Hope-filled Mother's Day

Today I am missing my little guy. There is nothing like a day that celebrates motherhood to magnify the hole in my heart and the ache in my arms. Yes, this is the second year I celebrate with a babe on earth, and what a sweet babe she is. But a mother loves ALL of her children, and never forgets the ones that aren't here. And although I think about and miss Luke every single day, the ache is stronger and the emotions are sharper on days like today. I am grateful for the little guy who made me a mother first, and for that Luke will always hold that special place in my heart. My firstborn baby. Oh how I miss you on my third mother's day without you.

Today my thoughts have also been heavily focused on others who spend the day either with mixed emotions or just plain sadness. Those children on earth without mothers, no matter how old those children were when they lost their moms. Those mothers on earth without their children, no matter how young their children were when they lost them. And those women who long to be mothers but for reasons beyond their control cannot. A fellow blogger had a lot to say on grief related to motherhood right here that really made me think about others who may be having a hard time today as well: http://mollypiper.com/2010/05/brokenhearted-love-give-it-live-it/

Here is a picture of us at the cemetery this morning, visiting Luke's grave. I wish the morning sun revealed a fourth shadow.

And here is a picture of my sweet second born, and my reason to smile again on Mother's Day.
Yes, I think I understand why the cemetery's most busy day is Mother's Day. A mother's bond with her child is a bond that cannot be separated by death. So until we are all reunited with our mothers and children, it is my prayer that you had a hope-filled mother's day.

Happy First Birthday Lucy!

What a wonderful, fun, joy-filled, amazing, tiring, interesting and fast year it has been! Will and I can hardly believe that our little bean is a walking and talking one year old! Where did our baby go? Thankfully, she still has those squishy and kissable little cheeks and when she cries, her nose crinkles up the same way it did the moment she was born. I am feeling the adjectives tonight as I reflect on a year with Lucy, and I am so happy, grateful, and awed that our little girl celebrated her first birthday today.

This past month Lucy has been perfecting her stride. She scales the walls, furniture and loves to hold onto our fingers as she explores the world with her feet. She has even discovered how to lift her feet up to go up stairs. She has a fascination with doors and will spend long intervals opening and shutting them while she walks back and forth holding on.

Here she is taking Grandpa T for a stroll in our driveway.

She loves being outside and is upset if we can't go out because it is raining or dark. She has added the word "bye" to her language repertoire, and can now quack, moo and baa when she sees the appropriate animals. At our new house we have had the opportunity to see both ducks and sheep in our front yard and Lucy spotted them first and let us know we had visitors by the quacks and baas she was squealing. We have a pair of wooden birds on sticks outside of our backdoor that Lucy loves to hold onto and watch the wildlife around our house. Here she is below at her favorite post. We bought Lucy her very first pair of walking shoes which was a fun experience and a shocker - I had no idea that tiny shoes would cost more than the pair I was wearing! Lucy also had her very first cold this past month which lasted about one miserable week but left her no worse for the wear. She is working on two more top teeth to bring her teeth total to 4 going on 6 and is still trying to decide if she needs one nap or two these days.

Some of you may remember the yellow tulip connection we have with Luke and Lucy. A couple of weeks ago Will and I hired a local stained glass craftsman to build a pair of windows that we designed for our new house. The stained glass windows were installed last week, just in time for Lucy's birthday and are absolutely beautiful.

They are in east facing windows so in the morning prisms of color are splashed on the floor and Lucy is fascinated by them. We had a beautiful day for Lucy's first birthday. It was the kind of day where you couldn't help but notice that the days activities were going to be suspended in time forever in our memories. It was like the entire day had a golden haze around it as Will and I proudly watched our little girl on her birthday. The weather was perfect - sunny and not too cold or hot. We got up early this morning and brought Lucy down stairs to open her birthday presents. After playing a bit with them, we headed out to get some birthday portraits taken, then stopped by and paid a visit to our family chiropractor and then journeyed on to the zoo. It was the first time we had taken Lucy to the zoo, and since Will took the day off to spend with Lucy and I, it made for a great day. Here's pictures of our little birthday girl at the zoo, walking with her Dada.

Here is a family picture at the zoo's fountain.

Lucy had banana cupcakes for her birthday, and did a good job blowing AT the candle. After a couple of tries though, we helped her blow it out.

She ate every last crumb of that cupcake and very much enjoyed her first experience with sugar.We have already experienced Luke's first and second birthdays but today was different. There were no tears today, only smiles. While we still longed for Luke to spend his sister's birthday with us on earth, it was a happy day. We savored every moment and couldn't stop thinking about how different it is to celebrate a birthday with a child on earth. When I was pregnant with Luke I had bought him a set of circus finger puppets that I have been holding onto ever since. We thought Lucy's first birthday was the perfect time to pass those along to his baby sister. We finished off Lucy's birthday with her opening her present from her big brother in heaven. I just know Luke was there with us in spirit today, proud of his baby sister. Happy Birthday Sweet Lucy, we are so proud of you.

Lucy's First Easter

We celebrated Lucy's first Easter yesterday, and oh were we glad to spend it with her! Last Easter I was very pregnant with her, and I remember wishing with all my heart that we could have her in our arms for Easter. This year, I got my wish. I was overwhelmed with emotions yesterday - both joyful and sad. My entire being still aches to hold Luke and celebrate holidays with him AND Lucy. I choke up when I think about how much Lucy would have loved sharing the day with Luke and how her life would be so much better with him here. Heck, how all our lives would be better with Luke here. But that is not the way our journey lies. The path we are on is still a good one. We did experience joy yesterday, sharing our day with Lucy and I was overcome with happiness and gratitude more than I was with sadness. I am just so grateful and happy to have Lucy here in our arms, and also to have spent our first Easter in the house of our dreams. God has been so faithful to us on our journey and I can't explain just how overwhelming the feelings of being blessed was yesterday. The song that keeps running through my head is "Looks Like We Made It". We have come so far. Look at our beautiful daughter...

Yes, we have come so far.

We hope you all had a joy filled Easter too.

Eleven Months

Time is just flying by and Lucy seems to be more of a toddler than a baby these days. The biggest change this past month has been that Lucy is now walking while holding onto our hands. It is very exciting to watch and she is getting faster every day. Lucy can pull herself up on furniture now too, and can stand for short periods of time without holding on to anything. For the record, Will was watching Lucy as she practiced standing alone - on a window sill.Lucy just finished cutting her two top front teeth this week bringing her teeth total to four. She seems very proud of her efforts because every time she smiles now, she squints her eyes to make room for the giant grin that shows off her new pearly whites.

We were having quite a time getting Lucy to stay still for diaper changes. We finally found a trick that works - she will hold still as long as she gets to read a book while we change her diaper! I too enjoy a good bathroom read - like mother, like daughter!

Her love of reading extends to a love of paper. One of her favorite activities of the day is to help me open the mail. She likes to chew on the paper and especially likes the envelopes with the business window in them because they make a crinkley sound.

We've been trying to take walks every day now that the weather has warmed up a bit. It's still pretty cold though, so Lucy bears with us as we bundle her up because she loves to go for walks.

There is something about Lucy and Will in a turtleneck that makes them look so darn cute. The plant behind Lucy makes it look like she has more hair than her daddy! There is no doubt that Lucy is a daddy's girl, and becomes more of one every day. She misses him so much when he is at work and is so happy when he comes in the door.

Lucy's favorite word right now is "Hi" and she says it for everything from dawn to dusk and even in between dusk and dawn! It's hard not to smile even at 3 in the morning when a little voice is so energetically yelling "Hi!" She also will imitate sounds that we make from a dog barking to simple words like 'boo' and 'hug'. She also will clap her hands when you tell her to and jump up and down when you say the word 'jump'.

Ah, life with an almost one year old is going by too fast. Lucy does not like to be left alone for one minute which makes getting things like breakfast, lunch and dinner difficult, not to mention trying to pack up our house to move. That's right - we are moving again! We bought our dream house and will be moving in the next week. We are so excited and can hardly wait to start the next chapter of our life as a family. Here is our new house!

The next month will be bringing a lot of changes to our family - a new house, and a new one year old! Stay tuned!

Lucy at 10 Months

If it's possible, Lucy gets cuter with each passing month. This month was no exception as she continues to learn and grow. Her favorite pastime is still reading books with Will or I and the highlight for her is picking which book to read off of the bookshelf.

Her sense of humor continues to evolve and she finds it funny to open and close the book we are reading repeatedly while I either say "open, close" or "the end". The real trick is for her to see just how fast I can say these words without getting tongue tied. She finds this hilarious. She also is a fan of peek-a-boo, and this past month she learned how to do peek-a-boo to us. She puts her favorite blankie over her face, pauses for a couple of seconds while we wonder aloud "where's Lucy?", then pulls it down and giggles uncontrollably. The thing we find the funniest is that she is perfectly quiet while she is hiding under her blanket.

Lucy's vocabulary is also growing. In addition to her two favorite words of "Hi" and "Dada" usually used together, she also says "Bye", "Baby" and my favorite, "Mama." When she is really frustrated, she yells "MOM"! Someone advised me a while ago to never teach your child two things - how to say mom, and how to walk. So far I'm not regretting it. Ask me in 16 years though!

Speaking of walk - Lucy will take steps now while we hold her hands but she still does not like to crawl. She will do a backwards creep on her belly, but to move forward on her hands and knees is something she trys to avoid at all costs. Her preferred mode of transportation is mom or dad, while she reaches her arms towards the direction she would like to go. She did however enjoy being pulled in the sled a friend of mine let us borrow on a snow day this past month.

On the most recent snow day, Will built a snowman outside our front window that Lucy loves to look at and wave to while we sing "Frosty the Snowman". She also claps now when she is happy, excited and when I sing which is a great confidence booster for me - no one's ever clapped for my singing before! Will has also taught her how to give High Fives which is adorable. We're not quite sure who taught her this...

Lucy still enjoys mealtime and has been eating more and more table food. This past month we introduced eggs and citrus fruits which has been fun. Some of her favorite new foods include white chicken chili, cous cous, hummus, beef barley soup, chicken barley soup and 'french toast' which is really just bread and eggs fried together.

The biggest change we have noticed in Lucy this month though is her temper. She has begun throwing fits which we call the Dolphin because she will throw her head back and arch her back repeatedly if she doesn't get what she wants. It's funny but makes us nervous at the same time. Ten months seems so young to be so decided about what you do and do not want. I have a feeling that she is a very strong and determined little lady and Will and I are going to have to be extremely creative and stay on our toes with this one as the years go by! Here she's giving us a look that translates to "I dare you to take this remote control away from me!"

Finally, this past month Lucy got to celebrate her brother Luke's second birthday. Although it was a tough day for Will and I, Lucy did help us to feel like we were able to honor Luke with more family traditions. Thank you to all of our friends and family who supported us through this past month in your own special ways. It means more to us than we know how to say! I will sign off this post with one last picture - Lucy, dressed on Luke's birthday in a shirt given to Luke by Uncle Tim.

Happy Second Birthday Luke!

We hope you enjoyed your second birthday in Heaven Luke. It doesn't seem fair that something as joyous and happy as a birthday has to share the same day that you left us as well. Today we tried to remember the happy memories of our time with you. In your honor we enjoyed all of your favorite foods today - grilled cheese and clausen pickles for lunch and coney dogs, pringles and frozen pears for dinner. Lucy got to watch your two birthday candles sparkle atop a pair of chocolate cupcakes as we sang Happy Birthday to you. We couldn't help but wonder what it would have been like with you here to blow them out yourself. We know Lucy would have watched you in admiration and wonder. Your dad and I went through your memory box, photo album and baby book. We cried and smiled and laughed as we related stories about the day you were born, reminding each other of little details that one or the other of us had forgotten. My breath caught in my throat when my nose caught your scent in the outfit you wore when you were born. Your scent brought us right back to the day we got to hold you for the first time Luke, two years ago. We would do anything to bury our noses into the nape of your neck and breathe in your beautiful, sweet scent again. We miss you so much it hurts.
We love you Luke.
Happy Birthday.
Mama, Daddy and Baby Lucy

Luke's Upcoming Second Birthday

Will and I are still in disbelief that Luke's second birthday in Heaven is coming up on Friday. This second birthday is different from Luke's first. While the pain is not as raw as it was a year ago, it has turned into more of a dull ache that never fully goes away now. And although we can carry on with our day to day life now and experience joy and laughter again the world still isn't the same without our Luke here with us. Obviously the biggest change is that Lucy is here with us to celebrate her brother's second birthday. This makes things easier and harder at the same time. Lucy is definitely a positive distraction, as her needs demand attention and smiles but it is very painful to realize that we miss Luke not only as our son, but as Lucy's brother too. Lucy just lights up anytime she sees a child or baby and we can't help but imagine how happy she would be with Luke by her side, growing up together.

Will and I tend to classify our life together as before Luke and after Luke. Before Luke the world was rosy with possibility. We could talk for hours planning our future together, imagining our family, hopes and dreams. The day we lost Luke it seems we lost that rosy view of the world. Things still are beautiful to us, but after tasting the sorrow of losing our firstborn, we experience beauty differently now. On this earth there will always be an emptiness that no dream can fill. We still have dreams, and we are happy to report that we are currently watching several of them unfold into reality but there will always be that piece missing, knowing that we can never experience these dreams fully with an incomplete family on earth. It's a tough reality to face - the family pictures missing a child in them, the birthday celebrations, the family vacations, the holidays. Quite honestly, Will and I have been in denial about Luke's second birthday coming up. It is easy to find distractions this year and push the pain away for another time. It's hard to put into words how we are dreading the sadness that comes with February 19 but want to honor and celebrate our son's life at the same time.

A fellow blogger put it into perspective for us - the story of Will's and my life is still unfolding. God is writing each page with love and grace and plans for us to be happy and prosper. We just never expected a chapter called "Luke" that would completely change the course of our lives and the resulting chapters of our story. And although Luke is no longer with us, his presence can be felt on each subsequent page. We don't know what future chapters will hold for us either, but we are holding strong to our faith that God is with us through it all. Will and I are different people in the "After Luke" part of this story. We are glad that we were blessed with the nine months we had with Luke and wouldn't rewrite that chapter for the world. But we do miss him and are forever changed. God is a perfect author and we are looking to our future again with hope on Luke's second birthday.

In honor of Luke's second birthday Will and I made birdseed cupcakes. We will be bringing them to the cemetery on Friday and would like to invite our friends and family to stop by and get a cupcake to bring home and hang in your yard. Like last year, we will also have his journal card in a ziplock bag to keep it from getting wet. We left a pen in there last year, but the ink froze so we'll leave a pencil this time, or you can bring your own pen. You can feel free to leave your own card in the ziplock if you prefer too. If you can't make it to the cemetery, you are welcome to post a note on this blog. It would mean a lot to Will and I.

If you haven't been to the cemetery before, you can find directions at http://www.mtelliott.com/resurrection.html. Or you can follow Will's directions: upon entering the cemetery, take the tree lined entrance road until it ends. Turn right. Take this road until it ends and turn left. Go past one block. The second block on the left is where Luke is at. Go halfway up that block on the lefthand side and about five to six rows back. He is in section 23, plot 731. We have a smaller pine needle grave blanket with a small orange truck and some Christmas ornaments covering Luke's grave. There is also a small snowman that Will made at Luke's headstone. The cemetery is open from 7 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. daily. If you need more specifics on where Luke's plot is, you can ask at the office whose hours are from 9 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, and 9 a.m. - 4 p.m. on Saturday. We will have the card there through the end of the weekend (Sunday, February 21nd). Because the cemetery doesn't like any artificial decorations, the ziplock with the card will be tucked into the grave blanket just below Luke's headstone. Thank you to all of our friends and family who continue to remember Luke in your own special way and bring his name up, even when it feels uncomfortable or awkward. We cannot begin to tell you how much this means to us and we are forever grateful. Please keep us in your prayers as we journey through this week, filled with sad and happy memories of missing Luke.

Above is a snow angel I made for Luke on Sunday at the cemetery.