Happy 4th Birthday Luke Thomas!

Happy birthday sweet Luke!  We hope that you enjoyed your birthday in heaven today.  Lucy wants to know what kind of toys you got and if Jesus was there at your party.  This is the first year your Great Grandma Hines got to celebrate with you, and I know her being there made it extra special for you.  I hope she told you how much we love you and miss you and all about Lucy.  You know she was so proud of Lucy, and I can only imagine how proud she is of you Luke, now that she has finally met her first great grand child in heaven.

Today was tough, missing you.  This morning Lucy and I both woke up early with a stomach bug, and it kept us home all day.  By the time we were feeling better it was too late to go to the cemetery and that made me sad and grumpy.  We will go first thing in the morning though if everyone is feeling better.  By late afternoon while I was making your cake I started feeling happy again and the evening just kept getting better from there.

We made all of your favorite foods that I craved when I was pregnant with you - grilled cheese, Clausen pickles, frozen pears, sausage and roast beef.  After we had your birthday dinner, we sang you happy birthday and blew kisses to heaven while blowing out your candles.  It was hard to sing while choking on tears.  Lucy had the idea of singing extra loud so that you could hear us all the way in heaven.  She kept asking why I was crying and I asked her if she remembered how she cried when she missed me while I was in the hospital last week.  I think she is starting to understand more Luke, and she misses you too.  She took her nap today holding onto your little yellow duck stuffed animal that we got at your baby shower.  She told Dad that "Elmo just doesn't feel right today Dad, I need Luke's yellow duck."  And yes, Lucy took a rare nap today - either because it was your birthday or because she is fighting a bug.  Our lives would be so different if you were still on earth with us.  Right before bedtime, my good friend Theresa stopped by with a birthday card for you and we were able to talk with her a little bit.  That definitely helped end our day on a good note, visiting with someone who loves you and remembers you too.

As I was tucking Lucy in tonight she made me promise not to cry any more.  It looks like I'm not doing too well on that promise because I have a Kleenex stuffed up my nose as I write this.  While Lucy was falling asleep we listened to her sing "Rain Drops on Roses" over the monitor and it brought tears to both of our eyes when she sang the line, "when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad!"  Some of my favorite things are holding your Dad's, Lucy's and Emma's hands and tucking Lucy and Emma into bed at night.  I wish I had gotten to do those things with you Luke.  We also couldn't help but wonder what Lucy and Emma's life would be like if you were here too.  If we had it our way Luke, we would have been listening to you both chatting on the monitor tonight and probably would have had to come upstairs and tell you both to be quiet so you wouldn't wake up Emma.  Just hearing one little voice on that monitor made us miss you so bad Luke.  We miss you as our son, and we miss you as our daughters' brother.

After your sisters were sound asleep, your dad and I opened up your memory box.  We got to cuddle the blankets and outfits that you wore the day you were born and go through your baby book and other little things that we have kept because they remind us of you.  I always look forward to this part of your birthday and dread it at the same time.  Under normal circumstances I will avoid opening your memory box because it makes me so sad, and it is so exhausting.  But today I wouldn't miss it for the world and reliving our memories of you is worth the tears and sorrow.  I am glad that we have a tradition of doing this once a year, as difficult as it is.

Luke, today we are four years closer to seeing you again.  Lucy asked when we can go to heaven to see you, and I told her after our work on earth is done.  Your dad and I are enjoying our very important job of raising your two sisters on earth, and Lucy and Emma are busy learning about all the brutifulness that is life on earth.  So in the meantime, we will continue with our work here on earth while looking forward to the day when we can all be together again in heaven.

Lots and lots of love,
Mom, Dad, Lucy & Emma
xoxo

P.S.  Here are pictures of us celebrating your birthday as best we could without you here with us.

Here we are making the birdseed hearts.

 Dad and Lucy dropped off the birdseed hearts, your birthday card journal, and some tootsie rolls at the cemetery yesterday for any visitors to enjoy in your memory.

 They also picked up some yellow tulips in your honor to match the yellow tulip cake I baked you.

We love you and miss you Luke!

Preparing for Luke's 4th Birthday

Tomorrow is our little guy's fourth birthday.  Early this Saturday afternoon we will be dropping off some birdseed hearts  at the cemetery for visitors to hang on their trees at home in remembrance of Luke.  Feel free to leave a note in Luke's birthday card journal - it would mean a lot to us.  We'll have a pen there, as well as some tootsie rolls which I craved like crazy when I was pregnant with Luke.  Here's a picture below of me and Luke, about two weeks before he was born.

If you haven't been to the cemetery before, you can find directions at http://www.mtelliott.com/resurrection.html. Or you can follow Will's directions: upon entering the cemetery, take the tree lined entrance road until it ends. Turn right. Take this road until it ends and turn left. Go past one block. The second block on the left is where Luke is at. Go halfway up that block on the lefthand side and about five to six rows back. He is in section 23, plot 731. We have a smaller pine needle grave blanket covering Luke's grave. The cemetery is open from 7 a.m. - 4:45 p.m. daily. If you need more specifics on where Luke's plot is, you can ask at the office whose hours are from 9 a.m. - 4 p.m. on Saturday but is closed on Sunday. We will have the card there through Sunday night. Because the cemetery doesn't like any artificial decorations, the ziplock with the card, tootsie rolls and birdseed hearts will be tucked into the grave blanket just below Luke's headstone.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers and love and for all of our friends and family who aren't afraid of our tears and bring up Luke's name in the sweetest ways throughout these last four years.  I aspire to be as wonderful a friend and family member as you are.

Emma's 10 Months!

To say this month has been busy would be an understatement.  As some of you already know, Emma had her first encounter with the law earlier this month when I accidentally locked her in the car.  Of course this happened on the one 12 degree day in the most unseasonably warm winter I can recall.  It was highly traumatic for both Emma and myself with nothing but a pane of glass separating her from me.  It took 35 minutes for the tow truck to come and pick the lock, but in the meantime the nice police officer kept reassuring me that this kind of thing happens all the time while he tried opening the door with an old wire hanger.  And although Emma was choking on her own tears, I think the crying kept her warm.  When I finally heard the click of the door unlock, I ripped open the door and unbuckled her faster than you can say "Mom Guilt" and found that she was actually sweating.  What a relief!  I wish that was the end of our drama for the month, but it turns out that was only the beginning.

Last week I ended up in the ER for a serious infection in my toes.  I had minor toe surgery on both of my feet the week prior and for some reason, the pain and infection seemed to get worse with each passing day.  Finally, after a week of no sleep and severe pain, I allowed my mom to take me in to the ER.  My worst fears came true when they told me that they were going to have to admit me and put me on IV antibiotics.  Emma doesn't take a bottle and we are still on a regimented nursing schedule for her weight gain issues.  How would I feed Emma?  And what kind of disease was going around in the ER that had everyone wearing face masks? To make a long story short, the Rotovirus was filling up the hospital with patients and the head of the hospital was able to get me a private room on the pediatrics floor to accommodate my crazy feeding schedule for Emma.  I was there a total of four days, and Emma adapted very well.  By the end of the first 24 hours, it felt like we had a normal routine down and Will was such a trooper transporting her back and forth for feedings.  Fortunately, the hospital I was at is so close you can see it from our house, but it was still difficult for Will with bundling Emma up, parking the car and the 10 minute walk to my room with a hungry baby.  I think Will should be awarded not only Dad of the Year, but Husband of the Year as well.  Because of his calm and fortitude, along with both of our families helping out at our house, it turned an otherwise impossible situation into something we got through.  Lucy ended up catching the Rotovirus, and as difficult as it was to not be with her when she was sick, at least I knew she was in good hands.  Words cannot express how hard it was to have Emma taken from my arms after she fell asleep nursing and listen to her screams as Will carried her away, but she seems no worse for the wear now.  Here Emma is below in my hospital room.  She loved the pictures in my room and would point and chat at them repeatedly.  She also loved the iv tubes going into my arm, as well as the iv pole and all of it's buttons which made feeding time quite stressful.

While I was gone for four days, Emma said "Mama" for the first time and popped her first top tooth.  She also learned the word "Fish", inspired by her fascination with the fish tank on the pediatric floor.  Now she points at any living thing - cat, bird, etc. and says "Fish!"  She also has become quite adept at telling us "yes" or "no" through head nods or head shakes and does baby sign language for "all done", "more", "ceiling fan" and "read a book".  She loves to point and says "see" at everything she sees and also waves while saying "Hi" whether someone is coming or going.  Emma loves music and claps her hands and bobs her head whenever she hears it.  We like to play the song, "If You're Happy and You Know It" and sit back in amazement as she claps her hands.  Here she is below playing the piano, one of her favorite things to do.  She walks up and down on her tip toes hitting the high notes, then the low notes, and then the ones in between.

Another favorite activity, new this month is clearing off the bookcase.  Here she is looking quite proud.

And here she is, taking her job of book throwing very seriously.

 Emma is still having texture issues with her food and besides store bought baby food, will only eat bananas, prunes, avocado and oatmeal without gagging.  She comes crawling lightning fast though when she hears the spoon mashing the food in the little glass bowl we serve it in.  Lucy has introduced her to the world of processed carbs (we caught her feeding Cheerios and crackers to Emma under the table).  Emma is a nutcase whenever she sees Lucy eating Cheerios for breakfast and demands to eat them too, even though they cause her to gag.  She recognizes the box on top of the fridge and pumps her legs up and down while bobbing her head to indicate she wants some.  When we walk away without fufilling her wish, she throws a fit like she is dying.

 Emma loves pushing around her little alligators and is very agile on her feet.

 She goes super fast and it is hard to keep a step ahead of her - especially with my injured toes!

Sibling rivalry continues to build here at the Timmerman house.  Lucy and Emma can't stand to be apart, but when they are together, their fighting is constant.  This past month Emma has leveled the playing field though and Will and I have caught her instigating some of the drama by poking Lucy and then when Lucy pokes her back, Emma screams like she's been shot.  Here they are below riding in a shopping cart built for two at Lowe's.

 And here they are riding the wooden duck at the library.

 And finally, here they are playing in the tunnel Aunt Denise gave Lucy for Christmas.

This past month, Emma has resembled more of a toddler than a baby to me.  She now understands what she should and should not do and enjoys testing the limits.  Her favorite game is to crawl over to the stairs, look back at us over her shoulder, laugh, and then begin climbing.  Another favorite game is to get my cell phone the second I take my eyes off of it, and pull the blankets off of Lucy's dolls.  Each of these activities are forbidden, and you can totally see the thrill it gives her to break the rules.

There is nothing like emergencies, toddlers and 10 month olds to help make a Michigan winter fly by.  In just a couple of days we will be celebrating Luke's fourth birthday.  I can hardly believe it has been four years since we said hello and goodbye to our firstborn and I am hoping for a peaceful and meaningful celebration on Sunday.  Until then, I will be living through memories of my hospital stay four years ago and my last memories of Luke on earth with us.  Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we journey through the most difficult time of the year for us.

Boogie through Winter with Lucy

This past month has felt more like spring than winter and I am not complaining!  It has been the warmest January I can remember here in Michigan and it has definitely made life with kids easier.  Less bundling, more time outside and less time stuck home because of snow has made for happier kids and a happier mama.  That's not to say that I still don't have my moments, where Lucy tells me,"Calm down mom.  You're okay, mom.  You're okay."

Yup, thank goodness for the sunshine this month because Lucy seems to have outgrown her naps.  I can't imagine how I'd be coping with this if there was two feet of snow outside and frigid temperatures!  I think Lucy took a total of three naps in January, two of which were in the car and the third when she was fighting a cold.  We have resigned ourselves to this new milestone however, and it has made bedtime a lot easier.  We now have "Quiet Time" in the afternoon and there is no longer the pressure to have Lucy take a nap before such-and-such a time or she will never go to sleep at night.  This helps because Lucy can do Quiet Time while Emma takes her late afternoon nap and gives the rest of our day a bit more flexibility.

Lucy is still getting up one to two times at night despite bedtime being easier, and has developed some new night time fears of spiders and monsters.  She now covers her eyes with her hands when she is falling asleep, "So the spiders can't see me mom" and I make sure the closet door is closed when I tuck her in "so the monsters can't get out".

After we tuck Lucy in at night, her last words to us before we leave the room are, "Say a prayer to Luke, Mom.  Sweet Dreams!"  Lucy continues to talk about Luke and heaven, trying in her own way to understand.  The other day she asked me if we needed to bring the diaper bag when we go to heaven.  I think it was her way of trying to decipher if going to heaven will be a short or long trip.  This month she has also started talking about Jesus more.  Based on how she talks about Luke and Jesus, we are wondering if Lucy thinks that they are both her brothers.  Technically they are, but as a friend pointed out to me - one is just Lucy's brother, and the other is everyone's brother!  I have yet to make that clear to Lucy, but I am working on it.  It is tough explaining something based solely on faith to a toddler who operates on such a literal basis.  The other day I told Lucy I had some cucumbers with her name on them and she excitedly responded, "Where's my name mom?" as she carefully looked the cucumber slices over.

If I had to sum up this past month in relation to Lucy with just one word, it would have to be "Boogers".  This girl has an amazing amount of these gooey, germ-laden things.  Numerous times I have had to take her by the hand with a wet wipe in the other and oversee her washing off her latest booger collection from the car door.  Clearly, booger collecting while riding in your car seat is all the rage this winter.  Not to mention how many times she has proudly yelled, "BOOGER!" while holding up her finger with the offending goober on it.  If you want to see how fast Will and I move to get a Kleenex connected to that sticky little index finger, stop by any time, as it happens at least a dozen times a day.  Why God made nostrils and fingers the perfect fit is beyond me.

We had another encounter with Poison Control this month too.  This time it was with those little silica gel packets that they put in shoe boxes and apparently between the cloth liner and wicker basket from Target that we keep her toys in.  Lucy discovered the little gel pack unbeknownst to me, and took it upstairs behind the rocking chair in her room to investigate it more fully.  Later on that day, she asked Will if he wanted some medicine.  Lucy plays doctor and nurse all the time, so Will thought it was just another game until she handed him tiny little clear "pills".  While trying to remain calm, we got out of Lucy that she ate two of these "pills" and with a racing heart I called Poison Control.  Fortunately, they told me that silica gel is just a fancy name for manufactured sand and the reason the packets come with dire warnings is because they are purely a choking hazard.  The nice gentleman on the other end of the phone reassured me that she would have probably ingested more sand if she had spent a day at the beach.  After I hung up the phone I asked Lucy what the "pills" tasted like, and without missing a beat she scrunched up her face and said, "Diarrhea."  Nothing like ending an adrenaline crash with a good laugh!

Lucy has been enjoying all of her great Christmas presents this month.  Above she is having "Arts and Crafts" time with her new art supplies from Aunt Karen.  Below she is playing with her bin of blocks from Grandma and Grandma Hines, Santa and Aunt Karen.  Fortunately, in this instance, Lucy and Emma were playing quite peacefully.

Life is never dull with a sweet, funny and strong-willed girl named Lucy and she sure helps the winter days fly by as we count down till spring.