Luke's Upcoming Second Birthday

Will and I are still in disbelief that Luke's second birthday in Heaven is coming up on Friday. This second birthday is different from Luke's first. While the pain is not as raw as it was a year ago, it has turned into more of a dull ache that never fully goes away now. And although we can carry on with our day to day life now and experience joy and laughter again the world still isn't the same without our Luke here with us. Obviously the biggest change is that Lucy is here with us to celebrate her brother's second birthday. This makes things easier and harder at the same time. Lucy is definitely a positive distraction, as her needs demand attention and smiles but it is very painful to realize that we miss Luke not only as our son, but as Lucy's brother too. Lucy just lights up anytime she sees a child or baby and we can't help but imagine how happy she would be with Luke by her side, growing up together.

Will and I tend to classify our life together as before Luke and after Luke. Before Luke the world was rosy with possibility. We could talk for hours planning our future together, imagining our family, hopes and dreams. The day we lost Luke it seems we lost that rosy view of the world. Things still are beautiful to us, but after tasting the sorrow of losing our firstborn, we experience beauty differently now. On this earth there will always be an emptiness that no dream can fill. We still have dreams, and we are happy to report that we are currently watching several of them unfold into reality but there will always be that piece missing, knowing that we can never experience these dreams fully with an incomplete family on earth. It's a tough reality to face - the family pictures missing a child in them, the birthday celebrations, the family vacations, the holidays. Quite honestly, Will and I have been in denial about Luke's second birthday coming up. It is easy to find distractions this year and push the pain away for another time. It's hard to put into words how we are dreading the sadness that comes with February 19 but want to honor and celebrate our son's life at the same time.

A fellow blogger put it into perspective for us - the story of Will's and my life is still unfolding. God is writing each page with love and grace and plans for us to be happy and prosper. We just never expected a chapter called "Luke" that would completely change the course of our lives and the resulting chapters of our story. And although Luke is no longer with us, his presence can be felt on each subsequent page. We don't know what future chapters will hold for us either, but we are holding strong to our faith that God is with us through it all. Will and I are different people in the "After Luke" part of this story. We are glad that we were blessed with the nine months we had with Luke and wouldn't rewrite that chapter for the world. But we do miss him and are forever changed. God is a perfect author and we are looking to our future again with hope on Luke's second birthday.

In honor of Luke's second birthday Will and I made birdseed cupcakes. We will be bringing them to the cemetery on Friday and would like to invite our friends and family to stop by and get a cupcake to bring home and hang in your yard. Like last year, we will also have his journal card in a ziplock bag to keep it from getting wet. We left a pen in there last year, but the ink froze so we'll leave a pencil this time, or you can bring your own pen. You can feel free to leave your own card in the ziplock if you prefer too. If you can't make it to the cemetery, you are welcome to post a note on this blog. It would mean a lot to Will and I.

If you haven't been to the cemetery before, you can find directions at http://www.mtelliott.com/resurrection.html. Or you can follow Will's directions: upon entering the cemetery, take the tree lined entrance road until it ends. Turn right. Take this road until it ends and turn left. Go past one block. The second block on the left is where Luke is at. Go halfway up that block on the lefthand side and about five to six rows back. He is in section 23, plot 731. We have a smaller pine needle grave blanket with a small orange truck and some Christmas ornaments covering Luke's grave. There is also a small snowman that Will made at Luke's headstone. The cemetery is open from 7 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. daily. If you need more specifics on where Luke's plot is, you can ask at the office whose hours are from 9 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, and 9 a.m. - 4 p.m. on Saturday. We will have the card there through the end of the weekend (Sunday, February 21nd). Because the cemetery doesn't like any artificial decorations, the ziplock with the card will be tucked into the grave blanket just below Luke's headstone. Thank you to all of our friends and family who continue to remember Luke in your own special way and bring his name up, even when it feels uncomfortable or awkward. We cannot begin to tell you how much this means to us and we are forever grateful. Please keep us in your prayers as we journey through this week, filled with sad and happy memories of missing Luke.

Above is a snow angel I made for Luke on Sunday at the cemetery.