Traditions to Remember

My heart has been heavy missing Luke this holiday and my mind has been consumed by several close family and friends who are missing someone this year too.  The holidays have taken on a different dimension since I lost Luke, and this holiday is no different.  That doesn't mean that I am unable to find joy - I am.  It's just that the joy is made brighter by the missing and the missing is made darker by the joy.  This contrast has tapped into a depth of emotion that I have never experienced before losing Luke.  Maybe because I am pregnant I am just more emotional to begin with, but I have to say that Luke's absence has not been made less by the addition of another little baby to our family.  It is hard when someone's face lights up at my pregnant belly and says, "Oh wow!  You're expecting a third!  How wonderful!"  Or, "Good luck with three!  It is so different from two!"  It is painful to be reminded, no matter how good these sweet people's intentions are, that the world does not know that I already have a son, and the baby growing in my belly is actually my fourth.  Because of this, I cling tightly to traditions that help me to feel the presence of each of my four children together in one place.  Christmas is the perfect opportunity to impart such traditions, and below is my attempt at seeing my little family as together as possible until we all are reunited together in heaven.

I feel so blessed that we were able to find out the health and gender of Baby T four at the beginning of December.  We are having another GIRL and she is healthy!

Because Will and I learned first hand that we do not know how long we get to have our babies on earth, we love to name our children as soon as possible.  And despite my complete surprise at her being a girl - I thought for sure we were having our second boy! - we have named her with the help of one of our first family traditions.  If you will remember, not long after I found out I was pregnant with Lucy I was desperately praying for a sign that this baby would be healthy.  Luke came to me in a dream and told me that I was going to have a healthy baby girl named Lucy.  Several months later our ultrasound confirmed that we were definitely having a healthy baby girl.  Flash forward two years later and I am pregnant with our third child.  We had already found out at our ultrasound that we were having a second little girl but we had yet to have any ideas for a name.  I prayed one Sunday morning that God would give me a sign and that afternoon as Will, Lucy and I were sitting at the table together coloring, Lucy informed us that she was coloring a picture of her baby sister named Emma.  Flash forward three more years and we tell Lucy and Emma that we are having a baby.  Emma immediately informed us that the baby's name was Purple Flower.  Will and I laughed, and thought nothing more of it.  In the months leading up to Baby T Four's ultrasound, I became more and more convinced that I was having a boy and even had a boy name typed on our Christmas card - ready to be printed out as soon as the ultrasound confirmed my thoughts.  Emma continued to tell Will and I that the baby was a girl named Purple Flower but I was so convinced I was carrying a boy that I just laughed and chalked it up to purple being Emma's favorite color and her not wanting a baby brother.  After the ultrasound revealed our fourth child was another girl, we started giving Emma's name consideration.  After all, Luke named Lucy, Lucy named Emma, perhaps we should let Emma name Baby T Four?  But Purple Flower?

With slight modification, we are happy to introduce Baby T Four as Violet Rose Timmerman!

 

Her name has been officially sewn onto her stocking, as well as added to the traditional family Christmas ornament.

I can't tell you just how much I love seeing all four of my children's names together, if even it is just a stocking line up, or four gingerbread ornaments hanging on my Christmas tree.

I also immediately contacted the graphic designer of our Christmas card to change the boy name to a girl name.  She was very non judgemental when she found out I had named the baby as a boy without having ultrasound proof!

Which brings me to my last story.  This year's Christmas card.  I love sending out Christmas cards and updating my family and friends addresses by adding new addresses and names as well as acknowledging the names that have gone to heaven over the past year.  I also love the chance to sign all of our names, including my traditional line of "With Luke Forever in our Hearts."  This is my one chance each year to have Luke's name in a card.  But this year I wanted something completely different.  I wanted to find a way to show all of my babies together in one place, while announcing our fourth child's gender and name.  This is no easy task with one child in heaven and another child still in my tummy.  I finally came up with the above image and found an artist who was able to put our silhouettes into black and white while adding in Luke's and Violet's presence too!  It is my favorite picture of the year by far and I will treasure it forever.  

But there is more to the card than even I could have planned.  Because of the name change needed for the card, I ended up having to pay for rush shipping to get the cards to me before Christmas.  Completely worth the extra cost, but when they arrived on my doorstep the print quality was horrible.  I could barely read the words and the silhouettes were blurry.  I called the company and they told me that there was no way that they could get the reprints to me before Christmas.  In desperation, I called a local printer who has done a great job this year with handling all of our math poster printing.  He had the cards in my hand within three hours of me calling him.  Amazing turnaround and the cards looked great.  The downside however, is that they cost three times as much.  To make my frugal self feel better about the cost, I told myself that there had to be a reason that this happened with the cards and although I may never know, I will trust in a higher power and pay the price to have my Christmas cards out in time for Christmas.  I mailed the check with one of the Christmas cards to my printer.  Christmas eve I received an email from my printer.  He was touched by our Christmas card, and then shared a story about himself that I had NO IDEA about.  And probably never would have.  He has a child in heaven as well.  Comforting words were shared and our children were remembered by someone who knows first hand the scariness and sacredness of sharing our children's story.  I can't tell you how much this has been on my mind and how much it means to me.  I truly believe that his daughter and my son got together in heaven and helped show their parents that they are not alone in their missing and that they are still very much with us.

I am truly blessed and emotional beyond words this Christmas.  The pain, the joy, the love and the remembering are all wrapped up in my heart and it is overflowing with happy and sad tears.  

Here's to a Merry Christmas where you feel the presence of your loved ones near and far, on earth and in heaven.