Luke's 8th Birthday

Ever since my firstborn went to heaven, I have dreaded February.  For the rest of the year I have found ways to manage my grief over missing Luke, but it is near impossible to stay at functioning levels as my anxiety increases around his death and birth dates.  This year, February 17th, the day we found out Luke had died, was more difficult than his birthday on the 19th.  Looking back on previous years, I am starting to realize that February 17th is the hardest date every year.  We don't have the traditions in place like we do to help us get through his birthday, and Will doesn't take the day off as he does on Luke's birthday.  The memories are so painful on this date - there is just no way to celebrate or find comfort in what happened when we found out he had died.  And there is no way to skirt around it either.  It's like I need to remember the hurts, to remind myself of exactly what we have lost in order to celebrate his life on his birthday two days later.  

To make matters worse for my emotional state on the 17th, I received a long awaited call from the genetic doctor at Children's Hospital about Violet's blood work she had taken back in December.  Keep in mind that Violet received a clinical diagnosis back in August of Ectodermal Dysplasia and we have been waiting on blood work confirmation ever since.  From waiting for insurance to cover the $4,000 test, to waiting on paperwork that they said was mailed out but never came, and then receiving the paperwork that they resent out and then losing the paperwork on my end and having to wait for them to resend the paperwork yet again - there seemed to be powers beyond my control in charge of the timing on Violet's testing.  When I realized that the blood work results should be back the week of Luke's birthday, I immediately believed that this was going to be a gift from Luke, and that the timing was delayed so that he could reassure me that everything is going to be okay with Violet.  Imagine my emotion when the doctor called me and told me that she had good news and bad news - the good news was that they had not found anything yet, but the bad news was that there wasn't enough blood to complete half of the test.  I am trying to focus on the fact that they found nothing yet as good news, but the reality is that I am so bummed that we are still in the waiting game and that Violet has to go through the blood work again and that the timing was not a gift from Luke after all.  I was crushed.  In the last eight years, Luke has given me amazing signs to show me that he is still with me.  Because of that, I can't help but over think things, as I am overly hopeful for more Luke signs.

But, all was not lost.  A friend texted me throughout the day and helped put things into perspective for me in regards to Violet's testing.  Another friend let me call and vent to her and then told me funny stories until my kids thought I had lost my mind completely, I was laughing so hard.  And then, a little boy came to my door holding a pot of yellow tulips.  I mean, these weren't the signs I was looking for, but I can say without a doubt that I felt loved and grateful I do not have to walk this path alone.

Lucy lost her tooth the morning of Luke's birthday, and she is certain that was his gift to her as how would she have been able to enjoy all of his birthday tootsie rolls if that painful loose tooth was still plaguing her?  My sister sent a birthday card by one of my favorite artists for her Godson which arrived on his birthday, and my cousin sent a beautiful bouquet of yellow tulips as well.  Plus, the sun shone through our stained glass tulip windows with the same intensity it always does, each and every February 19th.

We bought the balloons after breakfast and then headed to the cemetery.  We arrived at the exact time Luke was born - 11:15.  Our pleasure at realizing this timing was soon diminished when we saw that a grave digger had crushed some of the items we had at Luke's grave and that our cherished and private balloon releasing ceremony was going to have an audience as family members of the newly deceased began to line up in cars by us.  I felt exposed and frustrated.  Then, I accidentally lost my balloon and it popped in a nearby tree.  Come on now!  The wind was incredibly fierce and we pretended that we didn't feel pressure to hurry up, knowing that a burial was about to take place right next to us.  We released our balloons and fortunately everyone else's balloons seemed to make it safely to the heavens.

As we got into our car, the hearse pulled up and the waiting family members got out of their cars so I guess the timing worked out for us, and I am trying to focus on the fact that they too were grieving and that it was no one's fault on the timing.  And maybe witnessing our little balloon ceremony gave them some hope as to what life looks like after a funeral.  Even still, you can be sure we will get to the cemetery earlier in the day next year.

We ate all of the foods I loved when I was pregnant with Luke, including pancakes and sausage for breakfast, grilled cheese, pickles and frozen pears for lunch and a pot roast for dinner.  For dessert this year I made a banana cake with cream cheese frosting that turned out very well.

 The temperature hit above 60 degrees on his birthday too, which definitely helped with our emotions.  So far, Luke's birthdays have always been some of the coldest days of the year, and it is always hard to go through such depressing dates when the weather is so miserably cold.  Our spirits were definitely lifted by a hike to our favorite river bank.

We actually had a very nice and relaxing day for Luke's birthday, despite the timing at the cemetery.  Which come to think of it, we end up enjoying his birthday every year.  His birthday is something to celebrate, and the traditions we have developed sure make for an easier day too.   At the end of the day we read the books that remind us of Luke, including Puff the Magic Dragon, I Can Only Imagine and Where Do Balloons Go?  Before tucking the girls into bed, we opened up our memory box of Luke's items, and relived the memories while explaining to the girls what each item was.  The hospital misplaced the hat that Luke wore in the picture below, but we still have the blanket.  Both were items made and donated to the hospital for grieving families.  The blanket is now one of my most treasured possessions.  Lucy and Emma both said several times what a great day they had.  When I asked why, Lucy said because she lost her tooth and got to eat tootsie rolls all day long.  Emma agreed on the tootsie rolls and also said she had fun talking about Luke and going for our hike and eating cake.  

Luke's birthday is a great day for us to be together and to really cherish each other.  It occurred to me this year, as I watched each of my girls enjoy the day, how much each person brings to our family and how different we would all be if just one of us was missing.  Then it got me wondering how different we would be if Luke was here with us, and what his irreplaceable uniqueness would bring to our family.  For sure we have all been impacted by him, and his spot in our family will always be there.  What we didn't realize is that the love that Will and I have for Luke, is shared now by his sisters too and what an amazing feeling that is, to know that a part of Luke lives on in each of us.  Maybe that is why it feels so special to spend his birthday with his dad and sisters - it is the closest we can get to having him physically here with us.

I can hardly believe you are eight now Luke.  I can't help but wonder what you would be like.  Would you like Star Wars like your dad?  He's kind of lonely what with myself and your sisters not liking it.  I'm guessing you would love Legos like your mom, dad and sisters do and I wonder if you would like doing arts and crafts with us too.  I also wonder what foods you would like and if you would appreciate my cooking - even just a little more than your sisters would be nice.  I am proud to be your mom and even if I could rewrite the beginning of the story to save my tears right now, I would still choose you.  Happy Birthday Lukey!

Cozy in January

As I write this, we are now half way through winter.  Winter has gone easy on us so far, but it has still been cold enough to require mostly indoor activities.  This past month we have enjoyed lots of snuggles while reading, watching movies and playing games.  One of my favorite things to do is read, and as a kid I could read for hours on end.  Now that I have my own kids, one of my favorite things to do is to read aloud books from my childhood and to watch the stories come alive in my girls eyes.  I have a long running list in my head of the books that I want to read to them, but I have to say that if the book has been made into a kid-friendly movie, it gets a free pass to the front of the line.  My kids love watching movies and if I can catch some of that enthusiasm and give it to reading, then why not!  We just finished reading the five book series in Sarah, Plain and Tall and then watched the movie trilogy. 

I work all of the books into our lesson plans and include journal entries and any relevant geography and history.  This is the kind of thing that really makes us all love learning at home together.  The girls usually complain about journal work, but I notice that each time they have to open up their journals for a new entry, they linger over each previously completed page and smile and remember what it was that they had written and illustrated before.  But before I gush on about how wonderful home learning is, let me be the first to remind my future self that it took THREE solid weeks of blood, sweat, and tears to get back into a routine after just TWO weeks off for Christmas break.  I'm relieved that things are running smoothly again, and I honestly don't know yet how I am going to ease the transition back to a school routine after our next holiday break.  Here are my girls in the top left hand pictures below, playing with Violet's sensory bin of homemade snow (baking soda and hair conditioner) which was a flop because the scent in a bin full of conditioner is much, much stronger than the pea-sized amount used on your hair.  We ended up having to open all of the windows to air the house out.  In the top right hand picture below, Lucy is proudly showing off the sticker chart she made for herself to help her stay motivated with her daily reading.  We worked out a deal that after 14 stickers, she can go to the bookstore and we will buy her a book of her choice.

In the above picture, my girls are waiting for our take-out order at our favorite Lebanese restaurant after a shopping trip which involved new sunglasses for each of them.  Now that peace and harmony has returned to our routine, we are able to accomplish all of our schoolwork for the day, and then do fun things together.

It is too cold outside now for us to spend enough time with Charlie, so we have established a way for him to come inside, eat and cuddle and then once he is back outside, I wipe down the wood floor where he was and my allergies seem to be fine with this approach.  Sometimes I can't help myself and allow him to climb into my lap where he snuggles me and covers me in purrs and allergens.  Afterwards it involves a complete wardrobe change for me but I never regret it!  Being allergic to food is one thing, but being allergic to our loving cat is quite another and is very frustrating.

Will's mom got us a basket to bring to the farmer's market as a Christmas gift and so we put it in the garage for when spring is back and we can resume our weekly trips to the market.  Charlie has since claimed the basket as his own, and won't sleep in his insulated house anymore.  Lucy got the idea of insulating the basket with a fleece blanket and let's just say that it is cat heaven for Charlie.

We have joined a homeschool hiking group which meets at various trails several times a month.  I think this is the perfect set up for us, as it forces us to get outside despite the weather and is a great way for our kids to socialize with lots of different kids without the stress of hosting a giant playdate at someone's house.  We have met some wonderful families, as well as enjoyed spending consistent time with some old friends too this past month.

We have been outdoors more than a typical January because of the milder temperatures.  In the bottom right hand picture the girls were able to build mini snowmen complete with baby carrots for noses.  But again, the weather has been so mild that when we woke up in the morning they had completely melted.

We did have an especially cold weekend where we were able to enjoy our town's winter festival and even spotted an ice sculpture of Robin Hood which the girls were excited about.  Of course, we got kind of annoyed with the crowds and cut out of the festival early to go ice skating alone on the local park's pond, hidden just blocks away from the busy winter festival.  Based on how the weather is going, it may have been our one chance to skate on a pond this winter.  I am a Michigan girl through and through, and am bumming that we haven't had more ice skating opportunities.

Will and I got out a couple of times this past month for some hikes without kids.  As we have to schedule childcare in advance, we really don't get to pick and choose the weather for our hikes.  Here we are below in absolutely frigid weather, but enjoying every moment of our quiet, peaceful and icy hike together.  The bottom right hand picture below is a flight of stairs completely covered in ice.  Fortunately we were going up, as going down makes my tailbone hurt just to think about.

And as if icy staircases aren't enough to add a thrill to my life, my family keeps me constantly entertained.  Here are some things I have heard them say this past month:

-Lucy, while dramatically crying about her lost drawing pad: "I'm a little girl who lost her doodle book."
-Emma: "Anyone need some lotion?  I just love this lotion!"  Lucy: "Where did you get it?"  Emma: "The hotel."  Lucy: "That's conditioner."
-Will, after cleaning out the car for the first time in who knows how long: "No more eating in the car! If they have a sucker we count the sticks when they are done!"
-Lucy after being asked to unpack the dishwasher: "My little tiny baby hands weren't made for this!"
-Emma: "Can we have dessert?"  Will: "No."  Emma: "Did you know that the nights I have dessert I don't have to wake you up because I had bad dreams?"

I alternate between shaking my head in disbelief and laughing until I cry when my kids are being their typical selves.  In the below pictures from top left in clockwise order: Lucy and Emma putting on a show but spending more time getting organized for it while forcing us to sit captive without talking on the couch, Emma with her arms huddled inside her sleeveless dress trying to carry a bead art design without spilling it (Emma only likes to wear summer dresses, despite the temperature and then whine all day about how cold she is), Lucy telling us that the house is dusty and why is she the only person that ever cleans it (she has never cleaned it), and finally, finding a picture on my phone of four little bears with Violet photo bombing in the background.

Here are my two older girls below in clockwise order from the top left, enjoying tea and hot chocolate respectively, Lucy with a smoothie mustache after enjoying a tasty treat made with my new high-powered Vitamix, and Emma making a chocolate treat of Muddy Buddies.

This past month we attended a Family Volunteer Night at our church and had a wonderful time.  It is challenging to volunteer for things larger than my family and sometimes even just trying to help out a friend becomes complicated when one of our kids gets sick.  The volunteer night at our church was designed to allow even the youngest member of our family to participate and it was a wonderful way to share fellowship while helping various organizations.  There was an assembly line to pack lunches for the soup kitchen, several tables were set up to make knot blankets for homeless shelters, a station to make get well cards for kids that are in the hospital, a place to write letters to individuals in jail, as well as a place to bead rosaries for overseas missions.  My kids tried their hand at all of it and we can't wait until the next volunteer night.  Even Violet was able to help, and spent her time making cards for sick kids.

I have been busy planning and prepping for my 2016 Honey Season.  I am learning more and more about herbs and how they help both humans and bees.  My kitchen windowsill has various jars lined up, infusing all sorts of oils with herbs including plantain, violet leaf, lavender and even vanilla.  I am looking forward to making soaps, lip balms and salves with my freshly infused oils and my beeswax.

I received an unexpected gift in the mail from my cousin early this past month.  She saw a phrase that reminded her of me, and then had my sister-in-law embroider it onto a beautiful ornament for me.  I always feel so overwhelmed with gratitude when Luke is remembered, and this gift was no exception.    I've already had several good cries, the kind that leave your face swollen, red and blotchy as the calendar nudges me into remembering significant dates and memories of my short time with Luke.   It has been almost eight years since I said hello and goodbye to my sweet firstborn and although I have learned to live without him on earth with me, it doesn't mean that I like it or that it hurts any less.

February is tough, there is no doubt and it is so hard to hold it all together at times.  But another friend reminded me that I do not have to hold on so tightly.  I am not the one in control - and just as God is holding Luke dear, He is holding me dear as well.  My goal for February is to just be held.  Picture me, curling up with my favorite afghan, in the palm of God's hand - and even if it is a daily, hourly, or a minute to minute reminder, I will be putting all of my pain into His capable hands too.

Violet Loves Blue at 21 Months

Our beautiful baby is growing up so fast.  She has been fascinated by colors and at the beginning of this past month she would refer to every color as blue.  Now, she knows that her eyes are brown just like her mama's and her sisters and that pink, yellow (pronounced the same way she pronounces jello) and red are also possible colors.  Blue is her favorite though, and she will excitedly point out things that she believes are blue.

Violet has developed a love for scissors and because this scares me, I have no pictures to document this new hobby of hers.  I have to admit though that she is getting good at using them.  And because Lucy and Emma just can't put scissors away no matter how much I hound them or hide the scissors, I have taught Violet the safe way to carry them, in the likely event that she finds some before I find her.  Here she is below in clockwise order from the top left: eating a snack directly out a bag she swiped from the counter, playing with Lucy and Emma's Legos which is a disaster to their beloved creations, and finally, just a regular morning destroying our living room while I am preoccupied with something else.

 

The other day as I stepped out of the shower, Violet came into the bathroom holding out a brown covered hand and saying, "Ewwww."  Upon closer investigation, I realized that her hands were covered in poop.  After putting together several more clues, I determined that she was waiting for someone to find her as she hid in Will's work shirts hanging in our closet, got bored, and decided to try her hand at finger painting.  That same day included our toilet flooding two floors of the house because another child of mine put too many wipes down the toilet and then that evening Violet decided to fight her bedtime diaper change, resulting in her peeing all over herself, me and her bed.  By the end of the day my hands were painfully dry and cracked from all of the scrubbing and my washing machine had put in overtime.

Lucy and Emma do not prefer to play with Violet and because of that, Violet either plays on her own, or with me during the day.  Below are two of her favorite things to do when all of the scissors have been properly put away: playing with her Little People or playing "Roll" with me.

She has been absorbing all of the things that Lucy and Emma are learning and whenever she sees letters she will point to them and say, "E I E I O".  In fact, Violet has also picked up on the chores that Lucy and Emma have been assigned, and insists on helping out too.  Here she is below clearing her plate after lunch.

Violet's temper tantrums are definitely ramping up.  She holds the trophy now for the loudest, highest pitch screamer in the house and most of the time can break her sisters in under a minute.  Will and I struggle to stay strong with her too.  Things that would have resulted in a power struggle with Lucy at this age are now things that I have decided that I am too tired to fight her on.  You don't want to wear pants?  No problem.  We will bring a pair with us and you can tell me when you are cold.  You don't want to sit at the table?  No problem.  When you are hungry you are welcome to join us.  You don't want to get your diaper changed?  No problem, I'll try again in an hour.  This has reserved my energy for things like cleaning up poop and pee and toilet water.

When I do have to say no to Violet, I brace myself as she throws a fit.  She will eventually tell me "O-Tay" through tears and sobs.  Fortunately, she does simmer down pretty fast and will then happily move on to something else.  She doesn't seem to hold a grudge and is laughing again in no time.  This girl definitely lives life to the fullest and knows exactly what she does and does not want.

 

Scissors are fun,

My Violet loves blue.

She is sweet and feisty too!