A couple weekends before Christmas, we took Lucy to see Santa at the Rochester Christmas parade a couple of blocks from our house. It was a beautiful and cold day, but we bundled Lucy up in a pile of blankets in the stroller, and took a walk downtown. We were apprehensive as to how she would react to a strange man in a red suit, but threw caution to the blistery wind when we saw there was no line! Lucy said a couple of no's as I placed her on Santa's lap, and then proceeded to give him one of her classic, dirty looks. When asked by Santa what she would like him to bring for Christmas she looked him square in the eyes and said loud and clear "ELMO!". Once Santa handed Lucy back to me, we overheard him tell his helpers that he needed counseling after the dirty looks Lucy gave him! 
Any hard feelings Lucy had for Santa were gone by the time we had walked home though, and she has been lovingly referring to him ever since. I think the gingerbread man sucker he gave her went straight to her heart. Here she is below holding her prized gift from Santa.
Last year for Lucy's first Christmas, we began the tradition of a yearly Christmas photo of all our children. As Lucy is the only child we had on earth, we found a way to include Luke by pinning an amethyst pendant (his birthstone) onto Lucy's Christmas dress. This year, we pinned the purple gem on her again and she proudly wore it, telling all who would listen that it was for "Luke's mem-ree". It's hard to see it below, as it blends in with her polka dot dress, but it is right over her heart.
Last year for Lucy's first Christmas, we began the tradition of a yearly Christmas photo of all our children. As Lucy is the only child we had on earth, we found a way to include Luke by pinning an amethyst pendant (his birthstone) onto Lucy's Christmas dress. This year, we pinned the purple gem on her again and she proudly wore it, telling all who would listen that it was for "Luke's mem-ree". It's hard to see it below, as it blends in with her polka dot dress, but it is right over her heart.
I wish I could say that the rest of this much anticipated family tradition went as smoothly. We packed Lucy up in the car to make the trek out to the cemetery and she screamed the entire half hour trip there. I have no idea what her issue was, but for some reason she was just not having it. When we got to the cemetery, Will's and my blood pressure was soaring. To add to Lucy's joy, we had to bundle her up in a hat, scarf and boots since getting to Luke's grave involved a short walk in the snow. For those of you who visit a loved one at the cemetery for Christmas, you understand when I say that it is an emotional experience. Christmas is one of those holidays where the loss of a loved one is magnified, and the empty hole in your heart that only your missing loved one can fill is felt all the more painfully. Lucy clearly did not care about this though. She screamed "SNOW" over and over the entire time while sobbing uncontrollably. Will and I did what we could to put the ornaments on Luke's grave blanket and tell our son how much we love and miss him as quickly as possible. We left the cemetery feeling frustrated and sad. When I was relating this story to my sister Jane the following day, and telling her how disappointed I was because my meaningful Christmas tradition was ruined by a cranky toddler she wisely pointed out that what I experienced yesterday was a true family tradition. She then went on to remind me of all the family traditions my parents worked so hard to create for me and my siblings, and how one of us would inevitably find a way to ruin it for the rest of the family. That made me feel so much better! While I am still wishing I could have had some peaceful and meaningful time with my son's memory at the cemetery, I am happy to know that I have successfully created a REAL family memory. It doesn't matter that I have a son in heaven - this is still real life folks!
We did enjoy a Christmas tradition as a family that everyone was happy for. We made our yearly trip up about an hour and a half up north to a huge Christmas store called Bronner's and got an ornament for our newest family member, Emma. We did this for Luke and Lucy, and it was so wonderful to be able to put a new name on our tree this year. Truly, this was the best part of Christmas for me. I love seeing my children's names together. I suppose it makes up for the fact that I will never be able to see them all physically together this side of heaven. Seeing their names lined up is the next best thing for me. We also sewed Emma's name on her very own stocking, and lined it up with the rest of ours this year too. Lucy was upset on Christmas morning to see that Emma's and Luke's stockings were both empty, but after showing her the letters we had written to both Emma and Luke and stuffed in their stockings for their Christmas presents, she was pacified.
We went on to have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Christmas Eve we spent with my family. Here is Lucy below with her Grandma and Grandpa Hines, and then pouting at a gift that wasn't hers to open.
Once we had Lucy tucked in to bed, with hopefully sugar plums dancing in her head, Will and I sat down and breathed a sigh of relief. All of our Christmas preparations were finished. The house was clean, cookies were made, Lucy seemed to understand the meaning of Christmas and our traditions were in place. We sat together and wrote our annual Christmas letter for Luke which was extremely emotional. This Christmas tradition never seems to get any easier. That evening we balanced missing Luke more than we could ever say, and at the same time felt awed and enternally grateful of the fact that we were celebrating our first Christmas in our dream home. What a journey it had been to get here, and I just couldn't believe that we were actually sitting in our very own living room, with candles lit all around us, Christmas music playing softly in the background and our Christmas tree full of seven years of Christmas memories twinkling at us in the semi-darkness. The only thing that Will and I could think of to make this Christmas dream complete would be the knowledge of Lucy AND Luke sleeping soundly in their beds, dreaming of Christmas.
Christmas morning dawned early and still dark, as Lucy awoke at her usual time. When I went into her room to get her out of her crib, she sleepily stood up, rubbed her eyes and said "Luke". I asked her if she had a dream about Luke, and she said "yes." She said Luke's name a couple of more times as I carried her into our room to snuggle with Will and I and I couldn't help but smile and believe whole-heartedly that Luke had visited his sister for Christmas.
Christmas Day was busy. Will, Lucy and I opened gifts before the sun rose and then played and napped until Will's parents and brother came over in the afternoon. After opening gifts with them, we all headed over to Will's aunt and uncle's house for Christmas dinner. Here Lucy is below with some of her favorite presents...
...a diaper bag for her dollies, complete with a wipes container, changing pad and a sippy cup with orange juice.
...a doll cradle that used to be mine, but touched up with a new mattress, pillow and a blanket that I knit and sewed for her. As you can see below, Lucy clearly hasn't read the latest research on safe sleep for babies.
...and the most exciting gift of all - Elmo "undies" from Santa, that Lucy insisted on wearing all morning with great pride. And yes, Santa kept good on his promise and her stocking was filled with all things Elmo.
Here she is below chilling with her Uncle Tim while waiting for Christmas dinner.
I just had to end this lengthy blog with this picture - here Lucy is below in the new kitty-cat bath towel Will and I got her for Christmas. Lucy says, "MEOW!"
Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year to you and your family. For those of you who spent Christmas missing a loved one, know that I was thinking about you and sending warm thoughts your way. Thanks to Baby Jesus, we have the hope of seeing our loved ones again someday, and what a joyous holiday that will be!
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