Happy 5th Birthday Luke!

Letting Go

Luke's fifth birthday dawned bright and early due to a combination of insomnia and little ones.  Fortunately, there is something therapeutic to rocking a baby in the middle of the night and thinking.  I might as well hold a warm, cuddly baby than lay with my eyes wide open in bed while I tried to process my dad's surgery and Luke's birthday.  Normally when faced with insomnia I start freaking out around 2 a.m. about how little sleep I have left and how tired I am going to inevitably be when the girls wake up in the morning.  It occurred to me somewhere around 4:30 a.m. that God knows exactly what February 19th is to me, and He will get me through my son's birthday whether I sleep or not, if only I remember to ask Him.  I could almost hear Him whisper to me in the dark, "Let go Liz.  Let go." 

I just kept thinking about all that we needed to do on Luke's birthday since I was gone for most of the day yesterday for my dad's surgery.  The anxiety was definitely building and I was getting afraid that I wouldn't have enough time to do everything I wanted to honor Luke.  Somewhere around 5 a.m. I decided that I was going to abandon my normal mode of operation and do my best to just let the day unfold on it's own.  What unfolded from here was the kind of day I could have never planned myself.  It was a beautiful day.  Here are the pictures to go along with our family's birthday traditions for Luke and how we let go.

We did prepare a bit in advance for today by making birdseed ornaments to bring to the cemetery.  This year we made them in the shape of a star and a tulip.  The girls had a lot of fun with this project, and Will and I enjoyed seeing them work together.

We had a great morning yesterday too, before I left for the hospital to be with my family for my dad's surgery.  Will and I love to create things with our hands, and the girls seem to enjoy this as well.  We spent Monday morning crafting and creating things to help us remember Luke's birthday.  The girls made birthday cards for him, and Will created a sturdy birthday guest book card to leave at the cemetery on his birthday with multiple pages that can be added on to each year.  I was in and out between the craft table and the kitchen as I made sure Emma didn't cut Lucy's hair, admired Lucy's artwork and baked a chocolate birthday cake.  We were all in a creative groove, and we had a great rhythm going.  I love how the four of us can create together, each doing their own thing, but contributing to the greater whole at the same time.  Time stood still and I continued to let go.

After breakfast today, I made a batch of my grandma Hines' seven minute frosting and then we left for the cemetery.  On the way there, we stopped by a flower shop for a bouquet of yellow tulips and a party store to pick up some balloons.  This year we have added a new tradition - a balloon launch.  We each picked out a balloon to let go, and then bought a personalized mylar balloon to tie to his grave blanket.  As I've mentioned before, Will and I love to see Luke's name in print as it is the only physical image we will ever have of him on earth.  When we walked out of the party supply store the wind almost took the balloons away.  We carefully got them into the trunk of the car and as we headed to the cemetery, I talked to the girls about how we were going to let the balloons go.

The girls were beaming from ear to ear on the way to the cemetery as the balloons bounced behind them and their excitement was contagious.  When we arrived at the cemetery we were greeted by a wind so cold and sharp that any exposed skin burned from the sting of it.  Every year on Luke's birthday we are greeted by this same strong and icy gust, and we can't help but wonder if Luke is trying to wrap his arms around us with the wind.

No sooner did I make the comment to Will that it was too bad there wasn't someone to take a picture of the balloon launch than my sister pulled up.  Jane is Luke's godmother and has always had such a special spot in her heart for him.  Her arrival couldn't have been more perfect.  As she got out of her car with a big smile on her face another huge gust of wind nearly knocked her over.  We laughed as we said that Luke sure has a way of saying hello. Sweet, gloveless Jane took these pictures.  I love this picture below as it symbolizes so wonderfully our little family letting go.

The yellow balloon got stuck in a tree and popped shortly after we let it go.  The purple balloon also got stuck in a tree, but just when we thought it wasn't going any further, it floated out of the tree and made a zig zag across the sky until it was a tiny spec on the horizon and then finally disappeared.  We like to imagine Luke picking the balloon from the clouds.

After the balloon launch I asked Jane if she wanted to sign Luke's birthday card guest book in the car since it was so cold outside.  She laughed and said that it wouldn't be the full Luke experience if she wasn't shivering from cold.  Her perspective showed me how much this tradition means to her as well, and for that I am eternally grateful.

We shared some frozen tootsie rolls and did our traditional family hug, happy to have Jane join in.  I can only hope that Lucy and Emma are there for each other as Jane has been there for me.

 Jane indulged us with one more family shot before we ran to our cars for warmth.

 After the cemetery, we said goodbye to Jane and the four of us went out for lunch.  Will was given a gift card to a Polish restaurant from my brother Mike at Christmas and we thought, what better a day to enjoy some fried comfort food, than Luke's birthday.  Will and I ordered various Polish platter combos and the girls were happy to see that hot dogs were on the menu.  We had a wonderful, happy lunch together enjoying good food and the cuteness of our angels on earth.

After lunch, we had just enough time to make the drive to a doctor appointment for Emma.  I had been dreading this appointment because I didn't want to do a mundane thing on Luke's birthday.  On top of it, the appointment was at the same hospital Luke was born at and not a close drive from our house.  I had tried canceling it, but it is impossible to even get in to this doctor and their reschedule dates were in April.   Lucy was excited to be at the hospital that Luke was born at and her excitement took away any sadness we were feeling as we recognized familiar corridors, benches and doorways from our time spent there with Luke.  Emma's behavior also helped distract us and we were cracking up at her antics when the doctor walked in.

I gave Emma my phone to play with so that she would hold still while the doctor examined her.  Emma found the pictures of us at the cemetery and proudly showed the doctor the balloon launch.  After the third time the doctor heard, "Purple BOON!  Wind!  Heaven!  Luke!" illustrated by the pictures on my phone, we awkwardly felt the need to translate.  We briefly shared with her that five years ago today at this very hospital, Lucy and Emma's big brother Luke was stillborn.  She didn't have anything to say except that based on Emma's excitement, the balloon launch must have really made an impact on Emma.  Will and I were slightly uncomfortable, however it was nice to see that our kids have no qualms talking about their big brother in heaven.

After the doctor appointment I would have normally been extremely uptight that it was now 3:30 and Emma was almost three hours past due for a nap.  Instead, we threw caution to the wind and went to a unique toy shop just down the road that Lucy had expressed interest in multiple times.  This toy store was like a Babies R Us for dolls - they had as many doll strollers, clothes and accessories to warrant a registry.  Both Lucy and Emma were in their element.  Will and I stood around and watched them play - Lucy found a life-like double doll stroller that she pushed around and Emma had fun cooking up something hot at the play kitchen display.  After half an hour, it became clear to Will and I that we needed to come up with an exit strategy or we would be here the rest of the day.  We finally got them back in the car - one of them civilly, and one of them kicking and screaming.  Both of them fell asleep before we got home which was enough of a nap to get them through the rest of the evening festivities in a good mood.  I iced Luke's birthday cake while Will cooked up grilled cheese, served with a side of Clausen pickles and frozen pears.  Directly after dinner we sang Happy Birthday to Luke, blew out five candles as a family and watched the flames let go into silvery smoke towards heaven.

At bedtime we read the book, "Where Do Balloons Go," by Jamie Lee Curtis which was the inspiration for our balloon launch earlier.  We also read a book that was given to us shortly after Luke died called, "I Can Only Imagine."  Lucy fell asleep holding the stuffed animal duck that we had gotten at Luke's baby shower.  It was the perfect ending to a wonderful day.

Luke, you will always be a valued member of our family and we will never forget you.  We think and talk about you multiple times every day and wonder what you would be like now that you are five.  I dream about what your hair would smell like when I kiss the top of your head, or what your hand would feel like in mine as I walk across a street with you and your sisters.  I wonder what parts of the world would fill you with excitement, how you would interact with your sisters and what your laugh would sound like.  I am forever grateful that I was chosen to be your mom, and that I had the privilege to hold you your entire life on earth.  We love you Lukey.  xoxo Mom, Dad, Lucy and Emma.

Yes, five years ago today I was forced to let go.  I have been learning what it means to let go ever since.  

Wind, Foo-foos and Molars

This past month has been quite challenging with Emma.  She has not been sleeping well at all, and her mood reflects this.  I went back through this blog the other night to see if what I had written about Lucy at 22 months could shed any light on Emma at 22 months.  I was surprised to read that Lucy had just finished getting her canine teeth and it would be months yet before she started working on her two-year molars.  Okay, I thought, maybe that explains the sour mood as Emma is getting her two-year molars a lot earlier than Lucy did.  I also read that Lucy was sleeping the best she had in her life at 22 months and I feel like Emma is sleeping almost as bad as she ever has.  I say almost, because it hasn't gotten to the point where we are having to sit upright with her in a chair because of her tummy, but she has been spending a lot of time in Will's and my bed which makes for some very tiring nights.  After getting up so many times to calm Emma down, I just give up and bring her to our bed.  Which is really no better than being awake in her room with her, but at least I get to lay down with blankets on me.  However, she spends the rest of the night kicking, head butting, pinching and rolling all over us.  This kid is like a bull in a china shop.  I woke up one morning with dried blood all over my lip and another morning with a bruise between my left eye and my eyebrow.  

Emma seems to have developed some night time fears, which is several months earlier than Lucy did too (again, according to this blog!).  Several weeks ago we had a very strong wind storm at night and a piece of aluminum siding outside Emma's bedroom window became loose and kept flapping loudly in the wind.  This was the start of the fears, and before the night was over a large branch hit the window which not only startled Emma, but her mama too!  Ever since that fateful night, she keeps talking about the wind being as loud as a truck and how she wants to sleep in mama and dada's bed.  The conversation goes something like this: "Wind, loud.  Truck, loud.  Mama Dada bed nigh-nigh."

To make matters worse, Emma has developed a fear of dogs.  She never liked dogs and cats, but now it is at extreme levels.  If we go to someones house where a dog or cat lives, she refuses to be set down and freaks out uncontrollably if I need to set her down to say, tie someones shoes.  After she discusses the wind as loud as a truck before bed, we move onto how she is afraid that dogs will bite her toes.  "Foo-foo (dog) toes no bite!" she repeats to me over and over again as I try to calm her down for sleep. With all that being said, I realize that the below pictures reflect nothing of the emotional distraught, exhausted little girl we have had to handle with special care this past month.  So, forget everything I just wrote and tell yourself that based on the below pictures, she was as sweet as can be this month.

Here she is below, hanging with me in the kitchen early one morning before the sun came up.  There gets to be a certain point in the night where I admit defeat and just call it an early morning.

Because of her little sleep, by the time dinner rolled around she was usually such a hot mess she refused to sit at the table for dinner.  We don't have too many rules at this house, but one of them is you have to eat at the table.  She missed several dinners because of this, and yup, you guessed it, got up even earlier the next morning because she was hungry.  It seems we just can't win.  Here she is below looking contrary to everything I've just described to you.

If Emma had it her way, she would eat sausage at every meal.  She will usually ask me for sausage and pancakes when she is hungry and if she is lucky enough to get sausage as part of her meal, you better eat yours first or she will beg you for yours and you will end up with nothing.  Just ask Lucy.

This little dear is starting to develop a love of rainbows just like her big sister.  She loves rainbows and can name most colors correctly now too.

When we bring the eggs in from the chickens for the day, she will ask to see the egg basket and name all the colors of the eggs.  "Blue egg, brown egg, geen egg.  White egg?" Our chickens don't lay the white eggs available at the store and depicted in every storybook.  Emma has noticed this, and always asks why there aren't any white eggs.  The light colored eggs in the picture below are actually blue and light green, even though they look kind of white.

Emma loves hanging with older kids.  Here she is below doing just fine with Lucy and her friend Grace playing a bean bag toss game.

 To get Emma outside has been an energy sap to say the least.  She refuses to put on gloves, hat, scarf or snow pants.  Fortunately she will put on her coat and boots but this isn't enough warmth to play in the snow or go for a walk when it is 20 degrees outside and the snow goes past her knees.  I usually have to wait until Will is home to get her outside.  Then and only then will she allow you to pin her down to get the snow gear on because she doesn't like the idea of Lucy and Will outside without her.  Here she is below showing her doll Polly the snow and telling her it is cold.

I know it's hard for you to believe that this sweet face could put up any resistance.

Most of the time she does have fun when she gets out there but still hates her snow pants. We have compromised on this, and just put a second pair of fleece pants over her first pair of pants.  Here she is below making a snow angel.

As long as winter outwear is involved, Emma prefers to play inside.  Here she is below diapering her babies.

 Playing in a box...

And using rolls of toilet paper as pom poms.

Here Emma is below wearing her sunglasses upside down and looking quite fierce.

 On another car trip I tried showing Emma how the sunglasses go right-side-up and realized that they actually stay better on her face the way she put them on - upside down.

Finally, Emma got her second haircut of her life this past month.  This time, we had the luxury of staying home and Will's cousin Shannon came and did the honors in our kitchen.  Once Emma saw that Lucy's haircut was painless, she couldn't wait to climb up in the chair.  Here is a before shot:

 And the after shots...

Thank you Shannon for cutting her bangs so it doesn't look like a boy haircut!

And if you can believe it, Emma has way more hair at 22 months than Lucy did.  What can I say, my kids seem to start out in the hair department slow and steady.

Let's hope next month Emma sleeps better, especially since we have some tough couple of days coming up.  Tomorrow is my dad's surgery to remove his cancer and the following day is Luke's 5th birthday.  Emotional and cranky doesn't even begin to describe me right now and I'm sure Emma's behavior this month is just the toddler version of me, combined with fears of the wind, foo-foos and those darn molars.

January False Start

I would like to say that 2013 is shaping up to be a great year for us, but we are off to a rough start.  Shortly after the new year my dad was diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer.  There are many emotions involved when a family member is labeled with the six-letter "c" word, and I liken it to the grieving process with several different phases that do not seem to progress in any kind of sequential order.  After anxiously awaiting test results to determine if my dad's cancer had spread we received the great news that it has not metastasized.  So, January started a bit rocky, but we are hoping that it was merely a false start, and that 2013 will still be filled with good health and blessings.  Silver linings to my dad's diagnosis include increased family time as well as the realization as to what is truly important in life.  Emma has a special bond with my dad - after all, he is the one who coined Emma's most favorite phrase - "squeeze tights" and I think that her "squeeze tights" will be just what my dad needs to kick cancer to the curb.

My dad also has a lot to look forward to this year which I think will help in his recovery.  The same week we received the good news that my dad's cancer had not spread, we learned that my brother Mike and my sister-in-law Jenna are expecting a healthy baby boy in May.  It will be exciting to have a grandson on earth to help dilute all of the high-pitched fun that comes with having three granddaughters.

Will also had what we thought was his last kidney surgery this month.  The surgery went really well and he was back at work the very next day.  After the procedure, the doctor was confident that the last of Will's stones was gone.  Unfortunately, we found out at his follow up appointment the next week that only half of the last stone is gone.  He will have to have another surgery, but not for another six months so his kidney has a chance to heal from the trauma of the last several months.  Here is Will below, after being told that his last stone was gone.  Just another false start, but we are confident that the sun will not set on 2013 without him being kidney stone free!

 Both Lucy and Emma seem to be experiencing a growth spurt this month.  At first I thought their insatiable hunger was just their bodies catching up from the lack of calories consumed when they had the flu over the holidays.  It has been several weeks since their bout with the flu, and they are still eating like a pair of adolescent boys.  Their pickiness has lessened and their shirts and pants seem to have shrunk overnight.  Here they are below wearing their "twin" shirts for the last time before I had to retire them into the outgrown clothes bins.

I never enjoy switching out their clothes into the next size.  First of all, it is a lot of work.  Here are only some of the many clothes bins.

Secondly, I am very sentimental about them getting bigger and it makes me sad to put away all the outfits that I have attached so many great memories to.  

I am lucky however, that Emma is in the same clothes that Lucy wore, so at least I get another round of memories to make the daunting task worth it.  

It's crazy to me that the shirt Emma is wearing in the below picture is the same shirt Lucy wore on the day she met Emma for the first time in the hospital.

These two have become inseparable, both in good and bad ways.  They bring out the best in each other and the worst.  When they were taking turns with the flu, it occurred to Will and I that we were no longer the center of their universe.  Lucy kept saying, "I'm lonely!  I want Emma to play with me."  When Lucy was shivering on the couch, Emma kept trying to cheer her up with toys and antics while asking, "Lucy happy now?"  The other day I had a doctor appointment and I had no choice but to bring the girls with me.  I brought fruit snacks as a treat to distract them while I talked to the doctor.  I made a rookie mistake however, when I gave them the fruit snacks before the doctor came in.  They inhaled them in under 10 seconds and I was left with only one magna doodle and a couple of crayons to share between them.  Amateur!  When the doctor walked in, they were still experiencing the afterglow of the fruit snacks, sitting sweetly with their arms around each other.  When the doctor commented on how good they were I told him not to be fooled.  Seconds later all hell broke lose when one decided to take the magna doodle from the other.  Chalk that appointment up to another sweaty lesson learned.

If Lucy can control herself when Emma has something Lucy wants, she can usually convince Emma to give it up.  Lucy has learned the fine art of "reverse psychology" and will purposely say the opposite of what she really wants, just to get Emma to want it, freeing up the original object that Lucy desires.  Lucy has also become more aware of what others wear this past month and is conscious about what outfit she picks out and how it relates to the days events.  When we are out and about, she is fascinated by girls slightly older than her and the outfits that they are wearing.  Maybe her growing interest in fashion will replace her obsession with all things potty related.  Granted, I did overhear her tell Will that the fireworks at the Fire and Ice Festival our town celebrated last weekend made it sound like the sky was tooting.

Will had two snow days in January which was a bonus for me.  The girls enjoyed playing with him and I enjoyed some unexpected "me" time.  Here is what I found after I finished an uninterrupted shower: the tallest block tower I ever saw!

Our chickens are doing well despite the cold temperatures we have had in January.  The types of chickens we have are all cold-hardy, but I still can't help but feel bad for them on especially cold days.  They don't mind the cold so much as the snow however.  So, as long as it isn't snowing they seem to do all right.  Will also designed a simple water heater with a light bulb, extension cord and a cinder block which has made life a lot easier on us since we no longer have to keep replacing their frozen, ice-block water.  Currently we have eleven chickens and are getting 5-7 eggs a day.  Between our families and Will's coworkers we never seem to have an "eggsessive" amount of eggs and I have to be careful not to give them all away.  I refuse to buy store bought eggs when I have eleven chickens!  Granted, we technically only have ten laying chickens, as we found out that a chicken from our newest batch is a he and not a she.  The rooster is not fully matured yet, but seems to be friendly enough and hasn't cock-a-doodle-doed yet.  We've noticed that despite his somewhat aggressive humping behavior to certain unappreciative hens, he is actually quite protective.  When we feed the chickens he always waits to eat until all of the hens have had their fill and is constantly scanning the flock to make sure all is well.  If he keeps up his good behavior we will have no problem keeping him.  Besides, I think Will likes having another guy around the place.

January definitely had a few surprises but we are still hopeful for a great 2013.