that my dad is now cancer free and is feeling better each and every day.  To add to our happiness and relief at my dad being better, my brother, sister-in-law and niece moved back to town after a year of being out of state.  They are currently in the process of buying a house only an hour away from us and we have definitely enjoyed having them close by again.  I love watching our girls play together and am so glad that they have each other to grow up with - and get into trouble with too.  In the below picture we heard a loud crash in the kitchen and when we went to investigate we found the cousins cleaning up the evidence.

Later that same evening we heard a lot of noise coming from the bathroom and discovered all three girls giggling over what Lucy had deposited into the toilet.

We also fostered six baby chicks this past month for a friend of a friend who was on vacation.  It was the perfect set up really, as we got the chicks in their infancy when they were cute, tiny and fluffy.  Two weeks later we gave them back when they had conveniently reached the smelly, awkward, teenager stage.  There were some tears when we said goodbye to them, but overall it was a great experience.

We also gave away our rooster this month after he began terrorizing our head hen who refused to give in to his advances.  At first we thought the two of them were in a flirting match and our black hen was just playing hard to get but when we realized that the rooster wasn't allowing her to eat or leave the coop because she wouldn't let him have his way with her, we decided the rooster must go.  The final straw was when he attacked her head so badly that she lost a part of her comb and was covered in blood.  Fortunately for the rooster, Will had a coworker with a couple of acres and some hens who were in need of a rooster.  He went packing the very next day.

Now that the weather is warming up and the sun has been shining more often than not, we are getting about ten eggs a day.  It is hard to keep up with washing all of them!

The snow is still lingering in small, icy piles in shaded corners of our yard as I type this but I do believe we have seen the last of it.

It has been quite a winter and I have to say that Mother Nature has helped Will win an argument we were having about the necessity of a snow blower.  I don't like how loud or smelly they are, and Will seems to think we can't live without the most high end one on the market.  As a result we came to a stand still and ended up shoveling our super long driveway by hand all winter long.  The kids helped a little bit, but I felt like I had to prove something and by the end of March my back was killing me and I had to admit to Will that a snow blower was perhaps a good idea after all.  Pluses of our snow blower-free winter included great exercise, cool snow forts, and even one snow fall where ingenuity struck me and instead of shoveling the driveway, we rolled giant snowballs down it instead, clearing the cement in fun, zig-zagging patterns.

Lucy and Emma continue to evolve in their relationship with each other while keeping two things consistent - they are the best of friends and the worst of friends.  This photo collage features them at their best.  Going clockwise around the picture, they share Daddy's arms, a puddle, Daddy's back, a chair, a tattoo (not sure if you can see it from the picture but we had one tattoo that they both wanted, so Lucy came up with the idea of cutting it in half so each could have one) and even socks.

They also will at times, share a cuddle with me.

Their newest thing is playing a duet on the piano to Luke.  They make up songs with his name in it, and put his picture between them while they play.  This has to be the best music I have ever heard.

Lucy has been a sponge for learning this past month.  That is, when she isn't busy drinking sour cream from a straw.

She is always busy doing a craft of her creation and seems to be at her happiest when elbow deep in paint, glitter, markers and scissor scraps.  The other day I put Emma down for her afternoon nap and tucked Lucy in her room for her daily quiet time.  I then went to my room and made a phone call while putting my feet up.  Will came home from work about an hour later, and brought Lucy downstairs.  A little bit later when I went downstairs with Emma I noticed the table was covered with a painting project.  I asked Will if he and Lucy had painted in that short time I was still upstairs and he said no.  After further investigation, I realized that Lucy had snuck downstairs during quiet time, gotten out the paint supplies, painted a couple of master pieces and then quietly got back upstairs with me none the wiser.  I guess I should be glad that when my daughter sneaks, she does artwork.

Besides crafts, Lucy enjoys helping me in the kitchen.  She gets a monthly subscription to High Five Magazine, which is the preschool version of Highlights Magazine.  In every issue there is a recipe for kids to do with their parents.  This past month's recipe was an asparagus egg salad.  Lucy had a lot of fun reading the directions herself and cooking it with only minor assistance from me.  She even tried the asparagus!  

One of the biggest milestones Lucy achieved this past month was spelling her first words.  She has been practicing her letters all month with little involvement from me and has been able to write her name for a couple of weeks now too.  Aunt Jenna was over the other day watching Lucy's new found skills with letter writing and got the idea of putting the letters together.  It became a game for us to figure out words Lucy could write with the twelve or so letters she knows.  We call it our Preschool Version of Words with Friends.  Here are the first two words that Lucy put together using the letters she knows how to write.  She was so proud!

The biggest thing Lucy is proud of this past month however, was making her first purchase with her own money at the store.  Every time she fills up her apple tree (think reusable sticker chart) she now gets three dollars.  The first couple of times she earned the money, she spent it on little things like stickers and would pay us back when we got home.  Will and I decided that it was time for her to learn the fine art of saving her money, and working towards a bigger goal.  Lucy decided she wanted to save up for something for her baby dolls and when a baby doll carrier at Target went on sale a couple of weeks ago, Lucy counted up her money and realized that she had enough.  She was so proud carrying her purse with her hard earned money in it, picking out the long awaited doll carrier at the store and holding her hand out while the cashier gave her the change back.

We are so proud of her too, and live for moments like this with our kids.  April is on track to be even busier, with both our girls birthdays coming up and a new and exciting garden project coming to fruition.  Stay tuned!

Easter Hope

I'm sure by now everyone has heard of the Catholic Church's new pope.  So far I have been pleasantly surprised by what Pope Francis has done in his short time as Father of the entire Catholic Church.  It doesn't hurt that he is a Jesuit, one of my favorite types of priests and the kind of university Will and I attended as well.  But the fact that he took one of my favorite saint's names - Francis, the patron saint of humility, simplicity and all creatures great and small - is also a plus in my book.  After hearing a quote by Pope Francis however, said during Holy Thursday mass at a juvenile detention center in Rome, I became one of his biggest fans.  He told the young adults gathered before him, "Don't lose hope, understand?  With hope you can always go on."  

To me, Easter is the holiday of hope.  After a long Michigan winter, Easter comes at a time of year when the first signs of spring fill me with hope and excitement.   I read somewhere (probably Facebook) that Christmas was God's promise to the world and Easter is the fulfillment.  Because Jesus died so that we may live forever with Him, I know that I will see Luke again.  Without death we could not have new life.  I honestly do not know how I would move on with living if I didn't have this amazing gift of hope to hold on to. When life gets difficult, it is human nature to despair.  But as Marilla from my favorite Anne of Green Gables books once told Anne, "To despair is to turn your back on God."  Easter is the reason I do not despair, and hope is the reason I can overcome difficulties and always move on.  

With that being said, here is our family's celebration of the Easter holiday.  We started out the festivities dying Easter eggs.  We used eggs from our very own chickens this year which made it even more special to us.  We were worried that the varying egg shell colors of browns and blues wouldn't dye well, but I think they actually resulted in even more vibrant colors than using the traditional white eggs. 

My brother, sister-in-law and niece Ellen took the girls to an Easter party at our church where the girls did crafts, an Easter egg hunt and a meet and greet with the Easter bunny.

As I wasn't there, I can only imagine through the pictures they photo streamed to us about how cute and exhausting it was to wrangle three girls all under the age of four through a maze of chocolate candy, plastic eggs and a giant bunny.  And knowing Emma, I can only guess that she is asking Aunt Jenna in the below picture for, "just one more" piece of candy with her cheeks still full from the last piece of candy she ate.

Easter morning dawned bright and early.  I woke up before the rest of the family to start breakfast.  The girls woke up just as I finished and we had a lovely morning finding Easter baskets and eating chocolate bunnies, cream cheese french toast casserole, sausage and fruit salad.

After breakfast we headed to church and enjoyed a beautiful Easter mass.  We sat by the choir as usual, since the girls can always be distracted from less than desirable behavior by pointing out the various instruments stationed nearby.  Here are the girls below posing for a picture in front of the grand piano before mass started.  We had to get there early to ensure a seat, and while we were waiting I whispered the story God Gave Us Easter to the girls, which the Easter bunny had put in Lucy's Easter basket.  This is my favorite children's Easter story as it does a great job explaining Easter even to an adult.  My favorite part of the book is when the Papa Bear in the story tells his little girl, "...sometimes we have to let go of one thing so we can move on to another."  During the sermon a little bit later, the priest quoted Pope Francis saying, "Keep hope.  Move forward always."  It was a very meaningful service and several times I had to fight back the tears.

When we came home we went on an Easter egg hunt around the yard.  The girls were having a hard time waiting all morning to do this, since the Easter bunny had left a clue on the bird feeder that they looked at while we ate breakfast.

It had just stopped raining, so it was a bit chilly and wet on the hunt, but the girls didn't seem to mind.

 

We then enjoyed a light lunch of hard boiled eggs and went down for naps.  After naps we packed up the car and headed to Will's Aunt Karen's house for Easter dinner.  On the way, we stopped by the cemetery to give Luke an Easter egg and wish our little guy a happy Easter in heaven.  Here are the girls below, each with a foot on Luke's footprints that are engraved in his headstone.

We had a wonderful time at the Timmerman's for Easter and the girls enjoyed another Easter egg hunt.  Will and I were super happy to see that the plastic eggs were filled with coins and not candy.  Thank you Aunt Karen!

The girls were also happy to celebrate their birthdays and received many wonderful presents from their Timmerman Aunts.  They loved their gifts so much, they slept with them next to their beds that night.

This was our fourth Easter with Lucy and our third Easter with Emma.  Celebrating with my children has helped me to take pause and delve deeper into the true meaning of the day in order to best represent it to Lucy and Emma.  It is both challenging and amazing to me as I figure out how to explain every detail of each tradition in as basic a way as possible.  This has made the day more meaningful for me as I now experience it through the eyes of my children, my greatest hopes on earth!

I wish you a Hope-Filled Easter!

Emma's Last Month as a One Year Old!

Emma is proudly wearing big girl undies now!  Potty training was not on our agenda this past month, but the stars aligned and as fate had it my car was in the shop for several days leaving me home bound with a daughter who kept taking her diaper off.  Three days later my car was fixed and Emma was well on her way to being potty trained.  That's not to say we don't have accidents still, but she understands the concept and is more upset than anyone else if she doesn't make it to the potty in time.

The above picture was taken early on in the learning process when it was still a novelty to Lucy to have company in the bathroom.  Now the toilet is just one more thing for them to fight over.  Emma has her own schedule and will go potty when and where she wants to.  If I need her to go before naps, bedtime, or before we leave the house I have resorted to bribery.  If she puts poop in the potty she gets two M&M's.  She gets to play with my phone as long as she stays on the potty.  Here Emma is below playing on my phone.  She has discovered how to take self portraits.

Emma's laid back, easy-going nature seems to have been replaced by a girl who knows what she wants.  We have reached a new level of fit-throwing, which includes screaming, kicking, rolling around on the ground and even at times, turning blue from lack of breathing.  We now know to blow in her face to make her catch her breath and calm her down a bit, but for the most part we steer clear of her until the storm passes.  Things that usually set her off are stunting her independence by offering assistance without asking her and anything to do with Will.  Yup, poor Will has been the fuel for many a fit-fire this past month and it is getting a little old being the only parent allowed to help her without inducing a fit - especially in the middle of the night and for all the many potty-times.

Will has been making a point to spend special time with Emma, and we are hoping by her second birthday this phase will be past and she will be a Daddy's Girl like Lucy.

Maybe Emma has learned how to get what she wants by observing her big sister.  Lucy is still the queen of fits at our house.  Here is Emma below, plugging her ears as Lucy exerts herself in the background.

Emma enjoys doing everything her big sister does, including playing dress-up, dolls, Duplos, arts and crafts, watching Dora, Clifford and Elmo on TV, and playing with Lucy's friends.  Here Emma is below hanging with the big kids.

Emma likes things just so.  If you do something once, you will have to do it the exact same way each and every time after.  She would wear the same outfit everyday if she could.  Her favorite is what she calls her "butterfly dress" followed in second place by her "frosty the snowman dress."  When riding in the car she has to have her sunglasses on and her magna doodle in hand whether it is sunny or dark out.

Some of my favorite things that Emma has said this past month include:
-when asked a yes or no question, Emma will respond with, "O-tay, sure!"
-when asked if she needs help, she says, "I got it!"
-when she is playing with her dolls, she will tell me, "Mama, Polly loves you!  Mama, Twin Babies love you!"
-when Lucy does something kind to Emma, Emma will say, "Awwwww, Sissie."
-when Emma tries a new food and doesn't like it she shouts, "Too Spicy!!!"

It's hard to believe our Emma is almost two!  She is the perfect blend of sweet, cuddly, independent, adventurous, loving and silly and we love her!

Food and Funnies for February

My goal for Lent this year is to work on being present in whatever I am doing.  I find it challenging at times to focus on the routine tasks of motherhood, and the various things my kids need from me.  My struggle to put boundaries on my phone usage (my iPhone is both a blessing and a curse) are part of my desire to learn how to be present in the moment.  Tactics I have found useful as I work on my focus include involving all five of my senses in whatever it is I am doing, as well as finding the humor in everything.  Here I am below, laying on a sled while the girls played outside, gaining a new perspective.  It was amazing to hear the girls voices coming from above me instead of below me while feasting my eyes on the wonder of a winter sky.

I still have a long way to go but I will say that this new approach to living came at a great time.  After downloading the pictures from February to write this blog post, it occurred to me that although this month was extremely difficult, the pictures seem to paint a completely different picture - there were so many pictures of food and fun that I had to collage them together in an effort to save space here!  

Let's start with the food.  I wish that I was one of those people who lost their appetite when they were stressed.  Unfortunately, the more stressed I am the more I cook, bake and inevitably eat.  This month I discovered how to make Amish dinner rolls and crepes.  Translate that to carbs and more carbs.  But boy were they good!  Below is a picture of several of the many varieties of crepes that I concocted including strawberry cream cheese, Marsala mushroom cream sauce, chicken/spinach/water chestnut/cheese, applesauce, and last but not least, Nutella with bananas.

At one point, Will sat down for dinner and said, "Wow!  Crepes again?"  Interestingly enough, after my dad's surgery and Luke's birthday were past I was completely over the crepes.  Thank goodness because I'd have to buy bigger pants otherwise.

And now onto the fun.  We played outside a lot this past month.  The weather was what every kid dreams of - lots of packing snow.  I haven't had this much fun playing in the snow since I was a kid.

Lucy tasted her first bite of snow and told me it tasted like grass.  We enjoyed snow man building, sled rides, snow angels, skating (and falling) on ice in our boots and even an attempt at a snow fort.

We had fun indoors as well, making Valentine's Day decorations...

Being silly with our food at dinner...

....and playing with dolls.  Below is Lucy with all of her dolls.  She has so many that she not only fills a shopping cart but had to put one in a carrier on her as well.

Playing legos has become Lucy's second favorite past time.  She likes making "Happy Houses".  When I asked what makes them happy, she showed me how, "All the friends and family are together in one place mom."  I couldn't have described a Happy House better myself.

Lucy made a fort all by herself one afternoon during quiet time.  Up until this point she would ask for help to position the blankets just so.

The girls enjoyed their afternoon TV time watching Clifford, Dora or Sesame Street together...

And even enjoyed the thrill of as Lucy informed me with great glee in her voice, "Mom, we are doing sumthin we shouldn't be!"  Playing on the iPad without permission is definitely something she shouldn't be doing!

On a super cold day this past month we decided to stay indoors and paint the girls' toenails.  What a simple, yet great way to relish having daughters.

And finally, as many of you saw on Facebook, my biggest laugh this month was on Valentine's Day when we spent the morning downtown shopping at our favorite shops and enjoying an impromptu lunch out with just my girls and me.  We don't eat out often due to budget constraints and health reasons so when we do it is really special.  During our girls morning out, Lucy kept complaining about her tights falling down and I kept telling her in none-too-patient terms that hiking your tights up with your dress practically over your head in public was not appropriate.  Finally, on the walk back to our car from lunch Lucy was really whining in earnest about her tights.  As we crossed the main road to the parking lot she said, "MOM!  I just can't take it anymore!"  It was then that I really looked at her and this is what I saw:

I literally stopped in my tracks, set Emma down in the parking lot and crossed my legs so I wouldn't pee my pants, I was laughing so hard.  Lucy looked at me in relief and started laughing too.  I honestly don't remember if Emma found the humor in it, but Lucy and I sure did and it was a great reminder about being present in the moment.  If I had paid attention to the poor girl instead of tuning out her whining, I wouldn't have looked like a terrible mother as I dragged her across Main Street with her tights at her ankles.  Ah yes, I love my girls and with their help, I am truly learning what it means to be present in the moment and how much it means to them.

Happy 5th Birthday Luke!

Letting Go

Luke's fifth birthday dawned bright and early due to a combination of insomnia and little ones.  Fortunately, there is something therapeutic to rocking a baby in the middle of the night and thinking.  I might as well hold a warm, cuddly baby than lay with my eyes wide open in bed while I tried to process my dad's surgery and Luke's birthday.  Normally when faced with insomnia I start freaking out around 2 a.m. about how little sleep I have left and how tired I am going to inevitably be when the girls wake up in the morning.  It occurred to me somewhere around 4:30 a.m. that God knows exactly what February 19th is to me, and He will get me through my son's birthday whether I sleep or not, if only I remember to ask Him.  I could almost hear Him whisper to me in the dark, "Let go Liz.  Let go." 

I just kept thinking about all that we needed to do on Luke's birthday since I was gone for most of the day yesterday for my dad's surgery.  The anxiety was definitely building and I was getting afraid that I wouldn't have enough time to do everything I wanted to honor Luke.  Somewhere around 5 a.m. I decided that I was going to abandon my normal mode of operation and do my best to just let the day unfold on it's own.  What unfolded from here was the kind of day I could have never planned myself.  It was a beautiful day.  Here are the pictures to go along with our family's birthday traditions for Luke and how we let go.

We did prepare a bit in advance for today by making birdseed ornaments to bring to the cemetery.  This year we made them in the shape of a star and a tulip.  The girls had a lot of fun with this project, and Will and I enjoyed seeing them work together.

We had a great morning yesterday too, before I left for the hospital to be with my family for my dad's surgery.  Will and I love to create things with our hands, and the girls seem to enjoy this as well.  We spent Monday morning crafting and creating things to help us remember Luke's birthday.  The girls made birthday cards for him, and Will created a sturdy birthday guest book card to leave at the cemetery on his birthday with multiple pages that can be added on to each year.  I was in and out between the craft table and the kitchen as I made sure Emma didn't cut Lucy's hair, admired Lucy's artwork and baked a chocolate birthday cake.  We were all in a creative groove, and we had a great rhythm going.  I love how the four of us can create together, each doing their own thing, but contributing to the greater whole at the same time.  Time stood still and I continued to let go.

After breakfast today, I made a batch of my grandma Hines' seven minute frosting and then we left for the cemetery.  On the way there, we stopped by a flower shop for a bouquet of yellow tulips and a party store to pick up some balloons.  This year we have added a new tradition - a balloon launch.  We each picked out a balloon to let go, and then bought a personalized mylar balloon to tie to his grave blanket.  As I've mentioned before, Will and I love to see Luke's name in print as it is the only physical image we will ever have of him on earth.  When we walked out of the party supply store the wind almost took the balloons away.  We carefully got them into the trunk of the car and as we headed to the cemetery, I talked to the girls about how we were going to let the balloons go.

The girls were beaming from ear to ear on the way to the cemetery as the balloons bounced behind them and their excitement was contagious.  When we arrived at the cemetery we were greeted by a wind so cold and sharp that any exposed skin burned from the sting of it.  Every year on Luke's birthday we are greeted by this same strong and icy gust, and we can't help but wonder if Luke is trying to wrap his arms around us with the wind.

No sooner did I make the comment to Will that it was too bad there wasn't someone to take a picture of the balloon launch than my sister pulled up.  Jane is Luke's godmother and has always had such a special spot in her heart for him.  Her arrival couldn't have been more perfect.  As she got out of her car with a big smile on her face another huge gust of wind nearly knocked her over.  We laughed as we said that Luke sure has a way of saying hello. Sweet, gloveless Jane took these pictures.  I love this picture below as it symbolizes so wonderfully our little family letting go.

The yellow balloon got stuck in a tree and popped shortly after we let it go.  The purple balloon also got stuck in a tree, but just when we thought it wasn't going any further, it floated out of the tree and made a zig zag across the sky until it was a tiny spec on the horizon and then finally disappeared.  We like to imagine Luke picking the balloon from the clouds.

After the balloon launch I asked Jane if she wanted to sign Luke's birthday card guest book in the car since it was so cold outside.  She laughed and said that it wouldn't be the full Luke experience if she wasn't shivering from cold.  Her perspective showed me how much this tradition means to her as well, and for that I am eternally grateful.

We shared some frozen tootsie rolls and did our traditional family hug, happy to have Jane join in.  I can only hope that Lucy and Emma are there for each other as Jane has been there for me.

 Jane indulged us with one more family shot before we ran to our cars for warmth.

 After the cemetery, we said goodbye to Jane and the four of us went out for lunch.  Will was given a gift card to a Polish restaurant from my brother Mike at Christmas and we thought, what better a day to enjoy some fried comfort food, than Luke's birthday.  Will and I ordered various Polish platter combos and the girls were happy to see that hot dogs were on the menu.  We had a wonderful, happy lunch together enjoying good food and the cuteness of our angels on earth.

After lunch, we had just enough time to make the drive to a doctor appointment for Emma.  I had been dreading this appointment because I didn't want to do a mundane thing on Luke's birthday.  On top of it, the appointment was at the same hospital Luke was born at and not a close drive from our house.  I had tried canceling it, but it is impossible to even get in to this doctor and their reschedule dates were in April.   Lucy was excited to be at the hospital that Luke was born at and her excitement took away any sadness we were feeling as we recognized familiar corridors, benches and doorways from our time spent there with Luke.  Emma's behavior also helped distract us and we were cracking up at her antics when the doctor walked in.

I gave Emma my phone to play with so that she would hold still while the doctor examined her.  Emma found the pictures of us at the cemetery and proudly showed the doctor the balloon launch.  After the third time the doctor heard, "Purple BOON!  Wind!  Heaven!  Luke!" illustrated by the pictures on my phone, we awkwardly felt the need to translate.  We briefly shared with her that five years ago today at this very hospital, Lucy and Emma's big brother Luke was stillborn.  She didn't have anything to say except that based on Emma's excitement, the balloon launch must have really made an impact on Emma.  Will and I were slightly uncomfortable, however it was nice to see that our kids have no qualms talking about their big brother in heaven.

After the doctor appointment I would have normally been extremely uptight that it was now 3:30 and Emma was almost three hours past due for a nap.  Instead, we threw caution to the wind and went to a unique toy shop just down the road that Lucy had expressed interest in multiple times.  This toy store was like a Babies R Us for dolls - they had as many doll strollers, clothes and accessories to warrant a registry.  Both Lucy and Emma were in their element.  Will and I stood around and watched them play - Lucy found a life-like double doll stroller that she pushed around and Emma had fun cooking up something hot at the play kitchen display.  After half an hour, it became clear to Will and I that we needed to come up with an exit strategy or we would be here the rest of the day.  We finally got them back in the car - one of them civilly, and one of them kicking and screaming.  Both of them fell asleep before we got home which was enough of a nap to get them through the rest of the evening festivities in a good mood.  I iced Luke's birthday cake while Will cooked up grilled cheese, served with a side of Clausen pickles and frozen pears.  Directly after dinner we sang Happy Birthday to Luke, blew out five candles as a family and watched the flames let go into silvery smoke towards heaven.

At bedtime we read the book, "Where Do Balloons Go," by Jamie Lee Curtis which was the inspiration for our balloon launch earlier.  We also read a book that was given to us shortly after Luke died called, "I Can Only Imagine."  Lucy fell asleep holding the stuffed animal duck that we had gotten at Luke's baby shower.  It was the perfect ending to a wonderful day.

Luke, you will always be a valued member of our family and we will never forget you.  We think and talk about you multiple times every day and wonder what you would be like now that you are five.  I dream about what your hair would smell like when I kiss the top of your head, or what your hand would feel like in mine as I walk across a street with you and your sisters.  I wonder what parts of the world would fill you with excitement, how you would interact with your sisters and what your laugh would sound like.  I am forever grateful that I was chosen to be your mom, and that I had the privilege to hold you your entire life on earth.  We love you Lukey.  xoxo Mom, Dad, Lucy and Emma.

Yes, five years ago today I was forced to let go.  I have been learning what it means to let go ever since.