Bittersweet February

For the last ten years, February has been a difficult month for me.  Before Luke, I never had anything against February besides its usual frigid temperatures and it being at the point in winter where it feels like spring will never come.  After Luke, it is filled with memories and reminders.  This past February started out even more bittersweet for us with the passing of Will's grandma.   I say bittersweet, because when you love someone, thinking about them is sweet, despite the sadness that comes with missing them.  Will's grandma will be greatly missed, but Will has so many great memories of her and I feel blessed to have almost twenty years of great memories of her too.  She always made me feel as though I was one of her grandchildren, which is saying a lot, since she loved her grandchildren more than anything.  And I am also so grateful that Lucy, Emma and Violet got to feel and know her love for them too.  Here we are below at Thanksgiving this past year with Great Grandma J., as my kids called her.  

After Great Grandma J's funeral, Lucy got to help divide up the flower bouquets and I was reminded once again of the talent Lucy has with flowers, and her eye for design.  She was in her element.  I am so curious to see where this talent will take her.

Fortunately, the following weekend in February we had a happy occasion to celebrate - my nephew's third birthday and my niece's first birthday.  It was fun to have the cousins all together, and I have to give a shout out to my brother and sister-in-law who cooked a steak and potato dinner just for me, as they know that steak agrees with Opal and I.  

Family and friends helped get me through the month of February.  Below are good times with good friends...at a new restaurant for a lunch date, at the park on an unseasonably warm afternoon, and single mom dinner when both husbands are working late and you have a passel of kids between the two of you that demand dinner whether dad works late or not.

We had a quiet Valentine's Day this year because I didn't have the inspiration to send out cards or make themed crafts or baked goods.  Fortunately for my kids, Will made Valentine's Day cards and bought chocolates for each of them and signed both of our names (my kids were not fooled and referred to the cards and chocolate as from Daddy) and grandmas and grandpas and my aunt spoiled them with cards, chocolates and gifts.  The kids were especially excited that Grandma T. had found a chocolate for them in each of their favorite animals - a frog for Lucy, a polar bear for Emma and an owl for Violet.  I received a treat in the mail on Valentine's Day, as the hat and scarf set I had ordered handmade from Lithuania two months ago finally arrived!  There is Emma below, modeling my new hat.

We plugged away at school this past month, and are at the point in the school year where it is running quite smooth and are even realizing that summer break isn't that far away anymore.  In clockwise order from top left below: Lucy and Emma dancing for Parent Observation Day at ballet class, Emma working on her Geography while Lucy is in her piano lesson, Violet working on drawing with me while her sisters are having their piano lesson, Violet showing her amazing cutting skills while at her sisters' piano lesson, a store list that Will asked Lucy to write out for him that was his idea of sneaking in more handwriting practice but Lucy turned into artwork, Emma writing out a thank you note, the girls lined up on a school morning because there is only one of me and three of them and they all needed something: for mom to put clothes on a Ken doll, check answers, and read spelling words, and finally, Lucy writing a thank you note.

We had lots of indoor playtime, as it is February, and some of the less self-explanatory pictures below are Violet showing me how to play cat's cradle, Lucy showing me her Ken doll all bandaged up after he had a serious accident, Violet marching solemnly through our dining room while Lucy sang the song from the Sound of Music "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria", and Emma and Violet putting on a show for me.

I cannot even begin to explain the level of happiness it gives me to see my three girls play together.  When they fight, it is one of the most draining feelings.  Fortunately for me these days, they do play well together for most of the day.  Here they are below, in the snow.

Our weather warmed up for about a week and I realized that they play far more peacefully in the snow than they do in the mud.  They did find ways to entertain themselves though without the snow (just not for as long as if there was snow) and they had fun playing tag, Statues in the Park, Capture the Flag with Will, and making gourmet mud food at their outdoor restaurant for me.  We even had a snack on the front porch one day this past month, that's how warm it was.  Of course Charlie, after a winter of uncivilized socialization, broke up the snack crew with his licking and stealing of the cheese puffs the girls were eating.

Oh, Charlie.  He has become quite the lovable pest.  It isn't his fault that I am highly allergic to him.  But the cat can't take no for an answer.  Personally, if I was continually given the cold shoulder, I would move on but not Charlie.  He just climbs up on my shoulder now and sits there, purring contentedly as apparently I am his person.  I try to make my lap as unaccommodating as possible by leaning forward in my chair or keeping the book I am reading as a block (Opal definitely helps too) but occasionally he finds a way into my lap and when he finally does leave, I am left with muddy paw prints, hives where his claws went through my pant legs and cat hair everywhere.  A guaranteed load of laundry and a shot of Benadryl.  He's lucky he is so cute. 

Will is my person, and thank goodness he is not allergic to me.  Below are some of the many reasons that I am grateful to have him in my life: he supports me 100% in my honey business and makes no complaints about all of the manual labor involved in setting up and taking down my booth at different shows (not to mention the bee stings and manual labor that is beekeeping), he sees a challenge and is inspired to find a solution - from fixing my printer that I ruined even more after I attempted to fix it myself, to seeing the mess that is the girls' hair accessories in our bathroom and using a spare school supply caddy to organize it all so brilliantly, to caring for our chickens, to not feeling phased or stressed when all three girls want to help him make breakfast in the kitchen.

On top of which, he is the most amazing father to our five children.  Here we are below, doing our best to celebrate our firstborn's 10th birthday.  I have been torn for several years now about the environmental impact our traditional balloon launch has on the environment, but have been unable to think of a better way for our kids to symbolically interact between heaven and earth with their brother.  If Luke's birthday was in a warmer month, a butterfly release would be a no-brainer.  Will's solution - we will only release one balloon from here on out, and have thereby lessened our impact on the local plants and wildlife by 4/5.  Emma made a plaque of wood this year that she had each of us write a message to Luke on to leave at the cemetery, and there was even enough snow to make a mini snowman for him too.

We had a quiet day together, and made a homemade banana cake with cream cheese frosting that all five of us took a section from the top to decorate.  Friends delivered beautiful yellow tulips and the only kind of treat my body can tolerate right now (Hershey's milk chocolate bars - who knew!?), and we ate some of Luke's favorite foods from when I was pregnant with him - frozen pears, grilled cheese, beef roast, and of course, Tootsie-Rolls.  I was happy to be able to eat the frozen pears and beef roast.

I had some good cries on his birthday, and like the past ten years, was very relieved when his birthday  was over.  I am hoping that someday I will not dread his birthday, and focus only on the love that I have for my sweet boy.  We went through his memory box before bed, and read the stories that I read to him while he was in my belly.  Violet was hit by the weight of it, and went to bed crying heartbreaking tears while she clutched a "Luke stuffed animal" that was given to Luke at his baby shower.  This is the first time that the weight of missing Luke has hit Violet, and although my kids have never met their brother earthside, they feel his missing presence too.  I can honestly say that not a day goes by in our house where Luke's name isn't brought up by one of us, and for that I am grateful.  It is so nice to know that he holds his place in our family, no matter where he is.

It has been an interesting month emotionally, missing and remembering Luke while also preparing for and anticipating Opal's arrival.  Opal's due date on what should have been Luke's birthday ten years to the date has caused some increased anxiety in me, and I will just be so relieved when she is safe and sound in my arms and I can cover her in kisses and love.  After Luke's birthday was past, I started focusing in on what needs to be completed for Opal's arrival.  Here we are below getting ready for our newest gal: Will and the girls putting together the new umbrella stroller from Will's parents as our last one - from Luke's baby shower actually - finally broke this past fall, Will putting the crib together for the fifth time, the girls helping me sort through all of the girl baby clothes (my fourth time doing this and each time gets better because the sentimental memories just keep compiling with each daughter that has worn them), me sewing a little project or two for Opal, me with Opal's coming home from the hospital outfit, and finally, Lucy helping me with color choices for the sewing project I did for Opal.

Finally, Will cleaned out our car for the fifth time (okay, maybe not fifth time but based on the filth level, it sure seemed like it) as it only ever occurs to us how dirty our car really is when we are faced with the prospect of bringing a newborn home in it...

...and of course it took hours to clean and then to figure out how to put in all of the carseats and booster seats based on the requirements of who can independently buckle, who can't handle sitting next to who, and how mom will get all four kids into the vehicle as safely and efficiently as possible.  I think I may be staying home more, is all I have to say!  Thank goodness for grocery delivery!

So that was our February - saying goodbye to Great Grandma J., who I know spent Luke's birthday with him, remembering our Luke, and preparing for our Opal.  Isn't that just life though, the bitter with the sweet and the crumbs in the car from the ones that you love.