Emma Elise Timmerman

Baby T Three has officially been named! It is a relief and a joy to have our third child named. For Will and I, it is very important to have our children named as soon as possible. We believe giving and publicly announcing our child's name acknowledges their existence as more than just a passing thing, and turns a thought into a very personal reality. To us, it validates our child as a unique and very much loved individual and proves to the world that our child is here NOW, and is already a part of our family - worthy of a name.

As some of you know, one of my biggest regrets after losing Luke was not confirming his gender before he was born, and not publicly calling him by name. I personally was calling him Luke and believed in my heart that he was a boy, but we were waiting for his birth to confirm his gender and announce his name. This element of surprise that we were hoping to have for ourselves and our friends and family in retrospect seems like a silly game to me now. I sincerely regret that I took for granted that my baby would be born alive and that we used a human life for the fun of a surprise. Luke was alive inside of me for 35 weeks - he deserved to be acknowledged and known with a name by the world. The hurt of this is something I will probably deal with for the rest of my life. I have never experienced a regret like this before - something so major and that I can never change. So I will not let it happen again if I can help it. My children will be named as soon as we have a confirmed gender at our 18 week ultrasound, and then as soon as we decide on a name.

This is a very painful subject for me, and I know it is based on my own personal regrets and issues. It is tough though when the majority of society waits to name their child at their birth and makes it known to me that they do not agree with how Will and I are naming a child before we physically see them. It is human nature to judge things that you do not yourself understand and I get that. I am guilty of judging what I do not understand either. However, going through the experience of losing a child who you very much expected and assumed would live has opened my eyes to the fact that each person is making their own way in this world. I do not know how or why they came to the conclusions they have about how they live their life and it is not up to me to judge them on their choices. I also do not know what personal issues they are dealing with and can only assume then that they are making the choice that is right for them. In this post I am by no means saying that I believe everyone should name their children and find out their gender before they are born. That is a highly personal choice and one that each individual has to make based on their own circumstances and experiences. From where I am coming from, this is the choice I make and will forever make in regards to naming my children. I can only hope that my friends and family can go easy on judging me for my choices and the people that don't know me as well to accept that sometimes people do things differently then they would and we don't have to know why or judge. I promise to try to do the same for you!

With that being said, I would like to tell you the story of Emma's name! As I have mentioned in a previous post, Will and I were convinced that Baby T Three was a boy. We had a boy's first and middle name ready to go at the time of our ultrasound, but had not agreed upon a girl name. When we heard the beautiful news that we were having a healthy baby GIRL we looked at each other and threw our hands up in the air on what to name her! Based on the background information I gave you above, the fact that we didn't have a name for our blessed baby girl was really stressing me out. We had the ultrasound last Tuesday, and by the weekend it was keeping me up at night. I feel so strongly about never making the same mistake I did with Luke, it was turning into a fear that something bad was going to happen to Emma if I didn't name her and I would have a second regret for the rest of my life. A psychiatrist I'm sure would have a field day with me and my issues on this, but this is the reality I was dealing with. After many prayers with no answers we checked out a baby name book from the library (for the second time this pregnancy!) and our plan was to go through each individual name and write down on a secret ballot each name we thought would work for Baby T Three. I got to the J's and called it a night on Saturday. My plan was to finish the next day, and then pass the book to Will to do the same. When he was finished we would compare lists, and whatever names were on both lists would be our new name pool which we would hopefully be able to narrow down from there.

Now here's where we believe Divine Intervention revealed Emma's name in a most unexpected manner. After church on Sunday, Lucy asked to color a picture. I got out her crayons and some paper and while I was sitting at the table with her and Will, consumed in my own thoughts - and worries - about what to name Baby T Three, I casually asked Lucy: "What should we name your baby sister?" Really not expecting any answer, and going back to my stressed out thoughts, Lucy looked up from her drawing and clearly and proudly yelled "EMMA!!!" I looked at Will and he looked at me, and then we both looked at Lucy and almost said in unison "what??" Lucy looked at both of us again with a huge smile on her face and said a little softer this time "Emma!". I looked at Will again, and he looked at me and we both started laughing. Keep in mind we don't personally know a single Emma, and have never even said the name Emma to Lucy. Where she came up with that name we can only guess. Will and I started rationalizing - did she say Elmo? After all, that is her favorite character and we were drawing Sesame Street characters before I asked Lucy what Baby T Three's name should be. Or did she combine two of her favorite words - Elmo and Mama - and come up with Emma? So we asked her if Emma was the name of her baby sister. Lucy's reply? "Yes! Emma. Mama. Tummy." At this point Will and I decided to drop it and not draw any more attention to what just transpired. A couple of minutes later I casually asked her what she was drawing a picture of and she proudly replied: "EMMA!" Okay, that caught us off guard too! Up until the ultrasound, she never really acknowledged the baby in my tummy any differently than she acknowledged the fact that in her mind everyone seemed to have a baby in their tummy. And never did she call the baby a name. Then Lucy started talking on her own. "Hair" as she was scribbling with a brown crayon. I asked her "Does Emma have brown hair?" Lucy: "Yes!" Then she started coloring with a different crayon. "Back" Lucy said. I asked her "Does Emma have a healthy back?" Lucy: "Yes!". For the rest of the day, Lucy chatted about and to Emma. She even found a soft baby doll with a rattle in it and put it to my tummy and said "Emma." I asked her if she was giving her doll to her baby sister and she proudly responded "Yes!" From that day on, she refers to that particular doll as Emma's. I suppose Will and I could have stepped in at any time and said no, Baby T Three didn't have a name yet but we held back. Something just felt right about Emma. It has always been a favorite name of mine, and Will also liked it but it never made any of our lists because it is so popular right now. We were looking for a name that wasn't in the top ten of the last decade for our little girl. But again, something just felt right about Emma and it was the first girl name since we found out we were pregnant that left us with a feeling of peace and a smile on both of our faces. That night after Lucy went to sleep talking about "beebee Emma" we agreed with Lucy that Emma would be the name of our third child. We can only wonder as to where Lucy got Emma from, and I will be the first to tell you that my thoughts are that Luke told her in a dream that her baby sister was named Emma and had a healthy back in much the same way Luke told me shortly after I found out I was pregnant with Lucy that I would be having a healthy baby girl named Lucy.


Once we agreed on Emma, the middle name was easy. We chose Elise which is a Hebrew and German derivative of Elizabeth, after me of course! Below is the picture that Lucy drew when she told us what her baby sister's name was. In case you are worried that Emma looks like a Sesame Street character, the Ernie head and the other monster head were drawn by Will before Lucy revealed to us that she was in fact drawing a family heirloom. Oops! The brown scribbles are Emma's hair, and the blue dots are Emma's eyes according to the artist. She asked us to hold her hand to write Emma's name, and then Mama's and Dada's. We then asked if she wanted to write Lucy and Luke, and she agreed.

So now you know the rest of the story as to how Baby T Three got her name! Emma Elise Timmerman. Since giving our baby a name, a great feeling of peace has come over me. No matter what happens to our baby girl - if she lives a week more or 80-some years, in my heart she has been confirmed as important enough to have a name and be a member of this world. I now fall asleep smiling as I think about my beautiful children and go over and over in my head their names... Luke Thomas, Lucy Anne and Emma Elise. God is good and I am blessed!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

It's a GIRL!!!

We had our 18 week ultrasound this afternoon, and found out that Baby T Three is a HEALTHY baby GIRL!!! We are so relieved and grateful to know Baby T Three is healthy, and we are on cloud nine knowing Baby T Three is a SHE! To be honest, I was convinced that this little one was a boy, and in fact have been referring to him - er, her - as a him for quite some time. It is still sinking in that we are in fact having another girl. Driving home from the ultrasound the conversation went something like this...

Me: "We're having a girl!"

Will: "A girl!"

Me: "A girl!"

Will: "We're having a girl!"

Pause...

Will: "Well, we have all the clothes, and all the toys for a girl so this should be relatively inexpensive."

Me: "We'll have to buy stock in Kotex pads, that's for sure."

Will: "Wha-wha-what? I never thought of that!"

Pause...

Will: "And then there's paying for weddings..."

Pause...

Will: "I am no longer going to be third in command in my own house."

Me: "Nope. You will be fourth!"

Will: "Three against one."

Yet another pause...

Will: "Well, you forget that I have Luke on my side, and you can't argue the fact that my team member has some serious strings he can pull in Heaven for me."

Me: "True."

Will: "It's going to be an est-fest, isn't it."

Me: "Is that a question or a statement?"

Will: "I think I need to get an outdoor hobby."

Silence.

The funny thing is, Will has told me all along that he thinks we are having a girl, and has even told me that he would love to have a house full of girls. I think the reality of that wish is starting to hit him. All I know is these girls are the luckiest girls around to have Will as their dad. Another confession, I am dealing with a strange mix of sadness and joy at the news of a little girl. I think I was hoping for a boy so that I could have a connection with my little guy in heaven. I know in my mind that no boy or girl could ever replace Luke, but in my heart it felt like the gaping hole that was left when Luke went to heaven could at least get a well fitting band-aid if Baby T Three was a boy. I cry at weddings during the mother/son dance, and wistfully watch mothers have sweet interactions with their little boys. My mind knows that even if I were to someday have another son, that I would still probably cry during the mother/son dance at weddings and wistfully watch sweet moments between mothers and sons because I would still never know how it would feel to have those with Luke. But my heart believes that a son would make a tiny bit of that hurt go away. With Lucy, I knew that I needed a girl because I wasn't emotionally strong enough to have another boy so soon after Luke. It would have been difficult to separate my hopes and dreams for Luke with my hopes and dreams for his little brother. But now I do feel like I am in an emotionally stronger place, and that I am ready for another boy. God's plan is infinitely better than any I could come up with though, and I am now switching my train of thought from boys to girls. Another girl! Who knew! Certainly not me!

We took Lucy to the ultrasound this afternoon which may or may not have been a good idea. She freaked out as soon as I laid down on the table and was screaming so loudly she kept forgetting to breath. Will had to remove her from the room, and thus missed the first half of the ultrasound. He brought back a slightly calmer child, and we got her through the rest of the exam by feeding her animal crackers and singing "Happy Tappin' With Elmo". There is no shame when you are trying to keep your toddler from throwing a public fit. It did work out in the end though, because once Lucy calmed down, she realized that there was a baby on the screen and was all eyes and ears then. She pointed out the baby's hand, feet, toes, and then asked us if the baby had thumbs. This isn't as odd sounding as you think, as this week she just discovered the word thumb, and that she has two. A couple of days ago she was concerned that her Uncle Johnny didn't have thumbs. Fortunately, we were visiting him later that day and she was able to see first hand that he did in fact have thumbs. I think she finally understands that there is a baby in my tummy. We had up-talked the ultrasound all day in hopes of avoiding any tantrums, and she was super excited to go to the 'hop-tal' to see the 'bee-bee'. She kept saying "Bee-bee. Back." and would then point to her back. It gave me chills each time she did it, and I couldn't help but wonder if somehow she had picked up on Will's and my thoughts and worries about whether or not Baby T Three was healthy. I really don't ever recall telling Lucy that Luke had spina bifida, or anything about a 'boo-boo' on his back, but who knows. She seems very intuitive about certain things, and the entire point of the ultrasound for Will and I was to see first hand that our Baby T Three had a healthy spine. Thank you God, Baby T Three is a healthy baby girl!

So that's my story, and I'm signing off as a mother-to-be of another little girl!