Luke's 6th Birthday

Six years ago today we held our son for the first and the last time and our lives were forever changed.  Six years ago today we learned first hand what it feels like to love someone so much that your heart soars higher than it ever has before, even while being split in half.

I have lost a piece of my heart with the birth of each of my children.  I have given this part of me gladly, however I never anticipated that one of my babies would take a piece of my heart to heaven before I got there.  So while my heart continues to beat here, I am ever so grateful to hold the babies on earth that keep a piece of my heart, while remembering and honoring the part of me that has gone ahead, to heaven.  Until I am able to hold all the pieces of my heart together in one place, I will do whatever I can to keep Luke's memory alive in my heart, my family, and my home.  

This past weekend we had an impromptu get together with my family and when dessert came around, my sister in law capitalized on the cheese cake being served and decided that we couldn't eat a cake without singing to the next birthday person in the family.  I know this was her sweet way of including Luke into our gathering.  I choked back tears as my girls and their cousin sang to Luke in heaven and blew out his six birthday candles.

The day before Luke's birthday we made bird seed pine cones to leave at the cemetery for our friends and family that stopped by.

Afterwards, we went to the party store to buy balloons to launch at the cemetery the next morning.  The girls were very excited about this, and picked two balloons each - one to keep at home, and one to let "fall up to heaven."  Here they are below watching the balloons filling up with helium.

I choked back tears again when I realized that I was taking pictures of my family walking to the car with the balloons.  Without Luke here, it seems all of my picture taking is a feeble attempt to create memories when the subject of the memory is missing.

On the morning of Luke's birthday, I found Lucy and Emma sitting below, playing Balloon Store with the balloons.  I couldn't help but choke back tears yet again when I saw them sitting with their arms around each other while chatting, wishing Luke was encircled in the imaginative conversation too.

We made it to the cemetery bright and early and waited in the car eating Tootsie Rolls while Will shoveled a pathway to Luke's grave.  It was the most snow we have seen in the six years we've been coming to visit Luke's grave but it was also the warmest - 35 degrees.  And after the winter we've had, it felt positively balmy.  In fact, Luke's birthday today was the first day above freezing this year.  This was a gift we were very appreciative of.

We launched our balloons and all four flew free to heaven.  We watched them until they disappeared into the clouds.  The girls are certain that Luke was able to reach out and grab them.

We do a traditional "family hug" before leaving the cemetery, and today was no different.  Here are the five of us below with Violet warm in my tummy.  This is as close as we will ever get to being together as a family of six on earth, standing at our son's grave.

After the cemetery we had breakfast at Panera, and then headed to our weekly chiropractor appointment.  Our chiropractor adjusted me when I was pregnant with Luke and hence has always been an understanding place for us to go on Luke's birthday.  Otherwise, we prefer to spend it alone as a family.  After our appointment, we headed home to our traditional lunch of the things I craved when I was pregnant with Luke - grilled cheese sandwiches, Clausen pickles and frozen pears.  After lunch we read the stories that remind us of Luke before naps - Puff the Magic Dragon, Where Do Balloons Go, and I Can Only Imagine.

After naps we headed outside to enjoy the sunshine.  We stayed outside as long as possible, built a snowman, made snow angels, built another snow fort, threw snowballs, chatted with neighbors and played with Charlie.

Before heading in for the evening, the girls hung their birdseed pine cones for Luke.  It was wonderful to be able to spend time outside on Luke's birthday, and just be together as a family in our favorite environment.  This is not typical on February 19th in Michigan and the rareness made it all the more special.

Before dinner we iced and decorated Luke's birthday cake.  This year the girls wanted to make him heart-shaped chocolate cakes.  We made six little hearts in honor of Luke's sixth birthday and I baked the rest of the batter into a simple round cake.

After a dinner of more Luke foods - roast beef and mashed potatoes - we sang to our Lukey in heaven and the girls blew out his six candles.

Before we put the girls to bed we went through Luke's memory box, a tradition Will and I have always done in the past while the girls were sleeping.  The girls were completely enthralled with the contents of Luke's box and loved holding his outfits that he wore in the hospital, looking at the pictures and reviewing all of the various mementos we have saved over the past six years that remind us of Luke.  Seeing Luke's items through their eyes helped keep my eyes dry and it was definitely a blessing to share our most treasured possessions with our girls.

Today we pictured Luke celebrating his birthday in heaven with several new guests this year - two little cousins Ethan and Jack, as well as our good friend's dad who wasn't healthy enough to play with his grandkids on earth.  I just know that Luke, Ethan and Jack are into all sorts of angelic mischief and that Grandpa Bob is finally able to do all the fun and silly things he couldn't do with his grandkids on earth.

It was a peaceful day, filled with great family harmony.  We were all completely present in the moment with nothing on our agenda for the day besides remembering Luke.  I am grateful for the traditions we have put into place over the last six years as it has provided a framework for healing and is the structure we need to get through the most difficult day of the year for our family.

Thank you to all of our friends and family for remembering our Luke, and giving us the love we need to carry on until we are all reunited in heaven again, with the pieces of our hearts mended together at last.

Happy birthday Luke, we love you!