Happy 5th Birthday Luke!

Letting Go

Luke's fifth birthday dawned bright and early due to a combination of insomnia and little ones.  Fortunately, there is something therapeutic to rocking a baby in the middle of the night and thinking.  I might as well hold a warm, cuddly baby than lay with my eyes wide open in bed while I tried to process my dad's surgery and Luke's birthday.  Normally when faced with insomnia I start freaking out around 2 a.m. about how little sleep I have left and how tired I am going to inevitably be when the girls wake up in the morning.  It occurred to me somewhere around 4:30 a.m. that God knows exactly what February 19th is to me, and He will get me through my son's birthday whether I sleep or not, if only I remember to ask Him.  I could almost hear Him whisper to me in the dark, "Let go Liz.  Let go." 

I just kept thinking about all that we needed to do on Luke's birthday since I was gone for most of the day yesterday for my dad's surgery.  The anxiety was definitely building and I was getting afraid that I wouldn't have enough time to do everything I wanted to honor Luke.  Somewhere around 5 a.m. I decided that I was going to abandon my normal mode of operation and do my best to just let the day unfold on it's own.  What unfolded from here was the kind of day I could have never planned myself.  It was a beautiful day.  Here are the pictures to go along with our family's birthday traditions for Luke and how we let go.

We did prepare a bit in advance for today by making birdseed ornaments to bring to the cemetery.  This year we made them in the shape of a star and a tulip.  The girls had a lot of fun with this project, and Will and I enjoyed seeing them work together.

We had a great morning yesterday too, before I left for the hospital to be with my family for my dad's surgery.  Will and I love to create things with our hands, and the girls seem to enjoy this as well.  We spent Monday morning crafting and creating things to help us remember Luke's birthday.  The girls made birthday cards for him, and Will created a sturdy birthday guest book card to leave at the cemetery on his birthday with multiple pages that can be added on to each year.  I was in and out between the craft table and the kitchen as I made sure Emma didn't cut Lucy's hair, admired Lucy's artwork and baked a chocolate birthday cake.  We were all in a creative groove, and we had a great rhythm going.  I love how the four of us can create together, each doing their own thing, but contributing to the greater whole at the same time.  Time stood still and I continued to let go.

After breakfast today, I made a batch of my grandma Hines' seven minute frosting and then we left for the cemetery.  On the way there, we stopped by a flower shop for a bouquet of yellow tulips and a party store to pick up some balloons.  This year we have added a new tradition - a balloon launch.  We each picked out a balloon to let go, and then bought a personalized mylar balloon to tie to his grave blanket.  As I've mentioned before, Will and I love to see Luke's name in print as it is the only physical image we will ever have of him on earth.  When we walked out of the party supply store the wind almost took the balloons away.  We carefully got them into the trunk of the car and as we headed to the cemetery, I talked to the girls about how we were going to let the balloons go.

The girls were beaming from ear to ear on the way to the cemetery as the balloons bounced behind them and their excitement was contagious.  When we arrived at the cemetery we were greeted by a wind so cold and sharp that any exposed skin burned from the sting of it.  Every year on Luke's birthday we are greeted by this same strong and icy gust, and we can't help but wonder if Luke is trying to wrap his arms around us with the wind.

No sooner did I make the comment to Will that it was too bad there wasn't someone to take a picture of the balloon launch than my sister pulled up.  Jane is Luke's godmother and has always had such a special spot in her heart for him.  Her arrival couldn't have been more perfect.  As she got out of her car with a big smile on her face another huge gust of wind nearly knocked her over.  We laughed as we said that Luke sure has a way of saying hello. Sweet, gloveless Jane took these pictures.  I love this picture below as it symbolizes so wonderfully our little family letting go.

The yellow balloon got stuck in a tree and popped shortly after we let it go.  The purple balloon also got stuck in a tree, but just when we thought it wasn't going any further, it floated out of the tree and made a zig zag across the sky until it was a tiny spec on the horizon and then finally disappeared.  We like to imagine Luke picking the balloon from the clouds.

After the balloon launch I asked Jane if she wanted to sign Luke's birthday card guest book in the car since it was so cold outside.  She laughed and said that it wouldn't be the full Luke experience if she wasn't shivering from cold.  Her perspective showed me how much this tradition means to her as well, and for that I am eternally grateful.

We shared some frozen tootsie rolls and did our traditional family hug, happy to have Jane join in.  I can only hope that Lucy and Emma are there for each other as Jane has been there for me.

 Jane indulged us with one more family shot before we ran to our cars for warmth.

 After the cemetery, we said goodbye to Jane and the four of us went out for lunch.  Will was given a gift card to a Polish restaurant from my brother Mike at Christmas and we thought, what better a day to enjoy some fried comfort food, than Luke's birthday.  Will and I ordered various Polish platter combos and the girls were happy to see that hot dogs were on the menu.  We had a wonderful, happy lunch together enjoying good food and the cuteness of our angels on earth.

After lunch, we had just enough time to make the drive to a doctor appointment for Emma.  I had been dreading this appointment because I didn't want to do a mundane thing on Luke's birthday.  On top of it, the appointment was at the same hospital Luke was born at and not a close drive from our house.  I had tried canceling it, but it is impossible to even get in to this doctor and their reschedule dates were in April.   Lucy was excited to be at the hospital that Luke was born at and her excitement took away any sadness we were feeling as we recognized familiar corridors, benches and doorways from our time spent there with Luke.  Emma's behavior also helped distract us and we were cracking up at her antics when the doctor walked in.

I gave Emma my phone to play with so that she would hold still while the doctor examined her.  Emma found the pictures of us at the cemetery and proudly showed the doctor the balloon launch.  After the third time the doctor heard, "Purple BOON!  Wind!  Heaven!  Luke!" illustrated by the pictures on my phone, we awkwardly felt the need to translate.  We briefly shared with her that five years ago today at this very hospital, Lucy and Emma's big brother Luke was stillborn.  She didn't have anything to say except that based on Emma's excitement, the balloon launch must have really made an impact on Emma.  Will and I were slightly uncomfortable, however it was nice to see that our kids have no qualms talking about their big brother in heaven.

After the doctor appointment I would have normally been extremely uptight that it was now 3:30 and Emma was almost three hours past due for a nap.  Instead, we threw caution to the wind and went to a unique toy shop just down the road that Lucy had expressed interest in multiple times.  This toy store was like a Babies R Us for dolls - they had as many doll strollers, clothes and accessories to warrant a registry.  Both Lucy and Emma were in their element.  Will and I stood around and watched them play - Lucy found a life-like double doll stroller that she pushed around and Emma had fun cooking up something hot at the play kitchen display.  After half an hour, it became clear to Will and I that we needed to come up with an exit strategy or we would be here the rest of the day.  We finally got them back in the car - one of them civilly, and one of them kicking and screaming.  Both of them fell asleep before we got home which was enough of a nap to get them through the rest of the evening festivities in a good mood.  I iced Luke's birthday cake while Will cooked up grilled cheese, served with a side of Clausen pickles and frozen pears.  Directly after dinner we sang Happy Birthday to Luke, blew out five candles as a family and watched the flames let go into silvery smoke towards heaven.

At bedtime we read the book, "Where Do Balloons Go," by Jamie Lee Curtis which was the inspiration for our balloon launch earlier.  We also read a book that was given to us shortly after Luke died called, "I Can Only Imagine."  Lucy fell asleep holding the stuffed animal duck that we had gotten at Luke's baby shower.  It was the perfect ending to a wonderful day.

Luke, you will always be a valued member of our family and we will never forget you.  We think and talk about you multiple times every day and wonder what you would be like now that you are five.  I dream about what your hair would smell like when I kiss the top of your head, or what your hand would feel like in mine as I walk across a street with you and your sisters.  I wonder what parts of the world would fill you with excitement, how you would interact with your sisters and what your laugh would sound like.  I am forever grateful that I was chosen to be your mom, and that I had the privilege to hold you your entire life on earth.  We love you Lukey.  xoxo Mom, Dad, Lucy and Emma.

Yes, five years ago today I was forced to let go.  I have been learning what it means to let go ever since.